MasterChef: The Romantic Edition…

Welcome back, my little troopers. Way to hang in there ‘til this point…it’s been a rough ride, chock full of tears, laughter, and real emotion. I’d first like to tell you all that I’ve spent this weekend surrounded by glorious costumes and nerdery at Atlanta’s 24th annual Dragon*con. And it was GLORIOUS!!! Nerds abound! I got to meet Summer Glau!!! And other people!!! But mostly it was alcohol and costumes, and it was AMAZING!!

We’re starting to really mix things up on MasterChef, and I don’t even know which way is up…This week they really threw me for a loop, and started with a crazy 3 minute intro/recap…then there was a mystery box challenge, an invention test, and a team challenge, and for dessert we got a pressure test! It was unlike anything we’d ever seen.

/sarcasm off.

Ok, so seriously, FOX. Hire a writer (Psst, I’m available)…or at least hire a few monkeys, and give them crayons and Jack Daniels. I mean, shit. Formulaic TV works ok, but when it’s reality TV, it doesn’t work so well…

We’re back in the MasterChef kitchen, which seems to have lost it’s luster with the minis. As they take their battle stations, there’s a big wooden box on each counter. It’s time for yet ANOTHER

What’s in the fuckin’ box?!?!?

challenge. No one is surprised or excited. We all know at this point that it’s not an elimination challenge, so seriously, who cares? Gordie & Co reveal a nice store of all sorts of veggies, spices, etc., leaving us and the minis to wonder what’s actually in the fucking box? Puzzling, no? FOX is trying to get sneaky on us…

So our contestants are all standing around wondering wtf, and finally the instruction is given to lift the box. 3….2…..1….LIFT!

LOL! It’s a crab!!!!

WTF. A live dungeoness crab was just hanging out under the box?!?

Whitney yet again shows us her “shocked” expression… <3

So Whitney was so stunned that she almost falls over, and everyone else is exchanging nervous LOLs and it’s just a little bit awkward. Then, of course, the camera goes straight to Sheetal. We learn today that she’s Hindu, and has never killed anything in her life. She’s apparently never even been fishing.

Anyways, she freaks out and tells Gordie that it’s against her religion to kill things. Granted, it’s been no trouble for her to cook with whatever meat has been pre-killed for her, but she’s running into a major snag now that she’s the one that has to pull the trigger. I want to laugh at her, but I do always feel a little terrible when I drop crustaceans into boiling water. I don’t feel like the “do unto others” thing really applies to crabs and the like, but I wouldn’t want done to me…

This just makes me think of all the Bugs Bunny cartoons I watched as a child…”what’s cookin’?”

So Gordie goes all soft and offers to kill the crab for her, but she decides that she is going to have to be able to overcome this whole “it’s against my religion to kill shit” thing at some point if she hopes to become a MasterChef. Well, at least she has her priorities straight, right? So Sheetal goes back to her station to play “hide the crab in the boiling water,” which frees our camera up to pay attention to everyone else.

As the DFV tells us, while Sheetal is wrestling with her decision to kill the crab, others “have no problem at all.”

Stabbity.

Most of our contestants seem to know what they’re doing, but then the camera gets to Slim. Slim is ripping the crab apart limb-from-limb, and it’s NOT EVEN DEAD!!! Or wasn’t when she started the drawing and quartering at least. Going back to the whole “do unto others” thing, NO FUCKING THANK YOU.

WTF? Don’t studies show that children who do this grow up to be serial killers and school-shooters?

Gordon comes over and berates her. I’m having trouble determining whether he’s more angry at the fact that by breaking the crab open pre-cooking it she’s loosing all the yummies inside, or the fact that she’s unabashedly torturing our tasty friend. It’s a toss-up.

The camera peeks back at Sheetal, who, despite her decision to whack the crab, off the crab, whack off the crab, has yet to do the job. She’s super timid about it, understandably I guess, but finally takes a deep breath, picks up the crab, and tosses it in the pot. The crab holds on to the edge of the pot, though, and I swear I could hear it say

CURSE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The judges stop by Sharone’s station, where he’s in the process of wrapping the crab and some other stuff in cucumber and prosciutto. Seems to this non-chef that the prosciutto may be a bit overpowering to be combined with crab meat, but the judges are impressed. Bastage goes all chummy on him.

They ask Sharone who his biggest competition is. Guesses on the answer? I mean, we’ve already established Slim and Whitney as rivals, because they’re cute young girls. Who do you think is gonna be Sharone’s rival? Perhaps his doppelgänger? Despite the fact that Lee has hardly had any face time to this point, Sharone tells our judges that Lee is his biggest competition.

We get an interview with Lee about Sharone, and they’re already milking this. Lee doesn’t feel that Sharone cooks from the heart. Lee, however, does cook from the heart. Or claims to.

So our mostly-wonderful minis are all done cooking the shit out of some crab, and so Gordie & Co are all ready to taste the three most delicious dishes, which thanks to some excellent detective work by a loyal reader, I’ve learned is at least slightly more scientific than I originally thought. Our judges do a bit of off-camera tasting, which probably explains a bit more why Bastage kept getting busted fingering people’s food last week.

Lee is certain that he’ll be the first called, and doesn’t exactly maintain a solid poker face when Sharone’s name is called first…

p-p-p-p-p-p-p-poker face…

Sharone wants to ensure that Gordie gets the citrus flavor from the apple reduction, which is used to decorate the plate, so he advises Gordie to “make sure [he] encorporates that too”…

“I like that you’re now telling me how to eat…at the age of 43, I know how to eat properly…should I put a bib on as well?”

So despite Gordie being irked by the instruction, he decides that the dish is solid. He recycles the old “The problem with this dish is that I don’t want to stop eating it.” Not really a line you should recycle, imo. It works once.

Next up is Lee. Wtf Lee won something?!? TG phrases it well by saying “your dishes haven’t been the best…but they haven’t been the worst…they’ve just kinda been in the middle somewhere.” TG loves the dish, and tells Lee he’s a force to be reckoned with.

Sharone doesn’t take that very well…

Our third finalist is none other than…Sheetal! We’re not surprised. She just condemned herself to whatever the Hindu version of Hell is, and poor Mikey is crushed…He looks at his dish and wonders what he could’ve done better…Sorry, Mikey, but the answer is nothing…unless you were to go against your religion. Then you maybe could’ve replaced Sharone or Lee. Sheetal is relieved that she isn’t condemned for nothing. Bastage tells her that he’s sure that the crab is “very, very glad to give his life for this dish.” Right. I’m sure I wouldn’t be glad to give my life to become delicious food.

Judging by her expression, I think Sheetal agrees with me.

Of course, just because she broke her religious code doesn’t mean her food was good enough to win the round. It wasn’t. Lee’s dish was apparently the best. I guess he does cook with his heart after all. In fact, not only did it win the round, but it was named “the best dish in the history of Master Chef.”

Sharone is not happy. He says he could make a gaspaccio with his eyes closed. Maybe he should’ve done that instead. I’m sure the prosciutto was too overpowering, and the crab got lost…Also, Sharone told Gordie how to eat. lol.

“I was pissed”…yet even then he has a semi-smile on his face…

So Lee gets to cheese the focus of the next round. The theme of the challenge is romance. Gordie asks him if he knows how to “woo a lady…how to seduce a lady…”

Guess the answer

Gordie asks Lee what he doesn’t want to see as an option. Lee says chocolate. His girlfriend hates chocolate. Weird. First ingredient option is chocolate. We lol in our living rooms. We like watching Lee brood. It makes us think of Angel in the first couple seasons of Buffy.

The second choice is passionfruit (we all lol again at the memory of Tony last week…these look nothing like stars…). Lastly, we get something “from the land where love was invented.” We all think it’s going to be France, right? But apparently it’s Italy, and the third option is … something. I can’t figure out what they’re saying, but it’s Mozerella filled with buttermilk and ricotta. *edit* after a lot of random googling, I’ve figured out that it’s called “buratta.” I want this.

Now, I’m not going to lie…chocolate: romantic. passionfruit: not not romantic, but probably only getting mentioned because of it’s name. The last option, though? Cheese filled with more cheese and buttermilk? I mean, I understand that romance != sex, but still. I think I’d prefer to be able to have sex…er…make love…after sharing romantic food without the risk of vomiting everywhere.

Anyways, Lee picks the passionfruit.

Yet again, Whitney looks surprised!

We learn that Whitney is single. WTF. I’m having to delete like 9 paragraphs of “asjaslhaskjfhasljkhraljygflakusgfalskjbfas;kdfhlahsf” just because I am not sure how else to react. My request for someone to introduce me still stands, and now stronger than ever. I don’t care that she doesn’t know how to cook romantically. Can she make macaroni or steak? Good enough for me.

Slim tells us that she sucks at romance. We’re not surprised at all. The fact that she’s so bitterly anti-romantic, though, kinda makes me happy…for one moment I actually like her. I’m sure that will fade, though.

Everyone is running around like crazy to choose their ingredients. The judges have their pow-wow again. They then start wandering the floor. First stop: Whitney. Bastage asks her to tell him about the dinner she’d cook for a guy on a first date. First…wtf…if a girl invited me over to eat her food for a first date…well, I think that may set the wrong expectations.

Whitney thinks this looks sexy. Watching her peel shrimp looks sexy to me, too.

Bastage wants them to woo him with food. TG wants to taste sexiness. Too bad they sent Faruq home last week.

They wander around, and eventually get to Slim…Gordie makes a weird comment that basically says “fondue is for dessert.” Maybe sexy fondue…but regular fondue with meat and veggies is delicious. Anyways, Gordie doesn’t approve.

The judges get together again to discuss what they think is working vs what isn’t. Bastage can’t wait to see what kind of twisted view on romance Tebow has. They all recognize his epic douchiness too. Nice.

Mad romantic science…

They discuss Slim’s “family platter” and how it lacks passion. Teddy says that maybe it’s a celebration of her going home. Foreshadowing much? We’ll see…

Sharone is pissed that he lost the last challenge, remember? So he decides he’s going to go over the top and do something new. He’s gonna cook his filet mignon in a vacuum sealed bag to retain as much delicious juice as possible. The only problem is that the vacuum sealing machine isn’t so much working.

I push the button and….brrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeehhhhhhh

Sharone has never done this before, and Gordie comes over and basically calls him an idiot for doing something like this in an elimination round.

So i guess that’s the point of the non-elimination “what’s in the box” crap, so that people can try crazy new shit. No one seems to get that memo though.

Anyways, Sharone is freaking out because his vacuum sealer isn’t working, and Gordie stops by to see wtf he’s doing. After a few minutes of panic and “wtf were you thinking,” Sharone tells us that the vacuum sealing machine is more complicated than any woman he’s ever met. Clearly Sharone is a shut-in.

Anyways, as one would expect, Gordie bails Sharone out, but not before a ton of swearing.

The judges move on to Lee, who is “having fun with his dish just like he has fun with his girlfriend.” I hope not, because something tells me giving the judges herpes isn’t going to get him advanced to the next round.

As per usual, the judges announce one minute left, and people panic. The last minute lasts about 12. Sheetal tells us that she doesn’t have love in her life upon which to base this dish. I find that stunningly hard to believe, but not as hard to believe as the whole “Whitney being single” thing.

So we begin the tasting with Sharone. Gordie can’t believe that Sharone used a suvee machine to “vacuum pack his beef.” I’m snickering…so should you be. TG then tells him that when you use a suvee machine, there’s a chance that you end up with a “dull, grey, boring piece of flabby protein.” Ladies, this is why we ask you to use the pill. Any more questions?

Lee reflects on previous bad experiences…

Next up is DK…We’re only on #2, I wonder if they actually show us all 9? Bet’s on no. Jake comes up, confident that his dish is “oozing sexy.” Do people write this shit for them, or do our contestants all have absolutely no internal monitor on accidental double entendres. Gordie acts all like “this dish is not going to accomplish what we want it to accomplish.” Turns out that while the passionfruit didn’t have to be the hero, DK still managed to underuse it. DK confused.

“I thought the dish was very romantic and had a lot of passion. Ya know, maybe it was a little to subtle for him…maybe Gordon likes it rough…” lol wtf

Seriously, DK, no one puts “rough” and “romantic” together. Just because someone “likes it rough” doesn’t mean that they consider being choked and having jumper cables clipped to their nipples while taking it from behind to be “romantic.” Trust me, I’ve learned this from experience.

Whitney is #3, and basically all we get is Teddy guilt-tripping her because he is the one who made the final decision as to whether she got through the first round or not, and her dish let him down.

Amazingly, Slim looks saddened by this. I guess the Whitney v Slim episode was last week, after all…

Tracy is up next, and yet again the judges are not impressed…Gordie says that it’s 90% unedible…the problem I have with that statement is that the word is actually “inedible.” L2English, Gordie…you people claim to have invented the language, and say that we ruined it on this side of the pond, so speak it right!!

“That looks like like something out of a sci-fi movie.”

Sheetal fairs no better. The best part of her dish is that she “chose a nice plate to put it in.”

Slim is up sixth, and she runs into issues…in that the lamb just falls off the toothpicks in the ginger sauce.

Ooops. nothing says sexy like digging through ginger sauce for your meat. I promise…

Gordie tells her that if they were on a date and she prepared that meal for him, he’d go to the bathroom and she’d never see him again. Bastage walks up, calls it a buffet gone bad, and throws it away. He literally opens a trashcan and dumps her dish in it. I finally stopped hating Slim thanks to her anti-romanticism, and now we can be sure she’s going home.

Mike is 7th, and people love his food again. Not surprising.

8th is Tebow , and his description of his dish elicits quite the reaction in our judges.

/facepalm

Regardless of the initial groaning, the judges love Tebow’s food.

The final contestant is Lee. HOLY FUCKING SHIT WE GOT TO SEE THEM ALL FINALLY!!!!! Lee says the inspiration behind his dish is “the imperfections of relationships.” The judges love it. In fact, they invite everyone up to try Lee’s food. Lee can’t believe it.

Sharone refuses to try Lee’s dish, and it’s the shot of the episode.

So firstly, the winner of the invention test is announced. Gordie says they were looking for the dish that “oozed passion” Ew. Lee wins, and for the first time someone actually takes advantage of the upper hand they were supposed to gain by winning the first challenge. Impressive.

The people up for elimination are…not three, but the 4 remaining ladies. LOL WOMEN CAN’T DO ROMANCE LAWL!!!!

Let’s be fair, though, women don’t have to do romance…guys don’t care about romance…guys want sex. So maybe this contest was a little unfair. Sheetal is relieved to learn that she’s not being sent home yet…as is Tracy, who I really am ready to see go home…

So we’re back to the Slim v Whitney thing…

When all is said and done, however…Slim’s dish is described as “a welcome plate at a senior home, before they go off in a box.” LOL

So Slim goes home…and strangely I’m kinda sad about it.

We’re now off to the … well, wtf do you think is gonna happen with 8 people left?!? TEAM CHALLENGE!!!!

Everyone gets dolled up but DK…who is wearing a rather casual shirt, and white pants. Thank goodness it’s not quite labor day!

Our minis find out that they’re going to be cooking for a wedding. Clearly this is the biggest day of the couple’s life, and it’s up to our minis to not fuck it up.

Much like I said about DK, TG doesn’t fit in so well either. Suit, suit, button up sweater. Lol.

Clearly this is not a good idea. Anyways, Lee gets to pick his team. Since Jake picked Lee last week, Lee picks Jake this week. He then picks Mikey, and that’s cool too. But then, like every fucking week thus far, the captain picks Tracy. The judges are finally sick of it, and comment on how she had one of the worst dishes yesterday, so why would Lee pick her over Sharone?? Lee basically says that Sharone is a bitch, but phrases it nicely and basically says he doesn’t think he and Sharone would work well together. Seriously, bros…pull them out, put them on the table, and measure them. Get it fucking over with.

Gordie turns it around on him, however, and asks if basically what Lee is saying is that Sharone isn’t good enough.

“Not for today, and not for my team.”

Lol. Despite the fact that Sharone wouldn’t have picked Lee either, Sharone gets super hurt by that statement and vows to destroy him. More manga-esque line-delivery.

Blue team leader Lee hands out roles. Mikey is working on the salmon, DK is opening the beef up, and Tracy is preparing the salad. I’m starting to get the feeling that people are trying to keep her around because they all know that she’s not going to win. It’s all coming together now!!!

We get to the Red team, and we learn that Sharone is going to be doing the salmon. As it happens, though, Sharone doesn’t know what to do with a nice piece of salmon.

We’ve all heard of “flogging the dolphin.” This is “slashing the salmon.” It’s not nearly as fun.

Sharone gets berated for fucking up hundreds of dollars worth of salmon. Lee is lolling at Sharone for fucking up his Salmon, and is happy with Mikey and his technical skills taking care of the Blue Salmon.

We get more drama, as someone finally snaps and tells Sharone he’s a douchebag. Or that he needs to stop yelling at them. Sheetal then tells him to stop creating drama. It’s classic.

Finally Sharone realizes that things are getting bad, and pulls his guys together for a huddle…David tries to interject something, though…

…and Sharone silences him with a kiss….

The Red team is taking their time, making sure that everything is seasoned super well. The Blue team, in their hurry, seems to have overlooked some of these details. Most importantly, Tracy didn’t do a good job checking over the lettuce, and as a result she’s singled out by Gordie for fucking up. Unlike Sharone, she gets “offended” by this. Firstly, I’m fucking sick of people misusing this word. Behind “ironic” and “nauseous,” “offended” must be the most commonly misused word in the English language. It is impossible to be offended by a truth. You may not like the truth, but by definition, it cannot offend you. “Tracy, you fucked up and didn’t check the lettuce well enough” cannot be an offensive statement, unless the lettuce is immaculate. It’s not, because it’s moldy. She’s embarrassed and ashamed that her lettuce is moldy, no doubt, but the fact that she says she’s “offended” makes me wish for her to be sent home even more.

Even Gordie can’t believe it…

So team Blue is way behind, and then team Red lights their shit on fire. WTF the wedding is going to be ruined noooo!!!!

It was always burnin’, since the world’s been turnin’…

Gordie realizes we have a problem, and he and Teddy jump into a phone booth together and take their shirts off!!!!

Sexy comes to save the day!!!

What I find most hilarious about this is they make a massive production of putting their chef jackets on, and all they do is step into the kitchen and give a few directions. And we’re all like “Gordie had to take his shirt off for this?!?” But we’re not complaining….or are we? Idunno, I’m a horrible judge of this kind of thing.

So again, the Red team is way fucking ahead, and have served salads and apps to their side thus far. The blue team starts to send their apps/salads out, but Gordie stops them and is like “wtf this shit is burnt!!!” Saying it in British makes it sound funny…to me, at least.

You caaaahn’t seeeeehhhrve a buuuuhrnt taaaaahrt.

Tracy was apparently in charge of the tarts, and goes over the edge. She goes from the “heart and soul” of the team to negative nancy in about .5 seconds. Lee starts yelling at her, telling her to pull it the fuck together. Then we get Gordie chewing out Mikey for not spooning out the salad dressing with finesse…yet another reason I’m not a MasterChef, I guess…I’d never have even thought about that.

Then we get an interview with Sharone, basically gloating that his team is done with the apps and the Blue team is getting yelled at…

If Lee had wanted to win, he would’ve picked me…absolutely…

Lee tries to rally the troops, and in all fairness he does a good job, and I still like Lee way better than Sharone. Tracy has already abandoned ship, which is totally absurd and unfair considering she can’t actually be eliminated here…

The entrees start being sent out, and Bastage starts walking the floor, interrupting everyone while they’re eating. Seriously, I’m used to this at restaurants, but at a wedding?!? Leave me the fuck alone!!! He’s running around trying to figure out whose food is better.

Now the camera is interviewing guests!!! Zomg what a classy wedding!!! Including this guy!!!

No. Caption. Necessary.

Anyways, our judges tell them that challenge was a bit overwhelming, and that everyone performed admirably. Champagne is on the judges…so basically for one team, tomorrow is a hangover…for the other team, tomorrow is a hangover and a pressure test!!!

So, the next day the judges make their decision. What it basically comes down to is the fact that Tebow seasoned the shit out of their food. Seasoned the FUCK out of it. He was the hero of the team…what was it I said during episode one?

“I promise you will never see any player in the entire country who will play herder than I will play the rest of the season…”

The best news is that Whit is still alive. Sorry, now that she and I are super tight, that’s what I call her.

The blue team loses, and they face the pressure test. They find out that 2 people are getting sent home, not just one. WTFBBQ?!?!? THERE ARE TWO FULL ELIMINATIONS!!! WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!?!?

DOUBLE ELIMINATION!!! WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!?!? OMG IT’S SO INTENSE!!!

So our final four have to make Pasta from scratch, and make the sauce that goes with it. Bastage tells us that Jake is kneading the pasta with a knife, but you have to use your hands, that’s how you put the love into it. Cue up “cloak of dodge euphemism” card. He then goes on to tell the other judges that to really put the love into the pasta, you have to use your hips. My euphemism resistance stat isn’t high enough for this!

We get a nice clip show of people making their food.

Jake gets warned that his anger is going to permeate his cooking. Lee is told that there’s too much garlic in his food. Tracy is basically scoffed at because she hasn’t started making her pasta, only the sauce. And Mikey has no idea wtf he’s doing. He’s just cooking on the fly. Tracy is struggling to figure out the Pasta machine…she’s changed from Lasagna to ravioli, and the judges still don’t think she has a chance.

Then Mikey pulls his pasta out to hang it up, and…he didn’t flour his pasta.

ZOMFG NOOOO THE HORROR!!! MY EYESSS!!! THE GOGGLES, THEY DO NOTHING!!!!!

So Mike somehow frees himself from the jaws of defeat, and Bastage starts counting down in Italian. Tracy describes her dish as “butt ugly,” and we all lol.

So our contestants present their dishes one at a time to our judges, and they give non-committal responses to each dish.

First up is Tracy…her pasta is too thick, despite the fact that she somehow managed to make a decent sauce even though the judges said it was impossible…well, Bastage refers to the sauce as “the best sloppy-joe he’s ever had.”

Second is DK, who prepared stuffed calamari over pasta. The problem with this dish is that it’s not a “true pasta dish.” Once he leaves the room, the judges refer to it as the first clumsy dish he’s done.

Third is Mikey. Bastage says his dish seems “a bit heavy-handed, but I guess we’ll taste it.” Thanks Bastage…thanks for being such a trooper. When it comes to it, Bastage is the one supporting this dish, and basically tries to apply his veto power….

Lee is our final mini to face the judges. Just as Gordie warned him, there’s too much garlic flavor and he fucked it up.

They bring our final four contestants into the room to pass judgment…First called is Mikey! Gordon tells us that he “will not be taking his apron off.” Whew! Both ponies still alive!!!!

Second up is Tracy! She “will not be participating in MasterChef any longer.”

Our judges sit around and talk to DK and Lee. Gordie tells them that he’s pissed because he didn’t think he’d be sending either of them home yet. He addresses DK, and tells him that he “will be…taking [his] apron off.” Peace out DK. TG tells him that he’s very proud of him, and that if it came down to it he’d stick his neck out for him again.

Lee survives, and gets admonished. Gordie tells him that he’s basically an idiot. I have to agree, since Gordie told him to lay off the fucking garclic and he still didn’t.

We’re at the “next on MasterChef part,” and so it’s now time for me to leave you guys. There are only 6 left, which means the odds of my ponies getting sent home is pretty high. In fact, the odds of both ponies going home is pretty high. But at least Slim and Tracy are gone, right? Whew!