Married To Rock: The Lonely Peanut

***Our beloved The Miki is without internet for a couple of weeks. I will be doing last week’s recap, and Ninja Starr is working on this week’s as we speak. Mik will be back in the New Year to finish these hookers off!

Previously on Married to Rock, the editors put lots of reverb on Etty’s advice to AJ so we could hear her backwards ass pronunciation of “backfire” over and over again.

Eets goeen to backFIUH on you! FIUH on you! FIUH on you!

Damn. No wonder she didn’t propose. She was hypnotized into thinking she’d be burned alive.

Desperate? Alone? Forever single? WHAT? WHAAAAT?!?!

We open today (or…um…last week) with Etty going to find out why AJ ended up not proposing to her Gold Card. Gee, I don’t know Etty, cuz you found like thirty different ways to say “HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!” ?? Etty was kind of right in the end, though. Billy’s a grumpy ass old man and he was not in the mood for that shit. Saved.

I know that I just started this recap and I am already going off about something, so advance sorry. But I also recap The Real Housewives of Beverly HIlls, and I noticed that women who get too much plastic surgery end up having hairlines that start in the middle of their heads. Once I noticed I can’t stop noticing. It’s aggravating. AJ’s a beautiful(ly pathetic) girl, but now when I see her giant tall stapled forehead all I can see is Mister Peanut Head. Now that’s all you’ll see, too.

You’re welcome.

Anyway, Etty is asking why the proposal didn’t happen. Poor AJ. She’s getting so lonely and dusty that she’s literally covered in cobwebs.

I couldn’t even get her entire peanut head in this pic. My computer refused.

 

Etty affirms that it’s the man’s job to propose. Agreed. But whose job is it to force him to want to propose? Peanut’s pretty depressed, and she’s not sure any more if Billy can give her what she needs in a relationship. LOL. NOW you’re not sure? Billy’s new album is gonna be called “OH HAYELL NO HEIFA HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY IT?!?” I kid, but I want better for AJ. Better surgery.

Relax. Go nuts.

Etty tries to make her feel better by reminding her this isn’t the fifteenth century, where women were born and bred to make babies. I don’t think that people even lived to their mid forties in the fifteenth century. Point is, this is the future. Women are born and bred to skank themselves up enough to trap an aged rock star on E!. We’ve really come a long way, you guys. Personally, I find the idea of being sold off by your parents to breed for a rich guy slightly less offensive than desperately trying to sell yourself off. But that’s me. And I’m totally for sale btw so I’m not judging. The opening titles even seem to be making fun of AJ for probably never having a baby.

You know she’s sensitive right now you guys. Can we get a more positive opening ?

I, for one, am still extremely saddened by Dave Thomas’ death. It especially kills me that Wendy grew up to be such a slut cake.

Daddy left me enough to get everything Biggie Sized.

AJ goes over to Hosie’s to get her staples covered with some clown foundation and Hosie invites her to go on tour with her and Steve. AJ knows she’s only being invited cuz she’s mopey and alone forever, but she’ll go anyway. Being pathetically singular in the world is never a reason not to go somewhere. Jack Nicholson still shows his ass up at the Oscars every year.

Steve’s totally fine with AJ coming, as long as she promises not to poop on the bus. LOL. AJ assures Steve and us that she doesn’t poop EVER. Ok then, no sticking tubes up your butt to flush out all the fingernails you ate, then. Put it however you want to, skank. Just don’t stink. And how is getting a colonic less disgusting than pooping? Discuss. Steve is so sweet and kind. I want a chilled out jelly belly chomping man like him! But maybe a little less

and more

Susan’s checking out the space for her eco friendly fashion show. LOL. Give me a fucking break with this eco friendly shit. You know what’s not eco friendly? All the saline and rubber injected into any body that would be able to wear one of your ho suits. You can bury the suit and it will disintegrate faster than cow poop, but your boobs and lips are forever. That is, unless by eco she means economy friendly, like the Eco Lodge. In that case, I would be behind her. I love a sale. And to tell you the truth I am kinda curious about how I’d look in one of her creations. Santa, you listening, buddy?

Susan’s psyched because celebs have been wearing her swimsuits all over the media. Because they’re eco friendly and celebs are sheep who will do anything to make them look like decent people. How many eco friendly bathing suits are there to compete? It’s possibly the dumbest eco friendly product I’ve heard of to date. That stupid term has spawned a multi billion dollar industry, and what has it gotten us? Super expensive brown salad bars. Humans aren’t supposed to live on mulch.

Fuck the planet. Let’s go to Golden Corral and wait for the sunspots to burn us alive.

Susan gets a call from her man. She’s been so busy that she forgot date night! OH NOES. She rushes home to Duff, and he seems pissed but says he totally understands cuz he gets busy too. That could be forgiveness, or it could be a subtle warning that he gets to skip date night too on one of the nights he feels like staying out in the cornfields a little late to scare away the crow dinner rush.

Planning on buying a brain the second I find one that’s eco friendly.

One of the models didn’t show up. Woops! Guess Susan will have to wear a skank suit! HA. I’m so sure. If I had that body I’d be lying left and right to be half naked too. The bus is late? Getting in my undies. They’re already half decomposed so they’re safe for the environment. Don’t judge me.

Duff has to get to the airport. He was just swinging by to tell her he loves her. And to beg her to shave that nipple by the time he comes home.

So…are those suits not made for actually getting wet? Cut five seconds in the rain and her left tit’s gonna look like it’s got a tampon string hanging out. The show starts, and it’s full of bathing suits that have all kinds of shit glued to them. Feathers, Tassels. Key rings. Kidding about key rings, but how handy would that be? I wonder if there are any with built in back braces. Hosie’s knuckles are gonna be scraping the ground by the time she’s forty.

It’s like a normal fashion show with dumber people in it. Models dumber than models. That’s sad. Less barfing, more trying to figure out how to sit on chairs. These girls make Models of the Runway look like a video tour of Harvard.

Chairs are difficult to understand sometimes. Shhhhhh now.

Not much happens. That seems to be a running theme on this show. And yet, I’m smiling. I wish I had one of those handheld scanners stock clerks use at grocery stores so I could scan Susan’s butt crack to find out how much she costs.

Steve, Hosie and AJ hit the tour bus. They drive and drive and drive but we don’t really see any of that. A shame, because I was really looking forward to the conversation on that trip. You know there was some serious back and forth on the future of American literature going on there. I love good book talk. And by that I mean people talking on tape. I’m currently listening to My Horizontal Life by Chelsea Handler. If anyone deserves a Poolitzer it’s her. Cuz I laugh so hard I wanna poo. AJ would be mortified.

They get the pimp ass suite at the Palms in Vegas. Saw it on BH Housewives, so I feel very VIP and bored with the bowling alley in the room and stuff. Hosie has a surprise for Steve. She’s dressed like Kenley Penley from Project Runway (but with massive personality in the upper rib area) and she’s used his credit card to buy him a hello kitty guitar! HA! Love love love Hosie. We seriously do have so much in common. We like to giggle. We like to dress up and own lots of wigs. We both have boobs that are way too big to be understood by the rest of society. We both buy shit for ourselves and wrap it up nicely to pretend it’s for other people. I bought my mom size 13 cowboy boots for Christmas and I’m getting my married sister a yearlong paid membership to Nerve Personals.

She has one of the stage hands surprise him with it when he’s onstage and it’s time to switch out guitars. The guy says he’s gonna get fired, and I don’t think he’s kidding. Steve takes the guitar and Hosie cheers when he actually uses it. Man. That’s love. I’m glad I don’t live somewhere cold, cuz if I saw an evil penguin right now I’d totally pop a boner.

AJ is saddened, cuz there is no way in hell Billy would switch out guitars for her. Nothing to shake some sense into a woman like Hello Kitty. She doesn’t talk much, but when she does she gets all Dr. Laura on your ass.

If you wanna stop being a loser, then stop being a loser. Now go do the right thing.

Hey you guys. If this episode should teach us anything, it’s this: DON’T SETTLE. Your man is out there! He might be little. He might have Linda Dano hair on top and a mullet on the bottom. He might wear read jumpsuits like an old drunk lady in the seventies. He might…I forgot what I was talking about.

Jeremy and Billy come back to Steve’s dressing room after the show. They’re pissed about the Hello Kitty guitar. “What is that? What does that say to the audience?” It says Steve’s wife gives him pussy. What’s not rock and roll about that? Steve just laughs them off and says once Hosie goes home he’ll put the guitar away. When Hosie comes in, he sweetly thanks her and then they start rubbing all over each other. Let’s play a game. Whose boobs are grosser?

AJ gets the hell out of there to try and sand paper that vision off her lenses. Back in LA, Susan is trying to make up for missing date night by learning to ride a motorcycle. Etty thinks that might be going a bit too far. Blow and let it go. Or just keep your husband terrified at all times and he won’t give you shit about anything. Etty seems like kind of a fake asshole at times, but relationship-wise, she’s my role model.

The riding lesson’s just started, and already Susan’s fallen off. HA. She’s skerd now, but it’s either get back on the bike or listen to Etty fakely coo “it’s okaaaaay! You’re okaaaaaay!” like her son just we the bed. I wonder if Etty ever says anything that does’t sound like it wasn’t written by an out of work handicap parking sign writer first.

Hosie didn’t piss anyone off with the Hello Kitty guitar. I think that upset her, cuz now she’s in a Hello Kitty store to buy crap to redecorate the tour bus with. HA. Does she want Steve fired so he can spend more time at home? Who knows? AJ is disturbed by all the pink merchandise, and the obligatory Asian girls are disturbed by Hosie. They’re all right.

The guys get to the pink bus and are pretty pissed. The guy with about 2 inches without ink on him thinks it’s waaay too much. Have you looked at yourself? You look like a Where’s Waldo? poster.

Put on a shirt. You’re giving me a seizure.

They give her a solid no, and she can’t understand how they wouldn’t like it. She seems genuinely confused. Not that that’s anything new.

How am I supposed to throw up into this?

Susan surprises Duff in Seattle and shows him her bike skillz. She doesn’t fall though, so it’s not very fun. FF. Back on the bus, Hosie and Steve fuck in their bunk and make use of the Hello Kitty sheets while AJ sobs silently and tries to decide how far back she’s gonna get her hairline pulled to start dating again.

I don’t know that I would have watched this nutty show had I not had the chance to fill in, and I’m grateful to have it in my brain now forever. Check back early tomorrow for this week’s cappy!