MasterChef: Rule 34. No exceptions.

Alright, guys, here we are. You know, the problem with the back-to-back night format is that I watch Monday’s episode, then Tuesday’s episode, then Wednesday I write the recap for Monday night, and this week, well…I really just want to skip Monday’s episode and write about Tuesday’s. Not that Monday’s was bad, mind you, but…well, you know. Tuesday’s was awesome. Sorry…no. Stunning. Tuesday’s was stunning.

So, without further ado…the minichefs march right on into the MasterChef kitchen, stand at their stations, and listen to the prattling of our judges. They remind the minis, and us, that last week another one bit the dust. RIP Zoidberg. If you hadn’t turned into such a colossal doucheface the last episode, you’d be missed. I still miss your voice. Anyways, the judges tell them that more contestants will be going home.

…just in case you were curious how we were going to choose the MasterChef, it’ll be the last one still here at the end.

So, as would be expected, we’re started off with another stunning

WHAT’S IN THE FUCKIN’ BOX?!?!?!?

Oh, mystery box, how I love thee. Without you, our judges would have more trouble reminding the viewers how vastly superior they are to the minichefs. So, on the count of three, the boxes are lifted. What’s underneath?!?

Rack of lamb, anyone?

So, under the box is lamb (from New Zealand), peaches, an egg, and some funny green thing that’s apparently a type of cauliflower but honest looks like some kind of depraved sex toy. Rule 34…I’m sure it’s out there somewhere. Look for it. Don’t share.

Apparently there are fava beans in there, too, but disappointingly no kidney or chianti. Shame.

And, just for good measure, there’s also some…

Now if I could just get my shake weight to pay for my cab fare…

Gordie tells them to cook their asses off, because the next round is another elimination test. Everyone looks surprised. I don’t know where they find these people. I have to just assume there’s a “SHOCKED!” sign in the masterchef kitchen in lieu of the standard “applause” sign. And Gordie reminds them, also, that the winner of this round gets a HUGE advantage.

AND GO!!!

Christian is still riding his high from the two episodes last week…one where he won a round and got to be a team captain, and the other where his team won the team challenge. He tells us he’s pretty sure he’ll be in the top three.

“I have no idea what this is.” Oh, I think ya do, Trabek. I think ya do…

She says it reminds her of a Christmas tree.

Moving on, YoAdrian has resurfaced out of nowhere. He’s using the pomegranate molasses as a glaze for the lamb. Gordie warns him that the shit is sweet, so he’d better keep it under control.

Derrick seems to have taken an unorthodox approach, and has removed the lamb meat from the rack and made a burger patty out of it…

That’s like taking a Bentley and crashing it into a wall…

Ouch.

They’ve basically ruled him out already. The judges reconvene to talk about how shitty the contestants are for dissembling the rack in general. Lots of Lamblipops and stuff…Gordie speaks up and lets the contestants know that there are only 35 minutes to go, and Esther (she’s not wearing a tank top today) has a moment…

I’ll have what she’s having…

Gordie stops by Suzy’s station and notices she’s not using the lamb. He tells her she’s taking a very big risk. She replies in her obnoxious way by saying “I’m having fun…I’m having fun in the kitchen.” No fuck you’re not. And when you’re shitty food doesn’t win again, you’ll be crying about how you’re not the team captain.

Graham stops by Cammy’s station with under 10 minutes to go, and asks if she’s planning on cooking the rest of the lamb. She says yes, and starts to cook it…the problem is, she wasn’t actually planning on it. Wuh-oh, there’s not a lot of time left. How do you think this is going to turn out?

So there’s the countdown from 10 to 0, and everyone dramatically throws their hands up and steps back from their cook stations.

Gordie starts off by telling everyone that one dish stood out from the rest…but for all the wrong reasons. And, not stunningly, it was Cammy’s. Why, you ask?

Maybe because the lamb is still bleating. And bleeding, too.

See what I did there? That’s clever wordplay. It’s better than foreplay.

Bastage chews her the hell out, and really rubs her nose in it to scare everyone else straight. Doesn’t work on Ben.

Alright, so, then, they call the three who didn’t fucking suck up to the front. First is Alejandra, and boy is her dish well received after the raw lamb. We get a moment with Tracy, who is REALLY channeling her inner Elliot Reid. She acts and sounds and even looks so much like Sarah Chalke that it’s a bit uncanny, and I love her again. But BatBoy YoAdrien! is the second name called. Joe describs the dish as fireworks on the palate. High praise. And, the third name called is Tracy! She got her wish! The judges also love her dish, but only one can win. Also, in case you were wondering, that was all three of the top three…

Suzy can clearly count to three…

I love the shots of her brooding. Nay, sulking. I also love how every time someone gets up to the front of the room and gets interviewed, they always make it a point to tell us that their strategy is to keep getting in the top 3. That’s a great strategy, guys. As John Madden loved to say, “the team with the most points at the end of the game wins!”

No fucking shit.

Post commercial, the winner is announced, and it’s YoAdrien! He gets a HUGE advantage. Unfortunately for him, it’s nowhere NEAR as huge as the advantage last week, where Born Again Christian didn’t have to fucking cook anything at all. That was so weak.

Anyways, the theme of the elimination round is dessert! Ugh, these challenges always suck. And the girls always win. Why? Because guys don’t generally have NEARLY as much of a sweet tooth. We just don’t. If you put a pound of pretzels and a cooler of beer in front of us, we’ll be set for the next…four hours or so. But the only time I’ve wandered around town for nearly an hour for cupcakes (or ice cream, or donuts, or whatever) is when I was being dragged. I did learn a valuable lesson from all that, though…when a lady says “I want a cupcake, let’s go find a bakery,” the appropriate response is never “there aren’t any bakeries around here.” Nor is it “bah, let’s just go grab a beer, you’ll forget all about that cupcake.” And, lastly, it is most CERTAINLY not “by cupcake, you mean sex, right?” No…the correct response is to whip out your smart-phone and say, “Let me see what I can do.”

Profit.

Also learned…if you’re lucky enough to live in a city that has a Sprinkles Cupcakes…it’s 100% worth it. Holy fuck. But I’ll still take my pretzels and beer…

So, Adrien’s advantage is twofold. He get to choose an ingredient for himself…and then a different one for the rest of the folks. There are only three total choices. Coffee, pineapple, and nuts.

Adrien tells us his advantage is kind of like a Catch-22, because no matter what he picks, someone will hate him for it.

Uh, dude. No. Calling something a “Catch-22” is like calling something “ironic,” or using the word “whom.” ONLY DO IT IF YOU’RE FUCKING SURE. Otherwise you sound like an asshole trying to sound smart but failing. Unless you’re doing it ironically. Then, depending on how you’re dressed, people will either think you’re funny or a total fucking asshole. My point is, this is not a catch-22. I think “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” better applies. But I digress.

The judges walk back out and announce the next challenge to the rest of the group…

As she does before every challenge, Suzy tells us she’s in a great position to win.

Seriously, FOX, can we tone that down just a bitch? BIT! BIT! SORRY!! Can we tone it down a bit?

Nazi Max, on the other hand, is nervous about the dessert theme…

So, what does Adrien choose? Well, for himself? He chooses nuts!

And, unfortunately…right as I get excited because I get to make nuts jokes…Ramsay asks if anyone is jealous of Adrien’s nuts. Suzy laughs the hardest.

FUCK YOU RAMSAY!!! I’m supposed to be the funny one!! Pretty soon TVGasm will be replacing me with a robot! Fucking thanks!

And for the rest of the crew?!? COFFEE. Well, no shit, saw that coming. Some people are scared. Some are excited. All want Adrien’s nuts.

They get a 5 minute pantry raid, and then 90 minutes to cook. Alvin hauls ass past everyone to get to the pantry first. Who’s Alvin? You’ll know soon enough. So, the camera starts whizzing around interviewing everyone…

“I cook a lot of desserts, but really I only make cookies. I’m making a coffee cheesecake”

What? That sounds like MasterChef suicide.

Alvin tells us that baking is really just chemistry, and boy-howdy does he know chemistry. He then tells us, as well, that in the back of his mind he sees himself making it to the finals, if not winning it all. The judges confer, and decide that Tracy and Alvin are probably two of the frontrunners for this challenge.

Bastage and Teddy stop by Alvin’s station, and Alvin tells them he’s making beignets with a coffee filling and science science science. Bastage thinks he’s crazy, and TG tells Alvin to make a believer out of Bastage!

“You’ve got a little something on your nose…”

No, Gordie isn’t talking to Suzy, but Nazi Max, who apparently has cream all over his face. INSERT JOKE HERE LOL!

Down to 30 minutes left, and so people are starting to rush. Drunk Christine still hasn’t started baking her pastries. Now Alvin and Christine are in Gordie’s potential bottom three.

Christine’s tarts aren’t even CLOSE to being ready…they’re like soup. She decides to scrap them and start over! With 6 minutes left, she realizes she has eggs, sugar, and coffee filling + melted chocolate! She decides to make a coffee mousse! Also, I think I prefer the tank top on Esther.

I think that lipstick shade is “Drunken Tramp Pink.” Yeeek.

Countdown! 10, 9, 8, you get it, 0!!! Everyone finishes their deserts and steps back!

So, now comes judgement time! YoAdrien is first on the block. He made a chocolate torte with a nut filling, and nuts on the top. The judges all basically say the same thing. First, it’s a chocolate dessert, not a nut dessert. Also, secondly, he apparently used every single type of nut available.

Second up is Christine. Her mousse is definitely good enough to be not in the bottom 3. Gordie tells her she should wait til the final 5 minutes to start working on her dishes every time.

Third is Nazi Max.

Dude, you’re walking like a wanker.

Seriously, I’m starting to think he had someone coaching him on how to be a twat. Max tells us that he thinks he’s in strong contention, and that the judges will be impressed. His dessert consists of 15 crepes smushed together in a stack. Gordie describes it as if he just went to the doctor for a skin graft on his butt, and sunk it in caramel. Teddy tries to take a bite, but the judges can’t stop laughing. Teddy tells him to be afraid…very afraid.

Fourth is Alejandra. Bastage tells her that it’s almost like she didn’t finish cooking it. She gets crapped on by all three judges.

Fifth is Jennie Kellie. Her tart didn’t cook all the way through. Also not a big hit with the judges. Understandable. Gordie spits his bite into the napkin, and tells her that if she’d had any sense she’d have “staged a trip-up” and smashed the plate on the way up.

That’s five thus far, and four have been terrible…and the one that wasn’t was whipped together by a crazy drunk bitch in about 5 minutes!

Obligatory Gordie cursing picture.

Sixth is Tracy. She’s made an espresso flourless chocolate cake. Finally, someone did something right!

Seventh is Esther. Her coffee cheesecake is a huge hit, too! Gordie uses the buzzword “wow-factor” on the second straight dessert!

Eighth is Suzy. She’s very pleased with herself again. Teddy tells her she did well.

Cammy is 9th. She made a coffee creme brulee. Also a big hit.

Then there’s Alvin. He’s the last contestant. Sigh. They skipped 5 people.

On his way up, we get a moment with Suzy. Wait, what?!? Suzy tells us how incredible Alvin is. I appreciate that she talks about him like he’s in middle school or “special needs” or something, despite the fact that he’s a year older than she is. She LOVES him, and talks about how smart and creative he is in the kitchen. KISS OF DEATH OH NOES!!!!

And, as you may expect…Alvin’s dessert is not a hit. Teddy tells him that his dessert gives what TG does day in and day out a bad name. Science for the sake of science is no good, Alvin.

So, before the bottom three comes the announcement of the top two. Who are they? Well, the first one is Esther! She’s stunned! As of right now, I’m actually starting to like her. I did not at first, but this episode I do, so I’m happy. The second winning dessert belongs to Tracy. She seems less stunned.

“Tracy is not going home today…no-o-o-o-o-o-o-ot today, people!”

Seriously, when she busted that out all I could hear was Michael Cera from Superbad. Can’t find the clip I want. Sorry guys. It’s making me laugh, but I can’t share…By-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-e!!

So Esther and Tracy are the two captains for the next event.

So, the three worst dishes are:

Ouch.

Well, as you’ve probably already guessed based on Suzie’s kiss of death, the person going home is….ALVIN! Everyone starts crying! The judges are baffled. It probably has something to do with the fact that we don’t see nearly enough of the interaction between the characters, and we NEVER saw Alvin, so I don’t know why we’re supposed to feel sad.

And on a final note…Nazi Max had the line of the evening…

“Even though my dessert was flawed, at least it was a true dish, without chemicals and chemistry and wizardry.”

WIZARDRY!

Avada Kedavra, Nazi Max! Avada Kedavra.