MasterChef: Pork, the Euphemism

Alright my little make believe food connoisseurs, we’re here for our first two hour episode of MasterChef…how does it feel? Is it everything you hoped it’d be? I personally can’t say I’m super pumped about spending two hours with Bastage & Co, but since I know you’d all be lost without me, here goes…

We start out with yet another annoying ass montage/intro that’s like 5 a minute recap of what’s happened thus far. Apparently Fox feels that their average viewer either has a terrible memory or they know that we all have to drink heavily to survive each episode. I guess the second isn’t an unfair assumption. During the montage, they visually and verbally tell us that there will be blood, sweat, and

TEARS. lol

Today’s episode proper begins with our Minichefs being introduced to the MasterChef kitchen. This place is sweet. I mean, my kitchen is an 8×8 box that just happens to have a few cabinets, and electric stove, and a refrigerator in it. I think each Mini gets a work station that’s got more counter space than my entire kitchen. And the stove! Holy shit! I’d assumed they were cooking their eggs in the MasterChef kitchen last week, but it looks like I was wrong, because the disembodied female voice tells us this is their first time in the MasterChef kitchen!

Gratuitous kitchen shot.

So in walk our three fearless judges, and Gordie of course spends about 5 minutes giving the MasterChef kitchen a verbal handjob under the table before reminding our Minis that while this is super nice and all, fancy tools do not a MasterChef make.

The first challenge of the day is…the mystery box! They can use as many or few of the ingredients that are within the box to make their dish. They have 45 minutes to do so. The winner of this challenge will have a decided advantage in the next challenge, but no one will be sent home. Basically, from what I can tell, this is FOX wasting our time.

The DVF is getting some “face” time early on, for sure. She blabs on about the rules (which I’ve recapped above for you), and the whole time we’re all like

WHAT’S IN THE FUCKING BOX?!?!?1?

So, now that Wrath is out of the way, we’re on to the challenge. They keep saying “stunning dish.” Like, seriously, every round has stunning dishes. Repeatedly. And I’ve only just noticed it now, because as the DFV read us the rules, and Gordie read us the rules, they both said “stunning dish.”

Dear FOX, a Thesaurus is not a type of dinosaur. It is not extinct. Please use one. kthxbai.

So, the lids come up. Wait, there’s a count of three. 1…2…3…BAM! Lids are up! Gordie, of course, not trusting us to be keen enough to recognize the ingredients, reads the list off. There’s a massive double-cut pork chop, parsley, cabbage, ciabatta bread, granny smith apple, lemon, tomatoes, cognac, cinnamon, and chocolate.

Gratuitous food shot…

Every item in the box is preceded by an adjective. Dear FOX, this is not what I was suggesting with the whole “use a thesaurus” thing.

So the 45 min clock starts, and immediately there’s hustle and bustle in the kitchen. The judges get together to discuss the box, and what they’d do if they were in the competition. Gordie asks them which ingredient they’d stay away from. Teddy says the chocolate. We’re all like “lol yeah so you can eat it.” Bastage refers to the chocolate as the “devil of the box.” Remember this well, my young Padawans.

About 2 minutes later, they start wandering around and interviewing our minichefs. I guess we need some insight into what they’re making, right? Bastage makes his way over to Sheena, who is utilizing the “devil of the box” to make chocolate mousse. Bastage tells her that he’s looking forward to trying it, because chocolate mousse is one of his favorites.

The real question: is it the mousse that Bastage has a sweet tooth for?

Next up, they make their way over to Whitney, who apparently has never cooked pork before. At least not in the literal sense. Bastage can’t believe it, but tells her that it looks delicious. Teddy asks why she didn’t stick with something she was more comfortable with, and she says that she wants to challenge herself, since “that’s what the entire competition is about”…remember that for later, too, kids.

Never cooked pork chops before? What else has she not done before that she’s this good at?

We’re treated to more random glimpses of the kitchen as TG reads off the clock. 15 minutes, 10 minutes, time is running out!!! Intermixed in this whole segment are random interviews, none of which have been particularly useful, until now.

“I’ve never been classically trained. This is just raw talent.” Am I the only one seeing the Rob Schneider – Tobey Maguire love child here?

“This is my dream, it’s what I’ve always wanted to do, and I’m not letting anyone get in my way.” Told you. Stabbity. Watch your backs.

“I think when you get people in the room that are just, like, super passionate like I am, and super intense, and ready to go, it elevates everybody’s game, ya know?”

The judges will only taste 3 dishes. So, they’re going on sight/smell/knowledge of food alone to select those 3, and then they choose their favorite. Well, that seems silly, but ok.

First selected is Sheena. When asked why she went with desert, she replies “I thought you’d be eating a lot of pork, and you might want to take a break from the saltiness with something sweet.” Sheena clearly knows what comes after eating a lot of pork, amiright? Bastage tells her she followed the devil in the box, except she found redemption. Man, what an awful way to phrase that.

Second selection is DK! Gordie tells him that he’s graceful in the kitchen, like watching a swan glide over the lake.

A very big swan.

They love DK’s thick pork. I’m sure they’re not the first. Teddy commends him on his daring and quick thinking, since he’d have to start cooking that monster right away. I’m impressed too. I wouldn’t have a clue what to do with that much meat.

Who’s the third selection? Tebow is certain that it’s him, to the point that he tells the camera that it’s gotta be him. He’s looking more and more Jersey Shore by the day.

I mean, is he rockin’ a spray tan?!?

Anyways, the last selected is Whitney. My Whitney! Not that there’s another Whitney anymore, but just to make sure you all remembered. She’s never cooked a pork chop before, and she whooped Tebow’s ass!

Tebow can’t believe it.

The judges have tried all three dishes, and they’re ready to make their selection. The winner of this semi-meaningless “what’s in the fucking box” challenge is…WHITNEY!!! Yay my pony! Gordie KEEPS harping on the fact that she’s only 22.

WHY DOES NO ONE REMEMBER THAT SLIM IS ONLY 22, AND ISN’T NEARLY AS AWESOME?!?!?

For some reason, the camera keeps sliding back to Tebow, who looks completely blown away that Whitney somehow won the challenge. I am currently trying to decide if he is just being a raging douche, or if FOX is trying to set him and Whitney up as the rivals for the final episode. I bet he cries more than she does, that’s for sure.

So, challenge number two. Whitney gets to choose one of three ingredients to use in the next dish, which must adhere to the theme of the challenge: Chinese food! Whitney has never cooked Chinese before!!! OMFG NO! The horrors!

Gordie says “stunning” again. FUCK, FOX.

Poor Whitney is a deer in headlights right now…

First ingredient option: “the most amazing Chinese Mushrooms.”  Box #2 contains mandarin oranges. The final ingredient is duck.

Graham asks her if she’s going to be playing to her strengths, or everyone else’s weaknesses. Whitney chooses the oranges.

Slim cheers loudly, then boasts to the camera that she clearly has an advantage over the others. I bet you she doesn’t win. Any takers? In fact, I know who’s going to win this challenge. Anyone remember what Mikey cooked for his first meal? If not, I’ll remind you.

Pan-seared duck breast with an orange miso sauce.

Apparently someone is thinking like me and the camera and judges wander over his way. Gordie freaks out and asks Mikey what he’s doing…why he’s putting a ring of tin foil under the chicken. It turns out Mikey is making a push up bra for his chicken breast…

“It’s just gonna lift up the breast.”

Faruq Earl Jones and Avis both look like they have absolutely no idea what they’re doing. Gordie refers to her as “Big Trouble in Little China.” Did Kurt Russell get royalties for that?

We get more interviews. It’s becoming more and more clear that people know they’re probably going home.

“I love you Whitney, but you better go down, it’s my time to shine.” Seriously, who wrote that line? It’s like a weak ass manga translation.

Time’s up! We get to see the results. Whitney is up first, and things are not pretty. Gordie calls her dish “TV dinner stir fry with bits of chicken that the dog didn’t want to eat.” Slim gets more camera time to be an annoying and unwarrantedly cocky biatch, and I wish more and more and more that her stupid ass gets sent home.

Second up is slim. She’s beaming. Then Gordie tells her that she did the dish an injustice. She made a dish which resulted in an amazing stock, and she didn’t bother to serve the stock. ROOKIE MOVE, BITCH! BWAHAHAHA WHITNEY 4 LYFE!!!

Slim just got (Mandarin) Orange Crushed.

I get the feeling this is turning into a Team Edward vs. Team Jacob thing, except no one is rooting for Team Slim. Well, at least no one who’s writing this recap.

The judges continue to be unimpressed. Avis serves them “gas station noodles,” and Tony brings up “kid food… [which] taste like chicken nuggets soaked in orange juice.”

Up comes Tebow. The judges see his dish and react in about the same way I did.

Holy fuck he turned the broccoli purple.

Bastage says the dish looks cartoonish. Tebow, wtf did you expect with PURPLE FUCKING BROCCOLI!?!?! Sheetal’s eggrolls, aside from being doo-doo brown, are pretty much empty.

Jenna comes up, and has had her dish plated with 20 minutes left. As Gordie says, “food dies when it sits in the window.” Bastage slams the silverware down on her dish. The judges are all getting cranky because everyone played this safe, since no one knows how the fuck to cook Chinese. Hey, asshole, pro-tip: If you don’t want your minichefs to cook tentatively, maybe don’t make them cook Chinese food. For fuck’s sake, we’re in America…to most of us, Chinese food is Sesame Chicken or stir-fry.

Something very generic, with some random vegetables, and served as at least 7 of the menu options…

We’ve had 6 people bring up shitty food. Number 7 is Tracy, who finally hits the T-G-spot. TG is happy that he got good food in his belly. She high-fives David. Tee-hee. Sharone is number 9, and he also nails it. Our minis are starting to breathe a little bit easier.

Number 10, Sheena comes up. She plays it “pretty bold” by making a warm mandarin salad. It turns out that “pretty bold” means “not at all Chinese, and not very good.” Faruq brings up stuffed chicken, which “is about as Chinese as [Gordie’s] mum, who is from Glasgow, Scotland.”

Last up is Mikey. There are a couple of people who got skipped. I just realized we never saw Lee…and someone else as well, and I can’t remember who. Wtf. Oh, DK, that’s the other one. There are only 14, and FOX can’t even show us all of them?!? Mikey makes a nutty chicken, which sounds way better than shitty chicken. Gordie has a huge problem with the dish. He doesn’t want to stop eating it! It’s amazing!!!

My ponies both won! I’m so happy right now, I’m crying like Tebow!

Now that’s what I call a sack lunch! Om nom nom!!!

The bottom 3 dishes belong to: Faruq, Sheena, and Avis. The person leaving MasterChef is….Avis. I guess we all learned what happens when Avis doesn’t Try Harder. We get a sad montage of her time on MasterChef.

ZOMG there’s a twist!!! Another person will be cut! WTF SURPRISES! We get quick interviews with both FEJ and Sheena both saying how they’re sure it’ll be them. Sheena’s name is called, and Faruq can’t believe it. He doesn’t seem happy at all, actually. He seems overburdened with guilt.

We get no montage for Sheena. She was merely a sacrifice to get Faruq Earl Jones to his full potential.

He is now Faruq Vader.

Personally, I’m ok with Sheena being sent home, and honestly, it’s kinda time that Avis goes home, too. I’m sure she’s an amazing cook, but you just knew it wasn’t gonna win, and it was going to be hard for everyone to watch her go, and even harder the longer she was around.

Next up is a team challenge! THAT’S why they pulled the whole second elimination thing. Hard to have teams with you have 13 contestants still around.

We’re taken to a beach, and a bunch of amphibious marine vehicles pull up out of the water. Pretty cool. Then Gordie, Bastage, and TG get off of one…and you have to wonder wtf all these ripped as shit marines though of TG.

I also wonder what they think of David. Do they understand that he just wants to be formal, but he’s there to party?

The next challenge is to split everyone into teams. Mikey gets to choose his team first, and the leftovers are the other team. Personally I’m not sure if that sounds like such a great advantage, since everyone he doesn’t pick will immediately hate him, but whatever. I guess we gotta do something to juice up this drama.

Teddy tells everyone that this competition is important to him because his dad served in the Navy for 32 years. I want to know what his Navy-vet dad thought of his son getting fat and running off to become a cook. Seriously, that conversation has got to be better than anything we’ve seen on here yet.

Gordie comments on Tebow’s “top.” I guess they do thinks a bit different across the pond, because where I’m from, a t-shirt is never called a top. I’m betting the Marines would all agree with me.

“I think someone’s going to beat the shit out of you in a minute.” We can all dream, Gordie…

Mike chooses his 5 team-mates. Sharone is certain that Mike is going to pick him. I’m not sure why, maybe there was some kinda bromance that I didn’t know about. Mikey picks DK, Lee, Tracy, Cap’n Cliche, and Sheetal. Sharone takes this hard. I mean, really hard.

Gordie uses the word “stunning” twice in one sentence. FUCK, FOX…Thesaurus already!!!

Sharone jumps in and takes the lead for the red team. They’re making bbq glazed steak, grilled veggies, and need one more side. Sharone points out they have TONS of of taters.

What’s taters, Precious?

PO-TA-TOES!!!

Slim gets all pissy because potatoes are “so boring!” Fuck off, Slim. Seriously. I’m tired of your shit. Stop being a part of the problem and start being a part of the solution, or GTFO. Please, the latter. I will never like you.

Gordie stops into Blue kitchen first. Mikey gives him the rundown on the menu: stuffed pork (ok I must be 5, but at this point all you have to do is say the word “pork” and I start giggling), roasted corn, scalloped potatoes, and puff pastry for dessert.

These are Marines…I don’t think they do puff pastries.

Next up is the red team. They’re serving BBQ skirt steak, potatoes au gratin with bacon, and roasted veggies, with an apple turnover for desert.

In the blue room, trouble is afoot. Mikey is running around like a chicken with his head cut off, and DK is getting sick of it. This has potential to go Lord of the Flies in a hurry. OMFG THEY’RE KILLING PIGGY!!!!1!! Calm down, Mikey! DK is cutting the fat off the pork, and Mikey is freaking out. Somehow, he decides it’s a great plan to confront a knife-wielding DK.

DK SMASH!

Mikey is back in his place, and things start moving along. DFV tells us that Mikey is worried that DK’s pork is going to end up dry. LOL! We can’t have that, now can we?!? Someone moisten this man’s pork!

Back in the red kitchen, things are totally under control. Well, they were until David managed to dump 5lbs of cooked bacon on the floor. Nice, Tebow. Way to “bring it.” Now there’s slippery, floppy pork all over the floor.

Next, we see Sharone telling us that there’s no way his team has enough sides. I mean, I’m not an expert on this shit, but 3 pans of taters for probably 300 people?!? No fucking way.

The marines come out and line up for their meal. As you’d expect, the Marines flock to the skirt steak, taters, and veggies, and away from the puff pastry.

As Sharone predicted, red team runs clean out of veggies and taters, and only has steak left. Gordie can’t believe it. Faruq Vader steps up and makes the announcement. The blue team steps up and is pumped, but FV totally Jedi mind tricks the Marines:

“You don’t want sides with your bbq steak.”

“I don’t want sides with my bbq steak.”

When all is said and done, red team fed a fucking ton more than blue team. The judges commend the blue team for not running out, but when you look at the stacks of trays, I mean, the blue team had way less opportunity to run out. Geez. Oh well. Regardless, the red team failed by running out of taters. The blue team wins because they didn’t run out.

Tracy is screaming uncontrollably, and I’m now hoping she’s off very, very soon.

Well, we’re on to the “pressure challenge,” which is just an “amazing” taste-test of Texas style chili. What makes a taste-test amazing? Well, the show doesn’t explain it, so I will. Nothing. Nothing makes a taste-test amazing.

There are 20 ingredients in the chili, and our contestants have to name as many as they can, and they get to keep guessing until they get one wrong. Whoever gets the least right loses. Gordie says “stunning” a-fucking-gain. TWICE! That’s literally like 12 times this episode.

So, basically we get nearly 20 minutes of people naming ingredients, which is super fucking boring, so I’m going to skip over all that and just give you some totals.

Whitney – 12

Faruq – 9

Jenna – 7

Slim – more than 7

Tebow – more than 7

Sharone – more than 7

We learn a few things. The major pitfall seems to be chili powder, which is somehow not in the damn chili. Jenna is from Texas, but somehow can only name 7 ingredients in Texas-style chili. Slim doesn’t like chili, which is another reason I can’t stand her. Also, Slim seems to think the meat in the chili is pork, because it feels like pork in her mouth. She’s clearly never had pork in her mouth. Buwahahahaha.

Jenna is sent home to her kids. We’re down to 11. Only 3 down in 2 fucking hours of TV. Ouch.

Well, here we are, at the “next week on” segment, so I leave you to spoil at your own risk. Until next week…