MasterChef Recap: You Can’t See Flavor

Recaps

By Dangerously | Friday, June 8, 2012 | 12:00 pm | 23 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Master Chef, Recaps

Ironically, she handles it with more grace than pretty much every other contestant that’s been sent home ever. 

She’s seen out by a lecherous look from a lecherous man…

And…now we’re at the point in the night where I find my villain. I mean, “he learned everything he knows about food from living in Manhattan’s upper east side…”

Come on, guys…it’s Nazi Max 2.0. I know about cooking because I get to eat good food!  I’m a privileged little toolbox!

Seriously, he tells us he used to spend $1000s a month on these fancy restaurants, and then he decided he could cook this food for himself. 

“I’m the flava elevata, I’m gonna keep raisin’ the bar, and then once we get to the top, I’m goin’ OVER the top, America!”

Hate to break it to ya, but you’re already over the top, kid. I don’t even…Ya know, I always prefer the younger folks in this competition (ahem Whitney Miller)…but not ALL of them. And definitely not this guy. And all this crap about “I grew up on pretentious food so I’m clearly better,” Whitney Miller grew up in mother fuckin’ Mississippi. I bet they didn’t even have a Ruby Tuesday’s in her town, and she won this shit! I LOVE YOU WHITNEY!!!! WHITNAAAAYY!!!! WHITNEY I LOVE YOU!!!

What the shit are those? Red zebra stripe pants?!?

Again, I’ll be perfectly honest with you guys. I’m about as close to Liz Lemon as anyone can get without being Tina Fey. My dinner tonight was hot dogs with cheese and a beer. I’m wearing flannel PJ pants that are a full size too big for me (and held up by the drawstring) and a white t-shirt. So when I talk shit about these people, it’s not because I think I’m more fashionable, or have a more sophisticated palate than them. It’s because I believe all of YOU do, and I’m catering to my wildly sophisticated audience. 

So, Flava Elevata struts into the room and tells them he’s cooking red wine braised short ribs and some other stuff. Too many other stuffs for me to care. Gordie asks him what he does for a living, and it turns out he’s been unemployed for the last year and a half. Not, as he assures Gordie, because he can’t FIND a job. Just because he can’t find something he actually wants to do…

Wait, he’s 26, and has been unemployed for a year and a half…and was spending “thousands of dollars” at Manhattan restaurants? Can you say “trust fund?” I take back what I said earlier…I AM better than this kid. This guy’s a fucking twat. I wish I could think of a way to combine “douche” and “twat,” but all I get is “touche,” and that’s not any good. 

He tells the judges that he recognizes that a lot of the contestants have a lot of skill, but they haven’t been working as hard as he’s been working…

 

Wait, did he just say…

You’ve been unemployed for 18 months…

Kid, you don’t know a GOT damn thing about hard work…

That doesn’t go over particularly well with the judges, and I can’t imagine it went over too well with much of our viewing audience, 10% or so of whom are statistically unemployed and CAN’T just go spend thousands of dollars at posh restaurants. 

Next, Gordie and co get a good laugh out of Flava Elevata using rings to make his presentation just perfect. It’s one thing when he uses it on solid food…but when he pours his SAUCE into a ring to “get it to fall out perfectly,” well, good grief. 

The judges basically tell him this is douchebag food.

The judges are right. 

Gordie tells him that he’s a bit of a pretentious prick, and that he’s never seen anything as stupid as ringing out the short rib sauce in all his life, and gives him a no. Unfortunately, though, his food is good enough for TG and Bastage. And I really mean “unfortunately.” You know, the worst thing about this…is that he’s basically the horrifying love child of Max and Suzy from last year. 

“I’m about to flava blast my way to the top!” Alright, Shooter McGavin…

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Dangerously

Dangerously is a Southern boy misplaced in windy Chicago. He spends most of his time wandering around Chicago hoping for a random encounter with Graham Elliot...(I bet that guy gives the best hugs!).

23 Comments

  1. 1
    Flipit Flipit
    Posted June 8, 2012 at 1:48 pm

    HAH! Great work. So good to read you again. Missed you buddy.

  2. 2
    Mummy Butterfly
    Posted June 8, 2012 at 2:12 pm

    I love blind girl. (AND – Whitney, can we put Whitney on another show? OH! Let HER come on Hell’s Kitchen. Bet she could cook scallops and risotto correctly…)

    I kinda hope she does make it to the next round, but I am wondering what they’ll have to do to accommodate her, but that isn’t unfair to the other chefs. (Sort of reminds me of the deaf son on Amazing Race – there were certain tasks he couldn’t preform, but at least he had his teammate/Mom there to do the task.) She said she was blinded later in life, I wonder if she can read braille. At least braille signs in the pantry and at her personal station would be accommodating AND fair. Besides, she has her stick to whack people with to get them out of the way (wait – is that wrong of me to say?).

    I DVRed this episode and watched it back to back with the second one, so until I read the recap – I couldn’t remember where one episode ended and the second one started! Can’t wait to read the next one. Great recap! I love the pictures you picked!

  3. 3
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted June 8, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    I just finished the first page and am finding reading difficult to read because of the laugh-tears.

    Yay!!! Glad you are back when I’m no longer lurking.

    Hubbycat forbids me (good luck with that) to watch more than three GR shows in a week.

  4. 4
    smasha
    Posted June 8, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    Max 2.0 is a mega-douche. Glad someone else agrees with me.

  5. 5
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted June 8, 2012 at 3:16 pm

    Did you have to describe a contestant as a “person of interest?” Really?

    Otherwise, great recap…and to help you with the google: WHITNEY MILLER.

  6. 6
    Monti Carlo
    Posted June 8, 2012 at 6:57 pm

    Dear Dangerously,

    Your recap is HILARIOUS. Seriously!. My parent’s didn’t name me Monti PS. My first radio boss in Atlanta picked Monti ’cause no one can pronounce my real name (Mairym) and it stuck. Joan Cusack picked out my kid’s name when I was still all sorts of knocked up.

    Looking forward to more recaps. Out of all the one’s I’ve read I’ve liked your the best. Also who the hell is Rick Vaughn?

  7. 7
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted June 8, 2012 at 8:19 pm

    I haven’t read the recap yet but just want to ask you, Dangerously, “WHAT’S IN THE BOX??!!!!”

    Good to see you back. :)

  8. 8
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted June 8, 2012 at 9:41 pm

    Squeeeeee!! Page 2! You never let me down, Dangerously! :)

  9. 9
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted June 8, 2012 at 10:16 pm

    Okay, now I have to share a story of awfulness about my brother. (Dangerously made me do it.) When we were kids, my dad was 6’2″, like 270 lbs. Big guy. We were on vacation one time, hanging by the hotel pool, when my dad decided to go for a dive. He stripped off his shirt, exposing his massive belly, and prepped for his dive. All was quiet until my 10-yr old brother bellowed “Shamuuuuuuuuu!” just as my dad hit the water.

    Twenty years later, it still gives me the chuckles.

  10. 10
    AmyOops AmyOops
    Posted June 9, 2012 at 3:58 pm

    Hell yeah! Great recap. I adore all of the judges for varying reasons and am glad they’re back!

    Oh, and I was rooting for Max 1.0…sometimes the villain just kicks the most ass.

  11. 11
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted June 9, 2012 at 5:11 pm

    Oh Sarcassi, now we know about how old you are! I am just soooo immature.

    Monti! Another celeb in our midst! Yay!

  12. 12
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 1:36 pm

    Wait!! I said my brother was ten! I was much, much younger. As a matter of fact, maybe I wasn’t even born. I was a zygote!! Yeah, that’s it. This story was told to me by my relatives one Thanksgiving. The detail was so vivid, it was almost like I was there. Yep. That’s the story and I’m sticking to it. ;)

  13. 13
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    In my lifetime, only one Bush was president.

  14. 14
    maryedith
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 2:29 pm

    In my fantasy lifetime only one Bush was president.

  15. 15
    snowshoecat snowshoecat
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    Guys, in ALL our fantasy lifetimes only one Bush was president. Or none.

    And Sarcassy, I’ll bet you were an adorable little zygote, too.

  16. 16
    maryedith
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    That’s what I meant, snowshoecat.

    Billy, right? We’re on the same page here?

  17. 17
    vallegirl vallegirl
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 5:47 pm

    Neil, of course. He may have sunk an S&L but at least he’s affable. (I actually randomly met him at a cable show one year.) Because he may have been dumb as a brick but he was smart enough to know that stupid and mean are just a bad combination.

  18. 18
    Dangerously Dangerously
    Posted June 10, 2012 at 8:44 pm

    Wow, I’m so glad to see all of you back, and a few new faces too.

    Monti, if that’s really you, that’s quite flattering, but I hope you’re not expecting I go easy on you now…I’m equal opportunity =)

  19. 19
    Dangerously Dangerously
    Posted June 11, 2012 at 6:42 am

    Oh, also…Rick Vaughn…

    Rick Vaughn was an early Charlie Sheen character (and in my opinion, still his greatest role) in what is (again, in my opinion) one of the best sports movies ever made: Major League. If you’ve never seen it, I recommend you watch it. For science.

  20. 20
    ConfusedinCanada
    Posted June 11, 2012 at 7:09 am

    Did anyone else besides me flash back to “Danger Robinson Family Danger” LOL

  21. 21
    montibulltwang
    Posted June 16, 2012 at 1:55 am

    Uhmmm…Monti?? anyone ever watched the last season of Project Runway? Kenley Collins…???

  22. 22
    confused
    Posted June 19, 2012 at 6:09 pm

    I agree with montibulltwang. Monti looks just like Kenly Collins. Even their voices are similar. WEIRD

  23. 23
    mamabear
    Posted July 9, 2012 at 7:10 pm

    I know! I saw the same resemblance. If not the same person then a sib? I hear about families getting into the reality show venue all the time. Too similar not to be her.

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