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AAAAAaaaaannnnnd we’re back. I’ve waited and waited for this moment, and after what seems like an eternity, it’s finally here…and after watching that first episode, I’m not sure I was quite ready…I feel like maybe someone spent too much time watching American Idol during the off-season. Every year, the auditioners get crazier and crazier, I guess, right? It’s just…to me, if you select 100 contestants out of “thousands of people,” they wouldn’t do this shit. Or maybe they just realize they got lucky and decide “fuck it, I’m riding a horse” is a perfectly reasonable way to go. Whatever, to each his own.
Also, seriously guys…SPOILER ALERT in the first 30 seconds of the show…don’t watch the intro if you want to be surprised. I mean…if you watch the show for the suspense of it. We both know you don’t…you watch it to see Gordie shit all over people. So I’ll say this. The chick in the Rick Vaughn glasses gets an apron. What? Don’t worry, I have plenty more to say about her when it’s that time.
So, what time is it? It’s time for
“Yeah, we get it…MasterChef looks a lot like MasterChief. The joke’s dead, r-tard…”
Yeah, well, if there are 15 seasons of MasterChef, there will be 15 recaps that begin with that picture. Just learn to live with it…
So after a minute or so of intro, we’re finally to the point where the judges tell us a bit about…life? MasterChefs? I’m not really sure. I’ve read better insights on the inside of condom wrappers, but that’s ok. Wasted oxygen is unacceptable, so I’ll recycle their nonsense into humor for you guys.
“To me, a MasterChef is constantly innovating, trying to do things with food no one would ever dream of.”
Teddy…I’m not sure there’s ANYTHING to do with food that you haven’t dreamt of.
“The hallmarks of a MasterChef are elegance, sophistication, and finesse.”
Funny, Joe…those are also the hallmarks of an upper east side hooker. Did your mom write that for you?
“A true MasterChef cooks every dish as if their life depends on it. A MasterChef puts perfection on every plate.”
Sadly, I’m sure some of these MasterChef contestants’ lives actually DO depend on it. How many of them do you think are knee-deep in payments for their John Deere riding mowers and above-ground pools?
Of course, anyone who makes it past the first round of auditions, which is actually the second round of auditions of course, will be put through a seemingly endless gauntlet of challenges. Apparently, they’ll cook for kings, and even a queen…er, remember what I said about John Deere above-ground pools?
(psst. Contestants. I’ll give you a hint. If you want to win her challenge, take ALL the butter from the pantry)
Ok, so it’s time to finally start the show, right? Well, not before Michael Bay sticks his grubby little fingers in it…
Isn’t this a bit…over the top? I mean, even for Fox?
Oh, wait, it’s still not time for it to start. We have to hear from random contestants. They have to tell all of us how excited they are. Oh, GODS, there’s a blind contestant this year!!! Please tell me the brought Ryan SeaQuest to high-five her!!!
Sadly, the blind contestant is NOT the one who accidentally shopped at Wal-Mart.
Seriously, can you imagine if Bastage saw that bag come in to the audition room? He’d shoot the guy on the spot.
Oh, good, finally, it’s time for our judges to meet the contestants. Gordie gives his now patented meth-amped speech. We get to see glimpses of the crowd. I’m already looking for my next Whitney. (Whitney Miller Whitney Miller Whitney Miller….dammit, google yourself already, you dirty girl!!!)
Ok, I just saw a latino fella wearing a cowboy hat and a t-shirt that read “El Bronco.” Words fail me.