MasterChef: Kitchen Nightmares

Alright kids, so here we are again. How much longer will the suspense last?!? Are we really going to have to suffer through Christian, or worse…Suzy!!, winning MasterChef?!?? Well, if the results of this week are any indication…it’s likely. I lost 2 of the 3  didn’t hate. We went from 6 to 4 this week, and there’s only one good one left. And one meh one, I guess. Guess who’s prematurely recapitulating? That’d be this guy. So….

This week, the minis partake in another team challenge. This time, they’re fully taking over the kitchen at LA’s famed Patina restaurant. Well, they say it’s famed. I don’t live in LA, and honestly I’m just not that in touch with the incredibly overpriced fancy food scene.

It costs HOW MUCH?!?!?

Yeah, that’s pretty much me any time someone asks me to buy them dinner at a restaurant more expensive than…well….Red Lobster. I’m KIDDING. Only kind of. I mean, I’m cool with springing for Outback every now and then.

So immediately, Ben is freaked fucking out. Like ZOMG they want us to run the kitchen at Patina? I mean, I guess as a food freak, you’d probably know Patina. Or maybe. Or not at all. I mean, it seems to be a big-ish deal, but it’s probably only because it’s in LA. Because USA has like 6 or so of the top 50 restaurants in the world, and I don’t see this one on that list. Or the 51-100 list. I know these things, because if I’m not eating at Olive Garden I’m right down the street from my house at Alinea. So I…no, I’m not even going to pretend I know what I’m talking about. I’m sure Patina is a very lovely restaurant.

So, of course, if you’ve been paying attention…this is a team challenge. Tracy tells us her two teams have both been victorious, so she has discovered the secret. It’s picking a team that gets along well! Hm, weird. I kind of figured it’d be picking the people best suited for the challenge. I guess maybe she’s gotten lucky in the past. Suzy, on the other hand, has never been a team captain.

Tracy picks first, and takes YoAdrien. Strong pick. Suzy follows by taking Ben. Even BEN is befuddled by this. I mean, seriously, everyone there is thinking “Christian fell to the second overall pick, and you took BEN?!?” Suzy is kind of a fucking idiot, though. So then Tracy picks, and takes Cammy, and the air is sucked out of the room. Christian is the last pick. By default, he ends up on Suzy’s team. She tells us that’s great, because she was planning on taking him next, anyways. I mean, it’s like she doesn’t understand how this works. “I’m really happy I got him with the last pick, because I was planning on using my LAST PICK on him.” What?!?

She then proceeds to tell us that Tracy is a moron who picked the worst two. Firstly, no, Adrien is better than Ben. Secondly, you stupid cunt, you didn’t pick Christian. You picked drama queen Ben for the highest stakes challenge yet. Like a fucking dumbass, and ended up with Christian by luck.

Can you honestly look at this picture and not want to punch her in the face. Pre- or post-coitus, I don’t care.

I don’t care what some of you are saying. No amount of desperation or alcohol would lead to sexy times with Suzy. I’d be too worried I’d end up throwing her off my balcony and CSI would catch my ass. Then you’d have no one to write these recaps. Be glad for my self control. Be very…meh, ok, PRETEND to be glad. That’s all I really need.

Graham tells them this is culinary warfare, and that they’re In the Army Now.

I’ve seen lots of camel toes before, but never on a camel!

Suzy tells us she’s nervous, but can’t freak out in front of her sous chefs. Comments like this are why I’d really like to strike her in the face with a large blunt object. Like the hammer….

These…are not the hammer…………..the hammer is my penis.

So our minis head into the kitchen and meet the real chefs of Patina. The real deals show them how to make each of the two appetizers and each of the two entrees that they’ll be responsible for tonight. Our minis stare on like deer in headlights.

So the teams split off to their sides of the kitchen, and the guests start filing into the restaurant. We learn that these are regulars, who I’m sure were invited back for a half-priced meal for this competition or some bullshit, which is why I’m really sick of hearing Suzy worry that her and her assistants are maybe going to ruin the reputation of Patina. Like the restaurant didn’t tell all the people here tonight that it’s gorram amateur hour in the kitchen. Fuck. This is MasterChef. You can cook better than me, sure, but you’re still fucking fresh meat. No one in that restaurant gives a fuck what their food tastes like tonight, so SHUT UP.

So the dining room is full, and Gordie is gonna be calling orders tonight. Or would be, but Ben and Suzy are gone in the walk-in together. Christian tells us that both Ben and Suzy are to of the “slower ducks in the pond.” I think he’s probably right. Gordie tells Suzy that she has to control Ben.

Gordie gets the first order in, and the Blue team apparently hasn’t worked at a Waffle House before, because they’re falling all over themselves trying to repeat it.

What part of &(^@#(*()*$ &*(%)%*# (&^(#* ^#@$(*# @(^@#(%&^%(#@ $(#@^$#(*@$^ do you not understand?!?

So, understandably, both teams are having a bit of trouble with Gordie’s shouted orders. Not because he talks funny, nor because he swears so much…just because this is new to them. And probably because I can’t keep track of what he’s asking for, and all I’m doing is laying on my couch with a beer and thinking of (not-so) witty things to say about this show.

Ben is having the worst time of it. He tells us it’s like he was just dropped on some strange planet and everyone is speaking a different language and acting differently. Maybe like most places that aren’t America on this planet?

This is why you can’t hire a travel writer from Dallas. Because where do you think he travels to? Houston? Austin? Waco? El Paso? Maybe, if he’s feeling really adventurous…Lubbock?

So Teddy tells Suzy that Ben is fucked. I mean, proper fucked. The red team is disastrously behind. There are customers out there that are tired of waiting for their food. Already. And the night is young. Suzy is worried that some people might walk out, and that would seriously ruin the reputation of Patina.

No…no it fucking wouldn’t. Because, as I’ve already told you, no one fucking cares. They’re grumpy because the grumpy light behind the camera was backlit. Also, are Michelin Stars actually given by the same company that makes tires? Because that’d be like if the Cy Young was named the Gordon Ramsay. “And the Gordon Ramsay best pitcher in the NL this year is…” Seems weird to me is all.

Ben is not handling this well. None of the minis really know wtf is going on right now, but the blue team is doing a bit better right now. It honestly seems like only Christian realizes that this is the real world for a real MasterChef. And just when the blue team is running away with it, a dish comes back with one of Adrien’s hairs on it. Wuh oh. And then a filet is cooked “well done,” but…well…a little TOO well done.

“When I order Ric-…Risotto at a res-…a fine restaurant like this, i d-…expect it DONE.” Speaking of “done.” Someone should show this gentleman to a cab.

And when both teams are finally rolling along…the owner and executive chef put in an order. Both teams prepare dishes for them, and things are a bit even. But not THAT even. Overall, it seems like the owner and exec chef liked the red team better. Gordie & Co tell our minis that they’re very proud of their work, and the winner is…

…going to have to wait for the next day!

So the minis go home and sleep. Christian tells us he’s pretty sure his team won, and Suzy and Ben were lucky to have him. This time, I have to agree that he’s probably right. Additionally, Ben tells us that if his team lost, it’s on him. Again, a correct statement. And, to 0 surprise, Suzy may as well not have been there.

So, the winner of the challenge goes to…..the Red team! Which leaves Tracy, Cammy, and YoAdrien to the pressure test. And the pressure test today….

Fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu

That’s right, that’s a salmon. Just sitting on the board. The challenge is to scale, fillet, and portion the salmon, with a minimum of 10 portions, and 1 portion is to be cooked and presented. Because the minis may have never done this before, Gordie demonstrates. Watching this is honestly mind-blowing. I hope you all saw this. I’ve seen some shit that impressed me on this show, but I’ve honestly never laughed in my living room out of sheer lack of any other response. Thanks to the commenter on the minicap that brought the following tidbit:  according to Ben Star’s blog, this took Gordie about 2 minutes from start to finish.

There is no conceivable way to put letters together to express how absurdly impressive this was.

Our minichefs get 45 minutes to do the same thing, and to cook one portion (which should take less than 10 minutes). So basically they get 35 minutes to do what Gordie did in fucking 2. And I couldn’t do in 2 hours.

I think in 2 minutes I could maybe unpackage the salmon I’d bought at Whole Foods.

So the minis get back to their stations, still trying to wrap their minds around what the shit they just witnessed. The judges stay back and tell us that Cammy looks like she knows what she’s doing, and Tracy looks like she has no idea. Suzy tells us that this fish literally gave it’s life for this challenge, and for it to go out the way Tracy’s is is a travesty.

I…

Guys, I think I need to stop recapping this show. I know it’s obvious I can’t stand her, but I don’t think I can convey what listening to Suzy is doing to me. She makes me hate humanity. She makes me wish that Dec 22, 2012 will actually be the end of days, and that it will somehow come much, much sooner. She makes me want to be left behind to die by John Cusack. She brings out the worst in me. I’m really a very nice guy. People don’t describe me as mean or ill-spirited. They describe me as “nice,” and “harmless,” and “sweet,” and in writing this I’m starting to see a pattern that may well describe why I’m not getting laid.

So with 15 minutes gone, Adrien is still scaling his fish. The peanut gallery is especially advice-ful this week.

Cammy is the first to get her fillets off the fish.

Fatality! Flawless Victory!

Christian, sitting up top, can’t believe how bad some of these guys are doing. He’s been doing this his whole life, so I’m glad to hear he could knock the socks off these guys.

With 10 minutes left, none of the contestants have their salmon in the pan. Tracy is the last one to get hers in the pan, and she only does it with about five minutes. The countdown cometh, and everyone exhales heavily as time ends. Whew! What a challenge! I wish I could afford a giant salmon to try this on. I mean, I know I’d fail at it. I’d strike out like a band kid at a cheerleading convention. But for some reason I want to try. And then I want Gordie to come over and salvage it so I could eat delicious fresh salmon for a week.

So our minis bring their tray of portions to the front, as well as their cooked piece of salmon. Cammy is first. Her portions look pretty good, but there are a couple of scales…and her piece is undercooked. Second up is Adrien. His portions aren’t so pretty, and he overcooked his fish. Lastly is Tracy, and she’s lucky enough to have fish-master Ramsay as her judge. Yikes. He can’t believe she didn’t get the tail off the fish. And then she also undercooked the hell out her salmon.

So the judges confer, and then Gordie tells everyone that it’s a very tough choice. He asks the three minis to get their skeletons out of their closets and put them on display.  Tracy tells us that she knows exactly what’s going to happen.

Jennifer is called up first, and she’s sent up to safety. Tracy is called next, and Gordie tells her she’s been amazing, and she starts to cry, because she knows. And the music stops playing, just so you can hear her sob. Man, if I had a heart, this would be gut-wrenching. But I liked Tracy…so this is actually a little sad. As cheesy as this show is, and man is it cheesy, it is kind of neat to watch people really realize something they’re so into, right? Or am I just a huge sap? Well, bye-bye, Tracy. You were one of the good guys.

I cloooooooose myyyyyy eyeeeeessssss…
Only for a moment, and the moment’s gone…..