Imagine my surprise when I got to the end of Maui Fever and saw that it was created by none other than Morgan J. Freeman. Yes, this claptrap, wannabe-Laguna piece of fluff had an Oscar winner’s stamp of approval, and I couldn’t be more surprised. Of course, there was no way that this could ever be possible, and the placement of that nefarious “J.” in the middle of his name led me to believe we had a faker in our midst. Turns out Morgan J. Freeman is merely a TV director who’s possibly most famous for his work on Dawson’s Creek. Nevertheless, that’s not going to stop me from renaming this show the entirely more amusing title of Morgan Freeman’s Maui Fever. Has a nice ring to it, yes?Anyway, I skipped the first episode of Morgan Freeman’s Maui Fever because honestly, it looked entirely too vapid for me. Several emails and comments later from incensed readers made me realize that because it was so vapid, I should give a looksie. So that’s what I did. I watched the first two episodes, and while the scenery was beautiful, I couldn’t help wondering one thing. Well, I couldn’t help wondering many things. But mainly, I couldn’t help wondering how a show that takes place in Maui couldn’t have one indigenous Hawaiian in its cast. Seriously, they’re all white. Granted, that guy Corbin might have some mixed blood (and maybe that goes for Anthony too), but it’s really a stretch. Congratulations, MTV. I’m sure the entire Hawaiian community applauds your representative talent pool.
By the way, before I say any more, I must write a disclaimer. If I say anything that’s disrespectful to Hawaiian culture, well, a) sorry, and b) spare me the email. I only say this because one time at Dartmouth, a fraternity had a luau party, and one kid (who I won’t identify… but his name rhymes with Sharon Shakamu) cried racism because this was supposedly a desecration of a traditional Hawaiian event. The party had to be canceled, apologies had to be made. I guess there’s no point to this. I just wanted to share a story of political correctness gone amuck because that’s far more interesting than anything that happened last night on Maui Fever.
The show opened up with our narrator, Cheyne (think Johnny Bananas with puffier, blonder hair) telling us, “Are Anthony and Chaunte really back together?” I WONDER!!!
A little context: Chaunte and Anthony used to date, but then they broke up, which was fine, but poor Anthony was still hung up on Chaunte — despite the fact that she looked like a squat Jessica Biel with a bad bleach job. Anyway, the two still hung out and chatted and “did stuff” at each other’s houses, and this did nothing but confuse Anthony. On the season premiere, it looked like he had finally moved on — being with her was just too damn painful, as you can imagine — but by the end of the episode, they were kissing again. Oh, Anthony and Chaunte. Will you never learn?
Anyway, we found Cheyne and the Boyz hanging out, talking about how bummed they were that Anthony wasn’t around as much anymore. He was too busy with Chaunte discussing the merits of Keynesian economics and global marketplaces, clearly. Resident Rhodes Scholar Corbin chirped up that Sean (the goofy guy with the early-onset crows feet) should steal Chaunte away from Anthony so that they’d be able to see him more often. Not a problem, Sean said. “I’d probably wax it,” he boasted, adding, “Is it bad if my sun tan is darker than a Hershey bar?”
After the opening credits, we then went to some restaurant called Leilani’s where it turned out Sean was a waiter and Chaunte and her friend Anna were hostesses. If this contrivance wasn’t hard enough to swallow, we then watched as Sean gave some patron a note to deliver to Chaunte. And as we all know, restaurant goers love participating in middle-school flirtations. Nevertheless, the guy agreed to pass on the note (probably because he was a grip on the production staff). Chaunte opened this secret missive and smiled. “Paraty up-country tonight?” it asked. Shockingly, Chaunte wrote a response and asked the diner to return the note to Sean. Why was the patron even hanging around anymore? Did he actually care to see Chaunte’s response? I’d have been out of there five seconds ago.
Anyway, the guy returned to Sean with the note, which had the fresh addendum, “Sounds good,” written on it. By the way, let’s give props to Chaunte and Sean for successfully spelling all their tough words. An epistolary landmark!
“Hey there, ladies! It’s me, Sean!”
Of course, just because Chaunte said she was going to the party didn’t mean she actually liked Sean. “He’s an idiot,” she balked, which didn’t really explain why she would agree to hang out with him. Oh, that’s right. She’s a dumb flirt.
Elsewhere on the beach, a guy named Jesse received a call from a girl named Carrie. We knew she was a bitch because the musically instantly changed to angry “BITCH ON THE PHONE” music. Turns out she was from Seattle, and Jesse used to “hang out” with her in the day. Now she was moving to Maui, and he couldn’t be less thrilled. “Yeah, that’s great,” he said with a borderline moan. The enthusiasm was just dripping off the screen.
Later on, we found Anna and Chaunte carrying on a boring conversation about Anthony, and speak of the devil, here he came. He plopped down next to the girls, slurped up their smoothies, and had Chaunte buy him lunch. (He didn’t have his money on him on account of his busy schedule of doing NOTHING.)
Anyway, Anthony asked what the girls would be doing that night. Anna said it was girls-night-out — too bad she neglected to mention it was a girls-night-out-with-Sean. Let the controversy begin! (Don’t worry, the controversy never began).
We then went to a beach bar called Kimo’s where Jesse informed Corbin about Carrie’s intentions to make the Maui move. Corbin replied with a series of eloquent comments which ranged from “DUDE DUDE DUDE!!!!” to “You’re blown, dude!!!”
Yes, Carrie was sure to rain on the parade that was Jesse’s stimulating life, but Corbin had a simple solution: “Don’t even stress. We’re gonna kill it… We’re gonna go rage it. We gotta richter!” I assume that’s slang for “party hardy, dude!” I don’t know. I’m not up to date with my natural-disaster-cum-surfer-speak lingo.
Sensing that his buddy was dreading a future with Carrie, Corbin then sadly promised, “We’re going to be forty years old and still doing the same thing right here, probably. If we’re smart.” Yes, if only you can be so lucky to do absolutely nothing with your lives. Think big, boys. Think big.
Corbin experiences his first brah-gasm.
That night, Chaunte tried desperately to get Anna to accompany her to Sean’s party up country (or as I like to call it, “Date Rape Fiesta 2007″), but Anna, being smarter and prettier, decided to stay back. Thus, Chaunte had no other recourse but to drive up alone to the party she didn’t even want to go to in the first place (except for the fact that it gave her the chance to flirt with Sean).
We then went to commercial, and when we returned, it was like two days later. Huh? No footage from the party? Could the producers be any more lazy. I wish we did have some cameras there because apparently some inconsequential bullshit went down between Chaunte and Sean. He claimed that she traipsed around the party, flirted with every guy in sight, got all mad for no reason, and then called up Anthony in an effort to piss him off and make him jealous.
Of course, Chaunte had a whole different take. She said the party was “just stupid stuff” (shocker!) and that Sean kept trying to hit on her the entire time (double shocker!). “I honestly really dislike him,” she said, as if she didn’t know that his flirtatious invitation to a party would result in him trying to make out with her.
“I felt totally harassed the entire time,” she complained, again expecting some sort of sympathy for her stupidity.
Meanwhile, over on the beach, Corbin’s quest to “richter” it up was just starting. “Let’s rally up some chicks for the party boat, brah!” he said, adding, “Tell me if my stereotypical surfer dude commentary is grating you yet, BRAH.”
And so, just like the first episode, we watched as Corbin walked around the beaches, inviting vacant tourist girls to go party (which they were more than happy to do, thanks to the MTV cameras and probably some off-screen payola). Soon, everyone was aboard the party boat where Corbin boasted, “I told you, brah! This is the way to richter!” He should have never doubted you, brah. Never.
Anyway, amidst all this intense richter-ing, Jesse met a cute blondie named Tamara. She happily revealed that her name meant “palm tree,” which was sadly the most fascinating part of this entire episode.
“Some say the palm tree is the most bland of god’s creations.”
Well, Jesse and his amorous palm tree seemed to have a love connection, and before long, we found them both at yet another party, this time at “Mike’s House” that night. The two huddled next to each other and reminisced on their fantastic voyage earlier that day, with Tamara commenting that it was “The best boat experience I’ve ever had!” Yes, it was simply MARVELOUS… brah. To be fair, her last boat experience was on THE LUSITANIA.
Elsewhere at the party, Sean was trying to cozy up to Chaunte, but she would have none of it. She repeatedly pushed him away, lest his perverted hands destroy her stumpy glory. Meanwhile, our old friend Cheyne talked to his needy girlfriend Rachel, who was complaining that he had stood her up earlier in the day. He claimed that he had called her and left her a message that she never returned, but she replied that she had called him and left a message that he never replied. Edward Albee, take note.
Cheyne then asked for a kiss, but all he received was a cold peck. “That was so hollow, it’s unbelievable,” he remarked. Oh the empty void of a damsel’s angry osculation. A travesty, brah!
Meanwhile, Sean and Chaunte were now having an argument, with Sean wondering why the hell she was mad at him when nothing had happened. Seriously, they never even went out to dinner for some “steak and lob.” WTF? As they simmered to a boil, we then checked back in on Jesse and Tamara, the latter of which professed, “I’m so easy to read.” She’s an open palm tree, if you will. Unfortunately, right in the middle of this, none other than that unseen bitch Carrie called up to speak with Jesse. He told her he was at a party, and immediately she asked if there were any girls there. No, you dumbass. It’s just a bunch of guys richter-ing together. What an anti-brah.
Nevertheless, Jesse lied and told her he missed her and then returned to Tamara, who asked, “Who was that?”
“What?” Jesse replied, caught off guard.
“Who were you just talking to?”
Jesse answered, “Um… oh… this girl named Pine Tree that I know.” Okay, he didn’t say that. Instead, he pretended like it was a friend of his who was looking for a party. Oh, Tamara. You gullible, gullible palm tree.
We then found Chaunte and Anna talking about Sean in a bedroom, saying how he was such a creep and stuff. In case we didn’t believe it, he then suddenly busted in with a goofy grin on his face and then said/burped something that I believe was “Wrong door!” Rolled eyes ensued.
“Are you ladies tired? Because you’ve been running through my dreams all night long!”
Over in the swimming pool, Cheyne and Rachel made up for real, and this time, all kisses came sans hollowness. He so richter-ed that fight!
Just when everything seemed like it couldn’t be any better, in rolled Anthony, looking angry and bland as ever. Why he wasn’t at the party in the first place was beyond me. He immediately confronted Sean about the whole Chaunte thing, but Sean merely asked why he would ever hit on his chick. “I don’t known?” Anthony replied. “Because she’s hot? Look at her.” We then cut to an image of Chaunte slouched over in a chair, looking like a toad in a blond wig. Sexy, brah!
Ultimately, this whole thing turned into a spat, with Anthony wanting Sean to apologize to Chaunte. Sean insisted that he had nothing to apologize for, saying that Chaunte was just being flirty, but she rebuked these claims, saying that Sean as all over her all night. “I’m telling it like it is,” Sean said in defense.
“I’m telling it like IT WAS!” Chaunte snapped back. Totally richtered!
After the break, Chaunte (and now Anna) continued to confront Sean, who tried to suddenly act as if he were some sort of angel. “I was born and raised by my mom. I have 100% respect for women and females!” he claimed, adding, “Wanna give me a blowjob now?”
Nevertheless, Sean finally apologized to Chaunte (whose arm pits were all nice and sweaty now), saying he never meant to force himself on her. Hugs were exchanged, “brahs!” were declared, and partying resumed.
As the show headed into its denouement phase, we saw Corbin and Jesse the next day talking about Tamara and Carrie and whatnot. Their conversation was expectantly dull and unmemorable; so I won’t bother mentioning any of the details. Next we found Chaunte and Anthony, frolicking in the sea, clearly back together — at least for now. She thanked him for sticking up for her at the party, and they both declared that they had each other’s backs. And with that, the show ended.
What did you think about the show? What do you think about the series? And who was right and who was wrong in the big Sean/Chaunte argument, brah?