So, Megan got her own show proving that VH1 hates us. They hate you, they hate me, they hate our sanity. Case in point:
Life sucks. This chick with a face only a frying pan could love gets to receive gifts galore, take exotic vacations on someone else’s dime and pour Chardonnay down her throat while the rest of us who don’t sound like a cross between a Fargo slut and a beach bum have to trudge away in life, earning our keep like normal people do- without our legs behind our ears.
She has 17 millionaires to choose from, each one more dashing than the last, and has a butler/narrator named Nigel to help her through it all. He’s got the suit, the white gloves, the British accent and……………a credit card machine. Wow. I did not know that hoes were taking credit these days. Way to be an entrepreneur, Megan!
Megan Hauserman. Let’s very briefly recap her crap. She got bounced
from Rock of Love, lost on I Love Money and now, several dozen bikinis
later, she wants nothing more than to be a trophy wife. I believe that
she also picked up a degree in something or other from DeVry so she’s
not completely stupid, she’s just lazy. Do you totally love her yet?
producers also gave her a lovely Tudor mansion to call home, a giant
leap in quality from the other _____ of Love shows, on whose steps she
now stands awaiting her many suitors along with the true star of the
show, the incomparable Lily. Let me just say for the record that I love
Lily. She is constantly sticking her tongue out at her master and if
she pees on Megan just once, I promise to drive out to L.A. and rescue
her. They better keep that lttle bitch happy. I suggest filet mignon
for breakfast and douche hearts for dinner.
Let’s meet the dorks.
first guy isn’t too bad, his name is T.J. and at first I thought that
he was a bit generic and looked too much like Michael Lohan but then he
opened his mouth and declared that he earned his fortune by making
vodka. 6.5 million dollars worth of vodka. He better not win this
travesty of a show because he’s mine.
up is Shaun. They call him the southern gentleman which is a polite way
of saying that he’s got no game. He earned his 2 million clams by
customizing exotic cars, so he works for people richer than he is so on
the upside, if she picks him and it doesn’t work out, an upgrade can’t
be too far away. And why does he have a checked tablecloth around his
neck? Is he planning on wooing her Yogi style with a picnic of ant
covered chicken salad sandwiches and warm soda?
a goombah in la casa and his name is Big Mike. He says that he’s a
private investor and he’s worth 2 mil. He looks like hired muscle. He
is gigantic and I pray to God that he sticks around and someone gets
him mad enough to go all Joe Pesci in Goodfellas
head-slammed-in-a-car-door on their ass.
is a douchebag. You knew that there had to be at least one, didn’t you?
He is the googly eyed owner of a plumbing company that may or may not
be on coke. He loves Ed Hardy and he rags on Megan’s lazy eye. He
reminds me of someone…….oh yeah, the horny pervert in the
neighborhood that can’t keep his hands off underage girls. He’s got 2.5
million smackers for overcharging people too stupid not to flush
non-biodegradable products down their toilets.
Joe has a trust fund worth ten mil. Finally, some real
money. I think that he’s Italian so the only girl he’s ever loved is
his mamma, mostly because of her meatballs and sausage & peppers.
Yes, I am trying to say that he’s a flaming homersexual. He acts like a
nervous five year old, complete with a request to use the bathroom.
Girls must loosen his urethral sphincter, unlike boys who loosen his
other one. But 10 mil? Dayum, I’d look the other way when he invites
the guys over for a night of Cosmopolitans and Sex and the City reruns,
no problem. I’d even help him pick out his latest roll in hay at the
local gay bar
Donald, oh Donald. Somebody got a huge kick out of casting you. He’s
an ugly old movie producer with nostrils the size of bowling balls.
He’s worth 2 mil which is pretty shabby for an industry guy, and he
kisses the dog. This is understandable since the last time he got close
to a gal, the bitchenest babe in all the land was Annette Funicello.
next guy I do not get. He’s a swinger worth 3.5 mil. Does he own clubs?
Play golf? Because he sure ain’t hot, not by a long shot. I’d say that
he’s got a Cameron Frye thing going on but Cameron had more appeal and
was better looking. Plus, he had Ferris.
James is just a kid. A silly, goofy kid. He looks way younger than his 25 years, has a trust fund in the neighborhood of 4 mil and he says hello to Megan by waving at the dog. He’s all nerves and toothy grin and boy, oh boy, T.J. is starting to look better and better to me at this point. Dating James would be like dating your fifteen year old brother’s best friend. When you’re thirty. He seems sweet, though.
Next is Audi. Who names their Latino son Audi? Help me out here, I just don’t get it. Megan asks him if that’s what he drives and he cops to getting around in a Cherokee. FAIL. He should have made something up, anything, a low rider even. He’s the poorest with a measly 1.1 mil but he’s a hotter than most of the other guys, so we’ll see.
Al creeps me out. How should I put this? He looks like Lance Bass’s gawky uncle after he paid a few grand of his 5 mil for a facelift instead of fixing that annoying underbite like everyone told him to. He basically walks right past Megan. Did no one ever show these guys how to talk to women? Did they have no older brother to emulate? I’m starting to worry that there isn’t a single good package among the lot of them, and then along comes….
The Punisher. Things are looking up. Nice body, has 3.1 mil in the bank, has a slight lisp but no biggie. He’s pretty yummy even though when he smiles his upper lip touches his nose, but who cares? He doesn’t need to smile any more than Fox needed to talk.
Uh oh, hold up. We’ve got a realty famewhore on our hands. A little birdie told me that this sorry excuse for a human being has also appeared on another show. It just so happens that Patty Stanger from Millionaire Matchmaker tried to find him a gold digger and failed, so he’s here to try for another one. The good news is that he sells sex toys on the internet and that little enterprise has netted him 9.5 mil. He calls himself Sex Toy Dave. Charming.
Matt is a professional wrestler. He wants a princess. He’s shlubby and filthy but worth 5.5 million. No discernable personality. Maybe he needs to wear one of those creepy Mexican wrestler masks to really shine. Meh.
David travels a lot, says that he’s from Dallas but sounds more Bill Gates than J.R. Ewing. He’s got 2.2 mil and is the first guy to mention that he wants to spend money on her. Smooth move, TexLax. I sure hope that she likes geeks with frivolous spending habits, I know I do.
Jon Favreau and Jay Leno had a love child and named him Corey. He’s “The Hot Shot” all right. A hot mess that should be shot for wearing such an ill fitting suit. He’s cocky and bland and somehow he parlayed that into five million smackers. Blech.
Oooooo, another Latin lover! This one is Francisco and he is, hmmmmm, not Antonio Banderas or anything but pretty damn hot. I’m a little worried because he’s from Columbia, lives in Florida and could totally be a drug dealer. Probably not, since he’s only worth 2 mil. With the way the Eurotrash that has taken over South Beach hoovers up their cocaine he should be worth ten times that amount, at least.
They’ve saved the asshole for last. Ryan is Canadian, which I have nothing against, he just reminds me of every guy I cannot stand. He whispers some bullshit into Megan’s ear about how she’s going to love Canadian bacon and then asks her to save him a seat at dinner. I though that he was inviting her to breakfast. Do they eat differently up north, or is he just an idiot who likes to hit on girls by referencing food at every possible juncture? It could work but I honestly never heard that Emeril got a lot of pussy that way. He’s got 2.5 mil, so I’ll take Emeril, thank you very much. He takes dumps worth more than that.
So there are the dufuses, take your pick, for the most part a bunch of LOSERS! VH1 has a really high opinion of Megan, doncha think? With one or two exceptions you couldn’t knit a decent personality out of the lot of them. Plus, there’s still a mystery as to how some of these guys actually made their money. I have a feeling that it’s not going to be pretty.
The show is running extra low on skanks so Megan invited along a couple of hookers to help her out. Brandi C. from ROL and a girl named Cecil, as in Feilder, the big MALE baseball player, only it’s pronounced Cecille and it’s time for the first Twunty rant of the Megan Era.
People need to stop being ignorant assholes and quit with misspelling their children’s names, all under the guise of being original! Do you know that some sub-primate MO-RON named their kid Shithead? No lie, only they pronounced it Shi-thayed. Brilliant. Thank you so much for lowering the collective IQ of our planet. Also, we need to outlaw names derived from blingy cars and liquor and institute a moratorium on hillbillies naming their sons and/or daughters after western states/cities and Nascar drivers, pleeeeeaase, I beg you, or I’m going to start putting birth control pills in your water supplies. Trust.
So, why the bimbo blonde-a-thon? Well, now that Daisy is gone, who is going to blow the producers when the cameras stop rolling? Certainly not Nigel. If this show is anything like the others, he’ll have his work cut out for him. Maybe Gay Joe? No, he’s too clean and feminine. They need good old fashioned nasties around. But let’s just tell them that they are there to help Megan decide who to keep and who to discard.
She introduces them to the guys who are all out on the veranda, then takes everybody inside where the boys will have to tell her a little something about themselves, thereby earning a cheesy gift that Megan has specially chosen for each of them. Unfortunately, it’s not the pin to a hand grenade. Nobody gets blown up. But you know your Twunty, I always keep the hope alive, maybe next week.
Gay Joe is first, he apologizes for his weak bladdar, she gives him a silver piggy bank and he proceeds to carry it around fir the entire night like it’s his first born. Pick him, Megan and you can look forward to a lifetime of gaybies and Judy Garland immitations. You could do worse.
She gives Dave a globe after he informs everyone that he investigates corporate fraud for a living, all over the world. He’s so good at it they call him double-O-Dave. Yikes. He brings up shopping again, this time in Paris and Audi calls him an ass kisser. So what. He knows what she likes, and it ain’t Dave’s looks.
The Punisher is a real estate investor (what rich guy isn’t?) but he made his nest egg as a stripper. Yay! Megan likes him even more now. He gets a thong. Put it on now, please.
Sex Toy Dave gets a pair of furry handcuffs to add to the thousands that he already has, and holy cow, he’s short. She rubs his head and tells him that she has sex toys of her own that are bigger than him, and in the blink of an eye she has emasculated a dude that makes his living selling stuff that makes other men feel like they don’t measure up. You have to laugh.
Francisco can cook so he gets an apron with Megan’s face on it. Shaun gets a key to her heart (kinda early, no?) and Alex gets a satin robe so he must be some low rent version of Hugh Hefner.
Big Mike gets a teddy bear and yes, he used to be a bodyguard. She calls Matt Nacho Libre and gives him what I believe to be a whip. I wouldn’t know, never having been past first base or seen an R rated movie in my life. I’m pure and anyone of the dozens who tell you different are lying, I tell you! Moving on.
Weird Al continues to get weirder. He says something about not liking the “hand in the finger thing” and all I can say is WTF does that mean? She was just trying to hold his hand, for chrissakes.
She gives him massage oil because he needs to loosen up and Garth the Perv looks at it all excited and claps his hands. Good God, where do they find these people? Did they google special needs millionaires? Did they figure out the secret handshake for The Socially Awkward and Inappropriate Rich Loser’s Club? Whatever, thank goodness they did or I’d be out on the terrace right now enjoying the mountain view and a glass of wine instead of clicking away on this laptop, and nobody wants that.
T.J., the only sane person in the house, gets a framed photo of Megan. He deserves a lot more than that for being in the same room as the rest of them. Audi doesn’t even warrant a picture of Megan, he gets a photo of her dog. Hilarious under the circumstances but it’s what I would have chosen. Like I said, that bitch is a star.
Here comes a shocker- James doesn’t actually have any money yet. He and his sister are due to inherit from their grandpappy at some point in the near future but for now, he’s just as poor as Megan. He gets a golden ticket. Grandpa owns a chocolate factory, I guess, or she confused him with Charlie. Either way, sayonara. You know he’s not going to stay around if his pockets are empty.
It also turns out that Garth the Perv doesn’t just own a plumbing company, he’s still a plumber. No matter how you slice that, it will never come up sexy. His days are numbered too. She gives him tools. Cuz he’s a tool. Get it? Wah, wah, wah waaaaaaahh.
Ryan, who I hate, did I say that I hated him yet? Because I do. Hate him, that is. Anyway, he’s full of shit and if I understand what he said correctly, God got out his megadouche blender, threw in some Prince Charming and a healthy dose of wanna-be bad boy, hit ‘crush’ and out popped an asshole of staggering proportions. She gives him a pimp cup. He could be reincarnated until the world ends or Mike Myers is funny again and he still won’t be worthy of it.
By the way, did you hear that squeeking sound? That was me, reaching over the side of the couch for a new barf bucket. And, yes, I did bring them to Colorado with me. I’m not stupid.
Crazy Donald, president of the Nobody Gets You and Nobody Ever Will club (he’s only treasurer of The Socially Awkward and Innappropriate Rich Losers), tells Megan that he’s a psychic and his powers of persuasion will make her fall in love with him. Try a roofie, old man, it’s quicker and easier with the added bonus of knocking her out so you don’t have to listen to her hooker from Minneapolis voice.
We find out that he doesn’t just produce any old run of the mill movies, he produces campy shlock and horror films. Also, where the hell was his gift? Did I miss something or is he so out of touch with reality that Megan convinced him that it was invisible?
Corey is last and he tells her that he’s going to put her on the red carpet with him. She crowns him King of Don’t Make Promises Your Ass Can’t Back Up, complete with a crown. I hate him almost as much as Ryan, and what does he do that entails attending red carpet events? Is he the dude on a walkie-talkie in charge of crowd control that you see at one of Donald’s shitty movie premieres?
It’s time to mingle with the bimbos, get drunk and tell lies. Up first- Audi. Girls stalk him. He’s got so much going on that they can’t keep their hands and GPS trackers away from him. This is code for HE CHEATS. He says that the girls love him because of his “hump game.” That is Rhode Island speak for “One Pump Chump.”
David won’t shut up about shopping so I’m going to email him my phone number right now if Megan doesn’t take advantage. I will gladly shop anywhere with him. Costco is fine with me.
She asks The Punisher if he feels threatened by any of the competition and he says that he isn’t, opening up an opportunity for Francisco to open his shirt and show off his six pack. He’s all, “Look at deese, homey. You be scerred now, pendejo,” and just like that we have an Ab-Off. Slowly, ever so slowly, The Pun unbuttons his shirt to reveal……wnat is that on his belly? I’ve never seen a Dirty Sanchez on someone’s tummy before. It’s actually a birthmark and it killed Megan’s buzz. It renders her speechless.
Meanwhile, the bimbos are telling Weird Al that he needs to do something to impress Megan, how about a foot massage? I wouldn’t let that creep anywhere near my tootsies. I’d be afraid that he’d try to eat one of them, or start chewing on my toenails.
He starts rub-a-dub-dubbing on her, Pervy Garth notices that the massage oil came out and tries to sneak in and cop a feel on Megan’s one unattended foot. As much as I can’t stand this Megan person, I have to give her credit for not cringing every time one of these guys touches her. I would have locked myself in the bathroom by now.
Weird Al slaps Pervy’s hand away and then tries some sexy talk with her. “Ooooo, baby, imagine these oily desperate hands groping the rest of you while you recoil in horror and I date rape you.” Then he tries a little trick. “I have a special jaw, like a dog’s. Touch it and see what an asshole I can be!” She does and he tries to bite her finger sending her Chardonnay into her face and down her dress.
She runs off crying, smearing her makeup even more, and I have to ask. What’s the big deal? She got a little wine in her eyes. It can’t sting any more than a load to the face and I bet that that never made her cry.
She fixes herself but leaves the stained dress on. Weird Al apologizes and offers to buy her a new one. I sure hope that it’s something nicer than the crappy cut off strapless prom dress she bought at Dots. Splurge and take her to the Dress Barn, dude. She’ll love you for it.
It’s Donald’s turn to seduce her and he takes her over to the fire pit. What is it with these shows and their damn fire pits? Are they hoping that one of these drunken idiots falls into one or mistakes Megan for Frankenhooker and burns the house down? I hope that one of them stares into it long enough to get mesmerized, hears voices and kills the rest of them.
Back to Donald- he’s going to make Megan a STAH! He’s gearing up for “Gang Banged Bikini Sluts From Hell, Part VIII” and needs a new leading lady since his last big star went off to the big meth lab in the sky.
She wants him to set up a scene for her to showcase her acting skills with Baby James as her co-star. They trade phony declarations of love and he ends up kissing her. From the looks of it, I beleive that it is safe to say that James has never kissed a girl before. I also believe that the only kissing he has witnessed firsthand involved his sister’s Barbie and Ken dolls. He laid one on her in the same manner that I used to smash my doll’s faces together to simulate what I thought was passsion.
Poor Donald. He could have done better than that. It’s no big loss though, because the bimbos are grilling James about the kind of life he leads, having no money and all. He’s a waiter at The Olive Garden and suppliments his meager income with a monthly allowance doled out to him by mummy and daddy. Yep, he’s going to be hopping back on his moped and back in Sherman Oaks in no time.
It’s time to talk vacations with a normal human being. T.J. asks her if she prefers beaches to skiing (she does) and proves that he is this show’s, “What the hell are you doing here” guy. He seems confident and neurosis free. You can tell that he’s a take-charge kind of guy who more than likely got talked into coming on this show to improve his company’s profile. He’ll end up like our last T.J. (Flex) and end up getting passed over in the finale for some loser (Ryan).
Speaking of Canadian Bacon Ryan, he needs a green card and Megan is his ticket to working in the U.S. Not surprisingly, she doesn’t really care. Especially after he tells her that she won’t have to sign a prenup. Ah, love.
I closed my eyes while they were making out only to open them just in time for Pervy Garth to tease Gay Joe. It seems that Donald and Gay Joe have more in common than just their fear of girls- they both love nerdarific movies! Pervy overhears their conversation and starts mocking Joe. If he thinks that he’s funny, he is sorely mistaken. His immitation falls flat and he only succeeds in looking like a mean jerk.
There’s a war of words, and Pervy breaks Gay Joe’s piggy bank. Don’t feel bad for him, he’ll feel all better when he tattles to Megan. So will I. Pervy is a bully in douche clothing, and did you see the look on T.J.’s face? I think that he’s starting to second guess being in that house with all those idiots.
Enough of that, it’s time for the guillotine. The bimbos give Megan advice which is exactly as interesting as it sounds, so I’ll skip over that part. They do so in a room that is worth noting because of the framed photos of all the guys. She’s going to need those pictures to jog her memory since most of the guys are so forgettable.
At elims, the guys that stay get credit cards which she can revoke at any time. It’s hokey, some cheesy intern probably thought it up, and she gets right down to it.
The first card goes to Ryan, then Corey, Francisco the Latin Lover, Punisher, T.J., Sex Toy………………………blah blah blah, and the Gay Joe tells her about the piggy bank. She REALLY looks like she cares.
The bottom five are Audi, Weird Al, Pervy, Donald and Baby James. She lets Pervy stay then kicks out Audi and the Baby. No shock there. She keeps Weird Al, so prepare to be skeeved out week after week, and let’s nerdy Donald go. He quotes a Lady GaGa song, which is hilarious, and I’m the teensiest bit sad to see him go. It would have been fun to see Megan make out with him in exchange for Z list movie stardom.
One more thing, Niles is no Riki. he better step up the quality of his observations or I’m going to have to ignore him entirely, like I pretty much did this time.
So, what did you think, Gasmii? Is it the worst show ever? Do you want me to continue with the recaps? I see some potential for sleazy entertainment so I’m going to reserve my judgement until next week. See you then.
Love and Kisses,