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Tuesday, July 24, 2012
12:32 am
19 Comments
Tagged: angry cooking, cooking competition, funny, gordon ramsay, graham elliot, joe bastianich, recap, sarcastic, snarky, TV, tv gasm, Whitney Miller
Well, we saw Josh get sent home, and that was sad. I’m still kinda sore about the whole thing with the judges switching the teams up, but what can I do. I’ll just tune right back in for the next episode, obviously.
So, our minichefs walk on into the MasterChef kitchen, and lo and behold, there is a GIGANTIC mystery box. Bastage tells our contestants that it’s the fattest biggest mystery box in MasterChef history!
I mean, it’s so big, I feel like there should be air holes in it…
Bastage and Ramsay and Teddy see our minis quizzical looks and tell them they can’t wait to see what’s in the box, either. I mean, you could cut the suspense like butter.
They go on and on and on about how HUGE the box is, and there’s an obvious “your mom” joke in here that I’m too classy to make. The keep talking about it and we’re like “we know it’s the biggest box ever, but you’ve gotta tell us…”
WHAT’S IN THE FUCKIN’ BOX?!?!?
So, since everyone is in such suspense, they lift the box. WHAT COULD IT BE WHAT COULD IT BE?!?!?
Sparkly shoes….
Plus, I’ve always thought WH had a slight Judy Garland look to her…
Oh, crap, it’s the wicked witch of the ‘beetus!
Man, how I wish my Whitney was here. I’m pretty sure she could beat Paula Deen. Beautiful Rhino tells us he couldn’t be happier. “I love Paula Deen, I love Butter, I love Paula Deen with Butter.” Wait, what? What are trying to say, BR? Because it kinda sounds like…ya know what, I’m not gonna put that mental image in y’all’s minds. It’s not pretty. Not a bit…
Also, WannaHooch is full on choked up because of this.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m sure I’d love Paula Deen’s cooking, and would enjoy every bite of any recipe of hers that I prepared. However, I have enough pride to not eat a slice of toast that counts as “2 servings.”
And it gets a bit worse. Paula Deen tells them that her family is the most important thing to her, so she has a surprise for them. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking…the families were brought in for support. Silly you, MasterChef + Paula Deen don’t have THAT kind of a budget!!! So instead she arranged for the families to write a letter and send a picture. We get to hear like all of them. These guys are reading their letters and bawling their eyes out like they’re fucking soldiers off at war who haven’t seen their families in 2 years and have spent the last 3 months sleeping in the trenches. How long have they been gone? Honestly. And even if it’s been a few months, do they not have a phone? They’re trying to make us believe these guys are being treated like the jury for the OJ trial.
It’s so hard to be away from my family in this age of cell phones and video chat!!!
19 Comments
I can’t believe David dogded that one. He can thank Becky for her efforts at the end to at least put something on the plate. But Stacy really lost her composure, maybe she could have done it if she took a deep breath. Maybe she panicked, dunno. Christine didn’t, and from what we saw she did a good job with what she prepared.
I would have picked the teams like: BR/Becky, WH/Stacy, and Felix/Christine, But in that case I think Stacy would still have been the one going home. Felix proved she rocked asian food several times, so I’d have put her with the biggest “handicap” : somebody slow.
And I find it very stupid when one of them says “this one is my biggest competition”. Now appart from David, they all won as team leader and/or mystery boxes, they all have highs and lows, and to not recognise that is just plain silly.
And yay! you called Frank “Toaster”
Becky is so smug and juvenile and completely head cheerleader arrogant I just want her to trip up and lose. But she never will. I don’t care how good her recipes might be, I would not buy her book on principle alone. There. I feel slightly better now.
I can’t believe BR is still there. He has the luck of the devil. And I love how Monti, even with my issues with her, keeps rocking the challenges every time Becky or Felix snot, ‘Monti should go home, she’s not a cook!’ LOL Yeah, but she keeps doing amazing things even when she has no experience with the ingredient or technique, so suck it girls! I wouldn’t mind a Monti win just to spite them alone.
This show really brings out the bitch in me. I love it. A little embarrassed by my reactions to it all, but still…
The thing I hate about it though is the challenges keep sending home some of the best contenders and by pure luck keeping some of the annoyingly poor ones. It seems sad to me that Stacy went home when BR remains. And of course Becky is like a cockroach, she’ll outlive us all. Sigh.
Were those people really that starstruck over Paula effin’ Dean? They were squealing like 12-year-old fangirls meeting Justin Bieber. I know the producers put them up to it, but can’t the cooks just tell them, “Eff off. I ain’t wettin’ my pants for Paula Dean.”
Frank and Monti seem to be quite friendly, though. He claimed he put her with Felix because they’ve butted heads in the past and he couldn’t have known how easily she’d let Felix completely boss her around to get the plate assembled, but while people may claim Monti’s the weakest, the only person who had an issue with her personally seems to be Ryan, who was a cock, anyway.
Tali and she got along just fine once Ryan was gone, and even though they showed her and Josh yelling at each other during the restaurant challenge, they also showed them sharing a big hug afterwards, and her immediate willingness to say she sucked on the cowboy challenge and taking herself out of consideration for immunity stood her in good stead, too. It’s why when she defended Felix and told Becky she sucked almost as much as Monti it wasn’t necessarily seen as self-serving. Becky likely doesn’t like her that much, but Becky’s a preening, intransigent pain in the ass.
The only pair Frank clearly wanted to completely screw over were Becky and Dave and it would have worked if Stacy didn’t completely fall apart at the last minute. Whether Monti worked with Felix, Christine or Stacy, any one of those pairings was expected to work better than Becky and Dave.
Oh, I was praying that Becky listened to BR about soaking the nori, but she didn’t. (I’ve made tons of sushi rolls. You DON’T get nori wet while making rolls — if you do, it dissolves faster than toilet paper.)
I didn’t dislike Stacey, but she was definitely one of my “just there” contestants. Really, the only remaining one of those is BR. Everyone else is pretty much a contender at this point. (I never really thought Josh was a contender, honestly.)
What about Paula Deen’s diabetes and new health style? Is she over that already?!
I know! Soaking the nori! I used to make sushi for my husband for lunch until I decided I would have to leave him if I had to keep doing it. (I didn’t.) The last thing you want to do is get it wet. What a maroon!
God. Paula effing Deen. Watching her is like watching your grandmother have an orgasm. I just can’t with her. I’m all for sexy older people, but not in your face all ooky and…. ooky. Her fanbase mystifies me. The total Beatlemania of the contestants (on this and on Food Network Star) when they see her must be producer driven. Right? RIGHT? I mean, I think they were CRYING. Dear God. Ugh.
Yes, they were definitely crying. WH was, at least. Tragic. And I LOVE anything that is old-school southern food. You know, like how you never cook vegetables without meat (more often than not, ham) in the pot. How any time you make meat, you make a gravy from the drippings. How somehow your biscuits have a higher fat content than the main course. Man, I need some good southern food…stat! Tough to find up here…
/sadpanda.
And yeah, when I heard BR say to soak the nori…well, I got super excited because I actually KNEW something useful about food!!! FINALLY!
“Watching her is like watching your grandmother have an orgasm.”
And how would you know that?
I am DYING for good southern food. I lived south of Macon for 5 years as a kid. I’m going to eat until I pop when I come out to GA in September.
And you think it’s hard to find in Chicago, Dangerously? Try finding it in California.
Also, Andyourlittledogtoo, I assume your least favorite part about making sushi is the same as mine — making the friggin’ rice. I enjoy making the rolls (well, it doesn’t take a ton of time, by any extent), but making the rice sucks (even if you cook it with a rice cooker, it’s still a butt-ton of work)
I really think they have an idea of what challenges are coming up, because I couldn’t imagine 3 groups of people just “knowing” how to make sushi rice. It isn’t hard, but it isn’t something you know off the top of your head, either. (Heck, I know how to make my jerk chicken by heart, even with all of its ingredients. Sushi rice has like 4 ingredients, and I STILL need to look up the proportions).
What.is.in.the.box?
http://i922.photobucket.com/albums/ad66/Valback/Silly/Cat.gif
The rice thing confused me too. I was thinking maybe they gave the contestants the recipe for the rice under the table so we didn’t see it or they simply didn’t have them make the rice correctly for sushi because they were more interested in their ability to cut and portion and cook the rest of it and plate it correctly. I didn’t see anyone futzing with the rice other than to put it in the cooker and spread it out to cool it. So I think perhaps they just skipped the rice recipe and fudged that part because the audience would never know.
I used to watch Paula Deen when her FN show was new and she cooked very fattening but delish stuff and she was more subdued and wasn’t doing the horny grandma routine for the cameras and famewhoring her children onto the network. But I had to stop when I couldn’t take her tasting her food any more. She would take a bite and close her eyes and start moaning and umming and just acting like she was in some weird porno flick and that bugs the hell out of me when any of the FN cooks do that but when she did it she put so much umph into it was just very ooky to watch and hear. Like I said, go at it on your own time but I don’t want to hear you do the foodgasm on my TV. I don’t care how good it tastes it’s creepy.
So yeah. Watching grandma have an orgasm. I stand by that description. Gleck.
@andyourdog — I feel the same way about Rachel Ray. I liked her just fine on $40 a day, but when she was on her cooking show, she seemed to be having a bit TOO much fun when tasting her dishes. And I personally don’t want to see anyone that looks that much like Jack Nicholson make an “O” face.
LOL Oh Rachel Rachel Rachel. Interestingly enough, her last two years of 30 Minutes she’s been a little more subdued, which makes her more watchable, and her Week in A Day she is very subdued and much better. There is something about watching her chop vegetables that hypnotizes me and calms me down so even though I rarely want to eat what she cooks I am mesmerized by her chopping block. I cannot explain it.
I used to watch Robin Miller when she was on simply for the WTF factor and to see if I could ever detect any actual swallowing of the food. Never saw it, heard she always spit it out after the take. I am not entirely sure she is not an alien and has no actual understanding of Earth food or how it’s supposed to taste. Needless to say, she never did the ‘O’ thing, LOL.
@Dangerously…
I was out with my daughter last night (she just went through a bad breakup, but I told her “Why does he need ‘roids? He’s 28. There is no baseball scout checking for him. Long story)
Anyway we went to a small bar that I had opened, well “I” didn’t open it, like own it, but I managed it.
Lo and behold who did I see behind the bar, my friend Beth! Beth and I worked together in the same bar loooonnnggg time ago. She works part time as she just kicked out her no good cheater of a husband and was making ends meet.
Well her sister was in town from….Chicago! She works in the northern part of Chicago at a university in the HR department. She is very new and doesn’t know many people so I said, “Hey my friend (yes I called you my friend, you’re more of a buddy but I’m a girl and we don’t say “buddy”) Dangerrrrruhhh Dan (I”m not going to call you Dangerously to a girl that barely knows you) lives in Chicago and he doesn’t know many people, you guys should meet. He is very funny and is a writer.”
So I am adding my friend Beth to my Facebook thereby getting to know her sister and thereby I will be able to get to know her sister well enough to introduce you two vis a vis friendly chats and posting and voila! …I. have. a. plan.
Yes, yes, I am pushing boundaries all over the place. It’s ok though, I’m a meemaw.
PS…I loved your recap.
Watching grandma have an orgasm. I stand by that description. Gleck.
THAT’S the only Paula Deen I know. You say there was a period when she was not this randy, hot-to-trot meemaw? I saw parts of several epis of Paula’s Party, I believe it was called, for just a few minutes at a time, and I had to change the channel. She would have these chefs on, young enough to be her sons, and she acted like she was gonna jump them right then and there. It was really uncomfortable to watch, and the chefs looked a little freaked about it too.
@sheesh…that was quite the roundabout story…I was a bit concerned we might have to put you on the crazy train…nice job bringing it home
boundaries are meant to be pushed.
Yeah, Paul Deen used to be more normal and sedate in her cooking show, the original FN one not the Party one. She would just stand in the kitchen and talk about her life and make her food and it looked really good. But there was never a time that she did not do the foodgasm, that’s just the way she thinks her food looks like it tastes fantastic and it’s ALWAYS been hard to watch. But I would just try to ignore it because I liked what she cooked and it was only a tiny fraction of the show. Eventually I just couldn’t ignore it any more and only watched if I knew she was going to cook something I really wanted to see. And then she got that boyfriend/now husband and she started really ‘livening up’ and doing the horny grandma routine and shouting and just acting completely inappropriately with anything with a penis and I said I’m out! Seriously, I’m not a prude by any means but I hate the horny grandma thing some people think is so fun and liberal and enlightened. It’s not. It’s really not. But she clearly has a fan base and watching our little wannabe masterchiefs wet themselves over seeing her made me cringe. And if I know she is going to taste something I WILL change the channel.
Great recap!
Yeah, what is with Paula Deen and crying? I like her and enjoy watching her show, but I’m not getting why folks turn into teenyboppers around her. And now I have an image of her saying “Hey, y’all!!! I’m about to show you mah “O” face!!” Thanks, guys…
I am loathing Rhino and Becky – Rhino, because this is cooking competition, not a place for you to work out your “being picked last at basketball in high school” issues. And Becky, because she reminds me of Tracy Flick of the movie “Election” – nice facade. but there is a gleam in her eye that borders on satanic.