MasterChef: On a Boat

Alright, my loyal followers, I have a question for you? Does it bother you that I start every single recap talking about the 2 minute introductions that conveniently tells us what we’ve not forgotten, and then continue with a rant about how boring and formulaic the show is becoming? Or are you instead giving me the benefit of the doubt and secretly giving me kudos for being ironic? Or are you furiously digging through your textbooks to see if I even have a grasp on what “irony” really is?

Hopefully you’ve chosen option B, and we can move forward without me feeling like a douchebag…

Right off the bat we’re treated to an interview with Lee, talking about how crazy it is that there are only 6 of them left, out of the many who started. I’m kinda surprised, too…mostly that Lee is still around despite no one caring. Then we see Sharone, and he doesn’t miss a douchebaggy step…

“I’m the most confident and powerful chef in this kitchen…I can win this.”

First…what?! Powerful Chef? What does that even mean? He can grill harder than anyone else? Anyone else feel like they’re watching an anime cooking show? Porkemon? Wait…that sounds more like a porno…oh well. Anyways, along the lines of “something you may hear in a porno,”

“If there’s one thing I want to warn the other contestants about, it’s that I have some things up my sleeve that you haven’t seen yet.”

Ok, so maybe that was a stretch, but it’s the sleazy look on his face that made that sound dirty. So, now that most of our minis have had some time on camera to talk about how awesome they are, we reach the first challenge. It’s time for the final

“WHAT’S IN THE FUCKING BOX?!?!?”

challenge of the season. The last one!!!  And we wait with baited (lol you’ll understand that pun later on tonight) breath to find out what’s in that fucking box…and there’s a countdown…3…2…1…box!! It’s a rack of venison! I’m calling Whit to win it right now!! I mean, she’s from Mississippi. Her daddy probably brings home a few times a year.

Whit can’t believe her good fortune.

Sheetal tells us how she’s not yet won a mystery box challenge, and all I can think is how it’s not going to happen tonight. David feels pretty pumped about venison, as well.

We move on to our judges talking about what it’s going to take to win this, and after they’ve finished talking about how great our minis are looking, they start perusing. Gordie stops at David first and seems satisfied that he knows what he’s doing. Venison fillet wrapped in thick cut bacon? Yum! So clearly we have to find the contestant that’s doing it wrong…and they find Sharone.  Sharone, who has already been chided for over-complicating things, is totally failing to learn from his mistakes. Instead of cooking a venison dish, he’s cooking two.

“So you’ve got 3 sauces for 2 dishes?”

Sharone is really starting to piss me off, and I mean a lot more than in previous episodes. I mean he’s always been a cocky douche, but he’s bordering on Anakin Skywalker levels of arrogance. We already saw what happened to Faruq Vader. I mean, this dish he’s preparing is just culinary masturbation. I hope it was good for him, because I don’t think our judges really appreciate it. He also makes a snide remark about how lee “always cooks with fucking fennel.”

They visit Whitney next, who’s doing pan-seared venison with brown gravy. She clearly knows what she’s doing with this, so our judges don’t loiter, but once they walk away, they talk about how she has some nice oven-roasted veggies, but that her choice of gravy on this venison is wrong. They’re all too good for southern cooking, I guess, which is a shame, because I want to eat this.

They pop over to Lee’s station, who cooking some kind of coffee and blueberry sauce. That doesn’t sound all that tasty to me, but whatever. Gordie thinks a coffee sauce won’t go all that well with the already gamy venison.

Gordie finally makes it back to Sheetal’s station, and we finally have our headless chicken…

“That’s going to taste like Ghandi’s flip flop.”

Thanks for being so culturally sensitive, Gordie…thank goodness you avoided the faux pas of saying Mother Theresa’s flip flop. Seriously, Ghandi’s flip flop? Geez. She does her best impersonation of Mikey and starts running around trying to get shit together.

Sharone gets interviewed, and he appears to be cooking his venison well, but he’s still probably over-complicating things. He tells us how badly he wants to win this challenge…

So, of course, there’s intense music, and they clock counts down from 20 and everyone scrambles to get their dish ready, and again when the clock runs out Sharone goes all jock on us and “WHOOOO”s and jumps around and claps his hands.

So the judges select the first of the 3 dishes that they’ll be tasting today, and it’s Sheetal! We’re all like lol flippy floppies…but apparently when she redid it she figured out how to cook. Gordie loves it. Bastage says it’s excellent, but then suggests a drizzle of olive oil, and we’re all WTFing.

Even Gordie…

Second up is Whitney, and Gordie immediately starts talking shit about her choice to go with gravy. He then tries it, and totally changes his mind. He says the venison is like it was cooked by an angel…

What do you mean, “like”?

The third name called is Sharone. We’re all like WTF. Then he brings up his plate and we’re even more like WTF?!?

Next time, hold the tartare sauce

THEN, once he’s up there, they all start making fun of his ridiculous looking dish. Bastage goes so far as to describe it as “Salvador Dali on crack,” while Gordie thinks it’s a storyboard, where the deer got shot in the woods, shit on the plate, and moved on.

Lee is loving this.

Sharone tries to step in and tell the story of his dish, and Gordie tells him to stfu. He then places a napkin over the mess on the side of the plate and finally eats a bite of the venison, which is apparently quite good. I swear, if asshole Sharone wins this round, someone else is going to have to recap the finale next week. They basically all love his venison, but then proceed to continue with the “we’re not mad, we’re disappointed.”

So, after lol’ing at Sharone, we’re at the part where they choose a winner…and I swear if it’s Sharone I’m done. And…it’s Sh———eetal!!!

Holy sh——eetal!!

Yeah, none of us can believe it either. She goes on to talk about how great it is that she finally won, and Lee stands in the back clapping way too enthusiastically.

Sheetal goes into the back with the judges, and she learns that the theme of the next challenge is dessert! Gordie asks her if she likes dessert. She says “no.” He can’t believe it! He asks her again!! She gives the same answer!!!

Teddy isn’t mad, he’s just very disappointed…

They reveal the three choices. Honey, berries, and vanilla. Prior to a decision, the judges ask Sheetal who she’s most afraid of. She says Whitney. They then ask who the weakest remaining competitor is, and without batting an eye she immediately says it’s David. We lol. The real answer should be “it’s probably me.” I still can’t believe she’s made it this far.

She comes back out to a slow-clap. They unveil that she’s chosen vanilla, and then everyone gets sent into the cupboard to grab their ingredients. Mike is back in full-on panic mode, and is running around and grabbing everything, when he spills the milk. We lol, and I’m sure Tebow cries, because that’s what Tebow does…he cries over spilled milk.

Either that’s spilled milk, or TG just realized that not only are they cooking dessert, but he’s going to get to taste the dessert.

The camera walks around and basically shows us how most of the contestants aren’t comfortable in this challenge. Tebow doesn’t like dessert, so that’s kinda shitty for him. Sheetal is brilliant enough to make something she’s never tried making before, so she’s a bit nervous. Then we get to Sharone, who’s making a butterscotch napoleon. As always, he’s over-complicating things…

I think he’s trying to compensate for something…what could that be?

Despite the nerves from most of our contestants, our judges are expecting big things. Round two of the tour starts with Whit, who is making these tasty looking pastry things with vanilla crème filling. Yum. Lee is exuding confidence, and is making some kind of vanilla French toast. Tebow, who doesn’t like dessert, learns from Gordie that he’s cooking his crème brulee the “dangerous” way, and looks a little nervous. But he doesn’t look as nervous as Mikey, who’s literally running around the kitchen.

Tebow gives us a narrative of how you have to be calm when you cook, or you just end up screwing yourself. Whiles he’s giving this speech, we see Mikey sprinting everyone and mixing two bowls and once and looking otherwise flustered. Not looking good for that pony. Then, right when I’m sure one of my ponies is going home, Sheetal pulls her sponge cake out of the oven.

Seriously, though, I can’t be the only one who immediately thought of American Pie, can I?

So, there’s a countdown, and when the time ends Sharone does his annoying jump and WHOOOs. And then he’s the first called up, and it’s a Mille-feuille (thank goodness for captions, amiright?) with mixed nuts. Apparently it’s really, really good, and he goes back to being super cocky Sharone…great.

Next up is Tebow, with his crème brulee. Whitney lols because he forgot the whole “brulee” part. It’s not even a crème brulee!!!

More like a crème “to blathe,” and as we all know, “to blathe” means to bluff!

Gordie can’t believe what he’s seeing, and makes David wear TG’s glasses to get a better look at his own failure. LOL!!

It says “I-S-u-c-k-A-t-D-e-s-s-e-r-t”…HEY!!!

Lee laughs at Tebow, which is kinda getting annoying. I mean, what a dick…

Whit comes up with her Profiteroles, chantilly cream and flambéed b-a-n-a-n-a-s. Gordie tells her that he’s eaten literally thousands of these. It lives up to his expectations, though. TG comes up to try it, and we learn that Whit flambéed her bananas in bourbon instead of rum. Yay south!! She then tells a story about the first time she decided to flambé bananas, and how she was nervous to buy the liquor. TG laughs at her.

Sheetal is fourth up, and the fact that her dessert isn’t really completed is a bit of a problem. Bastage is personally disappointed in her. She gets sent back to her station, but we know she’ll be back up front shortly in the bottom 3. Sharone then starts talking shit about how she had an advantage and she fucked up.

Lee was 5^th, and he is super pumped about his dessert, which Bastage points out is basically French Toast. Lee’s all like “more like Freedom Toast, bitch!” Bastage tells him it’s not only bad as dessert, but bad as breakfast. Last up is Mike, and he brings his attempted trifle. Gordie doesn’t really seem to enjoy it, and Bastage asks him if it has raw eggs in it. Mikey tries to skirt the question, but Bastage won’t let it go. He shouldn’t, though, since raw egg is kinda a big fuckup. The answer is yes, there are raw eggs. I’m not mad…I’m just very disappointed.

So, your winner is….WHITNEY!!!! And we’re clapping…Next, the bottom 3. Mike and his raw eggs, Lee and his shitty French toast, and Sheetal with her baby food. And the person going home is…”Lee!” WTF HOW IS SHITTY FRENCH TOAST WORSE THAN RAW EGGS?!?!? I CAN’T BELIEVE TH— “go back to your station.” Ok, wtf.

“Thank you, Lord, for salmonella.”Wait, really…that’s gotta be the first time anyone has ever said that…

So Mikey is the one sent home, and we’re sad because he’s all nice.

The next challenge is the most absurd yet. Our contestants are taken out on a boat, and since it has to be done…

I’m on a boat!!

Sorry, I was really hoping to find a shot that I could caption with “I’M THE KING OF THE WORLD!!!” but I’m afraid the boat would’ve taken a nasty nose-dive if TG had tried that…regardless, this is where the “baited breath” comes in. See, I can spell good, after all!

They head out to this stocked pond ocean to catch Sculpin (aka scorpion fish), and of course the first one to get a bite is Tebow. He’s screaming and grunting and it more or less sounds like TG at an all-you-can-eat cake restaurant, and then…

Fishing rocks!!!

Everyone laughs, but seriously…a rock? If it didn’t seem staged at all that all 6 of our contestants caught Sculpin…well, a fucking rock? No, I’m not buying it.

So, we go back to the kitchen to cook. We learn that this challenge is for our minis to present a meal to 3 of the toughest food critics in the country. Those critics will decide who the worst two dishes are, and those two minis will face a pressure test. Whitney learns that her advantage for winning the last round was that she gets an extra 15 minutes to do the food. A 15 minute head start…that seems nice. So our minis are all running around cooking their meals. Lee tells us that he’s serving the fish with the broth, and basically gives this huge explanation of how he’s trying to be symbolic. Ugh.

More people running around, and we’re just watching them cook, and then we get to Sharone, who has decided to serve the sculpin’s liver with the fish. What a dumbass. He’s going against the hinted advice of the three judges by doing this, and I’m just waiting for Pride to be his undoing…

“I knew at that defining moment that I could be the next MasterChef.” Yep, there’s irony in this statement.

After that, we get frantic shots of our minis running around and barely get their shit together and on their plates. There’s a countdown, and magically all 5 minis get their food up on the bar at the same time.

I need to take a moment to reflect on something…as has been stated (and presumably why our contestants are all finishing their food at the last second), food gets less delicious as it sits and waits. So if these are the 3 toughest critics in the country…do the minis that present last really finish their dish at the same time as those who go first? I mean, it was spread over like 15 minutes of TV time…I mean, I’m sure they stagger start times or something…I think I’m just getting fed up with the photo finishes…

So, Whit is up first, and present her dish to the food critics. She’s made pan-seared sculpin over eggplant with a tomato sauce. One of the critics asks her where she got fresh tomatoes. I would find that to be a stupid question – I’m quite certain the kitchen at the Ritz has actual fresh tomatoes…but whatever. Anyways, Whit makes the brilliant decision to tell them that the tomatoes are actually canned…

Not surprisingly, this doesn’t go well…

The judges don’t really say much, and after an awkward pause Whitney channels a little Michael Cera from Superbad and is all like “byyyyyyeeeeee” in a shrill voice and then runs away. She retreats to the safety of the kitchen, where she tells everyone that it went really well. I feel like she may be wrong.

Second is David. He’s served his buttered sculpin on Israeli couscous. He tells the critics that this was the first time he’s ever made Israeli couscous. They’re rather blown away by the stupidity of that decision, and ask him why he chose to do something new…he then manages to offend the judges by calling Moroccan couscous “boring.”

Third is Lee. He’s serving sculpin over fennel couscous. LOL! Fuck you Sharone, you’re right and we’re lol’ing…The judges are kinda not giving away much, though…

Sheetal is fourth. She explains that she’s Indian, and so she’s used to cooking with a lot of curry. The critics seem to think it’s pretty ok, but then one of them finds a bone. The horror!!! So, I’d kind of think that would be an automatic dismissal, kind of like Mike and the raw eggs…we’ll see.

Last is Sharone. Gordie tells him explicitly and no less than 97 times to NOT TALK SO MUCH when he goes out there. Sharone sits down to be serious with us for just one moment…

“I feel that I am such a better chef than the rest of them…I really, truly feel that.”

So Sharone goes out there and taaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalks. And I mean goes on and on. The critics are talking amongst themselves, and are not at all impressed with the fish liver. So I guess our question is…was this last idiot move enough to kiss him goodbye?

Our judges come back with the critics grading. Three critics, 4 stars each to give out, 12 total stars. Gordie busts out the reviews. The highest scoring dish, with 11.5/12 stars…is…commercial!!! UGH! Ok, we’re back! The highest scoring dish, with 11.5/12 stars…is…TEBOW!!!!  WTF comeback player of the show!!! He then proceeds to squeal and shout and cry a little, and eventually just

loses his fucking mind…

Next announcement is the worst dish. With 4/12…SHARONE!!!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HIS DISH WAS DESCRIBED AS “SHOCKINGLY DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!” BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

So, we jump back to the upper half. Second place, with 8/12 stars…Lee! That has to be the only thing that could’ve made Sharone’s day worse!!!

Now, back to the bottom…4^th place, and the other person joining Sharone for the pressure test is…with a 5/12…WHITNEY!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!! She cries a little while she tells the camera that she’s going to fight back and won’t be going home tomorrow…

So Sheetal was right in the middle. Oh well, we don’t care…But then she tells the camera that she wants to see Whit whoop Sharone’s ass.

Well, the pressure test this week again involves cooking instead of naming shit. They’re cooking soufflés! We all like Whit’s chances over Sharone here. Sharone tells us that he looks to his left, and the last person he wants to see there is Whitney, but there she is, and is all

Yippee Kai Yay, motherfucker!

So they’re cooking soufflés, which is apparently the most terrifying thing to try to cook…they get an hour and a half to make their soufflés. They can make as many as they want, but can only present one. Our judges talk amongst themselves, and make it known that the wise strategy would be to make a test batch of soufflés so they’re sure they know what they’re doing when they make the real deal.

We get shots of Whitney and Sharone baking, and baking hard, and we see the 3 safe minis up on the balcony talking. Lee points out that Whitney is trying to scrape the melted chocolate out of the bowl and into the milk instead of doing it the other way around. They then notice that Sharone added salt to his soufflé. Well, at least he didn’t forget the fucking salt!!! But wtf!

Sharone gets his first batch of soufflés into the oven, and Whitney isn’t even close to ready. She may not have time to get a 2^nd batch in, we’re not sure!!! And then Sharone does something totally inexplicable! Even for him! He sits down in front of the oven to just watch them cook, when he could be prepping his second batch!!!

Just watchin’ the oven channel…

There are 20 minutes left when Whitney finally gets her first soufflés in the oven. She won’t have time for another batch. The judges can’t believe it, we can’t believe it, and the other minis can’t believe it. Sharone has tasted his first batch, presumably made adjustments, and with 15 minutes to go puts his second batch in.

Whit’s soufflés finish cooking with about 10 minutes to go. She takes them out, and Gordie starts yelling at her to hurry up because it needs to get from oven to belly in 90 seconds!!! Whitney, bless her, can’t figure out how to get the soufflé onto the tray to present it. She keeps burning her fingers on it before Gordie finally tells her to use the damn oven mitt. I’m freaking out that she may be going home, but she finally gets it on the table for the judges, and it looks pretty good. But obviously it has to be delicious, too…the judges say nothing.

Sharone’s soufflés are running a bit behind, and we’re down to the wire yet again. He pulls out with a minute to spare, which, unless I miss my guess, means he didn’t even get started! WHATUP!!!!! Anyways, he gets his soufflé out, onto the serving tray, sprinkles sugar on it, and…

I’m not going to forget the fucking salt!!!

WTF salt?!?

He runs it over…just in time. Gordie can’t believe he used sea salt. They taste his soufflé…and huddle up. After their conversation, the winner of the Highlander Soufflé Challenge is: WHITNEY!!!! ZOMGROFLCOPTER!!!! Sharone is gone!!

Sad Face…

Bastage tells him that it takes “balls that clang” to put salt on the soufflé. He then offers him a job at one of his restaurants. We can rest easy knowing his good food won’t go to waste, at least. But I’m glad to see him go, because it means Whit is still alive!

So, we’re at the “next week on” segment. Looks like next week is the finale! Already?!? It looks intense! I watched some of the “next on” on accident, sorry…