MasterChef Recap: You Can’t See Flavor

Recaps

By Dangerously | Friday, June 8, 2012 | 12:00 pm | 23 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Master Chef, Recaps

Also, is it wrong that I want to hire Michael Cera to draw whiskers on his face with flour? 

Ok, as you’d expect, next are some dismal failures. I mean, they’re so bad I can’t even bring myself to make a joke about raw pork…

*snickers…*

So, thank goodness that’s over. I never understand how these people who clearly can’t cook for shit get to the 100 person round. Do you think maybe they’re lying about how many cooks try out? Maybe? 

Ok, so next up is a single mom from LA. Her name is Monti. Monti Carlo. Her parents didn’t realize they spelled “Monti” inappropriately for the joke they were playing on her. She has a son, who’s 2, whose name is Danger. She tells us that “he’s gonna love [her] for that later, when he’s in college.” Oh, good parenting. 

Personally, I’d have gone with “Dangerously.” I mean, you could actually probably get girls to wear t-shirts that read “I ride Dangerously.” Clever, right? If you say “no, you couldn’t,” I say “you obviously don’t remember college girls…” 

Seriously, I think we’ve got Hooch 2.0. There’s a chance, though, that Hooch was the cleaned up Rick Vaughn, and this bitch is the crazy horn-rimmed glasses Rick Vaughn. 

Also, she’s unemployed, so as she tells us, she’s on a tight budget. She has $50 in a bank account and a bulletin board in her “very tiny” home. 

There are 2 “The Who” pins and a shitty drawing telling her to jump out of a tree…

The Who pins are where more branches would be. Do they represent owls? 

This bitch be crazy. She’s making “Puerto Rican Shepard’s Pie.” TG says it’s a little sweet, but he loves it. Gordie says it desperately needed a sauce because it’s dry. Bastage tells her he doesn’t buy the whole “I’m a single-mom named Monti Carlo with a kid named Danger” shtick. Bold, Joe. Nobody tells a single mom that she’s lying. Not in this country. No way. 

So, verdict time…TG says “I like the dish. I think it’s rich, and it’s complex…just like you.” 

Rich?!? Have you even been listening to me, you heartless bastard?!?!?

So TG is a yes. Bastage says he doesn’t buy her shtick, and that she’s “faking it in the plate, too.” What does that even MEAN??? Joe, did something traumatizing happen to you last night? It’s down to Gordie…and…commercial!!!! Back from commercial…she goes straight Tebow on Ramsay, and he bites. She has an apron, and has probably cried all of her mascara onto it already. 

So next. Next is a real mess for me. 

Oh, COME ON!!!!! This is just…this is bad! High school girls…I keep gettin’ older…they stay the same age…

Seriously, if this chick gets through and I’m dealing with a Catholic schoolgirl for an extended period of time…things won’t go well. I’m getting too old for this shit. 

Teddy is up for tasting first. Gordie tells her not to be afraid…he doesn’t bite, and he loves dessert. Good, episode one, someone makes fun of TG for being fat. Check. 

So they all love her food, but there’s an issue. Bastage says yes, TG says no (what?!?), and it’s down to Gordie. The issue…she’s SO VERY YOUNG. I feel like this is the kind of shit 80’s musicians wrote songs about. 

So, what the hell. Season 1. Whitney Miller is 22. She’s “too young,” almost doesn’t get through the audition because of her age alone, and wins the competition. Season 2, Nazi Max is 18, and never once does anyone say a thing about his age. Also there was that Indian guy who got cut in like the first day of not auditions. Season 3, Catholic Schoolgirl is 18…Gordie brings her whole family in (and her whole family tells him she’s good enough), and he says “nope, too young.” 

OK, I’ve figured it out. Our judges are sexist. 

I guess, on a side note, he did tell her she had a spot next year. Cool…ish? 

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Dangerously

Dangerously is a Southern boy misplaced in windy Chicago. He spends most of his time wandering around Chicago hoping for a random encounter with Graham Elliot...(I bet that guy gives the best hugs!).

23 Comments

  1. 1
    Flipit Flipit
    Posted June 8, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    HAH! Great work. So good to read you again. Missed you buddy.

  2. 2
    Mummy Butterfly
    Posted June 8, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    I love blind girl. (AND – Whitney, can we put Whitney on another show? OH! Let HER come on Hell’s Kitchen. Bet she could cook scallops and risotto correctly…)

    I kinda hope she does make it to the next round, but I am wondering what they’ll have to do to accommodate her, but that isn’t unfair to the other chefs. (Sort of reminds me of the deaf son on Amazing Race – there were certain tasks he couldn’t preform, but at least he had his teammate/Mom there to do the task.) She said she was blinded later in life, I wonder if she can read braille. At least braille signs in the pantry and at her personal station would be accommodating AND fair. Besides, she has her stick to whack people with to get them out of the way (wait – is that wrong of me to say?).

    I DVRed this episode and watched it back to back with the second one, so until I read the recap – I couldn’t remember where one episode ended and the second one started! Can’t wait to read the next one. Great recap! I love the pictures you picked!

  3. 3
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted June 8, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    I just finished the first page and am finding reading difficult to read because of the laugh-tears.

    Yay!!! Glad you are back when I’m no longer lurking.

    Hubbycat forbids me (good luck with that) to watch more than three GR shows in a week.

  4. 4
    smasha
    Posted June 8, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    Max 2.0 is a mega-douche. Glad someone else agrees with me.

  5. 5
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted June 8, 2012 at 3:16 pm

    Did you have to describe a contestant as a “person of interest?” Really?

    Otherwise, great recap…and to help you with the google: WHITNEY MILLER.

  6. 6
    Monti Carlo
    Posted June 8, 2012 at 6:57 pm

    Dear Dangerously,

    Your recap is HILARIOUS. Seriously!. My parent’s didn’t name me Monti PS. My first radio boss in Atlanta picked Monti ’cause no one can pronounce my real name (Mairym) and it stuck. Joan Cusack picked out my kid’s name when I was still all sorts of knocked up.

    Looking forward to more recaps. Out of all the one’s I’ve read I’ve liked your the best. Also who the hell is Rick Vaughn?

  7. 7
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted June 8, 2012 at 8:19 pm

    I haven’t read the recap yet but just want to ask you, Dangerously, “WHAT’S IN THE BOX??!!!!”

    Good to see you back. :)

  8. 8
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted June 8, 2012 at 9:41 pm

    Squeeeeee!! Page 2! You never let me down, Dangerously! :)

  9. 9
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted June 8, 2012 at 10:16 pm

    Okay, now I have to share a story of awfulness about my brother. (Dangerously made me do it.) When we were kids, my dad was 6’2″, like 270 lbs. Big guy. We were on vacation one time, hanging by the hotel pool, when my dad decided to go for a dive. He stripped off his shirt, exposing his massive belly, and prepped for his dive. All was quiet until my 10-yr old brother bellowed “Shamuuuuuuuuu!” just as my dad hit the water.

    Twenty years later, it still gives me the chuckles.

  10. 10
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted June 9, 2012 at 3:58 pm

    Hell yeah! Great recap. I adore all of the judges for varying reasons and am glad they’re back!

    Oh, and I was rooting for Max 1.0…sometimes the villain just kicks the most ass.

  11. 11
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted June 9, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    Oh Sarcassi, now we know about how old you are! I am just soooo immature.

    Monti! Another celeb in our midst! Yay!

  12. 12
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    Wait!! I said my brother was ten! I was much, much younger. As a matter of fact, maybe I wasn’t even born. I was a zygote!! Yeah, that’s it. This story was told to me by my relatives one Thanksgiving. The detail was so vivid, it was almost like I was there. Yep. That’s the story and I’m sticking to it. ;)

  13. 13
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    In my lifetime, only one Bush was president.

  14. 14
    maryedith
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    In my fantasy lifetime only one Bush was president.

  15. 15
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    Guys, in ALL our fantasy lifetimes only one Bush was president. Or none.

    And Sarcassy, I’ll bet you were an adorable little zygote, too.

  16. 16
    maryedith
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    That’s what I meant, snowshoecat.

    Billy, right? We’re on the same page here?

  17. 17
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 5:47 pm

    Neil, of course. He may have sunk an S&L but at least he’s affable. (I actually randomly met him at a cable show one year.) Because he may have been dumb as a brick but he was smart enough to know that stupid and mean are just a bad combination.

  18. 18
    Dangerously Dangerously
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 8:44 pm

    Wow, I’m so glad to see all of you back, and a few new faces too.

    Monti, if that’s really you, that’s quite flattering, but I hope you’re not expecting I go easy on you now…I’m equal opportunity =)

  19. 19
    Dangerously Dangerously
    Posted June 11, 2012 at 6:42 am

    Oh, also…Rick Vaughn…

    Rick Vaughn was an early Charlie Sheen character (and in my opinion, still his greatest role) in what is (again, in my opinion) one of the best sports movies ever made: Major League. If you’ve never seen it, I recommend you watch it. For science.

  20. 20
    ConfusedinCanada
    Posted June 11, 2012 at 7:09 am

    Did anyone else besides me flash back to “Danger Robinson Family Danger” LOL

  21. 21
    montibulltwang
    Posted June 16, 2012 at 1:55 am

    Uhmmm…Monti?? anyone ever watched the last season of Project Runway? Kenley Collins…???

  22. 22
    confused
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 6:09 pm

    I agree with montibulltwang. Monti looks just like Kenly Collins. Even their voices are similar. WEIRD

  23. 23
    mamabear
    Posted July 9, 2012 at 7:10 pm

    I know! I saw the same resemblance. If not the same person then a sib? I hear about families getting into the reality show venue all the time. Too similar not to be her.

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