MasterChef: Oh, Deer!

Alright guys, we’re down to just five minichefs left. One will be the MasterChef. I don’t want it to be Suzy, nor Christian. I don’t really think I’ll be too excited if Cammy wins, either, but at least I wouldn’t be angry. So it’s up to Ben or YoAdrien to make me happy. Neither is Whitney, but I’ll at least be glad if one of them wins. So there’s a 40% chance I’ll be happy.

So let’s get this show on the way. We’re running out of minichefs, which means that soon we’ll be out of episodes as well. So with 5 minis left, things are getting serious. They enter the kitchen and…there’s another mystery box! So I guess the judges will taste the best 3, meaning those 2 not in top 5 will have very little company. A bit of a confidence crusher, no?

So the judges joke around about how much they know everyone lives the mystery box…well, except Mr Pitt…and then tell everyone to lift their box in 3-2-1…

Nothing says MasterChef like ground meat.

All the minis are distraught because you really can’t do anything sexy with ground meat. It’s not like warm apple pie, after all. But I see where they’re coming from. When I saw this, I immediately thought “meatloaf” or “chili” or “shepherd’s pie.” While these things are delicious, they are not sexy. Were I in their shoes, I’d probably make a kickass meatloaf with all this, just because…I mean, what else?

So, the minis get an hour. Ben starts talking to the camera about how he’s going to make shepherd’s pie for Gordie, because he told him at the very beginning that he wanted to make him a shepherd’s pie. I’m not sure if Suzy was planning this from the start or nor not, but the way the show edited this segment, Suzy is confused and clueless as to what to do until the point where she hears Ben talking about what he’s making. Then she’s all like “Ben, you’re making shepherd’s pie, too?”

Seriously, fuck you Suzy.

I would think doing something like this would be frowned upon, so maybe this was just some dramatic editing by the show’s producers. Then again, fuck Suzy. I think Ben feels pretty certain that Suzy just ripped him off, because he says something along the lines of “well, that’s fine, it’s a competition after all, and if I can give Suzy a bit of a hint, then more power to her.” Which I think translates to “Fuck you, Suzy.”

Gordie hangs out and talks to Christian, who is making a chili. Suzy immediately chimes in to tell us that making chili in an hour is stupid, and that he should at least try to show some intelligence. What, like copying someone else? Then Suzy starts to go on and on and on about Adrien’s dish as well.

I wish someone would just break her teeth. I hear that crowbars are great for that sort of thing…

I mean, how is she now running her mouth about someone else overcomplicating a dish.

So Gordie stops over and talks to Ben and learns that he’s making a shepherd’s pie. He makes sure that Ben knows it’s a risky play…what, with Gordie eating it for his whole life. Ben isn’t worried. Gordie then finds out that Suzy is doing the same thing. He wishes them luck and wanders off so that Suzy can continue talking. She tells us that her and Ben doing the same thing is like showing up to prom and seeing another girl wearing your dress. Suzy sounds like she’s speaking based on other people’s experience. What she probably meant was “it’s like showing up to Prom and realizing that everyone lied to you about the location.” She then tells us that she thinks there’s no way that Ben will “look prettier in the dress than she does.” That’s a stupid analogy anyways, and I think Ben is gonna beat her ass.

Counting down, the judges review what’s going on. Bastage tells us that he thinks Cammy and her meatloaf is gonna fall short. They’re all impressed by Adrien’s meatball idea, and they say nothing about anyone else. So, time runs out and the judges choose the three…

First is Cammy, and the meatloaf that Bastage was just talking shit about. Christian gets pissed because he thinks chili is more complex than meatloaf. What he and Suzy seem to repeatedly fail to grasp is…who fucking cares how complex your dish is if it’s not good? The judges were probably unimpressed with his chili with good reason, and not just because he’s a dick. The judges are all very impressed with it, except Bastage, who basically says it’s ok. Suzy starts talking again. She tells us that she’s better than Cammy.

shutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutupshutup

I think I finally realize why I’ve been struggling to get motivated to write this particular recap. It’s because if it was a Friends episode, it’d been named “The one where Suzy won’t shut the fuck up, more than all the other episodes even…” There are only 3 hours of MasterChef left after this one, and I’m wondering what I did to deserve having to deal with Suzy up til this point. She’d better go home soon…

Ok, so the second dish up belongs to…YoAdrien. Suzy is pissed that he got called up. Then they taste the dish, and it’s apparently just a meaty salt-lick. Suzy can barely contain her joy and tee-hees. I wish someone would call her out like they did with Christian. “Hey Suzy, you stupid bitch, maybe stop acting like a smug little twat all the time and everyone at home will stop wishing for an elephant to crash through the kitchen, destroying your cook station and trampling you in the process.”

So, the third one called is Ben. Boy, that’s gonna piss Suzy off. Suzy tells us she thinks it’s unfair that she’s not in the top three because she *knows* her dish tastes really good. Suzy, you always think that’s the case. You should’ve been eliminated at least twice now.  Everyone loves the shepherd’s pie. Suzy stands in the back sulking.

The winner of the challenge is BEN! He’s at an all-time high, and now he gets a huge advantage for the next round. Of course. So they take Ben back into the pantry where there are three dishes prepared by a special mystery guest. There’s a total psych-out moment here, and then Gordie introduces himself as the mystery guest (right after giving the mystery chef a remarkable verbal handjob, I might add…and what do you call a handjob that you give yourself???).

Oh, no…

So he gets to choose between three dishes. A pan-roasted halibut with crab, a roasted duck breast, and venison loin. He chooses to cook the venison, and then learns that he gets to taste the dish, and ask 3 questions. His first question is a complete waste, because he asks Gordie how he prepared the beets, which are actually red cabbage. Eeek, rough start. He asks his other two questions, hopefully gets the info he needs, grabs his materials from the pantry, and heads out with Gordie to show everyone what they’ll be cooking. The minis all rush up to get a taste, and then rush off to the pantry. They have 90 minutes to knock this out.

Early on, Ben really seems to have his shit together. He tells us that there’s pressure not only from the competition and not wanting to go home, but if he fucks up cooking venison, they’ll throw him out of Texas! Seriously, dude, if they haven’t thrown you out for wearing your silly chef hats, they won’t throw you out for anything. Also, why isn’t he wearing his hat today? That does not bode well.

So the judges reconvene up front, and start talking about everyone’s progress. Thus far, they’re convinced that Christian’s arrogance will break him. People are having problems with the parsnip puree (say that five times fast), but Gordie tells the other judges that the hardest is getting the sear right on the venison.

And then Ben cuts into his venison loin…and it’s overcooked. No pink at all. Just…it’s wrong.

She gave her life for this, Ben. She gave her life, and you let her down.

So the minis are scrambling to get their stuff on the plate, and Ben is not very pleased. Gordie asks everyone who is happy with their dish. Only Christian raises his hand. No one else is happy.

Suzy is called up first. Unfortunately, she gets praise. Lots of it, in fact, made worse by the fact that she’s never cooked venison before. I hate listening to her receive praise. Just the way she says “thank you” makes me want to attempt to run through a brick wall. I guess she’s not going home today. Sigh.

Christian is called up second. He tells us he nailed it, and he wouldn’t do anything different. Then Christian tells the judges that he thinks he really captured the essence of Gordie’s dish. TG tastes it first, and basically tells him that no…no, he did not. Then Gordie tastes it, and points out that Christian used way too much pepper. Bastage tells him (again, I think) that if he could put his arrogance onto a plate, he’d probably be way more awesome. Suzy nods and amens and hallelujahs or whatever in the background.

Ben is called third. He tells the judges he squandered his advantage. He was cooking it in butter at around 200 degrees, which is way too hot. According to TG, it should’ve been closer to 140. TG is disappointed, but not as disappointed as Gordie. But at least Ben stands up there and accepts the criticism, and knows he earned it. So I guess that’s why I like him and not stupid bitchface Suzy or Christian.

So Cammy is up 4th, and…

Oh, my….

It is apparently awful, too. Christian has a little celebratory moment on camera and lets everyone know how glad he is that she’s going to be gone soon. I still have to wonder why he hates her so much. I’m honestly curious. I mean, he isn’t really friendly with anyone, but good grief. I mean, it could be as simple as she was the first one to call him out for being a douche. Who knows. If he wasn’t such a fuck, I’d give him the benefit of the doubt. None of the judges are impressed by her, either.

Last up is YoAdrien. His is also awful. Gordie hates it. Teddy Hates it. He warns Bastage that it won’t taste good, and Bastage agrees. So basically only Suzy is safe. She tells us how great of a moment it is for her. I’m choking back bile just trying to make it to the end of the episode without vomiting. Oh well.

All four of the not-Suzy minis are called up front. Gordie asks Cammy and Born Again Christian to step forward. They are both relieved of their stress and sent back to their stations, because YoAdrien and Ben did worse.

“I think it says a lot that I’m still here…I’m still the best chef ever.”

Seriously, the best chef ever? This is MasterChef, where only non-professionals compete. That’s like being high on yourself for being the best high school lacrosse player.

So it’s down to Ben and Adrien. Gordie tells us they’ve become fond of the person who’s going home, and they were convinced he was going to be final 3, if not 2, but…it’s Ben. Ben is gone. There’s some very sad piano music. It’s all kinds of sad, period. Aww….Gordie asks him to predict, before he walks out, who’s going to win it. He says Adrien.

Well, here’s hoping. Here’s fucking hoping…

RIP, Ben Star. You’ll be missed.