MasterChef: L4yer Cak3

This week on Masterchef was the team challenge to go along with last week’s What’s in the Fuckin’ Box challenge. We’ve got to get back to an odd number of players before the two-a-weeks start anew. I do wonder how many more rounds of this style of play there will be.

So, team challenge. I know you’re all excited. I sure am. This week, what’s it gonna be? Well, a hollywood party. Yikes! Sounds demanding. The Disembodied Male Voice reminds us that the losing team will face a pressure test, and someone’s going home. Again. In case we’d forgotten how this whole competition works.

So, the minichefs show up at the London West Hollywood, which in the next couple of hours will turn into the site of an “amazing” and “stunning,” no doubt, Hollywood party. Our minis have to provide the food. Holy. Crap. Gordie lets them know that the hotel they’re at is the location of his LA restaurant. But I’m sure they already kne-e-e-e-ew that…that’s what he loves about them…their attention to detail…

…except this one. No level of attention to detail could make anyone love her.

Seriously, those of you who don’t like me hating on Suzy hardcore, just stop reading now. She goes overboard this week, and I don’t expect that I’ll be polite about it.

Anyways Gordie tells the minis that they’ll be preparing 3 courses (veggie, beef, dessert), and they’ll be using his Michelin Star kitchen to do it. Everyone gets a little turned on by this. So, Ben and Born Again Christian are the captains (isn’t this his second captainship?), and here we go again.

First on camera to share her opinions of the two captains? You guessed it!

She really wants to be on Ben’s team…BA Christian is apparently just too aggressive in the kitchen for her.

Suzy, guess what? No one cares. Also, I can’t see Ben as a good team leader. I just can’t. The guy is the dramatic flair for this season…I mean, Hooch is crazy, but you can’t spell Drama without B-E-N.

Ben picks Suzy with his first pick. Gag me with a spoon. The three judges make a big deal of her finally getting picked first. Probably because they know that she’s more of a Ryan Leaf than an Adrian Petersen. She tells us that the fact that Ben chose her first shows that she’s “one of the top dogs in MasterChef.” Remove the context of “Masterchef,” and the whole “top” thing, and yes, Suzy. One of the dogs.

I mean, because this guy thinks you’re great, you just believe it’s so? Way to go, Indiana Jones…that’s a pretty major leap of faith.

The teams shake out like this. Ben takes Suzy, Tracy, Cammy, MichRod, and Hooch…which leaves Christian with Derek, Alejandra, YoAdrien, It’s-a Me Mario, and Errrrryn. Bastage says the blue team is an “all-girl team.” Ben halfheartedly fights that delegation, but deep down he knows it’s not too far off.

Errrryn tells the camera that he is totally cool with being picked last, but he doesn’t get it, because he’s 2-0. But let’s be real, even the Yankees or the BoSox have at least one talentless, do-nothing hack that gets a World Series ring just for riding the pine. Errrrryn always seems to be standing by himself in the corner while the competition is going on arrrrrround him.

Gordie says this looks like Charlie’s Angels, but I don’t remember either incarnation of Charlie’s Angels having an annoying Indian bitch.

Christian tells us that he knew Ben would probably pick all the ladies, and he’s cool with that because while he likes the ladies, they’re more dramatic than guys, and drama is bad in these situations.

Of course, that whole “I told [Cammy] that I think she’s a bitch” thing…that’s not causing drama, is it? Noooooooooo…..

Gordie tells them they have 90 minutes to prepare their food, and then it’s time to

P-A-R-T…..Y? BECAUSE I GOTTA!!!

Their hour and a half starts…NOW! But wait, they’re still on the roof, and the kitchen is downstairs! RUUUUN!!!! GET TO THA CHOPPPPAAAAAHHH!!!

They get to the kitchen, and Ben lets people choose what courses to make. Suzy decides to do the veggies by making a gazpacho, Hooch is in charge of the beef, with an open-faced beef wellington, and MichRod is doing chocolate profiteroles. Ben tells his team that he’s their bitch. I feel like this is a role he’s pretty used to.

Christian starts dictating to the red team what their courses will be. He assigned YoAdrien to make gazpacho (since that’s what he seems to do best), Deathmetal Derrick to do beef tartare (hold the tartare sauce), but apparently he’s never made beef tartare, and he thinks this might be a bit risky. BA Christian will hear none of it. For the dessert, It’s-a Me is doing profiteroles. Weird. Two of three courses are the same between the teams.

Gordie calls the captains over to go over their menus. Ben isn’t exactly quick to get over there, so BA Christian yells at him to hurry the fuck up.

“If Gordon can yell in the kitchen, I feel like I can yell in the kitchen, too.”

Huh? One of you is a world-renowned chef. The other is a punk-ass failure trying not to fuck up his second chance. Christian, I know you’re in the last 12, but you aren’t MasterChef yet. Get over it.

Gordie asks about their menus, and the judges seem to be a bit…unhappy…with the fact that the two teams seem to have very similar menus. He tells them to have the balls to make a change. Neither of them do…at first…

Suzy learns that YoAdrien is doing gazpacho on the other team, but he’s doing a layered gazpacho…she seems to realize she might be humped.

For dessert, It’s-a Me, Mario abandons the profiteroles because, without a scale, he wasn’t up to the challenge. He’s switched to a fruit tart. MichRod’s first batch didn’t work  so well either…nor is her second…but we all know that Michelle Rodriguez always dies a hero, not caving in the face of insurmountable odds. Will MichRod follow suit?

Gordie expresses concerns that she doesn’t have enough time. She doesn’t listen. So far, so good.

All the beautiful Hollywood people are arriving.

With only 30 minutes left, things are starting to get all sorts of tense. MichRod STILL can’t get the pastry to work, but It’s-A Me Mario’s fruit tarts are turning out great. The open-faced beef wellingtons have too much pastry, but then gain, Bastage thinks that the raw-beef approach of the tartare is a bit too risky.

Now MichRod finally gets the profiterole pastry right, but the chocolate mousse filling is broken. With 6 minutes left, team Ben has to scrap profiteroles and decides to make a fruit salad shooter. Gordie tells them it’s the worst dish he’s seen in the history of MasterChef, and also the worst dish that’s ever left his kitchen.

So, it’s time to take the food to the party. The first food out is the veggie course. Gazpacho vs Gazpacho. Suzy talks (at length) about how much sexier her gazpacho is than YoAdrien’s. You’ll see why this is funny in a bit.

The beef course seems a to be leaning towards BA Christian’s team. The open-faced beef wellington is just a bit too big to be eaten in one bite.

The fruit shooters vs Mario’s tarts seemed surprisingly close.

What…the…fuck?

I guess the fact that the guests don’t realize that this dessert was literally thrown together in 5 minutes due to bad planning and poor execution on the previous dessert helps.

Back in the kitchen, the red team seems to be a bit more confident than the blue, though Ben tells us that he’s really proud of his team, because each of them performed “flawlessly.” I do not think it means what you think it means…”flawless” would’ve meant getting the profiteroles done on the first try.

So, the party ends, everyone goes home, or wherever beautiful LA people go after parties (after-parties?), and it’s time for the results.

First, the veggie course. With 64% of the votes…the winner is…YoAdrien and the red team!

In your stupid-looking face!!

The beef course was decided by a bit of a wider margin. Literally 100%-0%. You would NOT want to be on the losing side of that. And the winner is…the blue team! Stunning! We’re tied! Hooch fuckin’ nailed it, and Deathmetal Derrick is sad. But you don’t really ever want to back Hooch into a corner, because she’s a wild animal.

So, of course…the tiebreaker. Amazingly, the dessert was 53-47%. How was it that close? Who knows. But the red team is the winner. It’s-a Me is glad that he finally made up for his pizza failure a few weeks ago. Suzy immediately tells everyone that it’s MichRod’s fault.  Apparently she’s forgotten the fact that she lost 64-36% in the veggie course. I mean, that’s a pretty good spanking, Suzy. That’s almost 2:1.

Here’s the other thing I don’t get. The blue team lost, but they got more votes in total. I mean, a lot more. If this party had, for the sake of easy math, 100 people (and thus 300 votes), the final tally would’ve been 183 votes for blue, to 117 votes for red. I mean, not even close, really. To me, that means the blue team was more consistently liked, but whatever.

So, the next day is a pressure test. Our blue team arrives in their ominous black elimination test aprons. The red team goes up to the gallery to watch. Errrryn is super happy that he is now 3-0.

Don’t they all look happy to be here?

Today’s pressure test is…layer cakes! And not just like a 2 or 3 stacker, either. These cakes must be a minimum of SIX layers!!! They get two hours, and they’re off to the races!

The judges run around talking to all the minis about what kind of 6-layer cake they’re making. They also start asking around about who’s the weakest in this competition…and the consensus seems to be that Tracy isn’t so great with desserts. That even came from her own mouth. At the halfway point, everyone seems to be moving along nicely, but the judges have some concerns. Ben’s cake may be too heavy. MichRod is a bit late on whipping her frosting. Oh, and then Tracy, who everyone thought was the weakest link…she forgot to construct her cake on top of any kind of a base that would help her move it.

This would be frowned upon in a competition…oh, wait…

This isn’t looking so good, which is making me sad, because there aren’t a lot of likeable candidates left, and while she’ll never be Whit 2.0, I was starting to kind of like Tracy.

So the countdown hits, and people suddenly build and ice their cakes in the final 10 seconds. I mean, seriously FOX. I know you want drama and tension at the end of these challenges, but when MichRod only has 3 layers built with 10 seconds left and actually finishes her cake…I don’t think even the power of the tank-top could do that…

And, damn, Hooch is crazy.

Now, it’s time for tasting. Up first is Ben. Ben is crying, but they’re tears of joy. He’s very moved by the chance to present them something that is so “him.” Gordon cuts into it, and needs a change of shorts before even taking a bite. Thankfully, the taste lives up to the presentation, and I’m pretty sure Ben is safe from elimination. There’s happy piano music going in the background just so we get how cool this experience is for Mr Ben. Teddy claims his mouth just had an orgasm (which is better than his “orgasm in my mouth” lines from last year, which were a bit…sticky…). He goes back to his station, and everyone hugs him.

Suzy is second. She takes a moment to tell us how amazing she is. Amazing is her favorite word. She uses it to describe everything she does.

Suzy, you’re an amazing cunt.

Agh, I’m saying it again! I hate using that word, but it just rolls off the tongue so easily when it’s directed at her. Also, “rolls off the tongue” may not be the best expression to use when referring to that word, huh?

And then the judges try her cake. TG makes a joke about needing a chisel because of the “pecan crust” around the outside. Bastage tells her it looks like mold growing up the side of a tree, and proceeds to tell her the crust is gross.

“I literally got served a big piece of humble pie.”

More like “humble cake,” amirite? Also…literally. I wish someone would literally serve Suzy a punch in her stupid face.

She tells the camera that she’s realizing…just now…that “there are possibly people in this competition that could be, like, waaaay better than me.” Probably so, Suzy.

Tracy is third. Bastage tells her that he notices two things right off the bat. First, the cake is shaped funny. That’s probably because she had to pick it up and move it with her hands. The second thing he noticed is the frown on her face. If he was going somewhere with that…well, he abandons ship and just cuts into the cake. And it’s good, so she’s probably safe too! Whew!

Cammy is fourth, and her cake is a B-A-N-A-N-A split cake. Gordie tells her it looks fucking amazing. And then tastes it, and there’s happy music already playing so you know he’s going to like it, and he does.

Fifth is MichRod. Her cake is too sweet, and Gordie tells her it looks like it was put together in a panic. Well, remember how she’d only built 3 layers with ten seconds left?? I know, not really, but still. I’m pretty sure it looks that way because it was put together in a panic.

I’m noticing two things. First, her tank-top is hidden, and that’s never a plus. Second, she looks like she’s fucked.

Hooch is sixth. She presents her cake to Bastage, and he calls it boring. Gordie starts asking her questions about it, and the crazy fountains kick in.

She really should bottle those tears and sell them to Charlie Sheen. Hooch tears have got to be more potent than even Tiger Blood.

Have the Charlie Sheen jokes run their course? With the internet these days, it’s hard for things to stay “in” for very long. I mean, it’s not like I made a Rebecca Black joke. Well, except right there. When you’re making jokes about how making jokes about making jokes about something is played out…man, you know you’ve lost control. I don’t care how meta it is…you’ve lost control. I’m spiraling downward. Someone get me 10 Ks of cocaine and a gaggle of prostitutes, stat!

So, that was all 6. Suzy is still talking. She’s disappointed in herself. Gordie calls them all up front. He then sends Ben, Tracy, and Cammy upstairs to watch the elimination. What really kills me about this elimination is this:

Suzy spends the final 5 minutes of the episode locked in this exact expression.

She says “Oh my God” more than anyone has in the throws of the best sex they’ve ever had, but she does it in an “I can’t believe someone will be eliminated” kind of way. Gordie asks Hooch to step forward. He tells her that they’re proud of her, and that her dad and son are proud of her, and that he’s sorry…

COMMERCIAL!!

Fuck you commercial break! Gordie tells her that he’s sorry…because she’s not going to go home yet!

Suzy and MichRod are all that’s left, and Gordie takes this opportunity to scold Suzy like she’s a dog that just peed on the carpet. I mean, he literally shits in her mouth, just like she literally was served humble pie. And by that, of course, I mean he figuratively shits in her mouth. But I wish I meant literally. Regardless, it’s fantastic.

No. Caption. Needed.

He tells her that she never listens to them when they tell her she does too much to show off. She’s seriously like Sharone 2.0 squared. We can rebuild him, bigger, faster, stronger.

And I fucking hate that the camera spends the entire time during the elimination focusing on Suzy. Gordie tells MichRod to step forward, and Suzy fights back vomit/tears. Gordie tells MichRod to take her apron off…that her time is done.

RIP, Tank-top. You will be missed.

I may have been the only one watching this show that didn’t hate MichRod, but I don’t care. She takes this on the chin well, expresses her gratitude for the opportunity, and walks out.

Gordie uses this opportunity to take another shit in Suzy’s mouth. Regardless, he tells her to take what she’s learned, and take her apron, upstairs. She’s not done yet. And there’s this mega dramatic low-brassy music in the background, and I feel like Anakin Skywalker has died, and Darth Vader has been born. I have this horrible feeling that Suzy is going to win it all.

Welp, back to two-a-weeks next week. Are you ready?