Previously on MasterChef, we were treated to two weeks worth of auditions…but not real auditions, as we only started with a whopping 100 contestants, which were handpicked from over 10,000. So basically we got to watch the really good, and the only pretty good, compete as the field was narrowed down to 30. So, thanks, FOX…thanks for cheating us out of the only part of a show like this that people really want to watch and talk about the next day. Where were the goofy contestants who think they have talent, but don’t? Where is the William Hung of cooking?
Because I know he’s out there…
So, basically, the last two weeks were just the warmup, and now that we’ve trimmed the fat, it’s time to really get this road on the show. And so, for our first TRUE round of elimination, our contestants will face an obstacle so challenging…so deadly…so “OMG THERE’S BLOOD EVERYWHERE!!!” that over half of our contestants won’t survive. OVER. HALF. And that’s just according to the preview from last week. “What is this death-defying stunt they’ll be asked to perform,” you ask? Ahem…YOU ASK…yeah…cutting motherfucking onions.
Well, at least we know there’ll be tears, amiright?
So, to begin this first inane challenge, a dump truck backs into the warehouse — oh, wait. What shitty storytelling, I’m sorry. So…to begin this first inane challenge, our contestants walk into a warehouse. Inside this warehouse is a very, very long counter, which is equipped with 30 workstations (for our 30 contestants), and each of those workstations contains a large knife. Now, I’m of course immediately thinking OMFG Battle Royale! Right? RIGHT?!?
If this trial is going to involve hiding in the warehouse and knifing people, I know who will be fucking awesome at this game…what’d I tell you about Whitney? Stabbity Stabbity.
But seriously, could you stab her back?
Anyways, our contestants are all standing alone in the warehouse, left to their own devices with 30 knives and an infinite number of ambush points, when our three distinguished judges walk in to more applause. Seriously, is there a signal that lights up, like on a late night talk show or a “filmed before a live studio audience?”
TG starts out with our first play on words of the evening…
Before we start making cuts, you’re gonna make a truckload.
The theory here, apparently, is that onion slicing and dicing is a major cornerstone of being a MasterChef. Now, this seems a bit rudimentary to me…like these are the 30 survivors out of 10,000 people who auditioned, surely they can cut the shit out of some onions, so why are we wasting time. Is this the test that’s going to shave off over half of our contestants? Surely not. Bastage is all like “If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.”
Yet our contestants look fearful
Gordie shows off his knife-wielding skills. Holy crap. That onion is S&D’d in about 6 seconds, and that’s while he’s chatting away. So, I guess there’s probably room for improvement for these guys n00bs, after all.
Now, I’m not sure about you guys, but I’m worried about Darryl.
Especially after watching him clap
Gordie is all twitchy, as per usual, and goes all “Dradis contact! Action stations! Action Stations!” Everybody listens, and runs to the knife stations, which I assume have personalized nameplates since no one looks confused. So finally, after all this hype, we have slicing, we have dicing…
…and we have lacerating.
First self-inflicted wound: some old guy who we don’t know shit about. Who cares, I guess. Second? Mikey!! No, Mikey, no!!! Pony #1 has hamstrung himself! OH NO!!! Victim #3 is Whitney! What is this?!? is Ramsay reading my recaps?!? Or did I just pick the wrong ponies?
Gordie officially stops our first contestant and starts fondling his onions. Literally.
This has neither the size nor texture that I’m looking for.
As one would expect, this guy…who I know as the lawyer, and nothing more since he’s hardly seen any face time thus far, is gone. Well, if they’re eliminating over half of the field today, I guess you gotta start somewhere. “This random dude” is about as good as any…
Next to leave appears to be Felix Gaeta.
Our first contestant to be passed through is Sheetal. She’s excited…most of us probably don’t care that much…but maybe some of you have picked her, so yay for you.
Again, I’m worried for Darryl. This just seems wrong.
“Out of my cooking arsenal, my knife skills are probably my weakest point.”
Regardless, Darryl is sent through. Holy crap, who else is thinking about Cartman losing the special Olympics right now? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m super impressed by this guy. If it weren’t for the fact that he’s clearly the guy that they want everyone to root for, I’d probably consider picking him as my pony…but alas…
Joe, the Machinist, is out, thanks to more colossal chunks of onion
…as is our random guy who cut himself “roughly twice.”
So, seriously, “roughly twice?” I’d like to think that this it’s not that easy to lose track somewhere between one and three.
Jennifer, the supermom, is not the superonionslicer…
We’re at our final two. It’s Faruq, and someone. Hollie! Thanks for the random interview where they both talk about how they hope they get to go through.
The one on the right is Hollie. There’s no reason to remember…she’s gone too.
For those of you keeping score at home, you’ll notice that neither Mikey nor Whitney got canned.
Well, that clearly wasn’t over half of the 30…that was only 20% (or six for those of you “not good at math”). So, we gotta find a way to get rid of another 9 or 10. How are we going to do this? With a little egg-stra-curricular activity. It’s going to be an egg-stravaganza. How egg-cellent!
Whitney thinks this is egg-straordinarily crazy.
So, if you haven’t gathered by now, eggs are involved. Also, if you haven’t gathered that by now, you should also maybe visit…
…The Derek Zoolander School for Kids Who Can’t Read Good
Bastage tells the crowd that “anyone can cook a 3 minute egg…a MasterChef is defined by what he does with the other 27 minutes.” I’ve had SO many girls tell me this…and I swear it’s always about eggs. HONEST!
So, everyone gets one egg. Only one egg. Who else is hoping that someone slips and drops that one egg? Because I am.
In addition to their one egg, our minichefs are allowed to pull from a bountiful assortment of additional ingredients, but the key instruction is that the egg must be the HERO of the dish.
Like velociraptors at feeding time…
Also, apparently of the remaining 24 contestants, there are TWO WHITNEYS! NO! For clarification, THIS is the Whitney I picked…
Not that I mind the other Whitney.
So, aside from the Whitney confusion, I’m getting nervous because everyone has abandoned the bar of “not heroes” except Mikey. Mikey is still deliberating…
David decides to give us the skinny on his dish…which is “whipped potatoes, steak, and a poached egg,” with some kinda mushroom sauce. He’s concerned, because if he breaks the yolk, the game is over…”because if you break the yolk, it’s just an egg sitting in the water.” And I’m flipping through my copy of 1,001 euphemisms, and somehow this is NOT in there. HOW?!?
Tamara is planing to “bring Caribbean to the egg.” I think someone said that to my girlfriend once, when we were in Jamaica…I didn’t understand what he meant, then, but now it’s clear…
Gordie is causing the camera to spend quite a bit of time on my Whitney. Mine, as in not the other Whitney. Regardless, I’m totally cool with that.
Poor Sheetal, she doesn’t eat eggs…so…she’s a bit concerned that she doesn’t know how to cook them. She’s making a baked egg. Bastage asks if she isn’t taking a bit of a risk, doing something “so simple.” Unlike Sheetal, I cook eggs all the time…and I have no clue how to bake an egg.
So, again, Bastage…I say “Fuck you.”
Somehow, Faruq is so chic that sparks are goin’ off all around him.
They see me sparkin’… they hatin’…
We get a shot of the 3 chefs huddling…talking so much trash about the contestants. They haven’t seen any “3 star execution.” Gordie mentions poaching an egg in red wine. Yeah, the same mofo that was talking about food being “too pretentious” last week. FUCK. It’s a FUCKING EGG.
Time is ticking down. Tick tock tick tock…and…dishes are up!!!
We get dramatic shots of people touching up their dishes. This reminds me of when I took the LSAT. “Time’s up” = “oh shit fill in the last 5 bubbles!!!”
Bastage has mastered the stare-down.
So the first selections are in. Max isn’t given another opportunity to primally yell “I WANT THIS,” as he’s sent packing first…followed by Whitney! But not my Whitney!
Slim is only 22, and yet no one gave her a hard time about her age. Her dish, which is “Pho something something something something something something,” was apparently enough to move her into the winner’s circle.
So two down already…total is at 8, which is about 1/2 of what we need to be by episode’s end. Next up, we have Tracy, who we’ve all already forgotten was cooking for her deceased mother, DK, and someone named Charmaine, who I don’t recall being introduced to. As Tracy presents her dish, which is B-a-n-a-n-a Pudding, Bastage comments that she “dichotomized” her egg. She nods like she understands what he’s saying.
Apparently pink-shirt is too close to red-shirt
After Charmaine’s poor choice of shirts lead to her demise, Tracy and DK pass with flying colours! (I spelled it that way for Gordie)
Next up we have the Underdogs!!! 2nd-chance Adelize, don’t-tell-me-what-I-can’t-do Darryl, and some other guy. These random people are starting to seem like the arbitrary extras in Lost, who for some reason get SHOT WITH FLAMING ARROWS!!!We already know what’s-his-face is gone, so the question becomes…what fate awaits 2CA and DTMWICDD?
Don’t tell me what I can’t Fondue!!!
Shit, that was cooooooooooooold!
In all truth, though, you, me, and everyone else know that they had to send Darryl home at some point. Dude has 4 fingers (and 2 thumbs tyvm) – how is he supposed to run a kitchen. One little knife accident and he has less fingers than I’ve got on one hand…I’m just glad they were able to send him home in a way that wasn’t “sorry dude, you must have 5 fingers or more to ride this roller coaster.”
Next group: Sheetal, Lee (who is this guy?), and Cap’n Cliche. I think TG has a slight infatuation with poached eggs. He just seems a little ejaculatory every time he cuts into one. Must remind him of Cadbury eggs. He’s also the only judge who’s used the word “yummy” even once, and I think the “yummy” count is at 3 now. We may keep this tally going. Also, Cap’n Cliche has prepared “Eggs Purgatory,” which is funny considering judgement is upon him.
“The egg is cooked properly? You’ve gotta be Sheetalin’ me!!”
Apparently there’s a little bromance between Lee and Tony. Fist-bumps before judgement? So rookie.
So Bastage and Gordie step off the villain thrown, and let TG see if he matches the assprints…
Sheetal, Lee, Tony…I need all 3 of you to untie your aprons….AND RETIE ‘EM EVEN TIGHTER!!!
TEDDY YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! YOU OLD SAILOR YOU!!!
Cap’n Cliche drops the “emotional rollercoaster” on us…but it’s what we’ve come to expect, anyways.
So we’re at 12 down thus far…and Bastage gets another opportunity to get rid of the 62-year-old lady who he begrudgingly passed through in the first round only because he drank her wine…
“Robyn, I was pleasantly surprised that it was slightly sweet, like ‘maybe I’m going to like it’…but ultimately I didn’t…” TUCK & ROLL, GRANDMA!!!
Next row is Mikey, Sharone (what, we add an “e” and it’s a guy’s name?), and Jenna. 2 red-shirts…at least one must go home…but I’m SO wrong…
Obligatory Pony Shot!
Next up is Rachel from Glee, Tim Tebow, and Roberto. Tebow’s poached egg is on the table first, and, as usual, Gordie takes the opportunity to coach him. I think Gordie is taking this one under his wing. Gordie doesn’t like the lumpy potatoes, but Tebow goes on anyways. Rachel’s dish is good, I s’pose, as she’s through as well. Lastly, Roberto somehow forgot the whole “the egg is the hero” thing, and just kind of blended it in with the rest of his dish by beating it into the sauce. Roberto is going home.
“Why do you send me hard potatoes.”
So after TG pulled his little stunt, the judges seem to be inspired to see how many times they can be all like “you’re going home…NOT!!!” I especially think they’re doing this with Tebow, because he gets teary every time he thinks he may be losing…seriously, it’s taking tremendous amounts of restraint to not beat this David=Tebow thing into the ground, but regardless, the nickname is staying.
Last row up is Azmina, Avis (slap yo’ mamma), and Whitney. The real Whitney. Azmina, being the only no-name here, is out. TG likes that she stepped out of her comfort zone, but then tells her that her dish is “overcooked and overscrambled.” Avis is up next, and is praying that she doesn’t drop her dish. Last up is Whitney. Serving an open-faced fried egg BLT.
Which is more delicious?…
…and which is the more perfect Saturday morning?
Bastage says that she’s putting on a facade, because when they’re not looking she comes and kicks them in the butt with a ballsy move like putting together an open-faced BLT.” Remember, I told all of you. Stabbity.
So we know Azmina is out. That puts our total at 16 down, 12 through, and 2 to be judged.
Whitney will NOT be going back…to University. Yay!!!! And honestly, we all know that they will not send 13 contestants through to the next round…that’s just awful luck. And it appears that Avis, yet again, did Try Harder…and is through as well!!!
Unfortunately, you will NOT be seeing your family tonight.
So, 14 remain. That is over 1/2 of 30 eliminated, so, while predictable, our narrators did not disappoint. Thank goodness for that…right? We’re at the “next week on” segment, which is where I leave you to spoil at your own risk! The most important thing is that both my ponies survived. See you all n-egg-xt week!