Married to Rock: Wedding Special

Greetings Gasmii, and welcome back for another week of painfully scripted, poorly acted, and overall boring shenanigans.  This week’s episode is an hour long, so let’s jump right in, shall we?

There’s this super long re-cap at the beginning of the episode.  They want you to think it’s to get you caught up, but I suspect they just had a really hard time filling an entire hour with these dullards.

Even all that cleavage can’t distract me from how boring you are

We begin with Skanky and Suxx buying smokes from the corner store.  The clerk ID’s her, and this leads to Suxx asking her why she hasn’t changed her last name yet.  She whines about the long line at the DMV, but I think she’s just not ready to be Skanky Suxx.  I mean, a name like that you’ve gotta get used to.

Once your kitchen is pink you’ve pretty much admitted that no decisions are up to you

She uses this totally spontaneous and in no way planned out moment to tell him she’ll change her name when he gives her a real wedding.  And with that we have the basis for making this episode an hour long.  Fuck.  Why are wedding episodes always an hour long?  I don’t like going to real weddings.  They’re fucking boring as shit, okay?  Everyone is just there for the free booze and open bar afterward, and it seems cruel to force them to sit through your nuptuals just for some champagne and chicken ala king.

So I’ve got ten bucks on The Imposter being mopey and sad and whining about not getting married this entire episode.  I’m hoping for tears, but I’ll settle for a heinous fight.

A less Skanky Skankasaurus

Bleh… We see footage from their little bitty wedding/elopement.  Skanky says they’ve always dreamed of a big pink wedding.  I’m thinking she’s doing that thing chicks do where they speak for their husbands as though they both share the same opinion, when in fact the husband just doesn’t care enough to fight.  Pretty sure Mr. Suxx has not spent nights lying awake in bed picturing his perfect pink wedding.  I hope not anyway.

Gross

They make out in the store for a while.  A totally hot chick in the background looks disturbed and amused by the display.

Could we follow her this week instead?

Skanky makes him pinky swear that the wedding will be an explosion of pink ponies and glitter and fun.  Actually, filling pink ponies with glitter and them blowing them up sounds like all sorts of fun.  Doubt that’s what she has in mind, but let’s keep our fingers crossed.

Woot! Dream wedding.

I do appreciate one thing though.  Skanky says, “Eff good taste, let’s have a good time.”  So at least she knows this whole affair is going to be tacky and over-the-top.  No matter how much she annoys me, I always give bonus points for unapologetic self-awareness.

Now if we could just get your hubby to admit he’s not relevant…

Back in the Hello Kitty Whorehouse, Skanky is making pink fortune cookies with The Impostor, and she wants to tell her about the wedding, but is worried it might hurt her feelings because Billy doesn’t want to marry her.  The Imposter asks for Skanky and Suxx’s advice on how to Skype without fighting, and Suxx tries to explain that sometimes life on the road is stressful and that when they’re grumpy and stuff it’s usually because a show didn’t go well and not because they don’t love and appreciate their women at home.  Goddammit!  Stop doing stuff to make me like you!  The both of you!  How in the fuck are you inching your way into favorite couple on the show status?  This frightens me.

How could this be the face of a man you kinda like?

Skanky follows Suxx into their bedroom, and they agree that it’s not the best time to tell The Impostor about the wedding.

Over in the Farrell house, Perry is giving himself a haircut and Etty is bitching at him for getting hair all over the place, and also because she hates his pants.

Don’t think anyone in white pants should be judging the pants choices of others

Okay,  these guys are moving down the ranks of tolerable couples on TV.  I still think Perry is adorable and I kinda wanna give him a hug and tell him it’ll all be okay, but Etty has been eating her Cunt-Wheaties for the past couple weeks and she’s grating on me more and more.

Cunt-Wheaties poster child

Perry stands up for himself and tells her to give the pants a chance.  She keeps telling him he looks terrible and his pants are hideous, and eventually he gives up and goes to change.

I really miss heroin

Over somewhere else, Skanky gathers Etty and Model Wife to announce her big pink explosive My Little Pony wedding.  She asks them to be her bridesmaids, and they sound excited, but I’m already terrified for them and what their bridesmaids dresses will look like.  Etty tries to tell Skanky that her wedding should be classy and elegant because it’s the most important day in a woman’s life.  Grrr… Shut the fuck up, Etty!  I hope she makes you wear a dress made entirely out of My Little Pony hair and Bedazzled gem stones.  Bitch.

Awesome bridesmaids dress

So now we’re at the Impostor’s house with Skanky, and she le’s The Impostor know about her wedding.  The Impostor is super sweet and excited and begs to help.  Skanky tells her that she was nervous about telling her, and The Impostor says (lies) that she’s happy and content with Billy and can’t wait to be a bridesmaid.  Okay, so current ranking of who I like best on this show goes:  Perry, AJ, Duff, Skanky and Suxx, Billy, Etty, Model Wife.  It’s amazing how much opinions can change after only a couple hours of watching people on television.

Cunty bitchface is moving down the ranks quickly

And now we’re at a café, where The Impostor tells Billy that she’s gonna be in Skanky’s wedding.  Billy expresses that the wedding of his dreams would be eloping and he has no desire to have a real wedding, which makes the Impostor look like a sad puppy.

Perry does sad face way better

I actually feel bad for her.  I know that most guys don’t really want a big wedding.  The thing is, when you love someone and something means so much to them, you do it and you don’t bitch because making them happy makes you happy.  Sure, I’m all for honesty, and if she had asked his opinion on big weddings and he’d nicely told her he wasn’t into them then I wouldn’t fault him for it, but he just dove right in to rub his lack of desire to be her husband right in her face.  Fuck, he’s pissing me off now too.

Fuck you and your highlights that were cool back when I was in eighth grade.

The Impostor tells Billy she wants to make sure he’ll be in town to go to the wedding, and he’s a bit of dick about it but says that he’ll be there.

So we next see the ladies all together looking at a venue.  Etty is getting all control freak and trying to convince Skanky to have her wedding at this super posh classy expensive building.

Skanky’s reaction to the word “Classy”

Skanky starts talking about replacing everything with pink versions.  Then she wants the sushi at the wedding to be shaped like Hello Kitty.  Etty rolls her eyes and is a total bitchface, and Model Wife actually jumps in to say it’s cute and she likes it, and hey, it’s HER wedding so she’s the only one whose opinion matters.

Shut up!  I can’t handle liking you too.

Etty gets super condescending and tells her that the Hello Kitty thing would be better for her birthday party.  If I were Skanky, I would reach across the table and slap that bitch right in her cunt-y mouth right about now.

That’s a face that’s begging for a back-hand

Skanky says she wants a venue a that’s a little more like a castle, and Etty continues to glare at her and talk to her like a retarded child.  Dammit Etty.  I fucking hate you right now.  Just let her be tacky!  She’s always tacky, and she knows it, and she’s fine with it.  This ain’t your wedding, bitch!

Oh, did all your meddling give you a headache?  STFU!

Next  up the ladies (minus Etty) show up at a castle to check it out as a possible venue.  Skanky says she’s happy to be able to look around without Etty pushing her “Beige Agenda” on her.  The castle is tacky and loud and kind of awesome, and so perfect for the exploding glitter pony wedding.  Skanky asks her two present bridesmaids what they think, and they all agree it’s a yes.

Yay for outings without she who shall not be named

Back with the unmarrieds, Impostor tells Billy that they went to look at a castle for the wedding, and Impostor asks Billy what he would want their wedding to be like.  She asks him if he wants to see her walk down the aisle, and he says yes and he hopes he gets invited.  She keeps pushing and he keeps kinda joking around  and brushing off all her incredibly not subtle hints.

Have you considered faking a pregnancy?

So it’s the next day, and Skanky is looking at hideous dresses.  Like the sort of  shit you dream of wearing to a wedding when you’re five years old and your favorite color is sparkles.

Classy shit

It’s perfect for Skanky, but I can’t wait to watch Etty have a passive-aggressive meltdown when asked to pick out her bridesmaid dress.   Speaking of Princess Bitchface, she pulls up with Impostor, bitching about how Impostor needs to get a real car (Impostor has one of those little Smart Cars).  Grrrrr.  Hate.

Why didn’t you pass that guy?  My seat is too far forward. I hate this radio station. You smell funny. I hate your shoes…

The bridesmaids all enter the dress shop, and Etty immediately starts picking apart all the options.  Skanky, for her part, has a couple she likes but tells the girls to look around and tell her what they like because she’s completely open to suggestions.  Etty and Impostor have a little gossip section in the corner about how they don’t like any of the dresses.

Mean Girls

Etty wants Impostor to tell her, but Impostor smartly refuses.  Etty says she’ll tell her, and then says it’s maybe not the right store for wedding dresses, but says it in that super slow condescending way that she’s so good at.  Skanky takes it well, and tells her to just try some stuff.  Impostor chimes in that they just wanna maintain their own personalities a little in their dresses, which is bullcrap because all bridesmaids look like idiots and they grin and bare it.  At least she’s giving you a whole store full of ugly dresses to choose from.

Could you possibly be a little more condescending?

Etty gets straight up bitch and tells Skanky she won’t allow her to be tasteless and that nothing is appropriate for a wedding.  Skanky goes to try on a couple dresses and Model Wife pulls her aside and tells her not to be so harsh while Skanky cries in the dressing room.  Fucking hell, I mean, yes, this shit is tacky and horrible, but how long have these bitches been friends with Skanky?  She IS tacky and horrible. It’s who she is.  This is her wedding and you all need to shut the fuck up and be tacky horrible bridesmaids because you’re her best friends and that’s your damn job.  Hate.

Bridesmaid FAIL!

So cut to Guitar Center.  Skanky and Suxx are there looking for ‘61 Gibson reissue.  Skanky tries to get him to buy a pink one and he jokes around about losing all his guitar playing powers when he has a pink guitar.  She tells him about the girls resisting her wedding plans, and about Etty being a cunt-y mccunterson, and he tells her fuck them cause it’s not their wedding.  My point exactly.

So Perry and Suxx are at the Ferrell home where Suxx is doing a fitting for his wedding attire.  Etty comes out long enough to bitch about Suxx standing on her pilates box, and then takes off to chase a phantom child.  Perry asks how it’s going and Suxx says that Skanky wants a castle and ponies and a pink wedding dress, and Perry says if that’s what she wants then that’s awesome.  Yay, Perry!  Thank you for being the only consistently likable person on this awful show.

Now if we could just do something about your wife…

After a little bit of trying on clothes, Suxx very diplomatically mentions that Etty said something that upset Skanky and he just wants to make sure things will be okay.  Perry defends her a little, but also apologizes and says he’d be happy to have a word with her about not being mean and opinionated to the bride-to-be.  Suxx takes off to track down some pink horses, and Perry goes out to the pool to talk to Etty.  He tells her that he appreciates that she’s got an opinion, but that she hurt Skanky’s feelings.  Etty says that she just wanted her wedding to be perfect for her.  Perry tells her to just go tell Skanky that she’s just trying to watch her back, but that whatever Skanky wants is what she should have and she’ll support her.  Good mediating Perry.  He’s clearly used to defusing this Bitch Bomb.

Please be less awful

So it’s later that night and it’s bachelorette party time.  They get a stripper pole and lots of pink and a bunch of girls dressed like Hello Kitty Hookers drinking their faces off.

Woot!  Drink till she’s not a bitch anymore

Etty pulls her aside and tells her that she wants to apologizes for being unkind and insensitive.  It’s actually a really good proper apology.  Skanky is very forgiving and tells her she loves her honesty and thanks her for the apology and tells her that she wants her in a pink dress still.  It’s a good moment, but Etty just sounds so fucking fake the whole time.

The next day Skanky goes with the Impostor to try on a white dress, just to give it a shot.  The girl at the shop mentions that they can Bedazzle it and add skulls and all sorts of stuff, which could work.  Skanky in a white dress is a laughable lie, but whatever.   Once they cram her giant fake fun bags into the dress she actually looks really good in it.  She says that she’s seriously rethinking the pink dress because this one is so amazing.  She says it’s the perfect dress and she cries and the Impostor hugs her.

About as classy as she’s ever gonna look

So while Skanky is getting fitted The Impostor decides to delude herself by trying on a wedding dress.  She looks great too, but it’s just kinda sad because Billy clearly has no intention whatsoever of marrying her.

Maybe you could wear it to a fancy party

Speaking of Billy, he’s in the car with Impostor, where he breaks the news that due to his tour he won’t be able to make it to Skanky’s wedding.  Impostor looks sad, and tells Billy that she tried on a dress and loved it.  He says he loves weddings, just so long as they’re not his.  Impostor is getting even more super sad face, but she tells him she loves him and sends him off on tour.

Eyes on the road, lady!

Jump to a dress shop that’s slightly less gaudy than the original, where Skanky is having the ladies look at some new dresses.  She has them in some fringy pink fem-bot numbers.  Etty is super reserved today and tells Skanky that the dresses look great and she loves them.  Good job, cunt-face.  Play nice.

Not the tackiest bridesmaids dresses I’ve seen by a long shot

And with that, it’s the day of the wedding.  Montage of getting ready, with White Wedding playing (which I’m sure gets Suxx some royalties, so double-score).  Etty and Model Wife put on their Hello Kitty necklaces with minimal judging and bitching from Etty.  Perry tells Suxx he looks gorgeous and Suxx asks him if he wants to marry him.  Basically there’s a bunch of short clips of pre-wedding stuff to fill some dead air time.

Have I told you my opinions on everything that’s wrong with you yet?

After all the montage stuff is over we see Skanky climbing up to the top of the castle.  I guess so she can ride down the aisle on a trapeze.  All the bridesmaids walk down the aisle with their husbands, except for Impstor who walk all by herself.  Okay, that’s just fucking mean. There wasn’t some little groomsman or even some ring bearer or something that could walk with her?  Way to rub it in, ladies.

Okay, and with that the battery on my camera has crapped out.  I looked online but am not finding any shots from the wedding, so I guess you’ll have to make due with whatever pictures I can find online for the rest of the recap.

So after that one last lonely bridesmaid takes her walk of lonely shame, Skanky floats down to the runway on a giant swing. Oh hey, and Dave Navarro is there.  Don’t know why that matters, but they keep showing him so I guess I should mention it.

Llllllllllllladies.

So yeah, blah blah ceremony, blah blah I do.  Ever been to a wedding?  Yeah?  Then you’ve heard this shit and don’t need a recap.  Let’s skip ahead to the open bar, eh?

Why can’t you be more like your brother, Donny?

Not much of interest here either.  Suxx gives a wedding speech that’s kinda cute and about how Skanky was his support system when his dad got ill and passed away, and he gets all misty eyed.  It’s really sweet.  Everyone’s crying while he talks about her holding his dad’s hand in the hospital, and with that it’s on to drinking and fun.  Well, fun for most people.  Impostor is looking more miserable by the second. She’s trying really hard to look happy, and you can tell, but she’s not happy at all.

Picture is unrelated

And on that sad note this weeks wedding crapstravaganza draws to a close.  Is anyone else finding themselves liking the skanks more and more and wanting to punch Etty in the goddamn face?  Would you ladies wear a Hello Kitty sequin dress if your best friend was getting married and wanted you to?  Should Impostor dump Billy and start singing Single Ladies at him every time she sees him?  Discuss.

Stella  sends her love