MasterChef: The End of the Beginning

Alright, so…here we go. It’s the final day of auditions. Three days of auditions is a bit excessive for this show. I was really glad when we got to the elimination portion, but…that’s another story for another day. So…auditions, day 3. Another day in paradise.

As would be expected after a week between episodes, there’s a bit of a montage of what happened in the first two episodes. It’s pretty brief, though, and then they jump right fucking into the action.

…and there was much rejoicing…

Our first contestant is Suzy Singh. She’s a bit of a talker…not like Cammy, but still. She talks about how she loves cooking. She talks about how her parents, being actual Indians, do not approve of her being a chef. She impersonates her mother, and I scramble for the remote to ensure I didn’t accidentally flip over to Outsourced. She walks the long hallway to the judges’ chamber, and introduces herself. And then she talks more. She keeps talking throughout the whole 5 minute period that she’s alloted to finish her dish. She’s making sea bass (is it ill-tempered?) en papillote, with a whole bunch of other crap. She sticks it in the oven, and the palillote (that’s French for parchment) starts burning.

This is really hot!!

It’s an oven, dumbass. AN OVEN. It’s that way by design. I feel pretty certain that it has a temperature display on it somewhere…did you not think to look at that before putting paper in the fucking oven? Just wondering…

Anyways, she KEEPS TALKING about everything, and she keeps mispronouncing “en papillote” (un pappy-yote). Gordie even pronounces it correctly for her, and then she fucks it up again. So, Suzy is a neural engineer. A WHAT?!? Our judges eyes glaze over at that. She tells them she’s so excited for them to be trying her food…and Bastage says “WE’RE EXCITED” in a way that I think means “SHUT UP AND PUT IT ON THE PLATE!!!” So she does.

Tasting time! Bastage makes a funny face, then Gordie asks why she chose to overcomplicate the dish. She replies that she thinks this is a simpler version (than what? we’ll never know), and he makes a noise that probably means “I can’t wait to see you burn.”

She KEEPS talking while they’re trying to eat. The way they all reacted to her food, I expected her to get shot down. Badly. But, instead…three yesses. Welp, at least I have one person to hate on. She runs out to celebrate with people who I can only assume are her siblings. Her sister’s kinda hot…Her mom is not there.

Next up, we have a montage of failures. Because that’s the formula. First contestant wins, then failures. This round of failures includes TG’s line of the season.

Every time someone uses tongs on a delicate piece of fish, God kills a puppy.

So, three quick contestants are given the boot, and next up is Max Kramer. Wait, I know that name…why do I know that name? Ah, right, Nazi engineer! Developed bombs! Why do I know that? I don’t even like history!

He’s pretty young for a Nazi…

He goes on to basically confirm that he is, in fact, a trust fund baby. They show him in his homeland of NYC, hailing a taxi by cupping both hands around his mouth and yelling “TAXI!!!” I don’t think this kid has ever hailed a cab before. Or, if he has, he immediately abandons it when he learns that the seats aren’t goose-down and the cab driver doesn’t speak Latin. The disembodied voice tells us that he thinks what will give him the edge is that he uses only the finest ingredients. Nazi tells us that he enjoys “the finer things in life,” and FUCK this kid’s a douche. No offense to any other trust fund babies out there, unless your name is Max Kramer and you think you’re better than everyone because fine dining is all you’ve ever known. Though, come to think of it, if you were a trust fund baby, you wouldn’t be reading this. It’s far too – what’s a good trust fund baby adjective? – uncouth.

Anyways, the judges all try his food, and Bastage hits the nail on the head.

“You’re gonna roll in here and impress us with luxury ingredients?

No one seems very impressed, but then they vote. Gordie gives him a yes, but then TG tells him “not so fast…” and mentions that he thinks that Nazi Max would be better off coming back next year. It’s down to Bastage. Bastage strolls up and looks this kid dead in the eye and asks him if he thinks he can handle the pressure. Strangely, they don’t make a fuss about his age…

NOW WAIT JUST A DAMN MINUTE HERE!!!

I mean, seriously. Whitney Miller was 22. TWENTY TWO! Nazi Max is 18. That’s 4 less. You’re welcome…I used a calculator to do that and save you the trouble.

Also, speaking of Whitney Miller…many of you have asked about this, because for one reason or another you think I’m the Whitney Miller expert. I assure you, as much as I wish that was the case, it’s not. I am not a Whitney Miller expert. I’m writing Whitney Miller repeatedly in the hopes that she’ll google herself (it always sounds dirty when you say it that way) and stumble across this recap and see that I plugged her (man, I wish) in my article. BOOM!! Whitney Miller’s Cookbook. I miss you, my darling Whit…MasterChef just isn’t the same without you!!

Also, if you’re all wondering…no, I haven’t ordered it…yet.

Ok…back to Nazi Max. He assures Bastage that he can handle it. Bastage takes his word for it, and gives him an apron! Man, I really thought the judges would take this opportunity to shit all over this kid. LITERALLY!

Next is another failure montage, but this time there’s a theme. It’s all middle-aged women, and all are trying to win Bastage over by cooking Italian food. That’s kind of a stupid fucking strategy, since, from what I can gather, that’s the only kind of food Bastage actually knows anything about. I mean you could probably sneak one by him with a good old southern stew, but not pasta. No way.

Nothing screams “suburban housewife” like the words “domestic diva” bedazzled on your t-shirt.

Of course, this paves the way for Guiseppe. He’s a real Italian. He talks like “It’s-a me, Maaario!!”, so you know he’ll be good. He prepares stuffed mussels. Gordie tells Joe to go first, since he’s the Italian one. Joe tells Mario that he’s never heard of stuffed mussels before. TG and Gordie taste it, too, and then Gordie sends Mario out to get his family. Once they’re all in the same room, Gordie asks the kid how many bowls of his dad’s pasta he’s eaten, and how would he rank it. The response? “I don’t keep track, but I’m sure probably a lot” and “11 out of 10”. Aw, kids. Our judges love the food, too…and give Mario an apron.

Ya-hoo!!!!

Next up, ANOTHER Italian dish. So, either this is the show’s editors just fucking with us or the 8th, 9th, 10th, and so on people in a row to cook a fucking Italian dish are just humped. Anyways, she’s making “sweet meatballs.” Teddy calls them “sweetballs.”

Nonono. I got your sweetballs right here…

They’re sweet because they’re stuffed with pound cake. WHAT?!? The judges taste it. Bastage points out that they are sweet. TG and Gordie follow and eat as well, each making their own “I’m not so sure about this” comments.

Now, it’s time for judgment. Bastage goes first, and says he knows how hard it is to make a meatball with the right consistency, and these aren’t overtly sweet to him, so yes…wait, what?!? YOU JUST POINTED OUT THAT THEY DEFINITELY TASTE SWEET.

Teddy tells her that they didn’t work for him, so he’s a no. The decision belongs to Gordie. He’s having a tough time deciding. He asks her if she is gonna bring it, and of course she’s all “I’m gonna bring it like it’s never been broughten,” and then goes on a tirade about how important food is in her life, and Teddy’s like “PREACH IT!” and then Gordie’s like….HOW ABOUT NO, SCOTT!!

This is that look of hopefulness that contestants have right before they receive their second “NO” vote. BURNED.

Bastage commends her again on the meatballs. Gordie and TG can’t believe he actually liked the sweetballs.

After the sweetballs, success comes in a wave. Somewhere between 3 and 7 people get aprons. Seriously, people who work on this show, the editing is fucking terrible. Actually, I’m going to save the rest of that gripe for the first elimination round recap…

Montage of success. ‘nuff said.

Next up is Edgardo. He’s a teacher from California. He seems super nice.

Also, he’s got this wicked Mexican Jackie Chan thing going.

He cooks a dungeness crab (I learned to spell that one thanks to a commenter from last year…Sweet_Dee, if you’re reading this, thanks! I only spell it “dungeoness” to be funny, now!) and the judges are all pretty excited. He’s cooked the crab, and then is using the empty shell as a bowl. How clever! Where this little bit really gets funny is that they keep calling him Eduardo, even though he introduced himself as Edgardo. Sigh.

When tasting it, TG seems to be all about the dish, and the other two kinda try out their poker faces. However, when judgement comes, Bastage is the first to give the dish a resounding yes. TG is next, and he says that while it’s yummy (UGH), there’s not a lot to it, so “no.” What? I think, just like with Sweetballs, TG is tossing the deciding vote to Gordie. And, just like with Sweetballs, Gordie says “no.” And, again, just like with Sweetballs, Bastage can’t believe it. This time, though, he tells them he thinks they fucked up.

I can’t even look at you right now…

That was really strange. All the judges liked the food, but it just wasn’t enough for two of them. I was certain Mexi-Chan was going through. And I’m really sad he didn’t, because MEXICHAN IS AN AWESOME NICKNAME!!!

Welp, blew my load on that one, gonna need at least 15 minutes to refuel.

Alright, so. Next is Adrien. He’s a server right now, but dreams of being a chef. Kinda like the batboy for the Cubbies dreaming of one day knocking a ball over that ivy-covered brick wall. Adrien is making a Mexican surf and turf.

YO ADRIEN tells them his story about how he’s asked every chef in his county to let him work for them, for free if he has to, and none would let him. I know that the intent is to prove his determination and devotion, but to me this just kinda sounds like a mega red flag.

The judges step up and try his dish, and then vote. Bastage says it needed salt, so no. TG, determined to toss the decided vote to Gordie again, says yes. Gordie thinks on it for dramatic effect, and then says yes! Bastage can’t believe that the two assholes sitting next to him seem to be conspiring to make him look like an idiot! Gordie tells YOADRIEN to “step up to the plate and jump…”

Uh oh…he’s got aneurism face.

Gordie…what??

Alright, another montage of failure. I find it weird that I feel like they’re skimming over more in the audition round this year than they did last year, even though they added an extra day. How is that? Whatever, montages of failure are generally better than the long, drawn-out, awkward failures.

Next up is Joseph Jane. Firstly, never trust a man with two first names. Secondly, I’m going to keep recapping. Joe’s wife was injured 16 years ago in a freak gasoline fight construction accident. Joe had to cook for her to nurse her back to health. It’s touching. It really is. I hate it, because I’m afraid if I say something funny about them, God will smite the everliving shit out of me. I don’t want to be smote. It sounds painful. I know, I know, God doesn’t read my recaps. Thank, er, God for that, or I’d probably have an express elevator pass to the hot place.

Anyways, Joseph is really excited about this whole MasterChef thing, as everyone seems to be. He tells us that if he gets an apron, he’s not sure his head will fit through the door on the way out.

…it’s gonna be a tight squeeze as it is…

It’s like an orange on a toothpick!!

OW! I’ve been smitten!

Sorry, I can’t help it. I’m smitten for kitten mittens.

Anyways, Joseph is making gator, too. Not gator three-way. He announces that this is his version of Swiss Alligator. WHAT THE FUCK?!? I even googled that. The internet has no idea what Swiss Alligator is. NO idea. All the search results are watches. If that’s what he’s going for, he missed. How can you have your own version of something that only you make?

Oh well. Bastage gets his second helping of Gator in just a few days. Gordie asks Joseph to bring his wife in. They cut straight to the chase. TG votes…and votes yes. Bastage says he doesn’t like the dish, but he likes the two of them. Gordie can’t bring himself to say anything…he asks the wife to come over, and hands her an apron to give to Joseph! Aw!! There’s this super inspirational sounds like Christian Music music going in the background as he celebrates.

Ben (you’ll met him soon) is crying. I can’t decide if it’s because he’s so touched by this story, or if he’s Rainman, and knows that they’re out of aprons…

Alright, it’s down to this. Our last contestant. Ben. Ben is wearing an apron and chef’s hat made out of the most ridiculously patterned cloth ever…it’s PUMPKINS! I mean, this is the kind of shit that you’d expect to see decoratively hanging on a rack at Cracker Barrel or something. He tells the judges that his mom wanted to be here, but had to have surgery so she couldn’t, so she made him that getup instead. Ugh…it’s like a Christmas sweater…

Ben is very dramatic…

So, he’s made fish tacos. Gordie goes first. He seems impressed, and asks Ben what else he can cook. Ben starts rattling off every cuisine he can think of. TG is next, and he suggests more of the chipotle sauce. Lastly is Bastage, who tells Ben that he came to fish tacos late in life, but he loves them now…

Is that a euphemism? Were you the real-life 40 year-old virgin?

Bastage then notices something on the side, and HOLY CRAP IT’S CRISPY FRIED PUMPKIN, BEN’S SECRET INGREDIENT!!! Bastage tastes it, and passes it around. Alright, so, vote time.

Gordie says “you’ve been beavering away underground.” First, fish tacos, beavering, all within 10 seconds? How does this get the TV-14 rating? Secondly, “beavering away underground?” Have you ever even SEEN a beaver? Gordie gives him a solid yes. TG and Bastage jump on the Y-train, and Ben is through. I like this guy. He’s fun. I’ll pick him as pony #2. We’ll see how that works out.

So, now is a montage of all the success stories we’ve already seen. I’ll spare you the boringness, except this one…

“Life has literally begun today, right now”

It’s sad to watch this montage after seeing the episode that follows this one and knowing who’s getting sent home…

Anyways, our judges come out and let everyone know that the shit is real, now.

Thank goodness the auditions are finally over. I’m really hoping that a few solid characters come out of this, as well as some good rivalries. And, seriously…is Whitney Miller (whitney miller whitney miller whitney miller) going to come back to say hi?!?!