Masterchef: There Can Be Only ONE!!!

Well, here we are, kids. The season finale of Masterchef. The day we’ve all been waiting for. Today marks the beginning of a 10 month break from the nicer side of Gordon Ramsay. Now we’ll just get him on Hell’s Kitchen and Kitchen Nightmares, yelling, screaming and demeaning everyone.

So we pick up where we left off…Sharone has just been booted, and we’re down to the final four. FOX has finally decided to mix things up, and as noted last week, there are no more “WHAT’S IN THE FUCKING BOX” challenges…no more invention tests…and no more team challenges or resulting pressure tests. Unfortunately, what this means is that, regardless of my ceaseless bitching about the repetitiveness of those challenges, there’s really not a lot of interesting stuff to talk about, because it’s just cooking…for two hours.

It’s just unfortunate that right when Sharone leaves the show, our judges kinda stop being assholes about things. It’s like Sharone just pissed them off so much that they just took their frustration out on everyone else. Oh well…

So this episode starts out with our final four receiving heavy praise from the judges for surviving this this long. Then we get a 3 minute introduction to make sure who we didn’t forget who the remaining minichefs are…Not surprisingly, Tebow is

CRYING

in like one half of the shots. We’d expect no less.

So, after all that, we get the explanation that instead of just an overall 4 man battle-royale, they’ll do 2 separate head-to-head cookoffs. The very scientific method that is used for pairing our contestants up for the head-to-heads is…drawing names from a hat!!! So Tebow’s name is drawn first, and so he gets to choose his competitor. He pulls out Sheetal’s name and then gets super douchey about it. He says it’s the name he was hoping to pull…

He “fished his wish”

What this means is that Whit and Lee will be squaring off 2nd.

Whit seems confident

Lee is not…

So we have our matchups, and Tebow and Sheetal are first. So Lee and Whit are sent up to the viewing balcony. But, before we begin the cookoff…

The families of Tebow and Sheetal are paraded in and will get to watch the semi-finals and presumable the winner’s family will get to see the final as well. David’s family shows up, and his fiance, who he proceeds to make out with for like 20 minutes…everyone’s all like

OMFG GET A ROOM!

So the families are sent up to the balcony to watch as well, and we finally get an explanation of the challenge. Each of the judges will choose one “classic” dish that our competing minis will have to prepare.

So Bastage starts out with veal milanese.Wow. I don’t even know what that is…I mean, I may have had it, I’m not sure…but anyways, I’d have no idea where to begin on it, that’s for sure. TG steps in, and is in charge of requesting the dessert. He asks for an apple pie. Ok, I feel more comfortable now…I know that one…and was comfortable until TG tells us that he wants to rub a piece of apple pie on his belly while eating another piece with his other hand.

EW

Last up, Gordie requests a clam chowder. CLAM CHOWDER in a competition between a kid from Boston and an Indian girl from Chicago. I wonder who Gordie wants to see win this round…this just seems a little unfair. Even Sheetal calls him out on that…

He’s from NEW ENGLAND!!

Oh well, so the dishes are set…and our judges are ready to eat some tasty food. Our minis get 2 hours to prepare all three dishes. WTF…normally they get like an hour or more per dish, and now they’re being asked to cook 3 at a time…wow!

So, they raid the cupboards and get their materials and get out to their action stations. Immediately the start working on the apple pie since I guess it’ll take the longest to cook, and Tebow tells us that he doesn’t really know how to make apple pie. We get a shot of Tebow’s mom, who can apparently bake some fuckin’ apple pies…

She doesn’t seem to approve his methods…

Sheetal has her pie totally under control. She’s got the top on the pie, and David is still fumbling with the crust. He can’t get it to roll out, it keeps sticking to his rolling pin (that IS what they’re called, right?), and TG and Bastage are just talking shit to him the whole time. Gordie tells both of them that the pie should be in the oven. Sheetal butters her crust and sticks the pie right on in. Tebow, on the other hand, still can’t get his crust made. Instead of a traditional pie, Tebow switches to a single-serving pie. Clever, I guess, but I can’t expect much from this vs a traditional apple pie.

So we skip over to dish two while the apple pies are baking. Both contestants are now working on the clam chowder, presumably because it’s gotta cook a while after it’s prepped, too. Sheetal adds shrimp shells to the stock to get a more fishy flavor, because I guess clams aren’t fishy enough. She probably feels like she’s gotta do something pretty special to outdo the Bostonian at his own dish. No way…

Moving on to dish 3 now, as the clam shit is cooking down. Time to cook up some baby cows! Because nothing says “I’ll do whatever it takes win” like cooking baby cows. So Sheetal is doing it the traditional way pounding the meat (and re-reading that makes me wonder if they still call it the “Missionary position” in India?) prior to breading and pan-searing it. Tebow, on the other hand, is doing things his own way. He’s not pounding the veal out, and he’s not searing it on the stovetop, but rather is quickly searing it and then putting it in the oven to cook.

Bastage thinks it’s a ballsy move…

Tebow’s gf can’t believe what he’s doing…

So now we’re at the part where our minis are plating their dishes, and Gordie points out to Sheetal that normally the final few minutes of every challenge are disastrous for her. So what does she do? Panics and can’t figure out how to plate her apple pie. Seriously, it’s fucking APPLE PIE! Cut a damn piece and put it on a damn plate!! Even I can plate apple fucking pie.

So the seconds are counting down, and it looks like she’s not going to get the shit on the plate, because with one second left the pie is still not on a plate, and we go to commercial. FUCK. Then we come back, and there are magically 10 seconds left. That’s cheap editing, there. Oh well. So she gets her pie on a plate, and our judges step up to taste.

First up is Gordie to taste the clam chowder. We all think we know who’s going to win. Gordie steps up and makes fun of Tebow for drizzling olive oil on his, and we get worried. He tastes Sheetal’s first, because it “looks more traditional,” and we get more nervous. He then tastes Tebow’s. Well, regardless of the funny thing with the oil, Tebow’s wins the first point.

I agree with Gordie. This just looks stupid.

This is Tebow telling us the score. Or teaching us about prostate exams…

No one is really shocked, but we’re moving on to the dessert. Now, again, I feel pretty confident that we all know who’s going to win this round. What do you think? The girl who could actually make an apple pie, or the guy who couldn’t even get the fuckin crust right and had to basically make a shotglass apple pie…TG loves Sheetal’s pie, and tells David that since his is untraditional, this had better be the most orgasmic experience ever. Tebow looks up at his girlfriend,

…and, judging by her face, this has been good for her…

As it turns out, the Tebow’s apple cup isn’t orgasmic enough. Bastage steps up to judge the veal milanese, and immediately the food fingering begins…

You sick fuck…

Anyways, it comes down to a tiebreaker, as it always has in MasterChef. There’s tension, interviews, and a commercial break!! And we’re back, and Bastage has chosen!!! It’s Tebow!! He’s in the final!!!

Next up, Lee v Whit! And the families come strolling in. Well, Whit’s family does. Lee’s girlfriend and best friend (also a lady) come to see him. And right when we think we’re gonna finally start, we get a “but wait! there’s more!!” Lee’s mom is there too! From Israel! NOOOOO Whitney is already at a disadvantage!!! How can they send Lee home now?!?

Lee is quite the ladies man…

The challenge this time…Bastage wants a chicken parmesan. Teddie asks for an eggs benedict. and Gordie wants a cheesecake. Funny enough, Whitney barely ever makes cheesecakes. So let the pantry raid commence!!! (On a side note, I can’t believe that I didn’t come up with “pantry raid” until tonight)

So both contestants start with the cheesecakes. Lee decides to do a vanilla cheesecake  with caramelized rhubarb. I don’t even know what rhubarb tastes like…is it sweet? Would it go well with cheesecake? It looks almost like red celery, but I trust that it doesn’t taste like that. Whit, on the other hand, is going with a no-bake cheesecake. Gordie tells her how difficult a no-bake cheesecake can be.

She is no-baking the shit out of this cheesecake.

So they’re quickly on to the chicken parm. Lee is going crazy (read: delicious) and decides to add bacon. Bastage scoffs. Whitney is putting a twist on the classic chicken parm. To all you Whitney haters, she’s heard your criticism. Whitney is outside the box! (On a side note, I’d much rather be inside Whitney’s box…too much? I never know…) She’s stuffing the chicken.

Now they just have the eggs benedict. Both contestants are again putting a spin on this dish as well, and in a similar way. Lee is replacing the english muffin with a latka, and Whit is replacing it with a gritcake. She’s also adding andouille sausage. Yes, please!

So we’re plating our dishes, and Whit’s cheesecake has lived up to expecations. However, when she tries to plate her eggs benedict, she breaks her poached egg! OMG NO MY POOR HEART!!!! She got a replacement egg! Just in time! I don’t know if my heart can take another of these, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the finale will be just as climactic.

So the first tasting is the eggs benedict. TG tells Lee his poached egg is sexy, and I start getting a bit grossed out at the fact that Teddy seems to like describing all sorts of gooey, runny foods as “sexy.” But then again, he probably sleeps with a jar of mayonnaise under his pillow, so how am I surprised? Teddy tries Whit’s, and is a bit disappointed because the grit cake is a bit too heavy. Lee wins the first challenge! NO! Whitney has to win the remaining two!!!

s-egg-sy

Second up is the chicken parm. Bastage starts with Lee’s, and doesn’t say anything, just gives the classic Bastage staredown. He states that Whit’s tastes more traditional, even though it looks more “rogue.” He goes with the traditional flavor, and we’re tied at 1-1!!!! So of course there’s another tiebreak!

The final dish to be judged is the cheesecake. We feel more comfortable that Whit has this thing in the bag.

CHEESECAKE!!!

Not surprisingly, in the end, regardless of how delicious a cheesecake Lee put on the plate, Whit’s was better, and she’s on to the final!!!

So Lee requests that his mom come down and taste his food, which is super touching. Lee has a little breakdown talking about how glad he is that his mom was there. He leaves with his head high, though, and I maintain that I like this douchebag better than that Sharone douchebag.

We’re down to Tebow and Whitney!

And we get a repeat of the semi-finals! Wow, FOX! It’s like you couldn’t stand the fact that you changed the show between the episodes, so you had to go all repetitive within. Yeesh.

So, here goes. Unlike the first two head-to-heads, our final two minis get to choose whatever they want to cook. One app, one entree, and one dessert. There won’t be any of this BS scoring as each dish is tasted, but instead the judges will try all three, and then talk amongst themselves to decide who wins.

Gotta add at least one more shocked face from Whit.

The judges ask our minis what they’ll be making. Whitney is doing a crispy corn cake with black-eyed pea puree for the app, country-fried chicken over creamed collard greens for the entree, and a white chocolate bread pudding for dessert.

David is preparing a scallop ceviche served with split pea and mint soup, a beef wellington for the entree, and nectarine crepes for dessert. Gordie tells him that beef wellington is one of his signature dishes.

So, Gordie reminds the contestants that they’ve taken out a lot of very deserving candidates. IMO, some more deserving than others. Anyways, the shocking, stunning, amazing surprise for the final is that all 30 of the contestants that made it past the audition round are here! WOW! STUNNING!!!

Look! All those people we stopped caring about weeks ago have come back to watch!!!

Now we get this funny video directing that involves some tribal drum banging in the background as the camera keeps giving us face-off shots off Tebow and Whit, and every time Whitney is on camera she’s kinda half nodding. She’s not fully nodding, but she’s basically posing for her collector’s edition Masterchef bobble-head doll.

I’m gonna fuck you, and fuck you good….

ORLY?? But my gf is here!

Again, they get two hours to do their work. We get interviews with the outcasts, who all tell us who they want to see win. Or a few of them do. Most of them want Whitney. So do I. The judges do what they always do and spend a while talking about what’s going to happen in the round. TG tells them that if Tebow underestimates Whit, he’s gonna lose. Gordie tells us that if Tebow can pull off the menu that he said he’s going with, that he’ll smoke her.

So they’re working on their apps, and suddenly Tebow starts playing the crowd.

This is for you, hot stuff. No, not you…the blonde behind you…yeah, YOU!

He’s just being the same cocky sonofabitch that we all hated to begin the season. Gordie comes over and bitchslaps the everliving shit out of him with one of those “you’re underachieving and it hurts me” routines that my math teachers always used to give me. IT’S NOT MY FAULT THAT I DON’T LIKE MATH, MS BELL!!! We don’t get to choose what we’re good at, I guess…but I digress.

Out of nowhere, we learn that Whitney has changed her mind, and instead of bread pudding she’s making a souffle. Why?!? Bastage comments on the extreme irony that would be present if the “pastry princess” was taken down by her dessert. Kudos to you, sir, on not fucking up “irony.” The truth is, though, that I trust Whit to nail whatever dessert she wants to make. Judging by the reactions around the room, I’m the only one who has any faith in her ability to pull this off. It’s like everyone else forgot that she whooped Sharone’s ass in the souffle cookoff last week!! Maybe the 3 minute recaps ARE necessary! Stop drinking so much during Masterchef, guys!!!

So we move on, and the judges are talking up the selection of Mushrooms that Tebow has chosen. TG is basically stroking them off, and the Tebow takes them and plops them in the food processor. WTF.

Now THIS is what I call a “truffle shuffle.”

We skip away from Tebow and his beef wellington, and we move on to Whitney. She’s working on her country-fried chicken. The judges are talking about how she’s using ingredients that cost like 25% of what Tebow is using. With 15 minutes left, Tebow’s beef wellington is out of the oven, and he slices into it. It looks like it’s cooked perfectly!

Tebow then goes on to tell us that Whit’s biggest weakness is her time management! Then the unthinkable happens.

She dropped the chicken! On the floor!!!!

Her sister starts to say “Oh SHIT!” but realizes her parents are there! LOL! “Oh shiii—-ooooooot!” Oh, to be young again! My mom reads this…so clearly I can no longer to relate what it’s like to be afraid to swear in front of your parents…

The judges can’t believe what’s just happened. Whitney takes a moment to compose herself. She starts on a new piece of chicken! ZOMG there’s no way she can do it in time!!! With 5 minutes left she has it in the pan. There’s heroic music in the background! I’m getting chills!!!!!

There’s a massive 10 second countdown including everyone in the room. Our minis celebrate finally being done cooking, after 2 more grueling hours. But not as grueling as the two hours we’ve spent tonight watching a real cooking show. Ugh. So, our minis are bringing their dishes in one dish at a time.

Welcome to the Masterchef Dining Room.

We start out with the apps. David presents his sea scallop civiche with cream of fresh pea soup. He advises the judges that he would not eat them together, which doesn’t go over so well…he stammers through his justification. The judges taste his dish, and…

…apparently he went overboard with the jalapenos…

The judges can’t believe how hot the dish is. On the other hand, Whit’s dish seems like it could go over well…until the judges determine that she didn’t fully cook the shrimp!!! NO! They step out to the get the entree.

The judges get to judging, and Bastage is totally plugging Tebow, and I’m gonna go ahead and ask all of you to get your minds out of the gutter…now!! There’s only room for one mind down there, and it’s mine! TG explains that Whit’s appetizer would’ve been amazing if not for the small part where she didn’t quite cook it all the way…

So, on to the main course! Beef wellington vs country-fried chicken. We’re just praying her chicken is cooked through. We start off with Tebow and his beef wellington. Gordie likes it, but he explains that while it’s not bad, it’s not perfect. He asks Tebow why he’d choose a dish that took Gordie himself 1,000 times to get right for this competition?

Bastage: “I can see the regret welling in your eyes.” LOL!!!!

We move on to Whit, and her country-fried chicken. Did it cook all the way?!?  Gordie is asking her that exact question. Gordie tells her that cooking a chicken breast in 7 minutes is virtually impossible. Tebow is praying that the answer is no.

Wish. not. granted.

The judges seem to very much appreciate her dish. They note the contrast of her food and Tebow’s. Big city food vs down-home cooking. TG describes it as the culinary civil war. The south will rise, bitches!!! Especially when Whitney is in the room, amiright?

Last up…dessert. Tebow’s nectarine crepes vs Whitney’s white chocolate souffle. The nectarine crepes are up first, and Gordie is very impressed. TG seems to not be impressed by the actual crepe so much as just the filling. Bastage says it’s “tres bon,” which for all you non French speakers means “very good.” Thanks, FOX, for assuming that we can’t remember what happened in a reality show a week ago, but we understand at least a little French. Geez.

Whit’s up, and Gordie can’t believe she took the souffle out of the mold. That was the first thing he was taught in Paris. Regardless of that, the judges seem impressed by Whit’s dessert as well. The judges now need time to discuss! We’re almost there!!!!

After much discussion, they reach the same conclusion that Sean Connery and Christopher Lambert came to many years before – there can be only one (Masterchef).

Gordie talks to both of them about how great they were. He grants them to right to finally stand on the platform with that funny M design which can only stand for Masterchef, right? He pulls an envelope out of his coat, and tells us that the winner of America’s first ever Masterchef…is…COMMERCIAL! They had to do it one more time!!! AGH THE SUSPENSE!!!

So now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for, again….the winner of America’s first ever Masterchef….is….wait, why is he reading this on a note in an envelope? All 3 judges discussed it backstage and came to a conclusion…why the need for stupid suspense-creating devices?!? THE WINNER IS WHITNEY! MY PONY!!!! THERE’S CHAMPAGNE AND CONFETTI AND HAPPY MUSIC, AND THEY’RE CELEBRATING IN SLOW MOTION!!!

And then Gordie gets to do to her…

…what I’ve been wanting to do to her all season!!!!!

And we’re all like “It’s a celebration, bitches!” Tebow is proud of himself, as he should be to make it to the finale. He goes down gracefully, and talks about how she whooped him. We’re all happy. And to end on a happy note, I give you one more pic (and one more plea for someone to introduce me to her…seriously. PLEASE?!?).

Look at this face? How could you not love this?

Well, that’s a wrap for season 1 of Masterchef. I have a couple requests for season 2. Please give me more douchebags to laugh at, please give me another cute girl who goes (at least almost) all the way, and please, for the love of all that’s good and holy…plan your summer schedule better so that it’s not all TWO HOUR EPISODES!!!! Thanks for sticking it out this season! Many tasty dreams to you all!