MasterChef: F&%kin’ Kids…

Alright, guys…so I’ve been having my own little cooking nightmare this past week, which is why you haven’t had a recap to read in a while. My power went out on Tuesday, and was out for a couple days, and I know you’re thinking “eh, Chicago’s not hot, that’s no big deal,” but I’ll tell ya something…the heat index on Tuesday was over 100. So, yeah. On top of that, no power = no recaps. Sorry. So, here we are.

Starting everything off, we have our team challenge with the pork winners from last week. And, since I know it’s been ages since my last recap, if you can’t remember where the pork challenge left off, well…Alejandra was sent home because she didn’t cook her pork loin thoroughly, and Born Again Christian and Hooch got the nod as team captains. This week, we learn what happens when you back Hooch into a corner. Again. because she’s a wild fuckin’ animal, man.

So, the minichefs start out the episode by getting dropped off in some LA suburban neighborhood.

Uuuugh….with musical guest, Paul McCartney, I presume?

Suzy is first on camera to tell us that she’s done TONS of block parties, and she can definitely barbecue up a storm if that’s what the challenge calls for. At what point will she learn that, no, she can’t do whatever it is that is spewing out of her mouth?

Our 8 remaining minis walk up to the cul-de-sac and wouldn’t ya know it, Gordie, Bastage, and Teddy are all waiting for them…and Teddy is showing off his wicked hoola-hooping skills. Gordie tells them that today, they’ll be serving 200 children. BA Christian swears, Cammy laughs with joy, and Ben tells us that this is the worst nightmare he could imagine.

Not me. Mine would involves spiders. But to each his own.

Maybe something like this…

Of course, truth be told I was actually looking for the scene in the 2nd HP movie where they were in the forbidden forest and then had to run away from all those fucking gigantic spiders. But I’m kind of glad I couldn’t find a picture, because I might have had a mini panic-attack. I still remember seeing that in the theaters. I didn’t handle it so well…you could ask the girl I saw it with.

So, to make it interesting, the challenge is to prepare a slider and side dish for the kiddies, but…no beef, and no potatoes. Wow! So hard! Sigh. They’re fucking kids, make them a turkey burger and smother it in ketchup, they won’t even know the difference.

So, Christian and Hooch line up and pick their teams. Adrian tells the camera he doesn’t want to be on either team, because Christian is Christian, and Hooch is “all over the place, like, emotionally” (read: “Hooch is crazy”). Christian picks him first. Christine takes Tracy because she’s like sweet and mom-like, and she’s pretty enough that all the little boys will love her and all the little girls will want to grow up to be like her. Or something. Christian picks Deathmetal Derrick, and Bastage asks why he’d want the Undertaker on his team when it’s a competition involving kids. Hooch takes Ben, for his strategerizing. Christian takes Cammy because she’s good with kids. I’m trying to figure out what that’s based on…I’m gonna have to go with “tits.” That leaves Suzy, last.

I’m afraid that if I don’t smile, I’ll cry…

Love it.

The loser of this challenge will be facing the most difficult pressure test thus far. Ok, guys…am I wrong in thinking that as we get deeper into the competition, the challenges should get harder each time? So touting every single fucking challenge as the hardest so far…it’s kinda dumb, right? How about, going forward, we just assume that the upcoming challenge is harder than the one we just completed?

Alright, so, the teams get 2 hours to prep, and will serve over an hour.

We start with team blue. Christian won’t listen to any suggestions. He’s decided his menu will be turkey burgers (welp, called that one, didn’t I?) and apple fries with caramel dipping sauce. He won’t let his team put anything in the burger but salt and pepper, and just wants ketchup/cheese/pickles available for condiments. Deathmetal Derrick decides that since BA Christian is the only one on the team with kids, maybe he does truly know best.

Unlike the blue team, the red team is working together. They decide to make chicken nugget sliders with corn fritters for the side. Bastage stops by to be sure Hooch knows that the judges think Christian has better cooks on his team. I wish Hooch had pointed out that kids don’t like the kind of food that’s served in 4-5 star restaurants, with icky mushrooms and peppers. Well, I bet Nazi Max liked those places as a kid, but most kids don’t. They just want simple and delicious.

The judges then stop over to give the blue team a hard time. Bastage can’t believe they’re serving apples to the kids, but apples + caramel…I mean, kids love that shit.

And then Gordie goes back to the red team, and flips his shit when he realizes they’re making a chicken nugget slider. Ben steps up to argue that fucking kids LOVE this kind of food. Gordie differs. He tells Ben that nuggets don’t get served in buns.

I beg to differ, sir.

I wonder what yahoo thought it’d be a good idea to have a “cooking for kids” competition on this show, with Bastage and Gordie acting as moderators. I mean, I’m pretty fucking certain you’d never hear Teddy Graham say “you don’t serve chicken nuggets in buns.” Essentially, nuggets in buns is what made Chic-fil-A the best fast food restaurant fucking ever.

Gordie tells them that they’re serving junk food. Again, it’s a cook out for kids. You took burgers and fries off the menu (which probably count as junk food, no?), so the challenge is to find something that will be great for the kids. KIDS. LOVE. JUNK. FOOD. PERIOD.

Today is not the day for us to revamp the nutritional system for kids in this country.

At least Ben has the balls to not be frazzled by Gordie’s nonsense. He may have borrowed said balls from Hooch, but whatever, it worked. Leave the healthy lunches to Jamie Oliver.

The blue team is basically all standing around wondering how they got stuck with BA Christian as their leader, since he just bowls through all of their suggestions. Apparently, Christian thinks his kid is exactly like every other kid on the planet, since “kids will hate burgers with onions grated into the meat” but “kids like mustard as long as there’s ketchup too.” Though, in truth, I knew a lot of kids that didn’t want onions on their burgers (though grated into the patties, we’d have never known), but I don’t recall anyone who disliked mustard. So…maybe he’s onto something?

And then Christian really fucks shit up. I’m not sure Cammy was doing it right to begin with, but Christian just walks up and, despite her protests, starts stirring the caramel. Now the caramel is grainy. Gordie tells them that rule #1 when making caramel is that you can’t stir it. Christian still somehow is convinced that it wasn’t him that ruined it. This guy is a fucking moron.

Time ticks down, and suddenly…

Ok, maybe I was wrong. This might be worse than spiders…

Gordie tells the kids that if they don’t like the food, they can spit it out or throw it at the chefs or do whatever they want. As with every challenge, a team falls behind on production. This time, it’s the red team. And TG gets the kids all riled up and chanting “we want burgers” for like 20 straight minutes. I’m about to find this neighborhood and go on a kid-punting spree. The red team finally gets their shit together, and the kids seem to think it was worth the wait. Whew, crisis averted. So all the judges run around asking the kids which food they preferred, and the answers are pretty split, but let’s be real, there’s no way the nugget slider doesn’t win. They keep showing kids eating the food…and then they slip this one girl in there that’s like the poster-child for childhood obesity.

I’m expecting something like “for the cost of a cup of coffee a day, you can help prevent little Sarah from getting type-II diabetes by the time she’s 12.”

Seeing kids like this is like seeing dogs left in cars at the mall – it breaks your heart, and makes you want to smash a window.

So, everyone has been fed, and now it’s time to vote. BUT NOT BEFORE SOME MORE PRODUCT PLACEMENT!!! I mean, seriously, this show is rivaling a Michael Bay summer blockbuster with its embarrassing product placement. It’s like in transformers when the Mountain Dew vending machine turns into a transformer and starts shooting Mountain Dew cans at innocent civilians for no good reason except to land the studio a bunch of money from Pepsi.

This time they’re giving away their kids line of MasterChef products! THAT’S why we had a kid challenge! Oh, Fox, you’re so transparent!

Now, if these things turned into little transformers and started kicking the kids everywhere, this show would suddenly get AWESOME!

Alright, so, the kids are all bunched up, and no one knows where those cooking kits went. Gordie tells the kids to go stand inside the chalk circle of their favorite burgers. The kids do as they’re told, and a clear majority ends up in the red team’s circle!

Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is “Never get involved in a land war in Asia,” but only slightly less well known is this: “Never go in against Hooch when death is on the line!

So, the next day, back in the MasterChef kitchen, Gordie tells our contestant that the red team won 2:1. Ouch. Gordie sends the red team upstairs. He then asks Christian why his team lost. He says it’s because kids are tough to please, and they missed. The judges call him out on not listening to his teammates at all. He says he was captain, so he took charge of his team. Gordie asks Cammy what she thought. She says Christian was a horrible captain.

Gordie then asks Christian who the two weakest team members are. He says him, because he was the captain, and Cammy, because he fucked up her caramel sauce. Or something. Gordie asks them if they want to go head-to-head. They both say hell yes. Gordie asks YoAdrien and Deathmetal Derrick who they’d bet on…they both say Christian. Gordie tells Cammy and Christian that they’ll be facing the pressure test. Derrick and Adrien suppress grins. Gordie then says that Derrick and Adrien also have to partake…

Oh, c’mon…Dick move, man. Dick move.

The challenge this time is a cheese soufflé. Now I’m sad this wasn’t a one-on-one. Remember what happened last year with the smug, arrogant fuckbag vs the underdog girl in the souffle cookoff? Well, do you think this will be the end of Christian’s line, as it was for Sharone?

So, the contestants get 90 minutes to make their cheese souffle. Bastage starts making his rounds, and his first stop is Cammy. He asks her who’s going home, and she says Christian, because he’s arrogant and because he’s a liar. Sorry, hon…I think you’ve got your shows mixed up. See, this is “MasterChef,” not “Who’s Going to Heaven?”

Teddy asks YoAdrien if he can feel the negative energy in the room. He says “no,” because he’s just trying to make his gorram souffle. Derrick tells Gordie he thinks Christian is in trouble because he’s in a bad mood. He hopes that Christian goes home, because he’s the big competition.

We get a ton more back and forth between Cammy and Christian, and I swear every time they push this angle it makes me more and more certain that these two screwed off-camera early in the show, and something went horribly wrong. Like, ya know…herpes.

So, as the judges predicted, Christian serves up his first souffle, even though he has more than enough time to taste and try again. All the judges take a taste, but none say anything.

Your silence pierces me…

Deathmetal Derrick sticks his 2nd batch in the oven with just under 20 minutes to go. Cutting it close, but there should be enough time, still. And then Adrien finishes his first batch, and decides “what the hell, Christian already broke the ice,” and so he brings his up. Again, tasting, but no commentary. Now we have two nervous contestants.

Then Cammy finishes her first batch, and says she’s bringing it up because she has a good feeling about it, but at this point she doesn’t have time for a second batch anyways, so she’s just spouting nonsense to make her not look like she maybe fucked up. She brings hers up, and yet again, 0 commentary from the judges…

Deathmetal Derrick is in the back wondering how he’s the last one, when he was so far ahead of the game. He’s watching his souffles cook, and the judges are telling him to hurry up. Somehow he’s in the last minute. I’m not sure how, when he put it in with 20 minutes left, and these things take 14-17 minutes, but whatever. So he’s watching, and it looks like he may end up as this year’s Sharone, except no one hates him. So with 20 seconds left he yanks the shit out of the oven and runs up to serve as time expires. The judges taste his, and AGAIN no real commentary. Ugh.

The judges get together to decide who is going home…they whisper about it mere feet fro the contestants.

Ready…BREAK!

So, as they always do, they call out one person at a time. First called is Cammy. She did great, and she’s still alive. Second called is Derrick. Derrick is convinced he’s done for, probably because of the sad piano music that starts playing when his name is called. Anyways, the judges tell him he did a good job, making a second batch, and he’s off to the balcony. Just BA Christian and YoAdrien remain. Christian can’t believe it. Adrien is called third. Everyone on the balcony is praying for Adrien to be safe so Christian goes home. Gordie tells him to get his ass upstairs, he’s safe. THE CROWD GOES WILD! Ok, they don’t. I guess in an attempt to not be colossal assholes, they do their best to restrain their euphoria. No one can believe it!

Sad music starts playing. Gordie then tells him that his souffle was also delicious, and he can go upstairs, too! WHAT THE FUCK!!!! WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?!? All four souffles were too good to send anyone home! No one can believe it. I call shenanigans!!

And I guess we’ll have to start calling him Born Again, Again Christian.