Married to Rock: Promise You’ll Stop Trying to Trap Me

theMiki has been doing a great job with this show, but, as happens, some real life stuff came up. I have no real life, so I snuggled up to my TV and let my jaw drop open comfortably for a Married to Rock catchup recap. Mik will be back tonight with the most recent epi. Come on in!

That wedding last episode was pretty amazing. It’s what every girl dreams of. Pink ponies, a toast about meeting in a sex shop, and that little sparkle in your very own Penguin’s eyes.

We open with Perry and Etty. Perry is making the face Etty would have if she didn’t spend so much money on getting her mug blown up like an anime character’s.

They’re planning their day, which requires two computers. These two must be a nightmare in the grocery store. You really need Excel to plan dinner? Come on now.

Which means he’s a wuss. A real rock star would have tossed them a couple of beers and some Big League Chew.

Etty’s mom’s there to clean the house. I prefer actual maids. You can belt them and you don’t have to listen to them whine about it for decades after. Mom tattle tales on Perry’s breakfast choice for the kids in Chinese. Wait. Etty’s really Chinese? I thought she just went to the doctor too much. Plastic surgery is turning us all into the same race. Perry just looks confused as he listens to them talk their secret code, which is awesome.

That mothertrucker

I was just telling my mom that me love you long time.

Etty tells us that Perry’s been spoiled for his adult life so he’s still a big kid. And he’s got the claw bangs to prove it.

It’s like having a third son. That puts his dinky inside you and buys you boobs and stuff. She can’t help but wonder what life would have been like if she had daughters instead of sons. They’d probably show up to kindergarten in bikinis chain smoking and doing the splits upside down. Soil’s only as good as the hoe that tends it.

Perry’s outside playing with the boys, so Etty comes out to nag him and ruin it. Aw, marriage. She might be annoying, but she knows her man. She lectures him about not getting lost and…he gets lost. He just drives around the neighborhood really slowly and she says “at least you’re in a nice car so no one thinks you’re gonna rob them.” Unless someone leaves some hair gel or some shit out on their lawn. Etty tells us how Perry couldn’t make it through the day without her help. Shots of him driving around confused. I think it’s funny how when you’re dating a guy, you try to convince everyone he’s really smart but then you marry him and then tell us all what a moron he is.

AJ is at Griffith Park to watch Billy play soccer with a bunch of old dudes. She cheers him on and tells us how in love with him she is. Poor girl. Sad music plays are her unused ovaries shrivel and die slowly.

Etty goes to their place later to give AJ shit for sharing a closet with her man and to nag her about getting married. Evil, Etty. You know that’s not up to her, but thanks for opening this topic up AGAIN. AJ starts on about how Billy doesn’t wanna get married, and then Billy comes into the closet to talk about how he doesn’t wanna get married. I don’t know how the guy can be any clearer. Oh wait. He just said he doesn’t wanna get married again. So he can be clearer. Etty says flat out that they need to get married and start popping out babies. There are only so many quarters left to be put into that meter and it would be nice if he were around to see his brats graduate from kindergarten.

Back to Etty’s kids. They’re hyper animals and are addicted to peeing in public. She’s annoyed that Perry just giggles at their bad behavior, but he also giggles at her shrieking like a harpie 16 hours a day, so take what you can get, girl.

AJ goes to Susan’s house to try on bathing suits. Which I guess is code for “let’s talk about how my boyfriend refuses to marry me some more”. Susan’s man was gun shy at first but eventually bought her a promise ring. That’s what AJ’s gonna do! She’s gonna get a promise ring for Billy! I’m hoping this is all set up for a happy ending, cuz Billy has said “oh hell no” in as many ways as possible. And what the hell is a promise ring when you’re in your fifties? Get him a piece of paper that says you’ll inherit everything when he kicks it and make him sign it when he’s drunk. Rings. Good lord. He’s just not that into you. There are plenty of washups in this town, girl. Move on. Hey wait. You didn’t buy a bathing suit. Poor Susan. I hope she sends her a bill anyway. You shouldn’t have to listen to the woman whine that much for free.

AJ recruits Josie to help her go ring shopping. I really want to make fun of Josie, but I love this girl. She’s funny, she’s sweet, and she even bent to her bridesmaids’ wishes for her own wedding. The last time I was a bridesmaid I got a really large wooden hairbrush thrown at my head. And I had to wear aqua. At the ring store, the clerk is kinda horrified that AJ’s gonna be asking the man, and Josie looks like she knows this isn’t going too well but she keeps her mouth shut. It could also be because her lips are just too heavy to open.

My lips are sealed. Literally. OW MY LIPS HEEEELP!

They find a ring, but AJ wants to make sure it’s big enough for the groupies in row J to see. LOL! Cuz groupies are totally respectful of marriage vows. Billy goes to lunch with Duff to talk bitches. It must suck every time Billy goes into a restaurant cuz the staff probably thinks he’s Gordon Ramsay coming to rip them a new asshole. That’s not someone you wanna be mistaken for. Billy’s glad AJ’s hanging out with a hard worker like Susan, cuz basically AJ’s lazy. HA. Cut to AJ trying on rings. Cut back to Billy talking about how he needs a partner and not some chick sucking the life out of him. This is so romantic.

Etty invites AJ and Josie over, and AJ tells her about how she’s planning to propose. Etty tells her very slowly like she’s reading off a really poorly written cue card that he’ll ask her when he’s ready. AJ is offended at that good advice cuz she already spent Billy’s money on the rings. They get to Etty’s and try to avoid getting peed on by her children. Etty’s mortified that AJ is acting so desperate and lectures veeeery slowly about making the man hunt. AJ is already in the game bag with a loaded rifle to give Elmer Fudd. Too late.

Josie goes home to tell Penguin about the proposal, and he’s not optimistic. He is, however, ready to beat Batman at his own game once and for all. Does Billy have a Mrs Roeper fetish? Cuz if so you’re in.

Josie comes over to help out with the big night. I hope you brought some Rohypnol, cuz everything else is just decoration. Josie brought a chicken recipe from Glamour Magazine that is supposed to make a man want to marry you. HAHAHA. Love. Her. She tries to teach AJ how to wash a chicken and gets accused of massaging its butthole. My forehead is my palm but I just can’t press stop.

Wanna watch Etty be fakey with her kids and husband? Me neither. But let’s do it anyway. The boys have a sunset picnic for her, and she becomes thankful for them all. Aw! Cutewhocares. Back to AJ. She lights candles, pins her face back, and gets ready for Gordo’s uncomfortable no. Then the perfect commercial comes on to get her ready for her future.

Billy sees the romantic set up, gets teary, and smiles from ear to ear cuz he’s the happiest man in the world.

OK he doesn’t.

Danger music plays while she starts in about how comfortable they are together and how much they love each other, and then the phone rings. We don’t hear who it is, but it’s probably Penguin screaming “RUUUUUUUNNNNN!” While he gets some bad news, AJ flashes back to everyone warning her against proposing…so she chickens out. Booooo! What the hell? So basically this whole episode was about not paying for a bathing suit and massaging chicken butt. Is it wrong that I still loved it? I need to start reading more.