MasterChef: Childhood Nightmares

Alright, so here we go again. If you forgot already, the previous episode ended with NO ONE going home. I’m not so happy with that, mostly because I was excited about who was going home, but then Born Again Christian was born again. Again. Or something.

This episode starts out hot. I mean, they all walk into the kitchen, and we get some snippits from Cammy and Christian really just talking about how they don’t like each other. Yes, Christian is a dick, but Cammy is really obsessed as hell with him being such a dick. I mean, I’m not sure if you guys have noticed or not, but the rest of the players don’t seem to have anywhere near the same level of hate for him. Which further strengthens my ‘accidental sex’ theory. Anyway, Teddy points out that there’s a wooden crate turned upside down on their cook stations, probably covering some stunning cooking ingredients, so we know what they question of the moment is, right?

I mean, really…what IS in the fuckin’ box? We’ve gotta be almost out of these, right?

Born again, again Christian tells us that he’s earned the right to be an arrogant prick, because he’s in the top 8 mother fucker.

And this is what happens when 30 year old white guys from Gloucester, Mass try to flash gang signs.

So, it’s time for the mystery box, and Suzy tells us that she started the competition on a real high note, and she ‘rocked out’ on the first couple of challenges, but I’m not sure I really remember her “rocking out” on anything, but I’ll let her have her moment here. At least she correctly says she’s been going downhill since then. Going downhill, staying downhill, whatever. So, Gordie counts down, and they open their mystery boxes, and lo and behold! It’s more seafood. Except this time it’s a surf & turf.

I’m sure there’s a witty remark to be made here, but I can’t seem to stop drooling long enough to type it up…

So this “mystery box” challenge isn’t so typical…because the competitors can use stuff from the pantry, too, which makes sense, considering just cooking the meat completely plain would be disgraceful.

It seems like for all her crazy, Hooch is a bit terrified of the “squiggly” critters in the mystery box. The live shrimp and crawfish, to be specific. Bastage asks if she’s doing ok, as she’s holding one of the shrimp by its feelers, at arms length. She insists she’s fine, and seems to calm down a bit more once every living thing is safely in the boiling water.

The judges talk to a few other contestants. Cammy tells them she thinks Hooch is in trouble here, but that she really wants to see Christian fail, and she’s most worried about YoAdrien as competition.

Honestly, at this point, everyone seems to think everyone else is viable competition. There’s only you and 7 others, so it’s probably a safe bet that you’re not wrong.

Gordie stops by Suzy and tells her that while it’d be nice to see her win a mystery box challenge, she has a habit of overcomplicating things “sometimes.”

This look seems to say “Oops, I did it again…”

It’s funny, too, when Gordie says “it’d be nice to see [Suzy] win a mystery box challenge,” she takes it as a compliment rather than a “get your shit together and finally do it.”

And then, as if from nowhere, we’re out of time. Everyone is scrambling to get finished, as always, but it looks like no one ran out of time. Gordie tells the minis that what they were really looking for in this challenge was creativity. So, there are only 8 people left, and 3 of them will get their dish tasted.

The first name called is Adrien. Gordie says it takes balls to use the short ribs in only 45 minutes. Suzy tells us that Adrien has had some highs and lows, and hasn’t been consistent at all, so it’s surprising to her that he’s in the top three. Of course, if she’d been paying any fucking attention at all, she’d know that he always kicks ass in the mystery box. She doesn’t think he deservers the honor.

All three judges appreciate Adrien’s dish. Gordie says it isn’t magical, but solid.

So, the second name called is…SUZY! Well, that surprises me…

…and her as well, it seems.

I guess once you get used to losing every time, you no longer expect to hear your name called as a winner. It seems like this time she simplified things. Gordie calls her “Ms. Smarty-knickers.” I kinda “teehee” over that, but she’s really just not interesting enough to give her a nickname. Ya know, unless her named sounded similar to “Bland”. Anyways, Gordie and Bastage heap the praise on, and she reacts like a dog hearing “good girl.”

Alright, so if you’ve been counting, you’d know there’s one more “top 3” left. The last one called up is Cammy. Christian hates this. He tells the camera that he can’t believe she’s actually making better food than him in each of these challenges. The judges love her risotto, and Gordie seems to think it’s one of the best things ever. I guess we know who’s winning this challenge.

And then, because there wasn’t enough tension, Gordie…for no screamingly apparent reason…calls out Christian for having shitty mashed potatoes, and requests that he come on up and taste Cammy’s risotto so he can learn how food should be seasoned. He comes up, takes a bite, and with his mouth still full says “it’s pretty good, but I’ve had better.” Gordie tells him to STFU and try to learn something, because it’s becoming evident that he’s taken it about as far as he can in this competition.

Personally I’m starting to kinda hate Cammy, too. I’m not sure there are many people in this competition that I do like. Maybe YoAdrien. He seems pretty ok.

Well, so the winner is Cammy! Her third win!

Christian is grumpy. Stunning

So she gets to see what her advantage is for the elimination challenge, where at least one contestant will be sent home. But based on no one going home last episode, I bet 2 of them go home. So Cammy is taken into the pantry, where she learns the theme for the next challenge. It’s childhood memories, and she’s going to get to pick which of our judges favorite foods, from their childhood, our contestants will have to cook.

So, Bastage starts off by showing a picture of himself as a kid.

Even as a child, he couldn’t smile. He looks like he belongs in The Addams Family.

So Bastage’s favorite food as a kid wasn’t pasta…but pizza! Man, I can barely imagine Bastage eating pizza now.

Ok, so second is Teddy Graham. He makes a joke about how he’s rubbing his belly in the picture. I know you won’t believe me, but my guess for TG’s favorite food? Mac & Cheese. And I fuckin’ nailed it. He just seems like a Mac & Cheese kinda guy. He tells us he still loves it to this day.

Ok, so last up is Gordie…

“That photo was taken 3 months after I lost my virginity.”

Gordie’s favorite food was tomato soup and grilled cheese. Welp, that’d be my favorite, too. Holy crap, I still eat tomato soup and grilled cheese on shitty winter days, and it still makes me super fucking happy. Not to say I don’t eat 3x as much mac & cheese, but it’s not as awesome. To me.

Suzy tells us she really hopes Cammy picked anything except the tomato soup and grilled cheese.

Sorry, Suzy. Better luck next time.

With any luck, this will be the one that sends her home, but if previous challenges have been any indication, the person who seems the least happy with their lot ends up winning.

So the challenge is to make more grown-up, gourmet versions of this dish. Hm. I like to think I’d have a shot at this. But they only get 45 minutes, and that is not a lot of time to make a delicious tomato soup. Gordie reminds them that at the end of the challenge, someone (or someones) is going home.

So the judges start their rounds, and Gordie notices that, yet again, Suzy is overcomplicating things. Sigh. Judging from some of y’all’s commentary, there are a few of you out there who would like to be what bites Suzy in the ass, but here’s hoping it’s the tomato soup.

Suzy tells the judges that she thinks Hooch is finally going home. I love how she still never once thinks maybe she’s the one who is still her by dumb luck.

The judges tell us they’re most concerned about Derrick and Hooch, because they both seem to be making dishes that are just too…simple.

We’re down to 15 minutes, and suddenly Suzy cuts the shit out of herself…so with 15 minutes left, Suzy has to start over on a lot of her food.

So, time runs out, and it’s tasting time. Suzy is called up first. She can’t believe she managed to still finish her dish.

I am literally shitting in my pants right now.

Wait, what? Literally? Suzy, you’ve got to be the world’s dumbest neurological engineer. So Teddy tastes it first, and tells her it’s simple, yet delicious. Bastage and Gordie both love it as well. Adrien starts to get a little chippy to the camera, telling us that he thinks that Suzy’s food came out as good as it did on accident.

So, of course, Adrien is called up next. He made creamy tomato soup with foie gras grilled cheese. Gordie tells him it’s WAY over the top…just way too rich.

Christian is third, and he also made a creamy tomato soup, but didn’t go crazy w/ the foie gras like Adrien. Teddy says the soup is pretty good, but could use more seasoning, but the grilled cheese is a little too dry for his liking…

Just…not…enough…foreplay.

Christian tells us that he thinks the judges are being harder on him than everyone else, because they know he’s going to be a great chef someday.

Fourth is Ben, and he already knows he’s humped. He knew this as time was running out, but didn’t have time to fix it. Gordie and Bastage completely agree with Ben’s fears…that his soup is just nasty.

Fifth up is Tracy, and the mood is somber for sure. Thankfully, Tracy rights the ship…

Sixth is Cammy, and she keeps it steady by putting lobster on her grilled cheese…but then…

7th is Derrick. He tried to flavor his tomato soup with gorgonzola cheese, but he used too much I guess, and it overpowered everything. And his sandwich “looks like it came from a diner.” Ouch.

Alright, last up is Hooch. We FINALLY got to see all of the contestants!!! First time this season! Her soup is too acidic, and her sandwich was just ok…or not even ok, depending on which judge you ask. Suzy takes a moment to make fun of Hooch. Now I hope Hooch sticks around, and hears that shit, and fucking cuts off one of Suzy’s fingers….that’ll be her funny prank.

So, the two best dishes of the competition were…Tracy and Suzy. Hooch can’t believe Suzy got picked.

“I don’t think [Suzy]’s the one to beat. She’s the one I wanna beat up…”

Spoken like a true Hooch.

Gordie announces that there were three dishes at the bottom of the pile. The first one belongs to Hooch. Suzy tells us she’s not surprised that Hooch was one of the three, and that there are a lot of people still here who don’t belong, and she’s hoping they get sent home soon. So, good riddance, Suzy? You stupid fuck, you’ve almost gone home how many times? You’ve still not won a single challenge. Your voice is annoying, your words are more annoying, and apparently your only redeeming quality is that some of the male viewers of this show want to express their hatred of you via their penis. But, then again, that would probably make her far more tolerable. Some people just need to get fucked, and she’s one of them. I probably don’t live too far from her…should I just take one for the team? No…I don’t hate myself that much.

The 2nd dish called up is Deathmetal Derrick. The third and final worst dish belongs to Ben. Aw….

Well, here it is. The moment of truth. I love how they always do this side-shot of the three judges…I just keep waiting for one of them to step forward slightly and burst out in song.

Just a small-town girl….livin’ in a lonely world! She took the midnight train goin’ an-neee-where!!!

Ben is called forward first. Gordie tells him he made some shitty soup, but it just wasn’t shitty enough. Ben retreats to the safety of his station. This does not bode well for Hooch or Deathmetal, especially if my prediction of a 2fer comes through.

So, Gordie announces that the person leaving MasterChef is…Hooch! Well, phrasing it like that doesn’t sound like my prediction is correct. Weird. guess there’s no team challenge tomorrow.

We get another classic stunned face from Suzy, even though this is what she wanted. I think Hooch is a better cook than Suzy, though…but she’s just a little too crazy. I watch Hooch walk back to drop off her apron, sitting on the edge of my seat, just hoping…nay, PRAYING…that she picks up a knife and runs Suzy through. Just because, man…that would be CRAZY. But alas, she leaves without incident. Hooch’s run is over.

And then…

Gordie tells Derrick that the eliminations aren’t through. I mean, it kinda comes out of nowhere, and holy crap. The poor fucker gets the least fanfarific exit ever. It’s just like, “Oh, b-t-dubs, you’re going too. Sorry, I should’ve been clearer. GTFO.” At least Bastage tells him that if he’s ever in NYC, to come to one of the many fine Bastage establishments.

Alright, then…we’ve compensated for the whole not sending anyone home last week, so that’s good. There are only 6 competitors left. What, four remaining episodes? It’s all happened so quickly. Except whenever Suzy feels the need to open her mouth.