MasterChef: Whitney’s Crispy Catfish

Alright, guys, another episode of MasterChef, and another elimination. Not that anyone will actually miss this one, since you may actually have forgotten she existed, but…I’m getting ahead of myself, and that can lead to premature recapitulation, which is just disappointing for everyone involved.

So, as you all recall, last episode we said “auf wiedersehen!” to Nazi Max. Also, Drunk Christine finally passed, out and woke up as Hooch, her crazy alter ego. Very strong tension formed between Hooch and MichRod, Gordie blathered like an idiot, Nazi Max took it on the chin well, and that’s what you missed on Glee MasterChef… BOM!

THIS time, on MasterChef…there’s a mystery box challenge! Stunning!

Seriously, I’m struggling to get into this right now…

And man, they do not waste any time getting down to business today. Just right out the gates, Gordie tells them there’s a mystery box challenge, and on the count of three they have to lift the boxes CAREFULLY, because…

It bites. And so does my show…wait, out loud? Was that…that was out loud, wasn’t it?

So everyone is freaked out…he keeps warning them to keep their hands out of the way, and they lift the boxes and…

Yeah, he wasn’t kidding…it sure does bite.

All vegetables. I THOUGHT WE SAID NO MORE JOURNEY PSYCH-OUTS!!!

The challenge is to create a real vegetarian entree…not a salad or shitty side, but a stand-alone dish. Personally, I’d take this, go out back, and use it to lure a rabbit. Then I could probably make a wicked rabbit stew.

Of course, the first contestant to share her thoughts with us is…SUZY!!! She tells us she couldn’t be more excited, because veggies?!? YUM!!! And, of course, she’s Indian and there’s curry powder.

If you cut me open there’d be curry powder coming out!!

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!! Seriously, guys, there are knives ALL OVER THE KITCHEN!! Someone get one and stab this bitch! She’s literally* begging for it! (*ok, not literally…)

Gordie reminds them that the winner will get an ENORMOUS advantage in the elimination challenge, which is next. Again, not as enormous as Christian not having to participate that one time, but pretty big still…

So, 3….2…1….they’re off! Immediately we see Suzy, who’s already talking to herself and the air about how amazing her dish is. Apparently Hooch eats her fallen opponents’ hearts or something, because she is all over this…

“…Suzy should probably just…shut the hell up.” Also, seriously, what is the deal with her lipstick?!? What do you call that shade? “I just ate a horse heart” red?!?

Hooch then goes on to say that MichRod can’t cook, either, and she suspects that she’s just stupid. Yay for random pot-shots just to remind us that Hooch does not like MichRod.

And then, a new rivalry is born, out of nowhere. Virgin Mary, you’ve got NOTHING on this immaculate conception. Born Again Christian and Cammy apparently do not get along so well.

“I told her she’s a bitch, and she’s gonna get what she deserves…”

Wait, what?!? Seriously, maybe there needs to be a camera in the bunks or whatever. If my years of watching MTV’s real world have taught me anything, it’s that Christian tried to get her into bed, and she made fun of him for having a small penis.

He then goes on to tell Gordie that he thinks YoAdrien is probably his biggest competition in this challenge, and then makes fun of Adrien for cooking another dish with “fuckin’ rice, again.” I’m not sure where this side of BA Christian came from, but he’s a dick.

Suzy tells us she hopes this is her moment to get “back on top.” When have you been on top? That’s what I want to know. Because I’ve been watching this stupid show, and guess what? I’ve seen you not win anything yet.

She also tells us that she’s in love with her dish. Well, you’d better love it, Suzy, because it’s the only thing in the world that has a hope of loving you back.

Time runs out, and Suzy tells us that there’s “no way the judges won’t be calling [her] name.” Of course, the judges start out with their token worst dish of the contest. And it belongs to Christian!

Wait, whaaaaat?

Bastage tells him that they didn’t expect this level of shittery from him, and they were really disappointed. Christian tells the judges that he thinks they’re wrong, that his wasn’t the worst dish here. By the way, that’s a bad point to be arguing. He attempts to strengthen his argument by saying MichRod’s dish looked pretty shitty, too.

WTF, bus driver! Did you not see what happened to the last two people to fuck with me? If I get another chance, I will abandon you to a 1 on 1 cookoff with Hooch!

The judges tell him they don’t give two flying fucks if he agrees with them, because they’re the judges. Gordie tells him that they’re trying to give him constructive criticism…of course, he doesn’t seem to understand that “constructive criticism” centers around what could have been done better, not statements like “your dish was subpar.” “Your dish was subpar because you don’t know how to season vegetables, and should have used less salt” would be constructive. But whatever.

Also, this was the dish. It just looks…ew….

So, on to the people who didn’t cook dogshit. First called up is Cammy! Oh, you know Born Again is PISSED at that. She brings up her dish, and Gordie tells her she should’ve cooked the eggplant longer, but that it’s good. The other two second that. Only two more spots for Suzy…

The second dish belongs to YoAdrien. His dish is also quite a hit. BA Christian is a bit annoyed now that the two people he talked shit about are up front, while his dish is the worst. Only one more spot for Suzy…

And the last spot goes to…Alejandra! Bahahaha!!

If I didn’t loathe her so much, I’d probably feel a little bad for her.

I mean, seriously, with Nazi Max gone, I don’t have a good outlet for my hate except Suzy. Sure, they’re trying to bring out Christian into the villain’s corner, but he’s just not quite there yet for me. Anyways, Alejandra’s dish is also a huge success, but we also know that there can only be one winner. And the winner is Cammy! Wow, out of nowhere! And she drops a stunning line of what the fuckery on us.

“Lemme tell ya something. If I’m running a 100-yard dash, and I get to start at the 50-yard line, I can guarantee I’m probably gonna win.”

I don’t know which word in that statement she understands the least… “probably,” guarantee,” “I?”

Alright, so Cammy gets taken backstage to learn what her huge advantage is. And, as I mentioned earlier, she’s not invincible in this challenge. They tell her that the theme of the challenge today is not a what, but a who!

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!!

HOLY CRAP IT’S WHITNEY!!! Just as I’d given up hope on her making a guest appearance on the show, BOOM! I seriously wish I had a video of my reaction, because I was lying on my couch, covered in a blanket, and when they announced it I’m pretty sure my entire body lifted off the couch, and I sent the blanket flying, knocking over my beer in the process. It was…well, spectacularly embarassing!

But seriously, Whitney’s not cute as a button. Buttons are as cute as her! Amirite?

Ok, so back to the challenge. Our minis are required to cook one of Whitney’s dishes from scratch, without a recipe. Cammy’s first advantage is that she gets to pick from three dishes: BBQ chipotle chicken, shrimp and grits, or fried catfish with coleslaw and sweet potato fries.

Cammy chooses…fried catfish.

Whitney and Gordie present it to the group. MichRod tells us that she grew up in LA, so why would she ever want to eat Southern food? What? That’s kind of a dumb question. You didn’t grow up in China, but you eat Chinese food I’m sure. You probably eat Italian food. I’m trying not to hate you, but you’re talking about Southern food like it’s garbage, and that is something I simply cannot abide.

Stabbity…

So Cammy’s second big advantage is that she gets a basket that contains all the ingredients in the dish. As per always, there are groans from the other contestants, like it’s an unfair advantage…but if they’d stop fucking up the WHAT’S IN THE FUCKIN’ BOX challenge, they’d have a shot at it too.

So all the minis come up to taste Whitney’s Crispy Catfish (there’s a joke there, but I can’t write “I want to taste Whitney’s Crispy Catfish” without getting hung up on “crispy.” <shudders…>), and after they’ve all had their chance to figure out what’s in it, Whitney kicks off the challenge.

Your time starts…NOW!!! (sorry, I know that was a really unnecessary pic, but I really couldn’t resist!)

And then Whitney leaves. Apparently she’s not sticking around to judge it this time.

So our minis get going, and the camera is whirling around the room to see how everyone is doing. Most of them seem a bit confused by the slaw. That’s understandable, because in the slaw is: purple cabbage, green apples, carrots, jalapenos, walnuts, and brussels sprouts.

Born Again Christian seems to be, well, pardon the pun, but…reborn. He’s at least accepted that he screwed the pooch on the veggie dish, and that’s a big step. Except he’s still suddenly this loud, obnoxious, sing-speaking dickforbrains. I wonder if he was like this the whole time, and we just never saw it? Who knows.

Our contestants are all having some trouble frying on an open flame, and quite a few of them almost burn the kitchen down. Hooch then loses control and starts throwing shit around, which is just adding to the tension. And Christian is doing his best Steven Tyler and still singspeaking everyting. So. Much. Rage.

The time is running out, and the minis scurry around trying to duplicate the plating of the dish. Hooch can’t get the fancy paper cone that the sweet potato fries are in under control, and tantrums again.

For reference, this is Whitney’s Crispy Catfish.

The first minichef on the stand is Cammy. As expected, because she had all the ingredients, Cammy does well enough to ensure she’s not eliminated. The judges all think she did pretty good, but probably not good enough to win this challenge.

Born Again Christian, being from New England, knows about frying fish. Maybe not catfish in particular, but it seems like he nails it.

MichRod is next, and she also did it right.

Fourth is It’s-a Me, Mario! He also gets it. That’s funny, because he talked about how he doesn’t like catfish because it looks like a cat, and makes a pun about how he feels like a fish out of water on this challenge.

Fifth up is Alejandra. She put garlic in the tartar, and also completely botched the frying.

Let there be tears!!!

Deathmetal Derrick is 6th, and fails miserably on the frying, as well, and misses on the slaw as well. Not good.

Gordie gets pissed now that we’ve had a bad streak. Bastage chimes in by asking if anyone has ever gone to a restaurant and had a really great dish, and gone back and it wasn’t so good…he says it’s “the most disappointing thing you can experience.”

I beg to differ.

7th up is YoAdrian, and he completely forgot to mimic Whitney’s plating. Big whoops. Bastage gets mad, and completely redoes the plating with his bare hands, including scooping the tartar sauce out of the little bowl it’s in. Hilarious.

Jennie is 8th, and she’s hoping that her dish will brighten the mood. She apparently oversalted the shit out of the fish, and clearly used a food processor to make the slaw, to the point that Teddy says it looks “pre-chewed.” Ew.

Ben is called up 9th. Gordie tries it without a word. Bastage takes a bite, and then gives a full three second Bastage staredown, before yelling “WHY DON’T YOU COOK LIKE THIS ALL THE TIME?!?!”

Easy there, tigerblood…

Well, so they only showed us 9. We know that Erryn, Tracy, Suzy, and Hooch are safe, but also that they’re not in the top 2. Speaking of top two, the team captains for next week will be!!!!

Christian, and Ben!

I…wow…I, I’m not sure I see either of them running a team very well. This should be interesting.

And for the more interesting part. The bottom 3 of this competition are: YoAdrien, Jennie, and Alejandra. Wowzer!

Gordie tells Jennie to step forward, and asks if that was really her at her best. She says no, and he tells her to take her apron off! WOW! That’s like “I’m gonna slap you on the count of <slap!!>”

I mean, let’s be honest, how many of you assumed that when her name was called first, she’d be sent back to her station? I know I did.

Now, another moment of honesty. Who actually cares that she got sent home? She’s kind of painfully boring, to the point that the camera is rarely ever on her anyways.

YoAdrien and Alejandra head back to their stations with their tails between their legs, and now we’re down to 12! Ready for the team challenge?!? Come back next week!!!