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Friday, June 8, 2012
12:00 pm
23 Comments
Tagged: cooking show, funny, gordon ramsay, graham elliot, joe bastianich, Master Chef, MasterChef, recap, snarky, TV, tv gasm
I can’t even make shit that stupid up.
Speaking of stupid shit I can’t make up…it’s time for a phenominal round of failues. We have a 60-something year old belly dancing instructor, a couple guys who think they can imitate other guys and don’t do a good job of it, a reasonably pretty 30 or so year old who opens with a british accent, a fat ex-cheerleader, and some other older lady who tells Gordie he’s “a spicy man” and then starts to cry…
The wanna be brit tells them she’s ready to take the criticism…Joe assures her “it’s comin’.”
Gordie makes the cheerleader spell “NO.”
The rest of them, we just see walk out sad.
Alright, back to another person of interest. Who…well…is moderately interesting, I suppose. I mean, this guy is taller than fuck.
“People always ask me ‘do you shoot hoops?’ and I’m like ‘nah, I shoot onions…into skillets.’”
I’m gonna go out on a limb and suggest that if he ever actually said that to anyone who asked him if he played ball…he’d get his ass kicked. He’d get his ass kicked by a short fat white guy like me, even.
He tells Bastage (after he asked, of course) that he hasn’t missed the boat on the NBA…he just wants to be a chef instead.
Has it occurred to anyone else that just because he’s a humongously tall black gentlemen doesn’t mean he’s NBA material? I mean, that might just be why he’d rather be a chef?
He makes shrimp etouffee, and apparently it’s really good. He gets three quick yes votes. TG teases him for crying a little.
Next up is Shami, from Zimbabwe. Or Seattle.
Shami? More like Shamu.
I’m…yeah, I’ll probably burn for that, huh?
Shamu waddles into the room, and presents a traditional Zimbabwean dish. Something with cornmeal, chicken curry, and collard greens in some kind of peanut butter sauce.
Teddy says he likes the spice. Joe performs his patented stare and slowly walk away move. Gordie says he tastes heart, but he isn’t really sold on the collards in peanut butter. She explains that in Zimbabwe, there’s not always meat readily available, so the PB is there for protein. Gordie counters with “you put meat on the plate here, so why did you stick with the PB??”
Well, then we go on to the judgement. Bastage says he sees her on the plate, and says “yes.”
Teddy comes back and says it really needs seasoning. TG, were you not listening to yourself when you said you really liked the spice?!?
TG passes it off to Gordie…and….she’s hoping for “Sham-WOW!,” but gets sent packing.
Next up is a montage of success stories, including a pair of pretty hot (I’m gonna say) Indian girls (give me a break, they were barely on the screen).
Yes, I can get behind this. FOX, listen up. I don’t think I’ll complain if you keep her around…
So long as we didn’t just admit two more Suzy Singhs…
Ok…so, success montage…followed by something. I’m not really sure what. Just…
What the fuck is this? I know black is a ‘slimming,’ color, but there’s only so much black in the world, and it’s not enough to make TG look like that…
Yeah…the lady made little cake…things? I don’t know. The little figure…things…destroy the cakes….but no matter, the cakes are delicious, and she gets an apron.
So, we’re at the end of the first day…there’s one final contestant, and guess what. Remember that guy last year that only had 3 fingers per hand. I think they’ve gone and one-upped that…
The final contestant is Christine, and she’s blind. Yes, to answer your question, “blind” means the same thing you remember it meaning. She can’t fucking see. She can’t see, and they’re giving her knives and fire. That seems to be the recipe for a trip to the emergency room.
She’s very confident…she set aside her thesis for this competition. Did she not watch last year? Oh…great, yeah…great. I’m…I’m already writing this from the hot place, so I guess I can’t get much worse, right? But, all joking aside, you can see the problem with this, right? If she gets an apron…oh, man, I said “see” again. It’s like when you’re trying really hard not to describe someone as black because you don’t want people to think you’re racist, and because you’re concentrating on not saying it so hard, you just blurt out “he’s the black guy!!!” I guess, on the up side, she won’t be reading this.
…….
23 Comments
HAH! Great work. So good to read you again. Missed you buddy.
I love blind girl. (AND – Whitney, can we put Whitney on another show? OH! Let HER come on Hell’s Kitchen. Bet she could cook scallops and risotto correctly…)
I kinda hope she does make it to the next round, but I am wondering what they’ll have to do to accommodate her, but that isn’t unfair to the other chefs. (Sort of reminds me of the deaf son on Amazing Race – there were certain tasks he couldn’t preform, but at least he had his teammate/Mom there to do the task.) She said she was blinded later in life, I wonder if she can read braille. At least braille signs in the pantry and at her personal station would be accommodating AND fair. Besides, she has her stick to whack people with to get them out of the way (wait – is that wrong of me to say?).
I DVRed this episode and watched it back to back with the second one, so until I read the recap – I couldn’t remember where one episode ended and the second one started! Can’t wait to read the next one. Great recap! I love the pictures you picked!
I just finished the first page and am finding reading difficult to read because of the laugh-tears.
Yay!!! Glad you are back when I’m no longer lurking.
Hubbycat forbids me (good luck with that) to watch more than three GR shows in a week.
Max 2.0 is a mega-douche. Glad someone else agrees with me.
Did you have to describe a contestant as a “person of interest?” Really?
Otherwise, great recap…and to help you with the google: WHITNEY MILLER.
Dear Dangerously,
Your recap is HILARIOUS. Seriously!. My parent’s didn’t name me Monti PS. My first radio boss in Atlanta picked Monti ’cause no one can pronounce my real name (Mairym) and it stuck. Joan Cusack picked out my kid’s name when I was still all sorts of knocked up.
Looking forward to more recaps. Out of all the one’s I’ve read I’ve liked your the best. Also who the hell is Rick Vaughn?
I haven’t read the recap yet but just want to ask you, Dangerously, “WHAT’S IN THE BOX??!!!!”
Good to see you back.
Squeeeeee!! Page 2! You never let me down, Dangerously!
Okay, now I have to share a story of awfulness about my brother. (Dangerously made me do it.) When we were kids, my dad was 6’2″, like 270 lbs. Big guy. We were on vacation one time, hanging by the hotel pool, when my dad decided to go for a dive. He stripped off his shirt, exposing his massive belly, and prepped for his dive. All was quiet until my 10-yr old brother bellowed “Shamuuuuuuuuu!” just as my dad hit the water.
Twenty years later, it still gives me the chuckles.
Hell yeah! Great recap. I adore all of the judges for varying reasons and am glad they’re back!
Oh, and I was rooting for Max 1.0…sometimes the villain just kicks the most ass.
Oh Sarcassi, now we know about how old you are! I am just soooo immature.
Monti! Another celeb in our midst! Yay!
Wait!! I said my brother was ten! I was much, much younger. As a matter of fact, maybe I wasn’t even born. I was a zygote!! Yeah, that’s it. This story was told to me by my relatives one Thanksgiving. The detail was so vivid, it was almost like I was there. Yep. That’s the story and I’m sticking to it.
In my lifetime, only one Bush was president.
In my fantasy lifetime only one Bush was president.
Guys, in ALL our fantasy lifetimes only one Bush was president. Or none.
And Sarcassy, I’ll bet you were an adorable little zygote, too.
That’s what I meant, snowshoecat.
Billy, right? We’re on the same page here?
Neil, of course. He may have sunk an S&L but at least he’s affable. (I actually randomly met him at a cable show one year.) Because he may have been dumb as a brick but he was smart enough to know that stupid and mean are just a bad combination.
Wow, I’m so glad to see all of you back, and a few new faces too.
Monti, if that’s really you, that’s quite flattering, but I hope you’re not expecting I go easy on you now…I’m equal opportunity =)
Oh, also…Rick Vaughn…
Rick Vaughn was an early Charlie Sheen character (and in my opinion, still his greatest role) in what is (again, in my opinion) one of the best sports movies ever made: Major League. If you’ve never seen it, I recommend you watch it. For science.
Did anyone else besides me flash back to “Danger Robinson Family Danger” LOL
Uhmmm…Monti?? anyone ever watched the last season of Project Runway? Kenley Collins…???
I agree with montibulltwang. Monti looks just like Kenly Collins. Even their voices are similar. WEIRD
I know! I saw the same resemblance. If not the same person then a sib? I hear about families getting into the reality show venue all the time. Too similar not to be her.