Married To Rock: The End

Greetings Gasmii. I know I’ve been away for a very long time and that Flipit’s poor, overworked butt has been filling in for me, but I’ve pulled myself up by my bootstraps here in order to finish what I started only 8 episodes ago… I will finish recapping this trainwreck of a skankfest, dammit!

Sooo… A few caveats. First, I haven’t watched the last two episodes. I’ve been working 15 hour shifts and living in a house with no internet or Tivo, so the goings on of the E! Network have been more than a little tough to keep abreast of. (Hehe, breast). Second, I’m at my sister’s house writing this, it’s 9:00 on a work night, I haven’t even finished downloading the episode off of iTunes, I didn’t sleep last night, and my ass is feeling a little twacked out. So if I drift off mid-sentence or fail to make sense at any point during the next however many pages of cappage, let’s all blame J-Mo. Why? Because he gets to recap a show that’s actually GOOD, dammit! He deserves some flack for not having to sit through an hour of unwatchable dreck every week. Also, he has adorable kitties to console him. Oh, and lastly, I just got over the stomach flu. Not that this will in any way effect my recapping abilities, but I figure so long as I’m whining about my life I might as well throw that in there.

Barf

All caught up? Good! Me neither. Let’s make this shit happen so I can go to bed. And you damn kids get off my lawn while you’re at it.

Previously on Married to Rock, The Impostor wasn’t actually married to rock, and was less than happy about it. So she went and bought rings to ask him to marry her, but then she chickened out and didn’t ask him. Nikki Suxx married Skankasaurus for a second time, and I guess that’s all the producers think we need to know before the finale starts.

This week opens with me throwing up in my mouth a little. No really. Look! LOOOOOOK!!!!!

Even the garbage disposal’s grossed out.

Yeah, this is… Romance? I think? I mean, I’m all about doing whatever kinky interesting shit gets your motor going, but washing your girlfriend in an industrial sink is about a hundred different kinds of not sexy. Come on man! We do our dishes in there! Well, okay, not me personally, but someone does.

Perry tries to justify these shenanigans by telling some ridiculous story about having to wash dishes and how it made him feel bad but now he OWNS the sink.

Now I DRIVE the bus, man

You don’t have to pay for hookers anymore either. Now you own one. Well done!

Cut to Impostor and her little car-like-thing. She’s on the phone with Billy and she “Wants to talk.” **Dun dun dun** That’s never good. No one says they want to talk unless they want to say something horrible to you. Otherwise they just talk. You only get told there’s going to be talking when the talking is going to involve your parents getting divorced or your boyfriend coming out of the closet or your girlfriend trying to whine you into marrying her.

Granted, out of all these bitches I think I like the Impostor the best, but you can’t just bitch at a dude and have him wake up wanting to propose. Pretty sure he’s never EVER going to marry you, sweets. Move on. Maybe Vh1 will give you a dating show to fill the empty space left by Rock of Love Bus.

You know you’ve hit the big time when you’ve got a story about ConstantPeen running under your pic.

Over at Casa de Way too Much Pink for a Dude to Live There, Nikki Suxx and Skankasaurus are discussing the potential break-up of Impostor and Billy. They’re also discussing a Flamenco jam session while Suxx downs four of what we’re supposed to believe are Aspirin. Yeah… Sure they’re Aspirin. Uh huh. Skanko says it’s cause he broke his wrist on tour and can’t play for long without “The Aspirin.”

His bandmates got violent and made him literally limp wristed after he got onstage with a Hello Kitty guitar.

Okay, yeah, maybe in Hollywood magic TV land aspirin actually does a goddamn thing besides thin your blood, but there’s no way anyone is convincing me that a pseudo-celebrity like Suxx doesn’t have a medicine cabinet full of things that end in -codone and -contin. Pfffft! Aspirin… That’s a good one.

Oh hey, back over to the Unwed One, she’s at lunch with Cunty McCunterface (that’s Etty, in case you haven’t been keeping score) discussing the possibility of having children and being a mother. She Who Shall Not Be Married does a lot of whining about her single status and Etty tells her that she had to walk away to get Perry to chase after and marry her. Blah blah more crying blah blah. God I wish one of these girls would bust out in a full song/dance of Single Ladies right now. Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh. Yeah.

Back to Suxx and his jam session and his terrible Aspirin habit.

I’m so excited, I’m so excited, I’m so… Scared.

Skank-o tries to keep an eye on him so he doesn’t hurt himself, and yeah, they’re nice to each other and stuff, and no I don’t entirely hate them, but I still kinda wanna kick them both.

Later that day (I think… there’s no solid timeline here) Impostor shows up on Skanko’s doorstep with a bunch of bags and bunch more tears and says she’s moving out. Skanko tries to be a good friend and be supportive and sweet, but there’s just no way to take anything she says seriously when she’s wearing that fucking hat.

Great. Now your boobs look even better. Come in I guess.

So the ladies unpack Impostor’s stuff, and they seriously make me worry about my entire gender. They can’t work a dolly. They can’t work a van. They can’t even work a box. ((That what she said)) My ovaries are hiding their face in shame at this display.

After that embarrassment to the whole female of the species, Impostor cries on the phone to her mom a whole bunch. Geez! It must suck shit to have a camera crew follow you around during a horrible break-up. Last time some evil girl tore my heart out and I was a big emotional chain-smoking ice-cream scarfing mess, I didn’t even want the clerk at the 7-11 down the block to know I’d been crying. I mean, clearly he knew I’d been living off of ice cream and Camel No 9’s, as he was my sole supplier of both things, but I always pretended to have allergies or wear shades when I went in. Cause crying in front of people sucks. A lot. Which is why no cameras follow my ass around. Well, also, no cameras have ever really tried, cause they’d spend a lot of time watching me paint, clean, masturbate, and watch TV. Aside from the third item there I don’t think there’s much of a market for TheMiki Show.

Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh right, ovaries. Skankbot is having horrible cramps (once again, CAMERAS) and can’t find her Vicodin. Wow, golly gosh gee you guys. You don’t suppose this could have anything to do with that wrist injury of her husbands now do you? Cause I think I’ve seen this after-school special before. Only the wife had smaller boobs.

On a side-note, Skanky gets narcotics prescribed for PMS, but Suxx can’t get his own scrip to play guitar with an improperly healed wrist break? WTF, medicine?

Impostor is already moving out of the Hello Kitty Hellhouse for some reason, and in with some dark haired girl who was probably in one of the episodes I missed. The move in scene is centered around a dog peeing a lot. Sadly, this isn’t the most embarrassing excuse for television I’ve seen in the last half-hour. Not even close.

Milk, cheese, water filters, break up with old person, paper towels, youth, moisturizer, chicken breasts…

Over at some coffee place, Cunty and Skanky are discussing the missing bottle of narcotics. Skanky is so upset about it that she’s only wearing a half a pound of make-up, which is strange. Also, where the fuck are the model wife and the GNR guy? Did they leave the show or something? Cause seriously, E! Doesn’t stream any of their programs and I’m not paying another three bucks to download another episode and catch up. Oh, back to the pills, um… They’re missing. And Skanky is gonna ask Suxx if he’s seen them. Again. That’s their brilliant plan.

Whoever the fuck these people Impostor are staying with are talking to her. The older one is saying that Impostor shouldn’t get a place because she should get back together with Billy. Followed by a montage of apartment hunting, which is almost as entertaining to watch as a trying on hats montage. Old scary plastic surgery warning sign woman tells Impostor that she can’t just move out without talking to Billy, and that she needs to fly out and see him on tour and let him know she’s moving out. Yeah, that’s fair.

So tell me about this Charlie. Is he rich? Is he old? Does he like faces that don’t move and hairlines that start mid skull? I need more info!

Oooh! Over in the drug lair, Timmy’s grades have been slipping and he’s hanging out with a bad crowd. Skanky confronts him and says that he has a history of alcohol problems and he gets mad and says not to throw his past in his face just cause she lost something. She calls him squirrely, he gets all snippy and says he’s going out. Then he smashes a guitar and storms out of the apartment. Gee willikers, skankbot! That’s just how someone would act if they were under the influence of Nar-Cot-Ics.

Montage of Skanky pacing around in her underwear and… That’s about all. Then Suxx comes home, kisses her on the head, apologizes, confesses, gives back the pills, and with that the closest thing to excitement we’ve seen all season fizzles to a close. Damn you! Why the shit would you wanna handle these things like grown ups? You know what’s better? Fucking other people for revenge and then lighting closets full of clothing on fire. I’m just throwing that out there for next time.

I love you. Now let’s crush this shit up and snort it together.

So they’re all happy and made up and stuff. Woot. Let’s follow Impostor as she re-enacts the end of every romantic comedy ever, and hops on a plane to tell a guy it’s over. Wait, is that how romantic comedies end? I’ve never made it all the way through one. There seems to be an inordinate amount of time spent in airports from the bits I’ve caught though.

The producers had some dead air to fill, so we get yet another montage, this one to some crappy whine-rock band playing over blurry edged footage of the couple when they were happy. Fuck off, E! Network. Stop trying to patronize my ovaries. We’re all on to you.

Impostor makes it to Billy’s hotel and delivers a teary eyed break-up speech. Billy looks sad too. Good lord, can you imagine getting dumped in front of a camera crew???? Reality TV is sick and wrong. And I really miss having Tivo, dammit. Impostor says she’s moving out and Billy calls her “Ballsy.” Haha. Just what every girl dreams of hearing all her life. So… Sniffle sniffle whine, I don’t wanna break up whine sniffle I’ll always love you blah blah blah. Yeah, we’ve all been through crappy break-ups before. Watching it happen to someone else is just… Weird. And this from someone who enjoys watching car-wrecks and the faces of death videos. Still, it’s like watching someone’s heart get raped with cheesy montages and terrible theme music. We, as a country, are sick and twisted and seriously fucked up. Bring back the deadly animal attacks, please.

You’re still gonna come watch me play softball, yeah?

Anyhow, Impostor is on the phone telling someone that she’s tired and scared and sad and itchy and Lithuanian and stuff.

So all the wives come to visit the Farrells in their new place, and I guess Model Wife is still on the show after all. Perry starts monologuing about Etty and love and getting clean. Does anyone care about the tour of their house? Really? I zone out when my friends show me their houses, and I LIKE my friends. I downright loathe these fuckers. I don’t want to see their walk in closets and area rugs. ZZzzzzzzzz

Oh hey, Suxx is back in rehab. Can we follow him with the cameras? Cause this show is FUCKING BORING! Maybe he’ll be on Dr. Drew’s show next season and that guy from Grease can challenge him to a duel! Oh please oh please oh please.

Up on the roof (yes the fucking tour is still happening), Etty apologizes for being a cuntface to them all, and they all giggle and cheers and talk about how much they appreciate each other. Seriously, E!? I have LIfetime for this crap. Female bonding after a break-up with a side of drug rehab? This isn’t why I watch your network. I watch it so Seacrest can snarkily tell me which starlet let a nipple slip at the golden globes. I demand that if you do another season of this crap, that you get some actual hot messes to follow around.

One last boob smash (yes, they all smoosh their boobs together, no I haven’t a bloody clue why) and the season is over. Did I actually miss anything while I was on sabbatical? Cause I don’t feel like anything happened in the interim. Then again, I don’t feel like anything happened during the episodes I watched either, so I guess it all makes sense.

Not even dating Rock? YOU’RE FIRED.

I either get internet back next week, or at the end of March, depending on a bunch of crap that’s a long story. If Flipit isn’t still pissed at me for sticking him with two weeks of this rubbish then I’ll hop my ass on a new show as soon as I’m connected to the world wide web again. Cause dammit, I miss you guys. If I had a montage of all the fun times we’ve had making fun of people on TV together, I would totally play it with fuzzy edges and coffee store whine rock, and then I’d run up on a rooftop and smoosh my boobies together with some rock skanks. **Tear**

Till we meet again Gasmii, stay snarky. You’re in my thoughts. And my hard-drive.