Also, is it wrong that I want to hire Michael Cera to draw whiskers on his face with flour?
Ok, as you’d expect, next are some dismal failures. I mean, they’re so bad I can’t even bring myself to make a joke about raw pork…
So, thank goodness that’s over. I never understand how these people who clearly can’t cook for shit get to the 100 person round. Do you think maybe they’re lying about how many cooks try out? Maybe?
Ok, so next up is a single mom from LA. Her name is Monti. Monti Carlo. Her parents didn’t realize they spelled “Monti” inappropriately for the joke they were playing on her. She has a son, who’s 2, whose name is Danger. She tells us that “he’s gonna love [her] for that later, when he’s in college.” Oh, good parenting.
Personally, I’d have gone with “Dangerously.” I mean, you could actually probably get girls to wear t-shirts that read “I ride Dangerously.” Clever, right? If you say “no, you couldn’t,” I say “you obviously don’t remember college girls…”
Seriously, I think we’ve got Hooch 2.0. There’s a chance, though, that Hooch was the cleaned up Rick Vaughn, and this bitch is the crazy horn-rimmed glasses Rick Vaughn.
Also, she’s unemployed, so as she tells us, she’s on a tight budget. She has $50 in a bank account and a bulletin board in her “very tiny” home.
There are 2 “The Who” pins and a shitty drawing telling her to jump out of a tree…
The Who pins are where more branches would be. Do they represent owls?
This bitch be crazy. She’s making “Puerto Rican Shepard’s Pie.” TG says it’s a little sweet, but he loves it. Gordie says it desperately needed a sauce because it’s dry. Bastage tells her he doesn’t buy the whole “I’m a single-mom named Monti Carlo with a kid named Danger” shtick. Bold, Joe. Nobody tells a single mom that she’s lying. Not in this country. No way.
So, verdict time…TG says “I like the dish. I think it’s rich, and it’s complex…just like you.”
Rich?!? Have you even been listening to me, you heartless bastard?!?!?
So TG is a yes. Bastage says he doesn’t buy her shtick, and that she’s “faking it in the plate, too.” What does that even MEAN??? Joe, did something traumatizing happen to you last night? It’s down to Gordie…and…commercial!!!! Back from commercial…she goes straight Tebow on Ramsay, and he bites. She has an apron, and has probably cried all of her mascara onto it already.
So next. Next is a real mess for me.
Oh, COME ON!!!!! This is just…this is bad! High school girls…I keep gettin’ older…they stay the same age…
Seriously, if this chick gets through and I’m dealing with a Catholic schoolgirl for an extended period of time…things won’t go well. I’m getting too old for this shit.
Teddy is up for tasting first. Gordie tells her not to be afraid…he doesn’t bite, and he loves dessert. Good, episode one, someone makes fun of TG for being fat. Check.
So they all love her food, but there’s an issue. Bastage says yes, TG says no (what?!?), and it’s down to Gordie. The issue…she’s SO VERY YOUNG. I feel like this is the kind of shit 80’s musicians wrote songs about.
So, what the hell. Season 1. Whitney Miller is 22. She’s “too young,” almost doesn’t get through the audition because of her age alone, and wins the competition. Season 2, Nazi Max is 18, and never once does anyone say a thing about his age. Also there was that Indian guy who got cut in like the first day of not auditions. Season 3, Catholic Schoolgirl is 18…Gordie brings her whole family in (and her whole family tells him she’s good enough), and he says “nope, too young.”
OK, I’ve figured it out. Our judges are sexist.
I guess, on a side note, he did tell her she had a spot next year. Cool…ish?