MasterChef: Porked!

Alright, so, another episode of MasterChef, and things almost went where I’d hoped it’d go. So close…again. But I’m getting ahead of myself, as I so often do. Alright, as you all remember…It’s-a Me, Mario got the axe last episode, and so we’re down to the final 9. We’re in the homestretch now, I guess. I keep expecting that one of these episodes there will actually be more than one person sent home, to make good on the “at least one of you” implication that it’s possible. But it doesn’t seem to be happening.

So here we are, again…there’s a mystery box, and someone gets a “critical” advantage. So…for the question you’ve all been waiting for…

WHAT’S IN THE FUCKIN’ BOX?!?!?

We’ve gotta be almost out of mystery boxes, right? The camera interviews the contestants during the countdown to lifting the box – Born Again Christian wants seafood (dude, the lobstrocities were just last week!), Derrick wants a tuna steak (getting a bit specific, no?), and Suzy wants baking ingredients, because she “can do dessert” (aside from the layer cake that almost got her ass sent home).

So, the boxes are lifted and…holy fuck.

Scallopstrocities.

I mean, shit y’all, these things are HUGE. Christian gets more annoying. Again. I can’t tell if he’s competing for MasterChef or MasterDouche with Suzy. They’re neck and neck.

So, our contestants are off to the races, with only 60 minutes to cook a stunning scallop dish. Half of the minichefs seem to be struggling with how they’re supposed to get the scallop free of the shell.

The judges congregate, and Bastage tells the others that if anyone serves them seared scallops with a fruit salad he’ll throw it back in their faces. So now I’m hoping for exactly this. FOOD FIIIIIIGHT!!!!!

And, of course, they talk about the devil in the box…this time it’s the bananas. Ben tells us he’s immediately drawn to the bananas. There’s a joke in there somewhere…

Now THAT’S what I call a $5 footlong, amirite?

So he decides to go with bananascallops or something. Now it’s time for the judges to make their rounds. Gordie asks Deathmetal Derrick who he thinks will be the next to leave. He says Suzy, because she always tries to overachieve and doesn’t focus. Man, I wish. Then Gordie points out that Derrick is pounding out his scallops…something that Gordie has never done ever. Which means it’s not what Derrick should be doing.

And then it’s time for this session’s MasterChef in-program advertisement. This time it’s for some pans, and Suzy is the one who has to stand there while Teddy talks about how awesomely non-stick these pans are. Sigh.

Then the camera gets to Christian, who’s again doing his best Suzy… “I hope I win this, because I haven’t won a box in a while, but I win everything else so it doesn’t matter.” This prompts Hooch to get some face-time with the camera to talk about how annoying Christian is.

Is it just me, or has Hooch actually grown fangs? And it appears that she’s back to matching her lipstick to her victims’ blood.

Gordie checks in on Hooch with about 30 minutes left, and she has no idea what she’s doing. She stumbles all over her words.

And somehow now we’re down to the last minute, and everyone is scrambling, and Suzy is talking about how great her dish looks, and everyone else is still scrambling, and Gordie is practicing his counting backwards from 10 for the next time he goes to the dentist, and now we’re at 00:00. So it’s time to see what’s happened thus far.

The first called to the stand is Christian, of course. He got his wish for seafood, and he made it count. The judges are impressed.

Second up is YoAdrien. He made scallops three ways, and as it turns out, the judges really like all three ways.

And lastly, the third dish…the third dish is Ben! They can’t believe they’re tasting the bananascallops, but they seem to like them as well. If nothing else, the verdict is that he took a huge risk and came through.

So, of course, there can be only one winner, so….congratulations goes to Adrien! Christian doesn’t take it so well. Oh well.

Next is the elimination test. There is a special guest today:

I feel like we’re watching Where are They Now:  Babe

So, Adrien’s huge advantage…is that there are 9 cuts of pork on a table, and he has the advantage of deciding who gets which part of the pig. So, of course, he tries to give the hardest to use cuts of pork to his least favorite people. Christian gets the pig cheeks, and Suzy gets pork belly. Deathmetal Derrick gets the St Louis style (read: shitty) ribs. Alejandra is jumping for joy because she got the loins. LOIN! LOIN!

Bastage refers to this challenge as Machiavellian. Congrats, yes, I guess in the strictest sense, that qualifies, but don’t you think that word is perhaps a bit…grandiose…for this show? The judges tell us that they’re pretty sure at least one of the people who got the St Louis Ribs, Pork Belly, or Pork Cheeks will be up for elimination. They’re not wrong, but I won’t spoil it yet.

Ben decides that with the pork butt, the only thing he has time for in an hour is chili. What?!? To me that seems like a disastrously short amount of time to make chili. But whatever.

The judges alternate between standing around and looking imposing and asking the minichefs if they know what they’re doing.

Bastage and Teddy have this nailed.

A lot of the minis are convinced that Born Again Christian is going to be the one sent home, based solely on the fact that he got the pork cheeks, and none of them have any idea how to cook them.

Suzy is attempting a spaetzle with the pork belly. Gordie asks why the german theme, and she tells him it’s because the Germans celebrate pork. Gordie shakes his head and walks off.

Ben pulls his chili out of the pressure cooker and takes a taste…and the beans are still crunchy! No kidding, Ben! Ben is scrambling to pick all the beans out of his chili before time runs out. The judges are all watching him in disbelief. And them time runs out.

Suzy tells us she knows she doesn’t have the best dish, but she’s really hoping that Hooch’s dish is worse, because “she’s just been getting by at this point.” Suzy, you do realize that everyone in America, whether they’re watching this show or not, wants you to lose, right?

So, first up for tasting is Derrick, and his “fuck you” ribs.

Does this make anyone else nostalgic for the Flinstones?

All three judges love it, and tell him as much. What he thought was his nemesis is actually his BFF! LOVE IT!

Next up is Hooch. Suzy tells us that Hooch’s dish is very simple, therefore she’s going to be eliminated. I find it hilarious that Suzy still hasn’t realized that her biggest weakness is that she tries too hard at everything. Teddy takes a bite and says it’s perfect…

Man, I love hating her. Look at that face. It just makes you want to punch it.

So after the judges are done throwing praise all over Hooch, Suzy tells us she wants to see Hooch cook pork belly, because until then…no respect. Firstly, Hooch’s dad cooks squirrel. I’m sure Hooch could handle pork belly. I’m just sayin’. Secondly, Suzy, fuck you. Just for being you.

And now it’s Suzy’s turn. Gordie takes one bite, asks her what the spice is in the sauce, and then tells her it’s the worst sauce he’s ever tasted in his entire fucking life. He also says “I have one word for that: (*!#@$*&!@#*!&&!@#&(^!(@&^!(@*&$^(&!@^#!@.” I couldn’t figure out what the one word was, because I don’t know any one word swears that last 2 full seconds.

At this point, do I really need to caption these? I swear, listening to Suzy cry about her misfortune is like listening to a serial rapist talk about how unfair it is that he contracted AIDS.

Gordie goes on to tell her it tastes like bits of dogshit stuck to little pieces of crap, which is probably my favorite line of the episode for many reasons. I mean, how can you differentiate which bits are dogshit and which are pieces of crap? That’s an awfully refined palate.

This show is called MasterChef, not DelusionalChef.

Next is Cammy. She made pork and sauerkraut. It, too, is hated by the judges. Cammy cries, Suzy sighs in relief, and Bastage throws her dish away before Teddy is subjected to the horror.

She asks Ben to promise he won’t let Christian win, but we don’t even know yet if Ben is going to survive the elimination. I mean, I guess if Cammy went home, he would. But regardless, it’s Ben’s turn. He runs up and tells the judges what went wrong and that he had to remove the beans from his chili. Bastage tells him that the few beans he missed were actually good, and the chili is fantastic. Gordie concurs. Ben done good. Now he can make sure Christian doesn’t win. Or die trying.

And next is Christian, with his pork cheeks. Unfortunately for us, he managed to do a great job with his cut of meat, and has impressed the hell out of the judges.

That’ll do, pig…that’ll do…

YoAdrien heads up next, and his dish is just kinda so-so. Which apparently is really a problem. I mean, he won’t be going home, so I’m sure he’s fine, but all of his new-found enemies are smirking behind his back. Oh well.

Next is Alejandra. She got the easiest cut…the pork loin. The one she was hoping for. And what happens?

She forgets to actually cook it, it seems.

So the judges all try to eat around the raw, squealing pork, but none of them can find anything nice to say, so they send her back. And now I have to hate Alejandra, because she saved Suzy’s bacon (get it?). Gordie does go off on a rant about how no one that’s left should be making these mistakes, after the three of them spent days on end eating shit food to get through the auditions…and he gives a shout-out to redneck sushi. Lol.

So, they’ve tasted everyone, and we all know which 3 are the bottom three. But first, the two winners. The two winners, and subsequent team captains, are Christian and Hooch.

I don’t know what Suzy has against Hooch. Or against, ya know, being fair. Suzy, all you should be concerned with is that your dish sucked fucking ass. Your sauce was worse than the white supremacist BBQ sauce.

So the three failures of the dishes were, of course, Cammy’s, Suzy’s, and Alejandra’s. And, as much as I want to see Suzy go home…uncooked food should probably just be automatic. Suzy blames Adrien. I want to just slap her. Christian got pork cheeks and kicked ass, and you got pork belly and suck ass. Maybe, just maybe, you shouldn’t be here.

So Cammy receives her judgement first. They tell her they’re very disappointed, yadda yadda, but that she’s not going home just yet.

This is Suzy’s 3-1=2 face. And by that I mean she’s trying to work out what percentage chance remains that she’ll stay (psst…it’s 50%)

At this point I was just praying for a 2fer, because we all know raw pork is not gonna get it done.

They ask Suzy to step forward.

“Why is it always meeeeeeeee?!?”

But then, they tell her she got lucky, because Alejandra fucked up so bad that they can’t send her home.

Christian is sad how his meticulous planning worked out, sending home harmless and sweet Alejandra. Oh well, dude. Sad stuff. Pick your balls up and get ready for next time.