MasterChef: Three….Two….ONE1111!!!!

Alright, so, who’s ready for the two-hour finale? I know it was two episodes that they just crammed together thanks to Obama’s impromptu speech a few weeks back, but here we go. Last episode, Suzy was sent home…ousted in a lemon meringue pie cookoff by Christian. I can’t say I’ll miss her. So, the final 3 are introduced to us all over again. Most of the focus is on Born Again Again Again Christian’s arrogance. Christian tells us he has a right to be arrogant now that he’s in the top 3. Cammy and YoAdrien round out the  group.

So, after the re-introductions, we notice there are these funny wooden boxes sitting on the stations…so I guess, unlike last year, that the

WHAT’S IN THE FUCKIN’ BOX?!?!?!?!?!

challenge is there til the bitter end. So the minis countdown 3….2….1…. and lift the boxes. And it’s a fuckin’ chicken, and only a chicken. This time, the judges are giving them full access to the pantry. As always, the winner will have a huuuuuuuuge advantage going into the elimination test…which always seems to work as a disadvantage for some reason…

So they get one hour to cook a stunning chicken, and they’re off to the races. BA Christian and YoAdrien are both a little lost as to what they’re going to do for their dish, while Cammy knows right off the bat. She tells us that Christian doesn’t deserve to be here, because he can’t think outside the box. Christian tells us he can’t believe Cammy is still here, because he didn’t think she would make it this far.

Gordie stops by to talk to Cammy first…he confirms that at this point she’s not afraid of anyone, but that she can’t stand Christian. Wow…even the judges are getting in on this. She confirms that she can’t stand him.

They stop by Adrien’s station next, and he tells Bastage that, just like every other mystery box, he’s cooking without a plan.

Ya know, I tried that once, and now I have no hair.

Bastage asks if that’s worked out well for him, and Adrien points to his two previous mystery box wins (plus all the top 3s). Bastage seems unimpressed.

So, lastly…Gordie heads back to Christian. They talk for about 7 seconds about his herb butter chicken and carrot puree, and for about 45 seconds about how much he hates Cammy. Guys, I’m DYING to know what started this feud. I mean, I’m sure it’s possible that, for no apparent reason, Christian just chose Cammy as the one to hate, but I feel like there has to be more to it than that. A little game of Just the Tip gone wrong or something.

With 15 minutes left, the judges reconvene to talk about the dishes. They all agree that Cammy’s looks amazing. Bastage states that he’s worried about Adrien’s lack of direction, and that Christian is using way too much butter.

With 5 minutes left, as always, it’s a mad fuckin scramble for the finish line. Adrien tells us he’s happy with his dish. The final seconds tick away, and the minis all plate their dishes.

Christian is called up first. Gordie tastes his chicken, and says it’s frickin’ delicious. The first hour of this episode really drove me insane. Why? Because every time someone says something good to Christian, it’s

Grrrrrr……U mad bro?

And then anytime something nice is said to Cammy, it’s all

UuuuuggghhhhhhU mad bro?

So Adrien is called up next, and after all the grief he got about only using a little of the meat, the judges love his dish. How weird.

Last is Cammy, and her dish, despite the fact that everyone thought it’d be amazing, isn’t well received. The leg is undercooked, the breast is overcooked, and it just wasn’t too impressive in general.

They confer, and decide that Cammy’s dish was the worst. The dish that won, however, was Adrien’s. So, he gets the huge advantage, but all 3 minis are invited into the pantry. The theme of the elimination test is Bastage’s favorite ingredients. Three ingredients, three cooks. The three ingredients are veal, mushrooms, and octopus.

Adrien’s goal is to keep Christian from taking the octopus, so he takes it for himself! Uh oh! Is this gonna turn from “YoAdrien” to “NoAdrien”?? He claims he’s cooked with it before, so I guess he’s still got a chance. That leaves Christian to pick his ingredient, and by elimination decide what Cammy will cook with. Christian tries to play the mind games, too, and decides she’d probably rather cook with veal, so he takes that for himself, leaving her with mushrooms. Turns out she grew up in the mushroom capital of the US.

I imagine it looks something like this…

Whoops. Christian just felt this blow up in his face, and doesn’t enjoy it. The minis get 10 minutes in the pantry, starting right meow. They go nuts, grab their shit, and then time is up and Gordie tells them “Oh, but there is just one. more. thing.” …

LOOOOOOOOSERS!!!!!!

Yeah, that’s right, all the other 15 minis that have been canned since entering the MasterChef kitchen are back to watch this stunning episode. They ask how many restaurants Max owns by now, and Ben reaffirms his statement that YoAdrien will win it all. Then Gordie asks Hooch if “they” let her out or if she had to escape…

Man, Hooch is CRAZY!

And then, of course, is Suzy. And they ask her questions, and I’m just like “WHYYYYYY????” It’s almost worse than ever, because I thought she was gone, but she’s still here running her stupid whore mouth. She says she wants Christian to win, so she can say she lost to the best. Of course…I could lose to Rafael Nadal at tennis and say I’ve lost to the best. Assuming he’s still #1? I originally wrote Tiger Woods (and golf), but I knew that was wrong. Oh well.

I missed you, MichRod. No tank-top, but that’s ok. It’s no longer required after you’ve died your heroic death.

Now Gordie tells the failed minis to GTFO of the kitchen to make room for the ones who didn’t fail. Cammy busts out some shitty analogies about how she has to act like a racehorse and put her blinders on and pee where she’s standing. Gordie tells the final 3 to get their A-Game on. They get one hour for the elimination challenge.

Christian makes a chess analogy, about how all the people on the balcony are the sacrificial pawns, and all that’s left are the bishop, the horse, and the castle. Well, firstly, in any combination, those 3 pieces being the only ones remaining means the game is over…because there are 0 kings. Weird. Second, fine…call the rook a “castle.” I can handle that. But if you’re making a chess analogy…maybe don’t call the knight a “horse.”  To me, that’s like if I said “Christian winds up and hits a foul ball for a touchdown!” If you’re making an analogy, do it with a subject you’re comfortable with.

So, funny thing…up on the balcony, Suzy is still talking! And for some fucking reason the camera guy is recording her. But, even more funny…she’s talking to Nazi Max!!! Didn’t they hate each other? She tells him that she’s really pissed, because Cammy stole her spot.

Notice the look on Nazi Max’s face. I can’t figure out if he’s trying to tune her out, or thinking of the best way to murder her.

Suzy, go fuck a goat. Seriously. No one “stole” your spot. You just lost. Plain and simple.  Cammy won like three times as many events as you. Which means that, despite your delusions, she probably deserves to be here more than you. But regardless, I’m glad she’s here and you’re not, because watching you cry on the sidelines is way better than hearing you talk about how great your dish is.

And then shit gets kinda real. Christian forgot to grab flour from the pantry. So he asks if anyone has flour. Well, one person does, but Cammy won’t give him any. I’m torn on my thoughts here, but ultimately this is everyone for himself, so…

This, of course, starts another annoying as fuck section where Cammy and Christian just talk about how awful they think the other is. I mean, it’s worse than Max and Suzy back in the beginning, because much of what they’re saying is kind of unfounded. Things like “Christian is a fraud.” Either she doesn’t know what that means, or she doesn’t care. Either way, at this point we’re entering the realm of retarded.

Christian’s veal shanks aren’t going to be done in time, so now he’s had to switch gears and cook chops instead. Suzy notices this and for some fucking reason the assholes with the cameras are still letting her talk on film.

Dikembe Mutombo says “no, no, no.”

With 15 minutes left, Cammy decides she’s going to do a ravioli instead. Suzy tells everyone on the balcony that she’s screwed. Then Cammy really steps it up, and decides to add a whole egg yolk to her ravioli. Risky! Bastage says that she should be very scared right now, because she’s low on time. Gordie counts down from ten amidst the cheers from the peanut gallery and the other 14 minichefs not named Suzy.

Adrien steps up first. He’s got the octopus with some rice and a salad. The rice, this time, is a massive disappointment, but the salad was good, and the octopus was amazing.

Christian is up second. Bastage immediately asks him why he put the bone-in veal chop on top of a bed of mashed potatoes. He proceeds to take it off and slice it, and then plate the dish properly for Christian. The consensus is that it’s pretty ok, but not his best work.

Last is Cammy. Christian tells us he hopes they cut in and it’s a hard-boiled egg yolk. Sorry, Christian, it’s not. She seems to have cooked it perfectly, though it could use a little seasoning.

They confer, and a decision is reached. First, Gordie tells them that they are the correct 3 to still be standing (IN YOUR FUCKIN’ FACE, SUZY!!!). The first person to secure his place in the MasterChef final is…ADRIEN!!! The Octopus didn’t fuck him after all! So it’s down to Cammy and Christian. The person going head-to-head with Adrien is…

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Cammy!

And now another 2 minutes of Cammy just talking about how shitty Christian is. See, now I just don’t want her to win. The longer this drags out, the shittier I think she is, too.

So, here we go. Down to just two. Who will be the Highlander?

All the failed minis are here to witness this slightly-less-historic-than-last-year’s finale, this time all dressed up. As was expected, the families of Cammy and Adrien are brought in Adrien’s first. It’s touching, and the touchingness of it (wait, wtf, touchingness is a word?!?) gets to Ben. I laughed, but mostly at Tracy’s reaction next to him.

Get a load of this guy, he’s fuckin’ CRYING at Masterchef, and he’s not even competing anymore.

It’s funny, I spent last season making fun of Tebow for all his tears, and this season there have been quite a few contestants that have put him to SHAME. Granted, they’ve all been women…and Ben.

Cammy is not a pretty crier.

Alright, so it’s time to get the families out of the way….they join the minis on the balcony. Both of them tell us how they’re going to win. The final challenge, like last year, is that they have to make an appetizer, an entree, and a dessert. They get sent off into the pantry to grab their food, and a lot of the minis tell us who they think will or should win. Funny, it seems very divided along gender lines.

Cammy is making seared scallops and quail egg for the appetizer, quail stuffed with chorizo for the entree, and poached pears for dessert. Adrien is making spot prawn taquitos for his appetizer, beer braised short ribs for his entree, and a chocolate tart with some chilis for dessert. Bastage says he thinks Cammy will win. Teddy votes for Adrien. Gordie doesn’t vote. The peanut gallery keeps chiming in. Apparently Suzy has picked Adrien to win, because she’s cheering him on. Ugh.

Both of them are really in the zone at the beginning.

This, to me, is a horrible setup. What if you accidentally peed in your competitor’s food? Could you even be blamed?!?

And then…shit goes south. Suddenly Cammy is running all over the place, and Adrien’s chocolate cake has sunk. Whoops. He has a plan to salvage it…and let’s be honest, it’s nowhere near as tragic a mistake as Whitney dropping her fried chicken last year! There’s still some hope.

Adrien spends some time talking about how Cammy poached pears for dessert, and that’s lame and not hard. Cammy talks about how Adrien used the pressure cooker to make his short ribs, and how that’s practically cheating. Yadda yadda. They count down from 10, and the challenge is complete. All that’s left is to listen to the judges talk about everything, and make a final decision!

Teacher, please…it’s been TWO HOURS! Can I please go to the bathroom now?!?

So, here goes. The two minis bring their appetizers into the MasterChef restaurant. Cammy’s appetizer is up for review first. Her scallops are well cooked. Teddy points out that the egg should probably have been among the scallops if the intent was to get some egg yolk on all the scallops. Also, she left the little muscle that attaches the scallop to it’s shell attached to one of them. GASP!

Who’d have thought that something so tiny could do so much damage….THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!!!

After the commercial, it’s time for them to taste Adrien’s appetizer. They love the presentation, but there’s a bit of an issue in that maybe there wasn’t enough prawn to counteract the rest of the filling. Overall it’s good, just the main ingredient was a bit hidden.

While the minis head out to get their entrees, the judges sit behind and talk about the appetizers. It seems that Bastage prefers Adrien’s dish, Gordie prefers Cammy’s, and Teddy is speaking in vague statements that don’t really give us a good idea one way or another.

So, for the entrees, Cammy presents her quail first again. Turns out that, despite having never cooked it before, she nailed it.

Tough break, Adrien.

It’s weird…like how last year Tebow did the beef wellington and fell flat on his face, but this year Cammy took an equally insane risk, and didn’t stumble. They try Adrien’s dish next, and they seem to think it’s the greatest thing ever. They all talk about how it’s just absolutely incredible, so did Cammy get upstaged?

The minis head out to get their desserts, and the judges talk about it. They start off talking about how Adrien’s dish is the kind of thing that gets restaurants on the map….buuuuuuut apparently the fact that he cooked them in a pressure cooker (even though in 2 hours that’s the only way you’d get them right) makes it somehow less impressive. I mean, the pressure cooker doesn’t suggest that he combine chipolte and chocolate and beer, does it? Or help him season it perfectly?

They turn the conversation to Cammy’s, and can’t get over the perfect technique. So if I’m betting, I’m pretty sure that Cammy took the entree round. All and all, I think we’re pretty much even after the first two rounds…maybe a SLIGHT edge to Cammy.

What a surprise…dessert is the tiebreaker. Stunning.

Last up is desserts. Again, Cammy presents first. Teddy says it leaves something to be desired, but I assume if you’re Teddy Graham, anything short of a pillowcase full of Halloween candy leaves something to be desired…Bastage says it’s good, but he’d probably consider ordering an actual dessert after eating that. He calls it a “pre-dessert.”  I’m not sure I’d have expected Bastage to be the one to coin the term “pre-dessert.” I’d more have expected that of Teddy. Gordie says it has no wow-factor.

So this could be an easy win at this point, if Adrien didn’t fail the dessert. Aaaaaannnnddddd, the chocolate cake is a bit too dry. Bastage is horribly let down… and Gordie gives him the “I’m very disappointed” thing.

So of course, not only does it come down to dessert, but it comes down to SHITTY dessert. In listening to the judges talking about it, I’ve got a pretty good idea of who’s going to win, and I’m not so happy about it. I’d love to be surprised here, but I don’t see it coming. Which I guess is a pretty fundamental aspect of a surprise.

The judges bring the two minis up on the platform for the big announcement. Why does it matter where they stand? Because, clearly, the confetti is rigged above said platform.

Something tells me this “supporting arm around the other” thing is all for show…

So, Gordie talks and talks and talks and talks. And talks. And then he says he’s going to announce a winner. And then he pauses. For like 5 fucking minutes. And then they finally announce the winner. Or are going to, but the pause is so long, he’s got to repeat the whole “and the winner of this year’s MasterChef is…”

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CAMMY! HWBEGFEHUBFIOUBQWDO:HUASOFPUBADIP:SBG:AS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Well…ok, from the final 4, she would’ve been my second choice, but still. I definitely wanted to see Adrien win it. It’s like what they say in sports, though…it’s not the team that has the best record entering the playoffs that wins everything…it’s the team that gets hot at the right time. And that’s pretty much what she did, after such a terrible start to the competition. So I guess grats go to Cammy, because she earned it. She just wasn’t my first choice.

Also, I kept trying for a shot of Cammy amidst confetti or champagne spray, but the geniuses running the camera didn’t hook me up, so I’m giving you a picture of our judges spraying the champagne instead, and you’re going to like it, dammit!

So, in looking over my recap of the finale last year…I saw one part where I had a few requests of MasterChef in season 2. They were:

More douchebags to laugh at.
A cute girl that makes it til almost the end
A better schedule that doesn’t result in 2 hours of MasterChef a week

So, how’d they do?

Well, I didn’t get the kind of douchebags I was hoping for (a la Sharone), but there were definitely a few decent characters. Though I still felt like there was just too much vanilla in there, all the way to the end (DAMN Cammy was a boring winner to me).
No. NO NO NO. Missed by a fuckin’ mile. I mean, MichRod would’ve been fun to take for a spin, perhaps, but there was no one to fawn over for sure.
………..thanks, FOX. You fucking assholes.

Well, that wraps up another season. Somehow this dumb show seems to keep me coming back for more every week, and I’m sure it’ll bring me back next season. It’s been a crazy ride, for sure, and a big thanks to the many of you who’ve been along for it. At the risk of sounding mega cheesy, if it weren’t for you guys reading and commenting, all this writing really wouldn’t be so much fun for me. They’ve already set up season 3, so I hope you’ll all come back for more next summer.

In the meantime, I’ll be laying low, writing about my other stupid-fun show until then. If any of you feel like stopping by Hawaii Five-0 on account of my shameless plug, I’d love to have ya. Until then, well….

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You stay classy…