MasterChef: SausageFest!!!

Well, this one’s a doozy. It left me with some confusing and mixed feelings, I won’t lie. But, rather than starting with the punch-(you’ll get that joke later)-line and working backwards, I’ll tell this story like it’s meant to be told…from the top.

So, all our remaining minichefs meet out on a beach somewhere in SoCal. I love how this is positioned in the show. Like they just woke up on the beach and aren’t sure why they’re there, or even how they got there. It’s like LOST minus the plane crash. And with slightly better acting. Just sayin’…

Anyways, the 14 remaining contestants are wandering along the beach, and we get a bunch of interviews with various minis. Ben tells us how much he’s missed nature during the competition. Seriously, how long are we expected to believe that these guys have been locked inside the MasterChef facility? Drunk Christine loves the beach, and is thrilled to be there. And then, there’s Nazi Max. Max doesn’t like the beach…he says it’s boring…

I don’t like sand…it’s coarse and rough and irritating…and it gets everywhere. Not like here. Here everything is soft…and smooth…

So Maxakin Skynazi hates the beach, which just further goes to confirm where his eternal soul will end up once he’s done with this world.

I love that they’re letting the contestants narrate their whole adventure. Tracy tells us that the make the trek up this little dirt path, and “at the top of that dirt path is literally picnic tables, a Harley, and some food trucks,” and thanks to that, the pieces are finally falling into place. It seems like they didn’t realize this was going to be a cooking competition. Also, Tracy seems to say “literally” a lot, and while yes…she did use it correctly here, it’s kind of unnecessary. Ya know, you use “literally” when you say “he literally fell over laughing,” or “the wind literally blew me over,” or “Max is literally an 18 year old twat.”

And then, just as our contestants are realizing that this is a team challenge, and at least a couple of them have realized where they are, we hear the sound of motorcycles in the distance. I feel like things are about to get very Black Rain up in here…

Tell me, can you spot which one is Teddy Graham?

And, if you’ll notice, there are only two of them. So where’s Bastage? Oh, he got sidetracked…

…filming a remake of Peewee’s Big Adventure.

See, it’s not fair to me when the show makes my jokes before I get to. YoAdrien refers to it as a Peewee Herman Vespa. Seriously, last episode they stole my nuts jokes from me, this time they preempt my Peewee joke…

So everyone has a good laugh, and now it’s down to business. You may have already put two and two together here, but the “beach” that they were dropped off on edges up to the Pacific Coast Highway, which I hear is a lovely place for a bike ride. Not the kind you pedal, c’mon guys, keep up! In 90 minutes, 101 bikers will be stopping in, and the challenge is for each and everyone one of a hearty sausage sandwich.

Even Teddy can’t say that with a straight face.

Seriously, hearty sausage sandwiches? All I can think of is Harold and Kumar 2 and the cock meat sandwiches.

So Gordie lays it out for them. Each team must feed each biker a sausage sandwich with an amazing topping, and the bikers will vote for their favorite by revving the blue or red handle on this prop bike that’s linked to a scoreboard. The losing team will face another pressure test. So, it’s time to pick teams…remember, our captains are Tracy and MichRod.

Tracy gets first pick, and she tells Gordie she’s picking this person because of her amazing flavor profiles. Suzy beams. Tracy picks Alejandra. MichRod picks Derrick because he knows how to make a sausage. The fact that you’re still calling it that tells me you’re not ready…

Hilariously, look at the last 4 to be picked…notice anything?

Suzy and Max, no one likes you!

Also, after Giuseppe’s pizza failure, his stock has never been lower. And Drunk Christine is, well, probably drunk.

Suzy is picked first from this remaining group, or 9th overall. She tells us she’s stunned she wasn’t picked earlier, because she is “a great asset.” Oh, Suzy…SO close. You are “a great ass.” FTFY.

Max is picked dead last. He tells us that he doesn’t give a fuck, and that he needs to prove himself so that these other scumbags don’t discount him. Wait, aren’t you a bit young to be calling people “scumbags?” Who uses that word? I mean, outside of politics, at least. Scumbags. HA!

MichRod tells us that she’d rather have not gotten stuck with Nazi Max, but hopefully she can keep him in check. Oh, this will be interesting…

The gun goes off, and everyone is off to the races. Just like last time, one team has their shit immediately under control, and the other is led by committee (which, if you’ve ever done any team anything ever, you know means “is a shitstorm”). Tracy’s team settles on Italian sausage with a sweet onion and pepper topping.

MichRod’s team decides on a spicy pork sausage. For their topping, they’re planning on an avocado cream sauce. Ben jumps in and asks if they really think the bikers will be cool with an avocado cream sauce. Guys, seriously, the fact that Ben, of all people, had to call that out for you has me very worried.

Guys, these are BIKERS!!! They want BEER, BEER, BEER!!!!

Guess I’m a biker, too, and never knew it. So they decide to soak the sausage in beer, and making drunken onions for the topping.

Both teams are confident, but the red team seems more so. Drunk Christine seems very please with all the beer they’re adding to the sausage sandwich, and Deathmetal Derrick tells us he knows exactly wtf he’s doing.

To mix things up, Tracy decides to go all executive order on the blue team, and changes their topping to a sweet caramelized onion, and not use green peppers. She says she thinks the peppers/onions topping was too basic. That makes no sense to me…remember, they’re serving bikers, not Bastages.

This is the part where things start to go downhill. For the red team, MichRod runs back into the truck and yells “just keep working” over her shoulder. Max takes the opportunity to make a joke.

“Spoken like a true dictator…”

I’m thinking it’s because she’s Korean and the leader of the red team. Does anyone else find that combination funny? She is being rather obnoxious, though, running all fucking over the place yelling at everyone. Just when I was starting to actually kind of like her tank-top wearing ass. Well, I guess the issue is that she’s no longer wearing a tank-top.

Seriously, I think what people are wearing has a pretty profound effect on their attitude. In college, one of the assistant directors of the marching band (have I told you I’m a band geek?) used to occasionally wear sweater vests…I guess because there was a narrow cold front coming through. Anyways, every time he was wearing non-sweater-vest attire, he was totally cool and hilarious and everyone liked him. Every time he wore his gorram sweater vests, though, he was a raging douchehead, and we couldn’t stand him.

Blue team, having learned their lessons in the past, decides to taste the sausage prior to casing it. They are please with the results, so off the go.

Jack is stuck on the sausage machine. Will you help Jack off the sausage machine?

Seriously, there are too many penis jokes to go around for this recap. Drunk Christine explains the science behind loading the casing onto the sausage machine. She says you gotta put it on slowly, without breaking it, like a condom.

Also, no one thinks you’re cool if you do it with your mouth, because you’re what, 30?

The red team is feeling pretty good about themselves, and then Gordie stops by. Gordie points out that their sausages are huuuuuge, and there is a such thing as too big. Whew, that’s a relief to hear. Gordie is really concerned with the texture of the sausage, which, apparently is a bigger deal than even the size. Ok, just assume that every time I say “sausage” I mean “penis,” and this will be easier on both of us.

Ben tells us that Gordie’s concern with the sausage’s texture has them worried, too, so they toss one on the grill to cook it up and get a good mouth-feel of the sausage. Shit like this *has* to be scripted. Gordie tells us it’s like barbecued dogshit. So now the red team has to start over, with only 45 minutes left. They start over, and in a matter of moments they have what they feel is a solid sausage with a great mouth-feel.

Back to the blue team, who are rockin’ and rollin’ with the sausages. Bastage and TG taste their sweet caramelized onions, and both of them tell Suzy that they’re too sweet. Suzy, being Suzy, decides she doesn’t want to listen to them, because she thinks they taste really good. Maybe they do, but there’s a difference between “tastes really good” and “tastes really good on a sausage.” Ice cream tastes really good, but not on a hot Italian sausage. Maybe she just doesn’t get that…

Then again, based on how she acts, I’d wager Suzy hasn’t had a sausage in a very long time…hot Italian or otherwise.

Back on the red team, YoAdrien has the toppings under control.

The blue team is 60 sausages deep (in a ROW?!?), but the red team is having more sausage problems. Max and Christine are having that classic argument…It’s too tight, it’s coming out too fast, you can’t force it, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR BIG TOE? DO YOU THINK THAT FEELS GOOD?!?!

Anyways, the sausages are packed too tight, and they’re exploding! This is why you can’t hire Dominicans to roll your crepes! Gordie shows them the sausages on the grill, and it’s not pretty. Everyone is blaming Drunk Christine because she’s packing them so tight and the casing is exploding. Welp, guess that explains how she ended up with a kid, huh?

With 10 minutes left, the red team can’t get the sausage under control, so they decide to pull the goalie and just make sausage patties. The judges tell us that MichRod is crumbling under the pressure, and that the blue team is working like a well-oiled machine.

And, just then, the bikers show up.

Hungry, Hungry Bikers…

So the blue team is handing out sausages like crazy, while the red team is making the bikers wait.

Bastage starts taking exit polls (with all this sausage talk I actually wrote “exit poles” before I realized that was wrong), and early on, despite the red team having trouble keeping up, they’re out to an early lead. The blue team can’t understand how they’re not in the lead, because they don’t seem to understand that just because you’re going through the motions correctly doesn’t mean the finished product will be something people want. Sickeningly sweet onions on a sausage sandwich doesn’t sound very biker friendly.

Red is up 18-9, and then Bastage stops by to tell the blue team that they’re sausages are too sweet. The classic MasterChef team challenge u-turn. They add banana peppers to the onions to fix the problem, and suddenly the blue team starts getting votes, and now it’s 19-19. And then shit really goes south. And by that, I mean that red team gets destroyed. But, just for dramatic flair, I think the judges start paying the bikers to vote red and keep it close.

The blue team wins by a final score of 51-41. Blue celebrates like crazy people, and Gordie tells the red team they’ve got a pressure test coming up next. MichRod tells us the problem was that they couldn’t get the sausages cased. Nazi Max tells us that MichRod is to blame, because she’s the captain. Funny, it was an entirely different tune he was singing last week when he was the captain of the losing team.

Remember this image. Remember it well, for soon there will be stabbity.

The bikers ride off into the sunset, and back at the MasterChef kitchen, the red team is walking in to their pressure test, all wearing their black aprons. Gordie tells them they lost the challenge by cooking the “weakest links.” Oh, Gordie, you dog.

So, apparently there wasn’t enough Suzy/Max drama this week, so Gordie throws a wrench in the plans. He tells them that this pressure test is different from the others, because only 2 of the contestants will be competing. Wow. And then, to really mess everything up, he makes MichRod choose who the two will be, based on who she thought were the weakest two.

Ben thinks that’s a terrible idea, because it’s just going to exacerbate the tensions on the team. Poor MichRod can’t believe she has to do this, and Gordie gets mad and tells her it was a very straightforward question. She tells him that Nazi Max and Drunk Christine were the two weakest. Neither of them are happy about it.

Gordie sends everyone but Nazi Max, Drunk Christine, and MichRod up to join the blue team in the safety of the balcony. He then asks MichRod if, as captain, she’s prepared to switch with either of the two she called out and be a part of the pressure test, or if she can walk up the stairs with a clear conscience.

What’s it gonna be? Is this a brave, last look at the people she’s afraid she’ll never see again, or a decisive “I’m going the fuck upstairs” glance.

I mean, I know what I’d do. This show, as was proven by Whitney (<3) last year, is about lasting until the end. But boy howdy, it’d be pretty epic if she swapped places with Drunk Christine and took Nazi Max to school. Wishes are not granted, here. MichRod, unlike her namesake who always heroically dies in every movie ever, takes the safe way out and walks upstairs. Christine laughs.

Gordie tells them that only one of the two is going home, so don’t give up. Drunk Christine replies “Oh, I’m not. I’m a fighter, I’m a fuckin’ fighter, so don’t fuck with me.”

Man, Hooch is CRAZY!

Yeah, there’s a whole 6 minutes of Hooch for your enjoyment. Enjoy it.

Whew, you’re back. I was afraid I’d lost you!

Nazi Max tells us Hooch is crazy, and while he’s upset, too…well, he can put that aside and focus on the task at hand.

The theme of this pressure test is…Fillet Mignon. Christine loses her mind at this point…

She’s shadow boxing…remember when I told you you’d get my punchline joke later on? Now is that later on…

Man, Hooch is crazy…

She is very confident that she can cook steak better than Max. Max says we’ll see what happens, but she writes him off because he’s a New Yorker. And a Nazi.

Hooch really is crazy!

So, each mini gets three fillets. They have to cook these steaks three ways. Rare, Medium, and Well Done.

They get going, and immediately Hooch is slamming shit around, actin’ crazy. She keeps looking up at the balcony, no doubt trying to fry MichRod with fricken’ laser beams from her eyes or something, but alas, she’s not Scott Summers. Which is too bad, because laser beams would really liven this show up a bit.

People from the balcony are cheering for Hooch, and she basically tells them to STFU. Max asks the judges to get them wine so they shut up. Nazi Max tells us everyone is rooting against him because they see him as a threat, and he’s really dangerous in the kitchen…

Hooch begs to differ….

The judges marvel at the different approaches taken by the two. I think they’re basically seeing the borderline redneck girl from the south vs the trust fund baby from New York City. They comment on the fact that Hooch is cooking her rare and medium at the same time.

They comment on Nazi Max using the thermometers to check the temperature, because he keeps poking holes in his steak. Hooch is crying tears of crazy, and everyone is noticing it. The disembodied voice tells us the “steaks” have never been higher. She gets herself together, and finishes her last steak as time runs out.

And now it’s time for judgement. It seems like neither contestant actually got their steaks consistently where they wanted it. They don’t really tells us who was closer on all three, they basically just keep criticizing them steaks. I think that Christine won Rare and Medium, but I don’t actually know. For Well Done, both were WAY off. Nazi Max was closer, by about 2 minutes of cooking time, but was still a minute away. I think if he had gotten that one, he would’ve locked this up.

The judges confer…

“Nazi Max probably made the weaker steaks, but…I mean, Hooch is crazy. We should get her out of here ASAP.”

In the end, they decide that Hooch being crazy actually means she might stab someone if they send her home right now, so instead it’s Nazi Max that gets shipped out. I am finding this way more stunning than the “stunning elimination” from Monday’s episode, with Alvin getting canned.

Max has a nice little moment as he’s leaving…he tells us that Hooch needs the title more than him, being a single mom and all, and he had some good times, and wished he could’ve stayed longer. He wishes some people luck, and says he can’t wait to see Born Again Christian, Suzy, and MichRod crash and burn.

As much as I can’t stand the kid, I didn’t like seeing him shoveled off like this. I guess I’m picky, but seeing as he was a villain and all, I was really expecting him to go down in flames a bit better. More like Sharone or Slim Shady from last season. Also, I’m pretty disappointed by MichRod. I was finally starting to almost like her a bit, but holy hell. I would’ve been way happier if she’d volunteered herself for the pressure test and taken Nazi Max out, but…well…I guess I’m a dreamer.

And now, I guess, let the stabbity begin.

Hooch is comin’ for ya, baby! She’s gonna go wait in her car and blast some speed metal…5.1 surround sound…and someone’s gettin’ mowed down!