MasterChef: There’s No “Me” in “Team”

Alrighty, so, as you all know, 2 contestants got sent home last episode. Thanks to that, there are an even number of contestants (yes, there were before we subtracted two, too, but obviously we needed a WITFB challenge first), so what does that mean? TEAM DEATHMATCH!!! What does that mean this time? Working in the cafeteria at the LA Times building. The challenge is to successfully feed all the employees lunch.

“I’ve never liked cafeteria food…I find it to be very low quality…so I’m not exactly thrilled…”

Hey douchenozzle…no one is asking you to eat the fucking food. You should be feeling glad that you have a chance to educate the poor schmucks who think that this food is “good enough” for lunch. Or something.

Ben tells us he’s fed 50 people by himself, at his home (why are we not surprised that Ben is hosting dinner parties?) but he had two days to prep, and is pretty convinced that this is going to be a disaster.

Nail on the head, Ben.

So the first thing they’ve gotta do is choose teams. Do you recall the winners of the last challenge? That’s right…Nazi Max and Deathmetal Derrick.

Suzy is already mad that she’s not one of the team leaders. Secondly, though, she’s nearly in a panic because she is afraid that Nazi Max is going to pick her first. She doesn’t want to be on his team, because his arrogance is through the roof.

Pot, meet kettle. Kettle, this is pot. You’re both fucking black.

Suzy was silly to worry…Max isn’t going to pick her. She doesn’t realize that he hates her as much as she hates him. How does she not realize this, when all he ever does is scoff like Al Gore in a debate every time she receives praise.

Nazi Max tells Gordie that he’s going for that rare combination of power and speed and experience with his first pick, so clearly he can’t drink the wine in front of him! Wait, sorry, wrong story…he picks Born Again Christian!

Suzy makes this face like she can’t believe she wasn’t picked first. Suzy, isn’t this what you were just praying for?

Suzy is reminding me of Eli Manning entering the NFL draft a few years ago. Eli wanted to be picked first because he wanted first pick money, but he was very specific that he would not sign with the Chargers, who were currently holding on to the #1 pick. In the end, the Chargers picked Eli, but then traded him to the NY Giants for a slightly later draft pick, and everyone was happy…except every NFL fan ever, who just thinks Eli is a fucking prick. So, as expected, Derrick picks Suzy with the second overall pick. She trots over, gleaming with smugness.

So, things start going downhill around the 7th overall pick. Gordie asks Max what he’s looking for now, and he replies “I need someone who can do prep work and prepare simple cuisine…” and picks Zoidberg!

The mustache alone says he isn’t one bit pleased with that…

Zoidberg tells us that he’s definitely going to have some issues with an 18 year old telling him what to do. Dude, you’re by far the oldest person in this competition. Would you have felt better if a slightly older Derrick picked you? I mean, man up, guy! If you don’t want to take orders from people, try WINNING A COMPETITION SO YOU CAN BE A CAPTAIN!!!

Also, Nazi Max, wtf was that? I don’t think you could have phrased it any worse. You probably should have just said “I need the person here that I consider the absolute closest thing we have to an illegal immigrant.” At least that way Zoidberg would be certain that he should feel insulted.

So, the remaining picks go down without issue, until the last two…Cammy and Drunk Christine. Without the green top and the dumb hat she doesn’t look so much like Cammie anymore, but I’m keeping the nickname. Anyways, Nazi Max tells that camera, aside, that he wants a stable person on the team, and Drunk Christine is a bit off the handle. So he picks Cammie.

She thinks it’s hilarious that she’s the last pick…

I don’t think it’s funny, nor is it surprising. She’s a head case, and is ALWAYS drinking. I’m not sure if I’d be more worried that she’d accidentally chop her finger off into the food because she was drunk, or that she’d accidentally chop her finger off into the food because she had the shakes.

Gordie explains the stakes again. A billion mouths to feed, only two and a half hours to prep, and don’t fucking run out of food! Also, the losing team faces the first of the pressure tests, and someone will be going the hell home.

So, first, before the cooking begins, the teams group up and decide what exactly they’ll be making. The red team groups up, and before Derrick can get two words out, Suzy is already trying to steal the show. She insists that they should do lasagna for their special.

The words are written all over Ben’s face… “Bitch, please.”

Seriously, no one on the team seems to agree that it’s a good idea, but Suzy just goes ahead and decides that they’re doing lasagna. And then, she has a chat with the camera…

“I’ve never made lasagna before…”

What? Why is that funny? That’s not funny? That’s stupid, that’s what it is. Anyways, the red team’s “huddle” is basically everyone yelling for a couple of minutes, and somehow just magically agreeing on everything. Derrick distributes the tasks, and they’re off.

On the other side, the blue team’s huddle is an exact opposite. Nazi Max just shuts everyone down, tells them what’s what, and they’re off. Zoidberg jumps in with a suggestion for the sliders, and is immediately shot down by everyone. Rather than accepting that it’s just not that great an idea, he gets indignant. I’m sad, I liked him, but he’s acting like a bit of a baby.

Well, now it’s time for the Pros to intervene. First, Bastage asks Suzy what the hell she’s doing with eggplant and lasagna together. Suzy says she’s going to grill the eggplant and then put it in the lasagna. Bastage basically tells her that’s stupid, and if she’s going to use it, she needs to be frying it.

The look of a dog who was just scolded for chewing slippers…

She then tells us that they don’t have a deep fryer, but she’ll figure something out…she’s ready to own this challenge.

On the other side, the blue team is running into a bit of a problem. They were going to make sliders for their specialty, but they don’t have slider-sized buns. Only full sized ones! Zoidberg decides on his own that he’s going to just start making full-sized burgers. Nazi Max tells us that that Zoidberg is only doing this because he’s too lazy to use a cookie cutter to punch out slider-sized buns. Zoidberg tells us that he’s doing it his way because there isn’t enough time. While they’re bickering, Gordie shows up and asks Nazi Max if he’s tasting everything. Whoops.

Turns out Zoidberg didn’t do such a hot job seasoning the beef. They cook up a small patty and Gordie tells him that it’s bland, so now he has to go and re-do all the patties he’d already done.

“I figured a guy like [Zoidberg] would know how to season meat…I guess looks can be deceiving.”

Sigh. Max, I’ve hated you from the get-go, but you’d managed to stay just behind Suzy for ultimate MasterChef douchebag, season 2. Until now. In the time you’ve chopped maybe a pound of bacon, Zoidberg has made like 50 burger patties. You’re just running around bossing your team around like they’re your parents servants.

Zoidberg tells us that he’s been cooking meat for longer than Nazi Max has been alive. Oh, I see what they’re doing. NM and Zoidberg are the rivals for the episode. Of course.

So, back from commercial break, the Pros give us a breakdown of the pizzas. It’s-a Me, Mario’s traditional pizza with prosciutto and arugula, and Ben’s white pizza. All three judges agree that a white pizza is a bit risky in this forum.

And now, just like the red team had issues with their special item, the blue team can’t get the lasagna to work. The noodles weren’t cooked right, it’s messy and greasy and doesn’t hold together well…

I am freaking out…

She can’t seem to understand why the lasagna didn’t just turn out perfectly…Hey Suzy! You’ve never cooked it before. I don’t think anyone on your team has, either. That might have something to do with it. Drunk Christine tries to help out, but Suzy won’t listen to anyone. She tells us that it’s up to her to save the day. Great, she’s trying to be an Adam Vinatieri. Miss the easy field goals during the game, then come back and nail the 52-yarder in the snow to win, and suddenly you’re the hero (regardless of the fact that you were only losing at all because you shanked 2 35-yarders earlier in the game). Then the camera accidentally focuses on her again…

“Wow, this is really good!!”

This is what kills me…she spends half the time on camera just jerking herself off all over the kitchen. I’m pretty sure Suzy and Nazi Max will be having “we’re so much better than everyone else” hate sex by the end of the season.

Derrick is expressing his concern that his team is the underdog, all thanks to Suzy’s shitty lasagna.

Well, it’s time to feast. And here’s where the shit hits the fan. Literally. Ok, not literally, but holy crap, it may as well be. We start out with a bunch of the customers not incredibly pleased with Suzy’s lasagna, and out of the gates the blue team seems to be winning. But, because this is MasterChef, we know it can’t just be that easy. And, just like that, It’s-a Me, Mario runs out of pizza. He can’t keep up with the demand. He’s never cooked for this many people, so he’s in over his head. To compound things, Zoidberg is falling behind on the burgers, too! The blue team is hemorrhaging points!!! Nazi Max decides he has to step up and save the day!

Max heroically runs into the back to start pre-cooking some burgers to hopefully speed things up and get the demand under control! Unfortunately, he can’t find anything to transport the burgers to the grill, except a dirty cookie tray with roasted walnuts all over it!

This is what happens when rich kids try to do shit on their own…

So, thanks to Max contaminating the burgers, 26 patties are gone, and now they’re running out of burgers. Way to go, Richie Rich. Of course, 3 minutes later Nazi Max is telling us that they ran out of burgers because they made them too big. Couldn’t have anything to do with the nearly 30 you had to throw away, now, could it? The best part is, he’s just standing around talking to the camera while the rest of his team is trying to figure out how to save themselves.

Hey fuckface! MOOOOOOOOOOOOVEE!

So the blue team is getting the chicken burgers on the grill, and quickly, but things aren’t looking good. And, then, just to keep things interesting, red team is running out of lasagna! But, lucky for them, it doesn’t actually run out in time to do them any damage, as the last person in line gets their tray! The judges get the two teams together, and Gordie tells them to remember, one team is going home! And, upon hearing those words, Suzy just starts crying…

Look at Ben’s face. I don’t think his heart is in this whole “comforting Suzy” thing…

Drunk Christine says she sees Suzy crying, but everyone there knows the lasagna was shitty, so Suzy needs to stop crying because she’s getting no sympathy.

Alright, so the scores are in and…well, I’ll try to make this easy. The blue team won the soup (chicken chili), but the red team won the salad (watermelon salad). Third is the pizza, which was It’s-a Me, Mario vs Ben. Ben’s pizza beat the crap out of the actual Italian’s pizza, so that’s another point for red! Bastage is very hard on It’s-a Me, Mario. But then, we get to the special, which was Suzy’s shitty lasagna vs the not-enough-burgers for the blue team. Amazingly, despite them running out, the burgers STILL beat the lasagna! I’m sure the chicken burgers they switched to helped a little, late in the game…Gordie commends Born Again Christian and Zoidberg for their excellent recovery. He says nothing to Nazi Max!

Well, so, as would be expected, they’re tied after 4 courses. It’s all down to the desert! Chocolate chip cookies vs Berries and Cream. Somehow the berries and cream beats the cookie, and the red team wins! They celebrate like they ALL just won MasterChef.

I don’t know what they’re all so excited about. I’ll just call my dad and have him fix this…

Gordie tells the blue team to go home and get a good night’s sleep, because they have their pressure test in the morning. Now is time for the finger pointing, because obviously losing a team event is the fault of one person. Well, if it is, it’s the team captain. BA Christian and Zoidberg tells us that Nazi Max sucked…because he spent the whole time running around bossing people around, and didn’t actually do anything.

NM tells us that he’s really angry at Zoidberg and It’s-a Me, Mario!, who Max thinks must be completely ashamed of himself for losing the pizza. This kid gets to be more and more of a prick by the minute. Granted, it’s probably not a good thing for the real Italian guy to lose a pizza cooking contest, but still. Max, you didn’t do anything! SHUT UP!

So the next day, all 16 contestants arrive back at the MasterChef kitchen. Gordie rehashes the events of the previous day. Max tells us that he’s worried for a few people on the team, but he could really care less if Zoidberg gets canned. Really, Max? You could care less?!? With all the money your parents spent on your schooling, couldn’t you perhaps try to not sound like an idiot? When you say you could care less, all you’re saying is that you care somewhere between ALMOST NONE (still some room to go down, there) and infinitey. Basically, you can almost always care less. The only situation where “I could care less” is untrue is when you couldn’t care less, which is what you meant to say, you self-righteous prick.

To mix things up and get the juices flowing for the pressure test, Teddy asks Nazi Max what went wrong.

This guy looks like he knows how to stir the pot…

Max says he would have liked people to do things differently, but he didn’t have the balls to say anything at the time. What? Max, all you did yesterday was say shit. TG then asks Zoidberg what he thought of Max’s leadership, and he tells us that he didn’t need any leadership, that he could’ve done it fine on his own, and can handle any job that’s given to him.

Gordie calls BS.

Look, Z, we all know that Nazi Max is a dickface. We all know that he was a shitty leader. And yes, it’s annoying that he’s running around blaming you and It’s-a Me, Mario for the shortcomings of the team. But here’s the deal…you fucked up. You didn’t make nearly enough burgers, and that part had nothing to do with Max. You just didn’t get it done. So stop acting like Max being a twat is the whole reason your team lost. It makes you look like almost (ok, not ALMOST, but kinda-almost) as much of a douche as him.

Oh, and one other thing…that “just a boy being a boy, and not being able to handle the criticism from a man” thing? What the fuck is that? Because a man sucks it up and swallows his pride and does what’s necessary to help his team win.

Can I get an amen? I’m already getting a bit tired of this primeval chest-bumping.

Alright, so let the pressure test begin. This time around they’ve got to make a ravioli with a spinach and ricotta filling. Mario tells us he hates ravioli, so he doesn’t have an advantage in this test. The judges tell everyone that they must use a simple butter sauce so they can’t hide shitty pasta, which is primarily what they’re being judged on. They get one hour, and they’re off!

Bastage starts walking around asking the contestants who they’re most nervous for. Most of them say Zoidberg. The judges then convene to make sure we know they know what they’re talking about.

Max is struggling with his pasta…that’s a metaphor…

As we near the 10 minute mark, Esther in her Michelle Rodriguez outfit is still working on getting her pasta thin enough, Max is just trying to get his pasta through the press, and the rest of the guys seem to be moving along nicely. We reach the 10 second countdown, and the camera shows us everyone finishing up.

They add Ben to the shot for dramatic flair.

Even Nazi Max is nervous. I wanted him to knock Suzy out first, but I can’t be too picky. I’d be happy if he was sent home today.

They start out by tasting Mario’s ravioli. Amazingly, none of them seem very impressed. Gordie reminds him that someone is going home, and he didn’t think that Mario would be a candidate for dismissal.

Zoidberg is next. Even worse than Mario, Zoidberg’s pasta is way too thick. Max smirks in the background.

Third is Nazi Max. Gordie tells him he did the right thing by tasting and scrapping his first batch, and starting over with just under 10 minutes left to get it right. Max isn’t going home today, for sure.

…guess who isn’t happy about that…

Tracy is fourth. She seems to have done pretty ok, but they’re fairly non-committal.

Born Again Christian is fifth. His is solid too. Another one not going home…

Alejandra is sixth. Gordie is really impressed, and says it’s one of the best raviolis he’s ever had.

MichRod is seventh. She tells us that she’s happy with how it looks, but she didn’t taste it herself, so she can only hope. Wow…not too bright.

Also, has anyone else noticed that they have this banner up EVERY time she’s been interviewed? The MichRod tanktop is too racy for FOX?

ZOMG SOMEONE CALL THE FCC! WARDROBE MALFUNCTION! WARDROBE MALFUNCTION!!!!

Bastage notices that there’s a funny taste in the filling. Gordie tells her that the pasta itself is perfect, but then asks if there’s an egg yolk in the filling. MichRod doesn’t remember…

I think that’s a new one for Gordie…

Cammy is up last. Everyone remarks on the absurdity of her using nutmeg IN the pasta.  Gordie tells her that he thinks she may have blown it.

Gordie calls everyone to the front. Bells are tolling in the background. Bastage tells them that it seemed like a few of them kind of missed the point of the challenge. Then TG calls the following five people to step forward: Mario, Tracy, Nazi Max, Alejandra, BA Christian. Those five…they’re safe! The go up on the balcony.

The three remaining give a quick speech to the camera about how they hope they’re not the one that gets sent home. Gordie tells Zoidberg and Cammy to step forward. He then addresses MichRod. He tells her that her dish was not MasterChef quality. After some dramatic pauses, he tells her that regardless of everything, she’s through! The tank top lives on! I don’t think Zoidberg or Cammy can believe it!

Gordie sends Zoidberg home, but tells him that he’s a good cook, and that he’d better not go back to being a trucker. Zoidberg takes it well, and handles himself with dignity.

Max is loving it.

Gordie tells him to leave his apron and head on home. Last remaining is Cammy, and Gordie sends her upstairs to be with everyone else. She tells the camera that this will be her defining moment. Don’t bet on it…

Well, we’re up to the “next time on…” segment, so here’s where I leave you all. I’m pretty sure most of you don’t want to see Suzy or Nazi Max win this whole thing, right? But are the rest of you as ready as I am for them to give this “rivalry” thing a rest?