MasterChef: Squirting Away the Soul

Faruq me, we’re back!! Previously on MasterChef we saw over half of the aprons handed out, and we saw cheering and squealing and tears…oh so many sweet, delicious tears. We’ve established a pecking order amongst the judges. And we’ve learned that a dash of cooking puns isn’t the worst thing to come out of MasterChef.

These guys, however, have that kind of “worst” potential.

Ok, I promise I’ll drop the Halo jokes…

This week, we start off with a bang. Right out of the gates we meet Tamara, from Jamaica. She’s Jamaican ‘em Lobster Curry. It looks delicious. Gordie is already on his a-game in the hunt for the MasterChef villain. As he approaches, he remarks on the pretentiousness of the dish. He then lifts a rather flaccid bit of lobster claw meat off the top of the bed of rice, and Tamara is already in trouble.

Is this bringing anyone else back an embarrassing moment in their private life last night? No? Just me? How about the night before?

Ramsay comments again on how overly pretentious the dish is, and I’m here to tell you…if a guy with a British accent is telling you your food is presented too pretentiously, you’ve fucked up. BAD. TG says it’s good, and Bastage looks Tamara dead in the eyes as he chews the food. I’m realizing he’s been doing this to everyone. It’s like his p-p-p-p-p-p-p-poker face…

Tamara can’t read his poker face…

The votes come in, and Gordie passes her with a yes vote. Then, inexplicably, as if distracted by a bear claw (get it? Teddy…bear claw? Yeah?), TG drops the N-BOMB!!!! A “NO” VOTE!!! HE JUST CALLED IT DELICIOUS, THEN VOTED NO!!!!! She quit her job for this show, and he told her that her priorities were wrong for MasterChef. It’s all up to Bastage to save the day…cut to commercial br-wait, what? No commercial yet?!? HE VOTED NO!!! Tamara leaves the room, and the tears are already flowing.

Gordie: Now go to your room and think about what you’ve done, young man! And don’t come out until you’ve given that poor girl an apron!

Bastage: We’re not mad…we’re just very disappointed…

After she’s gone, Gordie looks TG square in the eye and asks him how he could vote no after saying the food was delicious. TG doesn’t know. I think he was still wrapped up in his own personal “lobster claw” incident, but that’s just one man’s opinion. Gordie channels his inner Hiroshi Tanaka, and tells TG that if he had any balls he’d go out there and give her an apron. THAT’S why there wasn’t a break before Bastage’s vote. Dramatic pause for suspense as Teddy struggles with the decision.

You have no…you have no….MARBLES!! YOU HAVE NO MARBLES!!!!

As we come back from break, TG moseys out into the waiting area and changes his mind! So our first contestant of the night is through! Teddy’s just a big huggy bear. What a roller coaster already!  TG returns to praise from Gordie for doing the right thing…Bastage says “alright let’s move on.” Heartless freak!

Next up: Whitney, from Mississippi. She’s only 22, and has somehow made her way onto MasterChef. Now this is a good Southern girl, here. Seeing her makes me nostalgic for my college days at the University of Georgia…takes me back to driving down Milledge, past all the sorority houses, during rush. Oh, I’m gonna miss at least this one thing about living in the south! Aaaaaannd, back to the present. She enjoys cooking “anything southern.” Can someone introduce me to this girl? Like tonight?

Please?

She cooks blackened catfish tacos with mango chutney. Yes, please. The judges are all three impressed, but they send her out to get her family. Bastage sneaks another bite of catfish. At some point I fear they’re going to shoot someone down in front of their loved ones. Is this the moment? All three judges question her ability to run with the big dogs on the show, primarily because of her age. Gordie thinks she’s too sweet. I can go ahead and tell you one thing, if this girl gets through, you will all see that she is not so sweet. I know this type, and it will be crazy backstabbing left and right. She says she may be a butterfly, but she stings like a bee. Close enough…so yes, please!

Stabbity stabbity

Gordie says she’s too young, and that he’d like to see her back next year, so no. Personally, I’d like to see her again tonight. Bastage says they’ve seen people twice her age not cook half as good. Teddy says “Sorry………………..…but you’re gonna have to put school on hold!!!” LOLOLOL Teddy you big douche!!!!

Next, we’re treated to a montage of epic failures.

Gordie: “…an insult to lettuce. The dish is complicated; my answer is not. No.”

Gordie: “Are the mashed potatoes bound with some of that hair gel? Because the lamb is upright…”

And now a less embarrassing memory from last night, amiright?

Contestant: You really think it needs salt?

Gordie: Yes, it does…big time.

ME: WHAT DID I SAY LAST WEEK ABOUT FORGETTING THE FUCKING SALT?!? I BELIEVE IT WAS “GORDON FUCKING RAMSAY WILL END YOU.” Yahtzee!

Bastage Agrees

TG: What you lack in seasoning, you definitely make up for in arrogance.

Ouch…that was a gang-bang of hate. Speaking of gang-bangs of hate…

This one…fared no better.

Thus far, I haven’t been overly impressed with the material. Except for Whitney. Yes. Can I pick a pony from round 2?

Next up is Donkey Kong. Remember this guy?

“It’s on like Donkey Kong.”

Sorry, broseph. You use a line like that, you get a nickname like that. Turns out our boy DK is actually a tatted-up cowboy. He apparently works in construction…and is “super passionate about cooking.” This guy is a bit of a paradox. Maybe I should drop Donkey Kong and name him Paradoxtyl? Thoughts? For now, he shall remain Donkey Kong.

DK is preparing “venison medallions.” Not unlike last week, the judges are judging a book by its cover. Remember last week, when they couldn’t get over Faruq Earl Jones and his butterfly shaped crisps? Here we are again. Our judges are laughing heartily over the juxtaposition of DK and his food, which was referred to by TG as “dainty.”

But really, he screams “dainty,” right? In a loud, roaring voice while brandishing a pair of chainsaws.

Gordie hates the food. Hates it. To him, the more stunning juxtaposition is the “great scallops and shit beef.” TG immediately counters with no reasoning by voting yes, and passes it on to Joe. Bastage is insulted that this guy tried to pass his food off as Italian. Gordie’s all “Kin ah get a hallelujah, brotha?”

You can’t bullshit a bullshitter…

Then, in another completely inexplicable turn of events…TG hopped up and vouched for his brother in prime(rib), and whaddaya know, Bastage’s heart grew three sizes that day. He voted yes, and DK is here for at least another week. I’ll give him a chance, but if he busts out with “cool as the other side of the pillow,” he’s dead to me.

Just as I start to think “man, we haven’t had one of those extended disaster contestants this whole episode,” we meet Tom.

Idunno about you, but I’d not let my unborn child near this guy. No way. If you doubt me at first…

…look again. He’s got a skull cap on in his own kitchen, is wearing what appears to be an Ed Hardy waffle shirt, and his apron is a man’s bare chest & abs. A very sexy, hairless man…

Tom’s schtick is carving faces into apples. Maybe that’s where Gwynneth Paltrow got the idea for the name of her firstborn. Regardles, it’s kinda fuckin’ creepy. His other schtick (this guy has two schticks…ok, seriously, people, minds out of the gutter) is that he can apparently cook if there are just a few random ingredients in the fridge.

I don’t know about you, but…as far as I know, that’s called Man’s Cooking. I’d call it MacGuyver cooking, but that really is reserved for frying eggs on car engines. I mean, this style of cooking is what I do for dinner most nights. I don’t know how to cook, and don’t even get me started on baking. But a few random ingredients? Yeah, I can make something pretty tasty. It’s how men survive the period in their lives between living with the parents and getting married. I kid, I kid…and seriously, ladies, I love cooking…But regardless, this guy is already just a waste of my time…

He’s very, very confident. He’s cooking pasta fagioli. Bastage tells him he took on a classic, and may as well say “the guy before you fucked up Italian cooking and I let him through, but I do NOT have the generosity to do that again.” Bastage asks him if he’s used fresh cannellini beans. Take a stab at what the answer may have been…

This, mom & dad, is known as a “facepalm.”

He shares his talent for carving apples…by presenting each judge with his own, personalized apple head, which, having been carved in advance, was very dry and withered. If you’re wondering, Bastage’s apple head was slightly phallic in shape…which is fitting since he’s a giant prick. Anyways, bets on this guy owning an unmarked 15 passenger van with no windows in the back?

LOL Teddy Graham got the fat apple head…

This is my “you’re fucked and I’m loving it” face.

So without even waiting, we know what the verdict will be. I mean, why would you bribe the judges with shitty apple heads if your food was good? No raisin. No raisin at all!!! Three quick “No”s, and we’re on.

There’s a quick montage of people moving on. Three…four…five of them, and since FOX didn’t really pay them any attention, well…neither will I. Not sure why the ones who don’t suck get glazed over so bad. It reeks of Idol.

Yep, this guy got through. So did four others, but their screen time was so limited I couldn’t even take a screenshot. Guess they were ugly?

Next up is the girl who was holding poor Tamara when she was crying her eyes out. Her name is Jennifer. Take note of the apron.

It’s called Apronatomy.

Seriously, I find myself wondering what happened to all the classic aprons. Where are the “Where’s the Beef?” or “Kiss the Chef” or “Grill Master: The Man, The Myth, The Legend” aprons? More importantly, where’s the “nothing underneath the apron” look?

Yes, please!

Turns out Jennifer has a couple special needs kids, and has to cook super healthy for them. She apparently cooks crazy fancy nice meals all the time. See below, her version of Chicken Florentine Salad with a black garlic dressing. It looks amazing…Ramsay thinks it looks like a tadpole.

If “tadpole” is what you saw, give yourself a pat on the back for being a mature adult.

Not at all surprisingly, Teddy Graham gives a “no” vote. I’m sorry, but I’m pretty certain that I’m not the only one who laughed at TG dropping a no-bomb on the salad, right? Bastage and Gordie give him the same kind of look they gave him when he volunteered to eat the whole bowl of beer-cheese soup. Two yes votes, and she’s through!!

Next up is Adeliz, who loves to cook for her family. We’re shown her introductory montage, in which she cooks all types of very classic Latino dishes. As she enters, she tells the judges she’s cooking a classic Puerto Rican dish. I’m not going to begin to try to relate her description (I caught “relleno”), but she mentions “red wine reduction and sun-dried tomato cream sauce” at the end, which throws everyone for a loop. As TG says, “I heard like 50 Latino ingredients, and then red wine reduction and some kind of creamy cheese sauce.” As she decorates the plate with the red wine reduction, Bastage states that she’s “squirting away the soul.”

She’d better stop, or she’ll go blind…

If you didn’t snicker at “squirting away the soul,” you don’t belong in here…

They make Adeliz bring her mother into the studio. They kind of shoot her down, in that there’s no apron. They do, however, tell her to gtfo, run home, get AUTHENTIC food, and make a real meal instead of the fancy shmancy blindness-inducing crap she prepared the first time.

Next in is Sheena. She looks a bit like Rachel from Glee, and coincidentally, she won’t Stop Believin’, either. She’s prepared braised fennel and pork tenderloin. However, she gets too caught up in talking to the judges and overcooks the shit out of the pork.

I keep hoping to see Sue Sylvester hop out and CRUSH her dreams.

Bastage can’t even look at her while he chews. However, once he sits down, he busts out the yes vote. Someone apparently pissed in TG’s bucket of fried chicken this morning, because he’s been handing out No votes left and right. Here’s another one. So it’s up to Gordie. Sheena begs and pleads and promises Gordie she’ll never disappoint him again. I guess he believes she’ll make good on the promise, because he votes yes, and she’s through!! She runs out to the lobby and her and her sister/friend/whatever do their best Elliot and Melody.

Dude, we should get out of here before they look our way…

Next, we get Daryl. Daryl was born with only 3 fingers per hand. He says that he gets by because he’s a no excuses kind of guy. He firmly believes he can do anything he wants to do, and do it well. I love the attitude. Then…I learn that he apparently applied it to cooking ribs. In one hour. See, being from the south…I LOVE RIBS. But as tasty as ribs are, one of the best parts of them is waking up at the asscrack of dawn, firing up the smoker, and sitting out there with a book and a beer (or a couple of friends and a few beers) in the cool early autumn morning. It’s an all-day ritual. Cooking ribs for an hour in a pressure cooker…is not Southern. As Daryl describes it, “confident, ballsy, and crazy.”

Bastage is first, and he goes with the knife and fork approach to eating ribs. So, while the pressure cooker was an insult to my heritage…well…wtf this is a slap in the face.

VILLAIN!!!

Daryl appears to try to suppress a smirk a little. TG does it right, and states that “you can’t eat ribs without getting a little dirty.” Thanks, Teddy. At least one of you has some sense. Ramsay forks it, too! The contestants are competing for MasterChef. The judges are competing for MasterDouche!

Bastage goes with a yes. Teddy goes with a no. I respect TG’s no here, since, as I’ve stated, you don’t cook ribs in a pressure cooker. Ramsay…dramatic pause…votes yes!! And Bastage THROWS THE APRON TO DARYL. Daryl, with only 3 fingers per hand, has to catch a flying apron!!! Bastage, are you trying to outdo Seacrest’s high-fiving the blind guy on Idol?!? Holy shit…

Not only does he throw the apron, he makes him reach for it. C’mon Tony Romo, at least let him catch it with his body!!

We’re thinking that this HAS to be everything, right? Oh, wait, there’s Adeliz! We all forgot about her…probably because we don’t care, right? She pulls up in her car, and the MasterChef producers are kind enough to add screeching tire sound effects! Just so you know what a hurry she’s in!!!

Ramsay tells her that he’s hoping for greatness. She’s cooking New Mexican Chile Relleno. Hey, she used that word last time, too! I don’t know what it means, but it sounds authentic.

I don’t think this food’s soul has been squirted away yet.

Well, it appears that Adeliz didn’t disappoint. Three Yes votes. She runs down the hallway to silly violin music, and it’s making me think of the old silhouette diamonds are forever commercials…sans silhouettes, of course…

We’re on to the “next on” segment, and since I don’t like spoilarz, I’m going to skip right on over it. However, they’re promising 15+ people being kicked off next week! DRAMA!

Well, I’ve picked my two ponies…have you picked at least one? Find out how yours fairs next week on….

MASTERCHEF!!!!11!!