MasterChef: Making Love, Actually

Well, here we go again. Back to the two episodes a week format. Because one hour of this shit-show every seven days just isn’t enough, apparently. Along the lines of things we can’t get enough of…inter-competition rivalries. Right? And since Nazi Max is gone, Suzy has no one to be a rival to. And MichRod is gone, so Hooch doesn’t have an obvious target. So, we’re back to Born Again Christian and Cammy, apparently. You know, it’s not that great a rivalry when they have to dedicate the first minute or two of the actual show to reminding you that, for some reason these two do not like each other.  My theory? They slept together, he ignored her the next day, and she told everyone he had a small penis and only one testicle.

Anyways, the minis all line into the MasterChef kitchen, and yet again there’s a mystery box sitting on their station. This is probably the next-to-last mystery box, since they are starting to get kind of low on contestants, but I don’t think you guys come here for my prognostications. Anyways, there’s the mystery box on each station, but then we learn that apparently mystery boxes come in a few sizes…wee, not-so-wee, and

Frickin’ HUUUUUUGE!!!!

Alright, so…more than ever, imaginations run wild. As long as they keep that box closed,  it could contain anything. It’s like Schrodinger’s Cat. Deathmetal Derrick, not surprisingly, notes that the box is large enough to contain a body. So, to start out, the minis lift their boxes…

Not that anyone cares what’s in the wee box…

C’MON GUYS, THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING MEEEE!!!!!

WHAT’S IN THE FUCKIN’ BOX?!?!?!?

Gordie invites everyone up front for the unveiling. They open the box, and inside are lobsters! HUGE FUCKING LOBSTERS! Everyone is stunned (this is a good time to use the word, Gordie…take note) by their size. I mean, geez. Ben is especially stunned…

“Where did they get these things? From a freakin’ time machine from the crustacean era?”

Nice try, Ben. I won’t lie, that got a good laugh out of me. The crustacean era.

Also, gigantic lobsters make me think of two things. The first are the creatures in The that removed a pair of Roland Deschain’s fingers…Did-a-chick, dum-a-chum. No one has read The Dark Tower? Geez. Well, if you thought THAT was an obscure reference…try this one for size. Feel free to skip to the pertinent part (2:44); I’ll understand if you don’t want to watch an entire Japanese music video…but it’s a pretty catchy fucking song. Also, I recognize that it’s a crawfish, not a lobster, but it’s close enough, and when else would I have an opportunity to use this?

So, of course, BA Christian is all like “I’m from mutha fuckin’ Mass, y’all!” or something, and makes sure we remember that he gets to cook lobster all the time at home. He tells us, again, that he’s clearly the frontrunner.

So, our minis get 75 minutes to make a sumptuous lobster dish. Teddy tells them to BE RESPECTFUL of the lobster.

You guys remember Slim Shitty drawing and quartering her live crab last year, right?

I find it pretty hilarious that they stress this so much, but after Slim ripped that poor live crab limb-from-limb, I get it.

Anyways, this shit gets going. The judges talk about how hard it is to cook a 4lb lobster, and all I can think is how expensive a 4lb lobster must be. Geez. Our judges do what they always do and talk about what they’d do with the ingredients. Gordie is set on making a curry, it seems. So are a few of our contestants.

Bastage walks up to BA Christian and asks him if he thinks he’s clearly the frontrunner. Christian does a bad job of dodging the question, and everyone in the room basically knows he’s certain he’s going to win the lobster cookoff.

Suzy tells us that Christian’s arrogance and lack of respect is getting to everyone in the kitchen. Suzy…YOU’RE getting to everyone that’s forced to listen to your stupid commentary.

Meanwhile, we get to watch all these minichefs cooking stunning, amazing, gigantic lobster.

I want to go to there…

Things are going pretty smoothly for a bit, and then suddenly the wheels come off the Pope-mobile for BA Christian. First, he breaks his food processor, or “mixer thingy,” and spends the next minute or two standing around cursing. I was gonna say “that’s the kind of thing dads do,” but then remembered that he has a kid. So I guess he’s got that part of being a dad down. THEN he manages to spill his lobster stock all over the ground. Christian is now in a really grumpy mood, and is cooking angry. He’s slamming shit all over the place and cursing, and everyone in the kitchen hates him for it because they’re still trying to cook their 4lb lobster. Apparently he managed to ruin his pasta in the process, because he starts screaming and crying for more pasta. Hooch, for some reason, gives him pasta. I don’t understand this camaraderie. There are 11 of you left…act like it!!

We’re in the last minute, and of course now everyone is just putting everything together. Scramble, scramble, scramble, and then…

SPIRIT FINGERS!!!

Christian tells us that despite everything that went wrong, he knows he’s in the top 3.

The first name called is Deathmetal Derek. He’s so excited that he takes off running to the front, prompting Gordie to tell him to slow the hell down and not drop it. All three judges love his lobster.

Next up is Alejandra. She made a thai-style red curry lobster, which looks insanely good. The judges all love the hell out of it. Of course, if memory serves, every time she’s in the top 3 in the box challenge, she has a terrible follow-up dish. We’ll see if that happens again.

Apparently there were no tragically bad dishes this time, because they don’t announce the worst dish of the round. Instead, TG asks everyone to consider whether they think their dish should be the last of the top three. Christian says he does. Teddy tells him that it’s NOT him. LOL. The final dish belongs to Cammy. Christian can’t believe it. OOOOOH, now I understand why they rebuilt the rivalry. So we understand why he’s mad! So, while TG is telling her why her dish is great, Christian decides he’s just going to EAT his.

And this prompts my favorite moment in MasterChef history. Thus far. Except for Whitney winning. Bastage brings the fucking pain.

“Why don’t you have the same respect for these people that they do for you? Put the silverware down, and behave like you belong in this kitchen, and show these people the same respect they show you. Because if not, I’m gonna personally come over there and throw you outta here. You’ve shown no respect, and I’m not gonna deal with it.”

Boom. Bastage’d. The only thing that would’ve made it better is if Bastage had taken his belt off to add to the threat.

Anyways, Cammy nailed it. And by that, I mean she won the round. Which means she gets the HUGE advantage in the elimination round.

Christian takes the opportunity to pull a Suzy and tell us that the judges got this wrong…that HIS dish was better than Cammy’s. Obviously, Christian.

You stupid shit.

So, Cammy’s advantage, which Gordie describes as “unique,” is that she gets to pick the main ingredient of the next challenge. Riiiight. “Unique.” I do not think it means what you think it means.

The theme of this challenge is aphrodisiacs.

…looks like someone started early…

So, her choices are, of course…oysters, duh. Artichoke is next. Wait, artichoke? Really? I’ve been doing it wrong, huh? Because nothing screams “sexy time!” like an artichoke. And third are truffles, which I’m pretty sure are only an “aphrodisiac” because they cost like $500 an ounce, and if someone is going to spend that kind of money on me, I’m going to do pretty much whatever she wants.

From what I can find in 5 minutes on the internet, the only one of these three that is an actual aphrodisiac, at least in a chemical sense, is the one you all knew…the oyster. Artichokes were considered to be aphrodisiacs an ancient times, but not so much now. And truffles are, as I guessed, more “panty-droppers” than actual aphrodisiacs, thanks to their rarity. Though I guess if you are willing to extend the definition of aphrodisiac to include things that turn you on, but not in an actual chemical way, they count. Or you could just pick her up in a Ferrari. You’re welcome.

They walk out and tell the rest of the minis what the options were. Everyone is hoping for truffles.

“I’m more in love with truffles than I have been with people I’ve dated in the past.”

I think she misspoke. “I’m more in love with truffles than anyone has ever been with me.” FTFY.

They announce that she chose truffles. Duh. Apparently just the word “truffle” is an aphrodisiac, further enhancing my cost-arousal theory.

Cammy ALSO has the opportunity to sit this one out, if she’d like. But, because these are black truffles, and she’ll never, ever get to cook with them again, she is also allowed to stay…but she’ll be at the same risk of elimination that everyone else will be. She can’t pass up this opportunity. She tells us she’s not that type of person. What type of person, the SMART kind? MichRod only outlasted Nazi-Max because she played smart. For fuck’s sake, a lot of people were mad that Whitney won last year, because she basically just played the game the whole way, but to me that’s like being mad at someone for winning Jeopardy! because even though they were in last place, they only wagered a tiny amount and outlasted the other two contestants who got it wrong. It’s a competition. Don’t be an idiot.

Pictured:  Idiot.

Apparently one member of the crowd doesn’t fully accept truffles as an aphrodisiac. Guess who that is? Well, it’s not a guy, because we have accepted the idea that this is basically paying for sex, but not in an illegal or frowned upon way. So which lady do you think wouldn’t be all that impressed by a $500 truffle?

Man, Hooch is crazy…

She tells us it’s so hard to think of something sexy when the ingredient that you’re cooking with looks like dog shit.

In her defense…yeah, that’s pretty much dog shit in a fancy box.

So our minis get their stuff together, and have 1 hour to prepare their dish. The judges confer, and talk about the minis and their first time cooking with truffles. The fact that they’re still calling it “truffles” tells me they’re not ready.

Our judges are pretty pleased with Cammy’s choice to not sit this out.

I don’t get sexy in the kitchen, I get sexy in the bedroom. Ya know?

Yes Errrrrryn. I know.

This reminds me of last year’s Valentine’s theme, where half the contestants had no idea what the shit they were doing and were way out of their element, and the other half knew exactly what to do.

Bastage shows up and asks It’s-a Me, Mario what he’s making…

I’m gonna make-a sex on-a the plate.

And then, out of nowhere, we hit a new low point in MasterChef. It was one thing when they promoted (albeit badly, with Bastage reading a cue card in an uncomprehending, monotone voice) Whitney’s cookbook, considering she was last year’s winner, but this. This is…I mean, this was straight up The Truman Show. They had a commercial for a gorram 3 piece knife set right on this show. DURING THE SHOW. Not like in the commercial break. Teddy Graham just fucking performed the commercial.

Royalties, please? ktxhbai.

Also, because I tend to have my laptop in my, er, lap when I’m watching the show, I decided to see how much this 3-piece knife set cost. Holy fucking shit. Well, I’m probably just a cooking n00b, but paying nearly $300 for 3 knives seems kind of…Hooch.

Also, knife sets for sale usually come on late night tv, after you’ve had 12 beers and sat through 3 hours of softcore, weeping quietly to yourself because you’re alone, oh-so-alone. And they say “$249 value, yours for only 2 payments of $19.95” and somehow, while you’re wallowing in self-loathing, that sounds like an epic deal. That’s when people are going to buy knife sets from TV. When they’re at the lowest point of their life. Not…that…I…know…anything about that…

Also, TG says something about a paring knife being an essential piece to have in your arsenal of weapons. Arsenal of weapons. It’s like he doesn’t realize that an “arsenal” is a collection of fucking weapons. Also, he’s just adding to that paring knife’s delusions of grandeur.

So, the judges are back to walking around. Teddy tells YoAdrien that everything he does with his piece of fillet he should do as if he’s touching a woman. Bastage grows on me a little more…

“I disagree with Graham. I don’t think you should touch your meat like you touch your woman.”

There are 10 minutes left. The judges have already expressed concern with Errrrryn’s dish, and now he’s starting to fulfill their prophecy. Ya know, like Harry Potter. Or something. Psh, I’ve never read those books (twice) or seen the movies (midnight shows). No way, I’d…never…

Right, like I’m fooling you guys.

Errrrrryn realizes that he’s burnt his fillet, and his potatoes au gratin are fucked. I mean, proper fucked. He completely abandons his dish and kind of starts over-ish.

So, time runs out, and now it’s time to taste. First up is Tracy. She made a cream-based sweet corn soup with truffles. The judges love her dish. I, however, have some reservations. A thick, creamy soup as an aphrodisiac? I feel like this would just be coming out your pores when you’re taking advantage of the love you bought with a $500 truffle. I mean, not to paint the most disgusting picture ever, but….a thick, creamy, fragrant soup before working up a good sweat? EW!

Bastage calls this “super sexy.” I’m thinking he’s the kind of guy that just…well…lays there.

Graham says he wants to go to third base with it.

just…like…this….

I will always love that picture.

Second up is Born Again Christian. He also crushes it, and redeems himself a little bit for his douchebaggery in the last competition.

Third is It’s-a-me, Mario! He makes a dish that reminds him of his first date with his wife. The ladies swoon. This is also a win. Gordie tells him he’s a force to be reckoned with.

Things are going well thus far. And then, there’s YoAdrien fourth.

I mean, if you think this is sexy, you’re clearly a virgin. And not like a “saving yourself til marriage but have fooled around a bit” virgin. I mean like “internet chat room” virgin. Like “the only sex I’ve ever had was role-playing with my all-guy friends in D&D” virgin. Like “I find K-Mart underwear ads arousing” virgin.

Teddy asks him what kind of sex he’s into. That’s a dangerous question, Teddy. The other judges are even harder on him. And all the contestants behind him are like “oh, no, poor Adrien!” I don’t get it. They should be happy. He’s set the bar low as fuck.

Fifth up is Errrryn, and he fares worse. Gordie actually spits his food out. Teddy asks if there’s anything that he’s happy with on that dish, and he says no. I think he knows he’s done.

Sixth is Alejandra. Bastage calls her dish slimy, and Gordie expresses major disappointment.

Seventh is Cammy. Christian sends up a prayer that she fucked up the worst. She fucked up pretty bad…her coddled eggs are, in Gordie’s words, “wobbly.” “Wobbly” is a bad quality for eggs. TG calls it a “wobbled egg.” They all basically call her an idiot for partaking in the challenge.

This is the face of failure…

Well, there are 4 more dishes, but we don’t see them tasted. I guess they ran out of time. This is seriously bad editing, guys. Bush league. There are only 11 left, you’d think you could handle this.

So, the worst three are called up. Wait, before that, are the top 2. They are Tracy and It’s-a-Me, Mario! I can’t believe Tracy’s creamy soup was a top 2.

So, the bottom three are Errrrryn, YoAdrien, and Alejandra-it’s-not-you-it’s-Cammy. Fuck, Gordie, that was cooooold-bloooooded.

Gordie makes Cammy step forward first. He chides her for being stupid, but then sends her back to her station.

At this point, they tell YoAdrien and Errrrrryn that if they think they had the worst dish, and should be sent home, that person should take the chance to just step up and take their apron off. Errrrrryn doesn’t waste much time. He heads out gracefully, and suddenly the team-challenge lucky charm is gone. YoAdrien is still alive, and we’re down to the Top 10.