MasterChef Recap: You Can’t See Flavor

Recaps

By Dangerously | Friday, June 8, 2012 | 12:00 pm | 23 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Master Chef, Recaps

So, they first show the crowd a quarter of a million dollars. It’s in $50 bills because if it was in $100’s…

I assure you…something gets lost in the translation…

Next up…there IS a cookbook deal this year! Teddy tells us that “even some of the most accomplished chefs in America don’t have one,” but the winner of this silly competition will!!  Wait, people are cheering more for the cookbook than the $250k. Priorities, people. 

And, lastly, Gordie tells them that there’s one final box! What’s under it should be the real reason all of them are there! I already feel bad for the blind chick. Like everyone else sees the money, then the cookbook, and she just has to wait patiently while everyone around her starts squealing and flinging their poo?

Anyway, Gordie lifts the box, and…!!!!

Oh, what the hell?!? It’s another box?!?!?

He stalls a little, before finally unlatching, and there’s climactic drums!! And OH I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!

WHAT’S IN THE FUCKIN’ BOX?!?!?!?!?

Oh man…oh man, sorry. Premature recapitulation…I swear that only happens always. 

Seriously. 

Seriously, guys. It’s a trophy. It’s a fucking giant glass dildo trophy. 

It’s called “The Octagon.” 

Seriously, it’s a cooking show. Does it have to be SO phallic? Why not a gold spatula or a crystal rolling pin? 

Lastly, they remind everyone about the aprons…and how winning an apron is like when the Bachelor gives you a rose (they still do that, right?)….but Gordie warns them that once they put the apron on, their life will get harder than they could ever imagine. That’s…guys, it’s funny, my friend was JUST asking my what “hyperbole” meant. 

Ok, I think I’ve gone a little crazy here. We haven’t even started the auditions yet, and I already have like 11 pictures and am more than a little drunk. Ok, alright, ok. It’s time. 

Before we have even seen a single audition, I already hate one contestant. I’ve found Max 2.0. but he’s not our first contestant. 

That would be this guy. What a surprise. He’s Asian and his parents don’t approve of him wanting to be a chef. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before…

So, Asian Michael comes in and I swear he tells the judges he’s from Boston, Texas. Maybe at Ithica University in Boston, Texas? Fine, maybe he said Austin…it’s not like it matters, anyways…

So, while poor Michael is trying to make his food, Gordie performs small talk on him. *rolls the dice* SMALL TALK HITS MICHAEL FOR 5 POINTS!!! What, nothing? Man you guys are going to be in for it when I actually DO write my Dragon*Con recap this year…

Gordie asks if he’s still in school. Freshman in college (at ITHICA?!?). Gordie asks if he has a girlfriend… turns out Michael is gay. So….boyfriend? Gordie…if you’re trying to hook him up with your kids, I think they’re a smidge young…Turns out Michael doesn’t have a boyfriend, either…as he puts it, he doesn’t believe in dating before high school. Welp, you’ve now had 5 years of “not before high school,” so I’m not sure where that philosophy factors in…

If Gordie is the Master of Hyperbole, Bastage is the Master of Tact. Of anti-tact. Negative tact? Master of Tactlessness! He’s that!

“Did you spring it on your parents on the same day? Like, ‘Dad, I want to be a cook, and I’m gay…by the way…’?”

Welp, here comes our first bad press of the season…

C’mon, Joe…one of those would be a WAY bigger shock to an Asian parent than the other. 

“Son, you’re gay?” “Yeah…” “Well, ok, I guess professional violinist it is!”

“Son, you want to be a chef?” “Yeah!” “……………I don’t know you. Get off my lawn.” 

They tell him he’s right to be himself, and be proud of it. So it’s going to be sad if after all that “You go boy!” stuff they just finished giving him, his food turns out to be disappointing. Thankfully, we’re not forced to endure that. Well, as with every year, the first contestant is through. Bastage tells him if he can cook other food like those dumplings he’s the lead pony. 

Pages: 1 2 3 4 5 6
Dangerously

Dangerously is a Southern boy misplaced in windy Chicago. He spends most of his time wandering around Chicago hoping for a random encounter with Graham Elliot...(I bet that guy gives the best hugs!).

23 Comments

  1. 1
    Flipit Flipit
    Posted June 8, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    HAH! Great work. So good to read you again. Missed you buddy.

  2. 2
    Mummy Butterfly
    Posted June 8, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    I love blind girl. (AND – Whitney, can we put Whitney on another show? OH! Let HER come on Hell’s Kitchen. Bet she could cook scallops and risotto correctly…)

    I kinda hope she does make it to the next round, but I am wondering what they’ll have to do to accommodate her, but that isn’t unfair to the other chefs. (Sort of reminds me of the deaf son on Amazing Race – there were certain tasks he couldn’t preform, but at least he had his teammate/Mom there to do the task.) She said she was blinded later in life, I wonder if she can read braille. At least braille signs in the pantry and at her personal station would be accommodating AND fair. Besides, she has her stick to whack people with to get them out of the way (wait – is that wrong of me to say?).

    I DVRed this episode and watched it back to back with the second one, so until I read the recap – I couldn’t remember where one episode ended and the second one started! Can’t wait to read the next one. Great recap! I love the pictures you picked!

  3. 3
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted June 8, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    I just finished the first page and am finding reading difficult to read because of the laugh-tears.

    Yay!!! Glad you are back when I’m no longer lurking.

    Hubbycat forbids me (good luck with that) to watch more than three GR shows in a week.

  4. 4
    smasha
    Posted June 8, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    Max 2.0 is a mega-douche. Glad someone else agrees with me.

  5. 5
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted June 8, 2012 at 3:16 pm

    Did you have to describe a contestant as a “person of interest?” Really?

    Otherwise, great recap…and to help you with the google: WHITNEY MILLER.

  6. 6
    Monti Carlo
    Posted June 8, 2012 at 6:57 pm

    Dear Dangerously,

    Your recap is HILARIOUS. Seriously!. My parent’s didn’t name me Monti PS. My first radio boss in Atlanta picked Monti ’cause no one can pronounce my real name (Mairym) and it stuck. Joan Cusack picked out my kid’s name when I was still all sorts of knocked up.

    Looking forward to more recaps. Out of all the one’s I’ve read I’ve liked your the best. Also who the hell is Rick Vaughn?

  7. 7
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted June 8, 2012 at 8:19 pm

    I haven’t read the recap yet but just want to ask you, Dangerously, “WHAT’S IN THE BOX??!!!!”

    Good to see you back. :)

  8. 8
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted June 8, 2012 at 9:41 pm

    Squeeeeee!! Page 2! You never let me down, Dangerously! :)

  9. 9
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted June 8, 2012 at 10:16 pm

    Okay, now I have to share a story of awfulness about my brother. (Dangerously made me do it.) When we were kids, my dad was 6’2″, like 270 lbs. Big guy. We were on vacation one time, hanging by the hotel pool, when my dad decided to go for a dive. He stripped off his shirt, exposing his massive belly, and prepped for his dive. All was quiet until my 10-yr old brother bellowed “Shamuuuuuuuuu!” just as my dad hit the water.

    Twenty years later, it still gives me the chuckles.

  10. 10
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted June 9, 2012 at 3:58 pm

    Hell yeah! Great recap. I adore all of the judges for varying reasons and am glad they’re back!

    Oh, and I was rooting for Max 1.0…sometimes the villain just kicks the most ass.

  11. 11
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted June 9, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    Oh Sarcassi, now we know about how old you are! I am just soooo immature.

    Monti! Another celeb in our midst! Yay!

  12. 12
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    Wait!! I said my brother was ten! I was much, much younger. As a matter of fact, maybe I wasn’t even born. I was a zygote!! Yeah, that’s it. This story was told to me by my relatives one Thanksgiving. The detail was so vivid, it was almost like I was there. Yep. That’s the story and I’m sticking to it. ;)

  13. 13
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    In my lifetime, only one Bush was president.

  14. 14
    maryedith
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    In my fantasy lifetime only one Bush was president.

  15. 15
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    Guys, in ALL our fantasy lifetimes only one Bush was president. Or none.

    And Sarcassy, I’ll bet you were an adorable little zygote, too.

  16. 16
    maryedith
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    That’s what I meant, snowshoecat.

    Billy, right? We’re on the same page here?

  17. 17
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 5:47 pm

    Neil, of course. He may have sunk an S&L but at least he’s affable. (I actually randomly met him at a cable show one year.) Because he may have been dumb as a brick but he was smart enough to know that stupid and mean are just a bad combination.

  18. 18
    Dangerously Dangerously
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 8:44 pm

    Wow, I’m so glad to see all of you back, and a few new faces too.

    Monti, if that’s really you, that’s quite flattering, but I hope you’re not expecting I go easy on you now…I’m equal opportunity =)

  19. 19
    Dangerously Dangerously
    Posted June 11, 2012 at 6:42 am

    Oh, also…Rick Vaughn…

    Rick Vaughn was an early Charlie Sheen character (and in my opinion, still his greatest role) in what is (again, in my opinion) one of the best sports movies ever made: Major League. If you’ve never seen it, I recommend you watch it. For science.

  20. 20
    ConfusedinCanada
    Posted June 11, 2012 at 7:09 am

    Did anyone else besides me flash back to “Danger Robinson Family Danger” LOL

  21. 21
    montibulltwang
    Posted June 16, 2012 at 1:55 am

    Uhmmm…Monti?? anyone ever watched the last season of Project Runway? Kenley Collins…???

  22. 22
    confused
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 6:09 pm

    I agree with montibulltwang. Monti looks just like Kenly Collins. Even their voices are similar. WEIRD

  23. 23
    mamabear
    Posted July 9, 2012 at 7:10 pm

    I know! I saw the same resemblance. If not the same person then a sib? I hear about families getting into the reality show venue all the time. Too similar not to be her.

Post a Comment

Your email is never published nor shared. Required fields are marked *

*
*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

Human Verification: In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.