MasterChef: Motherboy

Alright, so I’m already back here…who scheduled this show? Monday AND Tuesday? And it looks like that’s going to be a continuing trend. Don’t get me wrong, I (against all odds) enjoy watching this show…but I don’t want to sit down two nights in a row to watch it. And I doubt many other people really love the idea, either. I think I’m just annoyed because I was pretty pleased with my Day 1 recap, and I’m afraid that this one is going to pale in comparison. Sorry, in advance.

So, Day 2 of auditions is more of the same.

So, today, instead of 3 minutes of intro garbage followed by Ramsay’s speed-talking summation of what’s about to go down, today…we just dive right in.

Pun intended…

I think the part I appreciate most about this is that, while the little introductory banner is at the bottom of the screen indicating that Dustin is a “Pool Boy,” Dustin tells us he’s a “Pool Technician.” I was trying to figure out what bugged me about him, and it just hit me. He’s got Ben Affleck’s smile.

Man, that’s fucking uncanny.

Also, the other thing…they show him “cleaning a pool” and making eyes with this girl who, by my estimate, is about 15.

I’m pretty sure that only Will Hunting could make math say that she was within the acceptable “half + 7” range.

I mean, it’s like FOX took clips from Dateline’s “To Catch a Predator.” Before you know it, I’ll have to explain how he’s climbin’ in yo’ window and snatchin’ yo’ people up!

Dustin tells us that he loves cooking Italian food, and that his mom taught him, and that his mom now has breast cancer, but she’s a fighter, and he wants to win for her. What he doesn’t know is that his mom secretly flew out there to see him and she surprises him. Aw. Touching.

So Dustin marches into the judges chambers and announces that he’s making sausage rolls with an Italian twist. He figured since Bastage is Italian and Gordie is English…wait, what? Gordie informs him “I’m fucking Scottish!”

Whoops.

Anyways, despite the gaffe, Gordie is super excited to try this sausage roll. He rushes up to the table first, and takes a bite! He takes another bite! Bastage asks him to save some for them. He doesn’t! He eats everything on the plate, and high-fives Dustin. Teddy Graham and Bastage get some leftovers that he had stashed on the side. They all agree, it’s delicious, except TG, who decides it’s yummy.

Next up, we have a very quick montage of colossal failures.

These two find it way funnier than I do.

Next up, we’ve got a single mom…she’s got a bottle of wine at her cooking station, but she’s not cooking with it…she’s drinking it…“for the nerves.” She’s slurring her speech a little, and she shows her dad, cleaning a squirrel. She goes to him for “redneck cooking advice,” but her style is a little more modern.

So, anyways, she stroll into the judge’s chambers, polishing off another glass of wine, and introduces herself as a newly-single mom. Gordie says he’s sorry to hear that. She says “it’s alright, he was a *&@^#%&^(*@#($&^(*&@#(&@#(&$^(@#$.”

“They always are…”

TG is trying to get a little on the side, I think…

Anyways, Bastage starts getting a little annoyed with her drunken ramblings, and tells her to hurry it up. She does, and he hops up to go first. He asks her if the polenta is instant. She assures him it’s not. He doesn’t buy it. TG steps up, and steals the claw! Here I was thinking he was angling for some sex…but no, he was just angling for the best piece of meat on the plate. Surprise, right?

So, they vote, and Bastage is still not impressed. He says no. TG says the crab was awesome, so yes. Gordie says the polenta is crap, the coleslaw was good, but what she’s done to the softshell crab was…

COMMERCIAL!!!

Ok, back from commercial…what she’s done to the softshell crab was…phenominal!! She runs out to celebrate! Wait, is she drinking a beer now?!? FFS, I hope she hired a babysitter!

Next up…some white guy with some long ass nappy dreads. He walks into the judges room and immediately goes all Yosimite Sam.

“WOOOOO! FIIIIIREWORKS!!!!”

Great, thanks guy…now I’ve got Katy Perry stuck in my damn head.

Anyways, he’s cooking a “bacon strawberry with a garlic horseradish and fruit reduction”…wait, what? TG says the dish leaves him filled with dread. I second that. The judges give it three remarkably quick NOs.

Alright, so the next batch of contestants comes in. The first asshole takes a page right out of Tebow’s playbook from last year and tries speaking in French. He tells Gordie that he knows he speaks French, so he’s doing it “just to say hello,” but really, we all know French is the language of love…

…and I think Bastage is now thinking about that Alligator Three-way from yesterday.

Well, that was a quick four shot down. Even more so than yesterday, we’re getting a slow start today…Bastage walks out and lets them all know that the food has been shit thus far, and to step it the fuck up.

Our next contestant’s name is Derrick, and he’s in a band…and it has nothing to do with The Dominoes. It’s a death metal band. I like funny juxtapositions such as this.

I mean, if this doesn’t scream “I make my own bread and pasta,” I don’t know what does…

He’s serving homemade chorizo and fire roasted salsa on a potato sopa. Gordie steps up first, and tries it. He asks Derrick if this is him, at his best, on a plate. Derrick says yes. TG tries it, says nothing, and sits. Bastage follows suit. Gordie stares at him the whole time.

They all finish tasting, and Gordie votes first. He says it’s a yes. Bastage says he’s never even seen anything like that dish, but still, it’s a yes. TG says Derrick is what this competition is all about. Gordie tops that by telling Derrick he’s the one to watch. He’s through.

Next up, we’ve got Farmer Bob, from Lowell, Mass. What the shit, guys…is everyone from Mass? Anyways, this guy is an organic farmer, and is convinced it’ll give him the edge in this competition.

Could this really be America’s next MasterChef?

I really, really, REALLY wanted to bust out a “Bob had bitch-tits” here…but he’s not quite there. I think in another 5 years he will be. So, how about I go all future perfect tense on y’all’s asses with “Bob will have had bitch-tits?”

Also, yes. “Y’all’s”…it does have two apostrophes.

So, Bob makes a classic blunder. He talks up his organic farm, and then serves chicken medallions and ahi tuna, and NOTHING from his farm. Gordie is like “srsly, dude, why did you bore us with your hippy organic farm talk then??” Bob has no reply.

Gordie tries the dish, then heads back to his seat muttering “Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob.” TG and Bastage try it in silence, and head back. Bastage gives it a no vote. TG gives it a no. Gordie gives it an “E-I-E-I-NO!” Ouch.

Alrighty, up next is Jim, a martial arts instructor from OR. He tells the guy’s he’s preparing “redneck sushi.” It’s a mix of BBQ and Sushi. Jim, dude…you’re from fucking Oregon. You don’t get to use “redneck.” THAT’S OUR WORD, JIM!!! THAT’S OUR WORD!!!!

Anyways, the secret to “redneck sushi” is the white BBQ sauce.

Well, that’s a bit racist. Why not call it White Supremacist BBQ Sauce?

So the meat in this is a beer-butt chicken. Do you know why it’s called this? I do…maybe it’s a southern thing…it’s where you pop the top of a beer can and jam it up the inside the chicken carcass’s ass. Keeps the chicken nice and juicy.

Teddy is not sold on this idea.

Ok, it’s kinda redneck cooking, perhaps. THAT’S STILL OUR WORD!!! Regardless, it’s basically a way to slow-cook a chicken on a grill without drying it out. You can actually google this. Why are you looking at me like I’m insane?

This is not “redneck.” We don’t wrap food in cucumber, and FOR FUCK’S SAKE, is that ASPARAGUS?!?!?

Jim gets a no from Bastage, a yes from TG (fear, I think), and a no from Gordie. He stomps out of the room, smashes a plate, flips chairs over, and storms out. Bastage jokingly calls security.

Wait, wasn’t that guy a fucking Martial Arts instructor? Isn’t the whole idea behind martial arts things like “inner calm” or whatever? Mister Miyagi would’ve kicked this guy’s ass to teach him a lesson.

Next in is Esther…she’s Korean, too. Or I think she’s Korean. She’s cooking Korean Spicy Braised Cod, so that’s a pretty strong indicator. Esther isn’t so much a Korean name as a mamaw name. Esther was an attorney. She quit to pursue cooking. I think there were some people like that last year…wasn’t there a doctor? Or something? How’d that work out for them? Oh, right…that’s right…Whitney stomped on their faces.

Anyways, Gordie steps up, and she mentions that the diakon is meant to be eaten with the rice. Gordie, as he demonstrated last year, gets a bit testy when people tell him how to eat. He says it’s good, but something is missing. She informs him there was supposed to be a spicy sauce in the bowl. She forgot it…

The face says it all…

She promises smarter mistakes in the future. TG comes up, and tells her that more acid would’ve made it way better. Way to rub salt in the wound. That’s what’s just been discussed.

Back to voting…Gordie says no. TG says he wants to see more, so yes. She starts begging Bastage. He tells her, at the end of the day, it’s not that impressive, but “[she] is impressive,” and he wants to see more.

She walks out to celebrations. Back in the judge’s chambers, Gordie looks at Bastage and says “you’re guilty.” Bastage is like pshaw. Also, it turns out that “pshaw” is in my macbook’s spellcheck, and I’ve never used it before. Wicked.

Next is Alvin. He’s a molecular gastronomist. Translated: A food science geek. His only resemblance to the chipmunk is the chubby cheeks. Believe me,

he knows a thing or two about cooking…AND eating…

So he creates a dish with his perfectly scienced egg. Gordie is first, and asks him if this is how he’d designed the egg. Alvin says yes, and Gordie walks off without another word. TG says he wished he had two mouths to eat this, and they share a moment. Bastage performs his patented chew staredown. They vote, and there are three resounding yes votes! Alvin runs out to celebrate, and chest-bumps his mom! That’s…a little…weird…

Alright, next…is the moment we’ve all been waiting for. It’s mom vs son!!!

Mom’s a little scary lookin’…when will women realize that when they’re 50, it’s ok to look at least 40?!? Because when they try to look 20, this is what happens. MY EYES!!! ZE GOGGLES, ZEY DO NOTHING!!!

So, of course, even though they’re not actually competing against each other…well, they treat it like they must be. So we get this back-and-forth action, cutting from mom to son to mom to son. This is feeling borderline Oedipal. These two need to ditch this cooking competition and hit up some Motherboy. Not the band…Ugh…I hope at least 2 of you watched Arrested Development…

Anyways, they both say they they’re the better cook than the other. Mom says she’s always been “someone’s daughter, someone’s mom, someone’s something…and I want to do this for myself.” Now we’re all going to feel bad for her when she gets cut and her kid gets through, and yet again she’s the “mother of the MasterChef.”

She’s making spicy green beans and sausage. He’s making chicken paprikash.

This part is too hard to recap, they’re bouncing back and forth too much. Splitting it up…

For mom, Bastage goes first. He tries the beans, and actually says something! “Idunno, maybe not in my restaurant.” Oh. TG tries it, and seems to enjoy it. Gordie tries it, and points out that it’s only half a dish. Yeah, mom is fucked.

For kid…Gordie says something about the secret of a good spatula is the lightness. Or something. Seriously I’ve tried to understand that sentence like 5 times, still have no fucking idea what he’s saying. I’m going to pretend it’s “Waiter, there’s too much pepper on my paprikash.” Bastage asks about the mushrooms, and we don’t even see TG try it.

Back to mom…

You can read it all over her face. Man…I swear, she looks borderline animatronic. like someone stretched a human face over a robot? Idunno what it is…

Gordie tells both of them that their biggest competitor is themself, because they thought they were competing against each other.

As indicated, Mom fails. Fast and hard. Three NOs.

For son…Joe hates the paprikash. TG says it’s rustic, has some soul behind it, and it’s yummy!

JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER!!!! OOOOOOOHHH!!!  Oh, wait…too soon?

So TG is a yes. Gordie is also a yes, and so the son is through!!! He walks out into the waiting area and unfurls his apron for his mom, who, like a mom, is ecstatic for him. Aw. I’m a softie…but that was sweet. Good job, mom.

Alright, next we have a trucker from IL…he’s known as the barbecue guy around his town.

This is not the scenery I’m used to seeing when tending the smoker…

I mean, this, to me, seems so wrong. So foreign, at least. Like this is what I’d expect from BBQ in Siberia. In Georgia, BBQ meant waking up before the sun and starting the smoker, grabbing the most redneckest lawn chair you could find, and just sitting around. Ideally you’d have a friend out there, and you’d split a pot of coffee while the air was still a little chilly and damp, and once the sun came up and started warming the place up a bit, you’d open the cooler of beer. And just stay right there. All day. The idea of running out to check the smoker, then running back inside before your balls freeze off. Well…I’m pretty sure that’s one aspect of life in Illinois that I’ll never get used to. Though I have learned, despite my expectations, that they have some good ass BBQ up here. And this reminds me…I’m attending “Ribfest” this weekend. Can. Not. Wait.

The more Tony talks, the more I’m plagued by the question “WHO DOES HE SOUND LIKE?!?!?” I can’t place it. He’s cooking pan seared mahi mahi with paella rice and mango salsa. It sounds good.

It looks good…

Teddy Graham tries to be the ballbuster, this time, and explains how easy it is to overcook mahi mahi. Then he cuts into it and concedes that it’s pretty perfectly cooked. But, since he failed the first time, he decides to tell Tony that a little more lime and salt would’ve made it better. Bastage tries it, then asks Tony where he wants this to take him. He tells Bastage that he wants to open his own restaurant and bring “culture food” to his town. Hm. Culture food in a small “meat and potatoes” town…I see that restaurant failing fast. Gordie is last. He states that the fish is cooked perfectly, but the rice should be nowhere near it.

Then, they judge…and they all give him yes votes immediately. What the fuck, ump! call the same strike zone already!!! He says “thank you,” AND I KNOW WHO HE SOUNDS LIKE!!!

HOORAY!!! YOU’RE THROUGH!!!!

Admittedly, he doesn’t sound THAT much like Zoidberg, but he says “my destiny is coming to fruition,” and yes, yes, yes he does sound that much like Zoidberg. I die!

Suddenly, out of nowhere, they start handing out aprons galore! Well, four of them. The last contestant of the day…is Alejandra. She’s looking to bring some Latina flare. She’s an architect (Hi, Ted Moseby, Architect), and makes it a point to tell them she’s college educated. Because that’s gonna get you somewhere in this competition.

She makes Sauteed Shrimp. She then tells Gordie that she WAS an architect, but when the market crashed she lost her job and now she’s here and really wants to make something out of this.

I find myself upset that so many people have basically said “I’m here for the $250k” this year.

So Gordie tries the dish. He says the shrimps look overcooked, but because she brined it, it’s perfect. TG says it’s part of your balanced breakfast. Bastage asks what she thinks about the spice level on the dish. She says it’s a bold dish, so she purposely added that much spices…

You learned English?

Just in cases.

So…they vote. Very quick three votes pass, and she gets an apron. There’s inspirational music! The episode is ending! Well, it’s over! NEXT TIME ON MASTERCHEF!!!

Ok, I am going to second my concern from the previous recap. I do not like the fun level of these characters. I think Esther is the next Slim, but mixed in there is some of Whitney’s stabbity stabbity. I’m pretty sure Alejandra is Tracy. I feel like The Son may present himself as Lee2.0. So we’ve got a couple of my least favorite characters from last year, but I’m not finding any of my favorites…

At least there’s one more day of auditions. I hope to find Pony #2 there, because otherwise I’m going to have to pick Ben Affleck…who I’d nicknamed Pedobear before I decided I kinda liked him. Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed it thus far, and seriously hope you guys stick with this with me. I know the two-a-weeks are brutal, but already my friends aren’t keeping up with it, and I’ve GOT to have some kind of outlet to discuss this madness! Help me, Obi Wan Kenobis! You’re my only hope!