MasterChef: Bastage Dresses Down…

Alright, my little food fanatics…here we go, again. It’s our second straight week of 2 hour episodes of MasterChef, and we just can’t get enough. Or can we? Well, that’s for you all to decide…Either way, FOX seems uncannily aware that they have us right where they want us. We’ve committed too much to this show to back out now, and they’re not ready for the ride to end. Seriously, this is the point in time that you expect a clip show just to fill a week. Thankfully, FOX doesn’t seem to have realized that they could pull that stunt and get away with it…yet.

As always, we begin with a 2+ minute introduction that tells us what we forgot after binge-drinking our way through the previous 5 episodes. We’ve narrowed the field to 11, but…There can be only one.

So, in lieu of a clip show, it seems that FOX has decided to re-air last week’s episode, just with different ingredients and settings. We start off with another

WHAT’S IN THE FUCKING BOX?!?!?!?

challenge. Cool, I guess. Gordie polls the remaining 11, and asks them what they’d like to be in the box. DK says he wants something seafood. I got news for ya, bro-dog…if there was seafood under that box, you’d have known it the second you walked into the MasterChef kitchen. Tracy wants eggs and flour and milk and other baking ingredients. So, “WHAT’S IN THE FUCKING BOX?!?” Baking supplies, that’s what! It’s a CUPCAKE CHALLENGE!!! Tracy is excited, and starts screaming and dancing.

Ca$h Money in the bank.

The judges tell them that they have the same basic ingredients in their box, and then unveil the table of deliciousness, from which the contestants can take ingredients to make their cupcakes stand out.

I thought this kind of spread only existed in Imagina-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ationland

So our minis are running around gathering the food and tools needed to make the perfect cupcake, and the music is already intense since they only get 45 minutes to complete this challenge. Our judges, again, have a pretentious pow-wow just to make sure there’s no question that they know their shit better than our minis.

We get interviews with our minichefs interjected intermittently, and as usual there is very little value added. However, I’m noticing that every time Sharone starts talking in his interviews, he’s grinning and laughing and “NO WAI”ing, and I’m wondering if he is taking that whole “ignorance is bliss” to a new level, or if he’s getting a quickie every commercial break.

Insert your own “No WAY!”, “Really?!?”, or “I CAN’T BELIEVE IT” here.

The judges keep wandering around checking with everyone to see what they’re doing. I think I’d be all like “GTF up out my bizness, my BIZNASS!”, but instead they just stop and talk to our judges, wasting precious time. I think our judges are just starting to fuck with people…

I mean, just look what Bastage does when he thinks the cameras aren’t looking…he just dipped his finger in Whitney’s batter. What I’d give to do that…

Tracy talks again about how she’s going to dominate. Foreshadowing? Our Judges reconvene and start talking about which cupcakes they’re eager to try. Teddy wants to try Sharone’s cupcake, because he’s “using a lot of nuts, and it sounds good.”

That’s a lotta nuts!

We fast forward to the 20 minute mark, at which point Gordie kindly points out that the cupcakes need to be in the oven. Tracy looks up like “WTF where did the time go,” and Gordie has to repeat the “cupcakes in the oven” instruction for Faruq. Lucky for everyone who is running behind, as we already know from last week, there are no eliminations at the end of this challenge.

What we didn’t know, until DFV kindly pointed it out, is that the winner of this challenge will not only have the advantage of making a decision that effects the next round, but will also have a chance to jump into the final four. So that seems unfair. But this show isn’t about being fair…

We hit the one-minute mark, and things aren’t looking pretty. Tracy can’t take hers out of the oven because they’re not ready, and we get a montage of “icing melting off the cupcakes” because they’re too damn hot.

Everyone is scrambling around trying to get their icing to stick, with a few exceptions – namely Sharone, Whitney, and DK, who all seem to have nailed it. Tracy is proper fucked, and we’re all like LOL Tortoise and the Hare, biatch! Cockiness gets you nowhere…

She’s taking a page out of Tebow’s playbook.

Anyways, she starts crying, and Gordie seems a bit displeased. I don’t blame him. She’s crying over a fucking cupcake.

Granted, it is a terrible looking cupcake.

Ironically, Tebow seems to be smirking at her crying.

Gordie asks who’s not happy with their cupcake…Tracy raises her hand, among a few others. She’s not happy because it was too warm and the frosting melted. Gordie rubs her nose in it…”presentation: 0.” Next time, don’t be cocky. Didn’t you learn anything from Slim last week?

The judges have again picked based on presumptions, and the first of our three finalists is: DK! He made a delicious chocolate cupcake, which seems to have impressed the judges. He makes a little speech about how he won’t let them down, and all he asked for was an opportunity and they gave him that, and the judges are like…

“Ok, the orchestra is playing the gtfo music and you’re still going on like Adrian Brody”

The next finalist is Sharone. He can’t believe it. Neither can I.

“How did you call my name?”

Gordie explains that the secret to a good cupcake is “the excitement that draws you in at the top, and the moist inside.”

It’s funny, I feel like the same logic applies here.

Our third and final finalist is…Whitney!!! Well, first we get a brief interview with Cap’n Cliché, talking about how he’s sure it’s gonna be him. This concerns me for any of you on board with him, since he’s really had like no face time to this point. Beware the foreshadowing of reality TV.

Our judges love Whitney’s cupcake, and I’m certain I would too. Bastage refers to it as a “smart” cupcake…which I guess is the opposite of Sharone’s cupcake. Anyways, the winner of the first challenge is: SHARONE! We’re all surprised! Surely there’s no way he’s going to just cruise into a spot in the final four, right FOX?!

Sure he will…and don’t call me “Shirley.”

FOX tries to add to the drama, and conducts little back-stabby interviews with the other minis. They basically seem to echo my feelings towards him, so, while scripted and unnecessary, I don’t mind these.

Slim Shady respects him as a cook, but “doesn’t like the dude.”

DK thinks he’s a bit of a kiss-ass.

Seeing as everyone apparently doesn’t care for Sharone, you can imagine their reaction when they hear that he has a chance at a free pass. Sharone’s reaction, though…

…bliss.

He practically nuts in his pants when he learns the guest chef that they were hyping for this week’s episode is Cat Cora. So Sharone’s huge advantage is that he gets to pick the dish that everyone will be making. The other part of his huge advantage is that he’s ineligible for elimination this round. Where was that bonus for my Whitney last week?!? The last bonus is that if the judges rule that he outdoes her at her own dish, he gets to advance to the final four without partaking in any more competitions.

I feel like a 16-year-old school girl seeing Justin Timberlake.

We get like 5 minutes of verbal handjobs for Cat Cora while she stands around trying to act like it isn’t at all awkward. Then they start showing the three dishes that Sharone can choose from…there’s an awkward attempt at synergy between Gordie and Cat, but instead of finishing each other’s sentences, they just keep cutting each other off. Sharone decides that since he isn’t going to get booted, he’s going to make everyone cook the halibut.

Hali-what?!?

Our minichefs have finally taken to swearing regularly instead of just on rare occasion. It’s making me feel less self-conscious, which is good. I think it’s more FOX scripting to let us know how high the heat is right now.

Now everyone is introduced to Cat Cora, and they learn that one of them is getting sent home. FINALLY! There’ll at least be one elimination this episode. I was getting worried!!!

Our contestants are sad to hear that there are eliminations, but super-psyched about Cat Cora.

She gives some stupid speech about how great it is to be there, and it’s nice to see everyone so excited about cooking, and we’re all like “GTFO the stage!!!”

Then Sharone is told that while everyone else is fighting off elimination, he’ll be cooking against Cat Cora for a chance to cruise to the final four. People don’t seem to like this, as it seems a little…how do you say…unfair.

It’s not fair, I have a semi-faux-hawk, sensitive guy beard, and the same rugged good looks as Sharone, and he gets all the attention!! Marcia, Marcia, MARCIA!!!!

Gordie poses a question to Sharone: “Can you beat Cat Cora??” Cat stands by and shakes her head, as if to say “I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.” Sharone is still too starstruck to question why she eats pieces of shit for breakfast.

So first, we get a little tutorial on how to make the dish. Lee stands around and looks brooding. Cat demos this in 18 minutes. They bring in a mobile wall to block off Cat and Sharone from the rest. This way the judges have no way of knowing which dish, Sharone’s or Cat’s, they’re tasting. Everyone gets one hour to prepare the same dish that just took Cat 18 minutes…

The judges confer, and Bastage says that Sharone is probably stupid enough to try to change the dish in an effort to make it better.

“Cat sautéed her corn and onions in olive oil. Maybe I can do something to butter up the judges a little bit, and saute them in butter instead.” …and then maybe laugh at my own terrible pun.

He then proceeds to talk about how if he uses shallots instead of onions, since they’re a little sweeter, he can sweeten up the judges too. And then maybe he can make the show even cheesier by melting cheese on top of his dish, right? For no raisin at all!!! Fuck you, Sharone!!

We run around with the judges, visiting the different stations. Some people don’t seem to be doing so well…others are very confident. Tebow thinks he’s done Cat one better with his cream sauce.

Bastage again feels the need to finger someone’s food. From his reaction, he prefers Cat’s cream to Tebow’s.

People don’t seem to be doing so well here, either. Slim forgot to strain the sauce, and it’s separating, and we’re all like yay fuckin’ finally she’s going home!!!!

Good riddance. Please?

As always, we get the dramatic countdown of the last 30 seconds, which takes roughly two minutes, and is littered with interviews with everyone talking about how they’re either going to win or lose. Somehow, regardless of the fact that Cat prepared the whole dish in 18 minutes earlier, she is also scrambling to finish off her dish. And again, everyone finishes plating their dish at the exact same fucking time. The DFV tells us that since they judges haven’t been able to see Cat or Sharone for the last hour, this will truly be a blind taste test…

I don’t remember being able to see little globules of butter all of Cat’s dish…this would only be a blind taste test if Ray Charles returned from the beyond…

Gordon claims to not be able to tell the difference. The judges decide that one of the dishes is definitely better than the other. Gordie points at a dish, and tells him that if it’s his, he wins. Is it Sharone’s dish?

Take a guess at the answer.

LOL if you can’t stand the heat, GTFO of my kitchen rookie bitch!!!

So, not surprisingly Sharone doesn’t win, but he’s safe. We almost forgot, but now it’s time for eliminations. First up is Slim. She totally overcooked her fish. Teddy tells her “better luck next time” in the best asshole voice he can muster, and it’s wonderful. Bastage refuses to even try it, because he doesn’t eat “garlic boiled in cream.”

Slim Shady? More like Slim Shitty.

Second up is Tracy. Bastage knocks her at first, but then comes back and decides that it’s actually really good. Third is David, and TG takes another moment to be an asshole, and it is glorious.

“So, this is the sauce that’s better than Cat Cora’s?”

“Well, I like it…I mean, Idunno.”

“I thought you said it was better.”

“I was hoping it was better.”

“Oh, ok…maybe I misheard you…No, it’s definitely not”

Mikey is fourth, and apparently he didn’t actually cook the fish all the way. NO!! Looks like there’s another person on the chopping block with Slim. DK runs up fifth, and he’s correct in his guess that he nailed it. ZOMG NO! Even Cat Cora is saying “stunning.” Is there a company out called “stunning” that is just paying advertising royalties or something?

Whitney is sixth, and also does a poor job. Check out what our cameras caught while focusing on Whitney’s disappointment:

If you didn’t hate Slim Shitty before now, there’s still room on the bandwagon. She’s the only person thus far to cheer someone else’s misfortune…

Last but not least is Faruq Vader. What the fuck?!? THREE PEOPLE were skipped!!! Lee, Sheetal, and Cap’n Cliché! Well, I guess none of them are going home. Seriously, FOX, L2TV! Faruq walks up confident. Apparently it’s not as good as FV seems to think it is.

Our best dish on the day is, not surprisingly, DK. He’s been begging for fish the whole time, and nailed it.

“I’m just, like, super stoked.”

Sadly, most of us don’t care about the winner of this competition, since the juicy bits are in the elimination. The bottom three are: Mikey, Slim, and Faruq Vader. So we have one fish that wasn’t fully cooked, one whose sauce was technically flawed, and then Faruq Vader.

“That fish died for a reason – so that you could take it, put it in a pan, and make it amazing. It’s so sad, it’s almost unforgiveable.”

Faruq Vader is sent home, and it appears to be a bad day for the jedi mind trick. Faruq takes it well, but we’re all like NOOOOOOOO!!! Seriously, Faruq is the first person I’ve been sad to see go, because he’s the first person who actually seemed to truly appreciate everything.

Anyways, we’re at the point where we realize there are an even number of people, and we all know what that means. TEAM CHALLENGE, Y’ALL!!!

Today’s challenge is cooking at a truck stop in the middle of fucking nowhere, probably right down the road from where movies like The Hills were filmed. They’re cooking burgers at some seemingly abandoned truck stop in the California desert. As would be expected after the spectacle last week, Gordie & Co make a “fitting” entrance…by riding in the cab of a semi.

Bastage tries to fit in by wearing a designer shirt and a belt buckle. I hope he put some sunscreen on his head, at least.

Teddy tells everyone that they’ve probably had a hundred burgers in their lifetime…which is a horrible understatement for most Americans, who I’m sure eat at least 10-20 a year. He then tells them he probably had 50 burgers himself last week, and we all LOL.

Then Gordie rubs his belly for luck, and it’s awkward for all of us.

DK gets to pick teams, and they shake out like this:

Blue team: DK, Tracey, Whitney, Lee, and Cap’n Cliché.

Red team: Sharone, Sheetal, Slim, David, and Mikey.

I’m not sure about the rest of you, but I lol’d pretty hard at the red team’s lineup. DK’s dream team vs a team with a Korean guy, a Vietnamese girl, and an Indian girl. This should be a freebie for DK& co.

Lolz red team…

The blue team goes with an all beef burger with onion, tomato, and topped with slaw. The red team also goes with an all beef burger, but mixes some bleu cheese into the patties, tops it with bacon and sautéed onion and bbq sauce.

The blue team gets cocky as shit, and we get cocky with them, regardless of our knowledge of what goes wrong with that. The red team’s burgers are falling apart on the grill…and they scrap the bleu cheese patties and start over. The red team is running around with their heads cut off, and the trucker’s show up before they have even one burger to serve!!!! There’s more censored swearing!!!

We’re like “What the f—k”

Now, in my mind, the fact that the red team isn’t ready should mean they lose outright. I mean, seriously, the Blue team has served like 20 burgers and the Red team has served zero. FOX disagrees with my method of determining winners, though, as this is “reality” TV and not reality TV. Regardless of the delays, the truckers still cast their votes. It gets all super dramatic, as early on we’re neck and neck!!

It’s 17-17…close race, what a shocker…

We’re all watching this and assuming that this is going to end 51-49…but then Sharone comes up with a game-changer. Prior to toasting the buns on the grill, they start soaking them in bacon grease. ZOMG H4X!!! Seriously, this is practically cheating. Everyone starts hooting and hollering, and the truckers all come over to provide more verbal handjobs, and we now look to the Blue team to see what adjustment they make to re-even the table.

If bacon buns are ignorant, I don’t want to be right!! Or something…

Remember that thing about cockiness from earlier? Here it is again…and team Blue decides to stick with what’s not working, because if it’s broke, why fix it? Or it goes something like that, right?…

Gordie takes pity and brings a Red team burger over to the Blue side, and lets them all taste it. DK immediately starts knocking it, trying to point out all that’s wrong with the burger that’s “currently kicking [his] ass.”

DK, being the team leader, opts to not change anything, despite Gordie practically pleading with him to make the burger less plain. I mean, shit, I’m sure it’s a good burger, but how’s a burger topped in coleslaw gonna compete with a burger topped with cheese, bacon, and bbq sauce?!? It won’t.

“That burger I just tasted was gross.” But, of course, the best burgers are gross burgers.

I still can’t understand the logic of trying to reason out that all of the people who are ultimately deciding the outcome of the challenge are wrong, and you’re the only one that’s right. Most of us grow out of that when we exit our teenage years, but not DK. He just keeps arguing with Gordie, and yet again, Pride is the downfall.

I just really wanted to work in another shot of Bastage and his absurd outfit…you know it probably cost him more than the combined cost of all 100 truckers outfits….

We’re at 50-39, and there’s a trucker ready to vote. And…commercial!! The horror!!! And we’re back, and the Red team wins, and we’re all like “noooo Slim isn’t going home noooo!!!” Jake still sits around and talks about how his burger was a better burger…

“The weaker burger won today.” Seriously, where else would you hear a line like that? Even Cap’n Cliché himself looks pained by it.

Well, that’s that…We have a losing team yet again, so there’s another pressure test. This week’s test…a table of ingredients, from the common to the exotic. The contestants have to name them by sight, touch, and smell. I guess they could try to hear them, too, so basically only taste is excluded. Again, like last week, this whole event lasts like 25 minutes…but it’s boring as hell.

An amazing pressure test, to be sure…and with stunning ingredients

So, I play along, kinda like when you watch Jeopardy…what, am I the only one who watches Jeopardy? Well, anyways, I think my total, without the benefit of touch or smell, was in the neighborhood of 13. So a couple of the scores below are pretty shameful, but I’m just going to list them for you again, and hope you don’t mind me skimming over this terrible segment of the show…

Jake starts off, and says he’s aiming for 20…well… Scores, in order of participation:

Jake: 11

Tony: 9

Lee: >9

Whitney: >9

Tracy: >9

So, we learned from this pressure test, too, right? Again, arrogant chefs are like blondes in Hollywood. They suck. Ah, see what I did there? I finished Gordie’s thought from week 1 with a clever little pun. CLEVER PUN. Laugh, already!! Most of the chefs, instead of going for the 12 or so ingredients that even I could name, they all go for weird ass ingredients. It’s ridiculous. Lucky for most of them, Capn’ Cliché set the bar so fucking low that it didn’t matter…

Seriously, “passion fruit?!?!?” THERE’S A REASON IT’S CALLED STARFRUIT, DUMBASS!! IT’S BECAUSE IT’S SHAPED LIKE A STAR!!! The children are right to laugh at you!!!

So, Cap’n Cliché is sent home, and nothing of value was lost. Tracy moves higher on my list of people I want to see get sent home, just because of her reaction when she’s told that Tony only got 9 right.

As much as I’ve been begging for Slim to get sent home, this “see you next Tuesday” has reached the top of my list…

And we’re finally on to the “next week on” segment, and so this is where I leave you yet again. Be careful not to spoil your MasterChef dinner, and come back hungry next week…when hopefully there will be more than a weak-ass two eliminations.