So, they first show the crowd a quarter of a million dollars. It’s in $50 bills because if it was in $100’s…
I assure you…something gets lost in the translation…
Next up…there IS a cookbook deal this year! Teddy tells us that “even some of the most accomplished chefs in America don’t have one,” but the winner of this silly competition will!! Wait, people are cheering more for the cookbook than the $250k. Priorities, people.
And, lastly, Gordie tells them that there’s one final box! What’s under it should be the real reason all of them are there! I already feel bad for the blind chick. Like everyone else sees the money, then the cookbook, and she just has to wait patiently while everyone around her starts squealing and flinging their poo?
Anyway, Gordie lifts the box, and…!!!!
Oh, what the hell?!? It’s another box?!?!?
He stalls a little, before finally unlatching, and there’s climactic drums!! And OH I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!
WHAT’S IN THE FUCKIN’ BOX?!?!?!?!?
Oh man…oh man, sorry. Premature recapitulation…I swear that only happens always.
Seriously, guys. It’s a trophy. It’s a fucking giant glass dildo trophy.
It’s called “The Octagon.”
Seriously, it’s a cooking show. Does it have to be SO phallic? Why not a gold spatula or a crystal rolling pin?
Lastly, they remind everyone about the aprons…and how winning an apron is like when the Bachelor gives you a rose (they still do that, right?)….but Gordie warns them that once they put the apron on, their life will get harder than they could ever imagine. That’s…guys, it’s funny, my friend was JUST asking my what “hyperbole” meant.
Ok, I think I’ve gone a little crazy here. We haven’t even started the auditions yet, and I already have like 11 pictures and am more than a little drunk. Ok, alright, ok. It’s time.
Before we have even seen a single audition, I already hate one contestant. I’ve found Max 2.0. but he’s not our first contestant.
That would be this guy. What a surprise. He’s Asian and his parents don’t approve of him wanting to be a chef. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before…
So, Asian Michael comes in and I swear he tells the judges he’s from Boston, Texas. Maybe at Ithica University in Boston, Texas? Fine, maybe he said Austin…it’s not like it matters, anyways…
So, while poor Michael is trying to make his food, Gordie performs small talk on him. *rolls the dice* SMALL TALK HITS MICHAEL FOR 5 POINTS!!! What, nothing? Man you guys are going to be in for it when I actually DO write my Dragon*Con recap this year…
Gordie asks if he’s still in school. Freshman in college (at ITHICA?!?). Gordie asks if he has a girlfriend… turns out Michael is gay. So….boyfriend? Gordie…if you’re trying to hook him up with your kids, I think they’re a smidge young…Turns out Michael doesn’t have a boyfriend, either…as he puts it, he doesn’t believe in dating before high school. Welp, you’ve now had 5 years of “not before high school,” so I’m not sure where that philosophy factors in…
If Gordie is the Master of Hyperbole, Bastage is the Master of Tact. Of anti-tact. Negative tact? Master of Tactlessness! He’s that!
“Did you spring it on your parents on the same day? Like, ‘Dad, I want to be a cook, and I’m gay…by the way…’?”
Welp, here comes our first bad press of the season…
C’mon, Joe…one of those would be a WAY bigger shock to an Asian parent than the other.
“Son, you’re gay?” “Yeah…” “Well, ok, I guess professional violinist it is!”
“Son, you want to be a chef?” “Yeah!” “……………I don’t know you. Get off my lawn.”
They tell him he’s right to be himself, and be proud of it. So it’s going to be sad if after all that “You go boy!” stuff they just finished giving him, his food turns out to be disappointing. Thankfully, we’re not forced to endure that. Well, as with every year, the first contestant is through. Bastage tells him if he can cook other food like those dumplings he’s the lead pony.