Married To Rock: Free Spirits

Greetings Gasmii, welcome back for another week of “I’m with the band! No really!”  Last week we learned that Perry Farrell’s prior drug use only fried the brain cells that control rage and anger, and that aging gracefully is an art not mastered by former guitarists for Billy Idol.

No.  Just no.

Oh, and I got an adorable puppy.  I’m gonna pull a J-Mo and put the adorable pics after the cappage, so that no matter how much this week’s show sucks, the last thing you’ll see will be my puppy’s adorable little always sad looking eyes staring back at you.  She’s in my lap right now, making it difficult to type, but it’s so hard to move her when she makes that sad face at me and she’s always making that face.  It’s a tough tough life I lead, let me tell ya.

Okay, all aboard The Hot-Mess Express.  Next stop: Youusedtoberelavantville.

Dude on the right: Relevant.  Dude on the left: Sad.

E! is kind enough to give us a recap of all the skanks and their respective husbands (and reluctant soon-to-be-fiances).  Yeah yeah, we remember you all.  On with the… Whatever the fuck happens on this show.

We open with Billy and The Imposter at home.  Billy just got home from touring Europe, and The Imposter has left crap all over the fucking place.  She tells us he’s a neat-freak, and she’s more of a free spirit.  Hey guys, have any of you noticed that when someone describes themselves as a free spirit what they’re really saying is, “I’m unreliable, disrespectful, dishonest, flighty, and annoying.”?  Let’s add complete slob to that list.  Can’t imagine why Billy hasn’t popped the question yet.

Yeah babe, I got you a ring. As soon as you find it under all this crap I’ll marry you.

Someone put holes in the house from doing something I’m not totally clear on.

I put those holes there so we could breathe!  Free spirit!

The Imposter blames her incompetence on nerves over not doing things as well as Billy wants her to.  So she’s essentially blaming her incompetence on her incompetence.  Circular logic, kids.  Useful when dealing with people who think with those pesky logic centers in their brains.

I’ve got groupies who’d happily fill those holes if I filled some holes for them **rimshot**

Over as Casa De Guns N Roses, Model-Wife is out in the yard working out.  Her body is phenomenal, but I’m distracted by how tight her skin is stretched over her face, and also by how much make-up she’s caked on just to do some lunges on the patio.

What?  Cameras?  Oh no, this is how I always look when I work out.

She gets a call from her photographer friend who wants to take some pictures of her for a spread, and am I just really lame in that I hold my phone up to my ear to talk?

Is this normal?  Does everyone else talk on their phone like this?  Because everyone on TV does.

Photo-buddy drops the bombshell that it will be a nude photo-shoot, and Model-Wife hmms and haws a bit about the idea of getting naked on camera.  She goes inside and asks Duff for his opinion.  He confirms my suspicions that he’s kind of a great husband by telling her that she’s beautiful and she should do it and not be scared.

Damn you E! news bar! You’re so distracting!

He jokes about some of his old band photos that are completely ridiculous, while a puppy that’s not nearly as cute as mine yaps frantically at the doggy door.

Some examples of the ridiculous band photos.

Back over to Billy and The Imposter, Billy is playing an incredibly sexy guitar on the couch while his wannabride runs around in circles looking for her house keys.

That guitar might be worth making a lifelong commitment to…

Crazy lady running around the house…?  Not so much

Etty Farrell shows up for a lunch date they’ve been planning, and Billy takes that moment to mock his girlfriend for her “Free Spiritedness” to Etty.  She winds up taking Billy’s extra set of keys, and she orders Etty to drive since she can’t find her car keys.  Free Spirit also apparently equals dumbass with major adult ADHD.

Dear Jesus, please find me better friends.

They’re late (of course) to meet up with the other permanent groupies and chat over food and what I hope are alcoholic drinks.  I mean, what’s the point of having a husband who pays all your bills if you’re not gonna start drinking at lunch?  Or breakfast even…

Those ice teas better be from Long Island

The Imposter blames Billy’s Post Tour Depression for his obvious annoyance with her, leaving out the fact that she’s obviously annoying.  The camera pans over to Skankasaurus, and I feel a deep sort of terror that she’s a real person.  Well, okay, maybe only the internal organs are actually real on that one, but it just freaks me out that people like her exist.  And I’m a freak.  I love other freaks.  That one just gives me the willies.

Please stop existing.

Etty very nicely tries to explain to The Imposter that Billy expects order, by phrasing it in a way that blames Billy’s tour manager and assistants for always having everything tidy and him getting used to it.  She says it real slow though, like she’s trying to explain a really edited version of the birds and the bees to a classroom full of four-year-olds, so I’m pretty sure she knows what a spazz The Imposter is and feels for poor Billy, who just wants stuff put away.

I could try explaining it with puppets if that would help

Back at Casa De Not Married, Billy and The Imposter are going to the airport to pick up The Imposter’s dad.  First impression, The Imposter’s dad is kinda awesome.  He talks a lot, which I think is getting on Billy’s nerves, but he’s talking about winning go-go-boy contests, and then he hops out of the car at a red light to show off his moves.  He reminds me of my dad, if my dad drank a whole lot more coffee.  And I adore my dad, so that might be why I like him.

I raised a slob, but I sure know how to shake my ass

The Imposter is having her daddy look at the garage door, not so he can fix it but so she can show daddy dearest how Billy is such a meany head and blames her for stuff all the time.

Well this red box hanging from the track may have something to do with it.

Daddy asks if the door is warrantied, and The Imposter goes blank.  Billy tells her to get out of the way so he can find the invoice in the chaos that is her receipt organization.

It’s not messy, guys.  It’s free spirited.

Oh, and for the record, my garage door started doing exactly what theirs is doing just last month.  You know what I did?  I had a friend come over.  We drank some beers, scoured the internet for a manual for the garage door (cause we didn’t have one either), found one we could download, found the problem, and fixed it in fifteen minutes.  There was a sensor wire that came loose.  That was all.  I can’t believe they couldn’t figure that shit out between the three of them.

Google knows the secrets that lie in the heart of your garage door

Back over at the GNR house, Model-Wife is dressed like the worst undercover prostitute vice cop ever, while discussing her possible nude photo shoot with Skankasaurus.

Don’t let her in your car!  It’s a trap!

The Imposter calls, and she’s freaking out because she got called in to work, and asks the other girls to hang out with her dad.

The radiation will melt my face if I hold the phone any closer

Cut to the car with The Imposter and her daddy, and he’s lecturing her about not being organized, because now he doesn’t get to spend time with her while he’s in town.

From the “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” collection.

The Imposter has a plan to surround her daddy with hot skanks at the club she works at, so she knows he’s having fun and she can get her work done.

Important people can’t be bothered to put the phone all the way to their ear

There’s lots of drinking and skanking and Daddy looks amused if not slightly awkward.

Yeah, he fits right in here

Skankasaurus tells us that Model-Wife doesn’t drink much, so the drinks hit her really really hard.  She drives her drunk ass home and they stumble to the door, which drunky has lost her keys to.  She doesn’t want to wake up her husband, so she does the logical thing and breaks in through a window.  Note to would-be robbers out there:  Try the window.

But maybe leave the stripper shoes at home

Over with The Imposter, Daddy is sitting with Billy and discussing how scatterbrained his daughter is.  She lost some leather jacket, and Daddy and Billy both lecture her on the virtues of not putting clothes in giant piles, because it makes it hard to find stuff.

If you can’t put your toys away then we won’t buy you any more toys

The Imposter is upset and says she was expecting her daddy to see her side, but instead he’s siding with Billy.  Well shoog, maybe they could see your side better if it wasn’t buried under six weeks worth of laundry.  You know it’s bad when you’re not actually a hoarder, but your bedroom looks like the ones you see on Hoarders: Buried Alive.

The home of a truly free spirit

Rather than accepting that maybe she’s a slob and a pain-in-the-ass, she declares that she just can’t win, and skulks off like a petulant child.  Way to prove how mature you are!  **thumbs up**

I’m gonna go to my room to write in my journal and update my Facebook status about what jerks you guys are.

Later that day, Perry and Etty are taking a turn to listen to The Imposter bitch about her daddy lecturing her on tidiness.  Ever the diplomat, Etty points out that Daddy wasn’t trying to be mean, and that she does tend to run around like a lunatic looking for stuff, but never bothers to spend two minutes putting said stuff away so she can find it.

And then the ant had plenty of food for winter, but the grasshopper couldn’t find its food cause it was buried under several mountains of clothes…

You can almost see the air rush out of The Imposter’s excitement, as she was clearly expecting her gal-pal to side with her.

You’re totally trying to tame my spirit

Perry is a smart boy, and he just sits to the side smirking and drinking coffee.

I miss heroin…

After failing to convince anyone in her life that the problem is with anyone but her, The Imposter tells Etty that she’s not the kind of girl that organizes things and she needs assistants and gas-pump-ers.  She’s also got an opening for an ass-wiper if any of you are looking for work.  Oh, and someone to hold the map and the flashlight while she attempts to locate the ass that needs wiping.  Helpless people make me wanna throw stuff.  No one NEEDS their gas pumped.  Not unless you live in Oregon, where you’re legally required to have someone pump it for you.  Otherwise, it’s one of those things that you just do, and it’s not even a difficult thing.

Would you like a diagram?

Oh hey, it’s time to get nakey!  Finally.  Model-Wife is chatting with Photo-Buddy, and is very nervous about this whole nudity thing.  That’s funny, because I would see the naked thing for an artful photo shoot as less scandalous than the hooker-cop outfit she wore to the club with Imposter’s daddy.

No but seriously, will you be able to see my lipo scars?

She comes out and stands in a circle to make a human peace sign.  This is a great example of why the fake boobies need to stop right now.  This woman would look gorgeous nude if those obviously plastic boobies weren’t standing out like some sort of sore appendage.

Oh yeah, those look totally natural

Duff shows up to tell her she’s beautiful and watch the end of the shoot, and with that we’re done with what was (sadly) the most exciting part of the entire show this week.

Aging is for poor people anyway

Back for one last visit to Casa De Not Gonna Marry You, The Imposter apologizes to Billy for not taking responsibility for her own struggles.  He says he’ll try to help her out with the house, and The Imposter tells us that she can’t cook or clean for shit, but she sure does like to fuck like a porn star.  That’s great, hon.  I’m sure your daddy (who’s in the other room if I’m not mistaken) is super proud of you and all that you’ve become.  Well there you have it ladies.  If you can’t pump gas, you’d better do anal.

You owe me some ass-to-mouth for those holes you somehow put in the house

And with that, the show draws to a close.  Good lord these housewives are boring.  Only one hot mess couple, and they got zero screen-time this week.  Where are the train-wreck rock wives?  Did somebody marry Dee Snider?  How about Tommy Lee?  What’s he up to these days?  Oh right, Hepatitis… Yeah… Guess that might have slowed him down a bit.

Stop having incurable STD’s and come entertain me with your shenanigans

Oh well, here’s a pic of Stella.  She’s the cutest thing that ever happened.

She always looks so sad…

Till next week kids, let’s all pray to the reality TV gods for some New Jersey Housewife style action or something.  Cause otherwise I’m gonna need a lot more coffee to make it through the season.