Megan Wants A Millionaire: Not Even Ed Hardy Can Save You

This week, we get some stellar half naked Punisher moments. It almost makes having to look at Pervy’s questionable clothing choices bearable.

We have gifts galore waiting for us and the show really only focuses on a few of the guys. I’d like to focus on one of my girls for a moment, if I may.

You all know that I believe that Lily is the HBIC of all reality shows. Well, I just lost one of mine. Our beloved Trillian passed away while we were in Colorado for a wedding (which got robbed by a guy in drag, no lie!) and we all miss her very much. She had more class in one of her hairy little paws than Megan could hope to achieve in a lifetime of dog years, and that’s saying a lot since I’m pretty sure that she can look forward to many, many of those.

Geez, I miss her. Okay, on with the snark!

It seems that Megan has absolutely no intention of allowing any of her suitor’s fortunes to dwindle so they’ve set up a business room where the guys can get on their laptops and phones and keep their money growing. They are going to need it.

Pass me the smelling salts, I lost consciousness for a moment there, but I regained it just in time to see this!

I wish.
Most of the guys sound professional. All except for one. Can you guess who that might be? It’s Pervy, of course. He’s nasty and mean to whomever he’s speaking, and it sounds like he threatened somebody. So much for being a good hearted blue collar guy. Is there anything, anything at all redeeming about this guy? It sure doesn’t seem like it.

After they are done making sure that Megan will be kept in the manner she is accustomed, it is challenge time. Rose Nyland’s slutty niece has a favorite holiday and we all know it ain’t Labor Day, so what is it? Valentine’s Day, of course, for the gifts (mandatory) and the love (optional).

They must come up with a fitting tribute and they can use anything they want, including this table loaded with sparkly, colorful junk. It is a ten year old Twunty’s dream come to life. Not so much the modern day Twunty, though.

Pervy licks his lips at the opportunity this affords him. Gross. Did you see that? Sometimes when someone licks their lips it’s sexy. When he does it, I turn into a little girl who needs to run and hide in the nearest cupboard to escape her inappropriate uncle. I seriously don’t know how much more of him I can stand. Are you with me here, Gasmii? I can’t be the only one.

The guys attack the table like Miley attacking a stripper pole and we’re off. The Latin Lover is cooking something, Wierd Al gets out his checkbook and Big Mike gets on the phone. I was hoping that he was calling “Tiny” so he could whack Pervy but it turns out that he has friends in the fashion industry and is going to hook Megan up with something fabulous. Not fair, God, not fair.

Tablecloth Shaun tells T.J. that he wants to get naked and have Megan eat sushi off of his Southern Gentleman’s hiney. Say what? Did I miss the part in Gone With the Wind where Rhett Butler put raw fish on his manly chest for Scarlett to go apeshit over? Oh, shoot. I must have been in the cupboard during that part of the movie.

T.J. very nicely tries to talk him out of it, but Tablecloth is sticking with his whole picnic theme and is literally going to become the tablecloth. Oh, the irony. Meh.

Back to Pervy. He is going to perform a song for Megan that is two whole years in the making. It sounds like a cheap rip-off of “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails.

He performs it for Punisher who mistakes the title of the song as “Sex Bone.” Is your mind going where my mind is going? I bet it is, and we shall see in just a little bit.

The song is actually called “Sex Mode.” Soooooo much better, right? Punisher makes fun of his dancing, but he tries to be nice about it, coining a new word, ‘exhuberating,’ in the process. Dumb and hung, what’s not to like? Oh, and he has money? Fuck Megan, send Dirty Sanchez over to me. I’ll rug burn that birthmark right off of him. Or give him some new ones.

Big Mike’s totally straight designer friend arrives with a nice off the shoulder dress for him to give her. I have one just like it. It was eighty bucks from the Victoria’s Secret catalog, though mine was delivered via US Mail, not a gay George Hamilton impersonator. They joke about how easy it’s going to be to get Megan out of it and Nigel looks on disapprovingly. Not because he values Megan’s virtue. Hell no, he’s just knows that they’re wrong. A Champagne soaked bimbo bobbing and weaving around her dressing room does not make for easy dress removal, as he no doubt knows by now, being her fake butler and all.

The bimbos are back for the gift presentation in all their bleached slut glory, fumbling with their hair, staring at their own tits and swilling the free booze. The excitement is palpable for this fake Valentine’s Day and one of them says, “Yay…..” and it sounds like a pig on Quaaludes being put through a meat grinder. And I apologize to all pigs out there.

First up is the Latin Lover and he’s wearing the apron she gave him and not much else. It’s a good start, a very good start. She likes the food that he hand feeds her but I think that she enjoyed the eye candy a wee bit more. He’s looking good and I think that it’s safe to say that he could be one of the front runners down the road, just a couple of words of advice if you win, Francisco.

Weird Al gives her a note with a check for $8,000 attatched. Nice! He knew that he had to come along guns a blazin’ and he delivered! Well, sort of. It’s a check to be used at a salon that does botox and plastic surgery. Most girls would be insulted, but not Megan. Nope, she’s happy. She can keep downing all the booze and fatty food she wants, then make an appointment to get it all sucked out of her.
I would have loved to have snuck in there and rewrite the note to her, though.

It also turns out that bimbo Brandi is already familiar with the place, having had her boobs done there

.

Cameron 2.NO (Alex) gives her a camisole/bustier thingymajiggy and some of the biggest panties I have ever seen. We are talking Kirstie Allie sizes here. Not exactly complimentary, dumbass. If you have never seen panties on anyone other than your size 20 mother, do some research next time. Nigel would have helped you out. He’s British, he probably wears the stuff himself.

Canadian Bacon is next and we get our first truly great moment of this episode- HE SUCKS! Mega Super Duper Epic Failure! He thinks that he’s all smooth by saying that he wants to appeal to all five of her senses, none of which he knows! First he say her mouth, then he says her mind. Even Megan knows that those aren’t senses and she’s not afraid to tell him so. Hahahahahahaha Ha!
Ahhhh, I needed a good laugh. They’re hard to come by with this show.

Gay Joe wrote ‘Trophy Wife’ in glitter on a bikini.

Nacho Libre made cupcakes and hot shot (not) Corey wrote some dumb crap on a scroll that the editors very kindly spared us.

Now for the piece de resistance- The Punisher. He tells her that he needs a minute because his gift for her is in the back. I beg to differ, big guy.

Thank you, Jesus. I have regained the will to live. His strip tease is just what the doctor ordered. We have assless chaps, people! Assless chaps in the house! Can you imagine dating a guy like this? The endless possibilities with fringed g-strings, alone? That’s no birthmark! That’s what was left after he was touched by the hand of God.
Hallelujah!!!!!!!!

That was absolutely wonderful. And as an added benefit, all the guys are either grossed out or jealous. Can we get him to strip in every episode? It’s too bad that they film these episodes months in advance because I would have started a very aggressive letter writing campaign on his behalf. More half naked Punisher, please!

I’d like to see you try that, Mr. No-Sense. On second thought, no I wouldn’t.

Tablecloth strips down and the bimbos strategically place dead fish rolls all over his torso. He isn’t completely naked. He is wearing inside-out Calvin Klein boxer briefs. He should have listened to mom and packed more underwear so he wouldn’t have to get more usage out of each pair. Nasty. Oh, and we have this show’s version of 12 Not Packing.

Your guess is as good as mine. He is a good sport about it and the Fargo slut gives him a peck on the cheek.

Okay, who’s next? T.J. gives her a bottle of his vodka (he’s here to shill his company, all right). Like that’s going to last with the bimbos around, and then it’s double-oh-Dave’s turn. Mr. I Want To Take You Shopping gives her a fake passport with New York and Italy written inside. It’s less a gift and more an IOU, no? A gift….in theory only? Stupid.

Big Mike gives her the gown and it’s a huge hit. What girl doesn’t want a free dress from a designer she’s never heard of? By the way, I think that the guy’s name was Lloyd Klein. Who is he? Anne’s poorer cousin? Does anyone know?

Now, take a deeeeep breath. For those of you that do yoga, it’s time to put those calming, centering skills to work because Garth the Whirling Pervish is in the house. He sings along to a CD of his song and stretches the crotch of his pants to the breaking point while flicking his nipples. It is something to behold.

It fails to impress because Megan picks Big Mike, Tablecloth and Wierd Al as the winners. Pervy is pissed because he expected her to drop to her knees and blow him after such a masterpiece that he spent TWO WHOLE YEARS making for her, so he runs up the stairs to her room to confront her.

How dare he invade Lily’s space! He tries singing the song acapella and softly but it just comes off as pervy lite. Not an improvement. You can totally read Lily’s mind while she has to listen to this crap and watch the asshole grope her master. She’s ready to go all Manson family on his ass.

Oh, and Mr. Peanut called. He wants his hat back.
Poor Pervy can tell that Megan is so not into him. What a genius. Was it that stupid smirk on her face? No, she always has that retarded smile plastered on her dinner plate mug. Was it the way that she kept pushing his hand away from her skirt? Nah, he’s used to that. Nope, the only thing I can figure is that he must have figured out that she caught a glimpse of his mosepad cover in the business room.

Ugh. She tells him that he needs to slow down and be more romantic. Why? So you can watch him be disgusting in slow motion?

Moving the hell on. Nigel takes the three winners into his concierge room where he shows them a list of three items on a gift menu that they can buy for their date with megan the next day. So we learn the function of the credit card machine. Only in Tablecloth’s case, it’s not so much a method for conveying a financial transaction, it is complete humiliation. His card gets declined when he tries to pay for his half of the presents that he and Wierd Al have decided to split.

I don’t know which is worse- having to pay for presents every time you win a date with Megan or suffering the embarassment of not having enough credit to pay for them. Wierd Al offers to cover the whole cost with Big Mike staying out of it. He’s going to do his own thing and order her a gift of his own choosing. Smart guy. Best not to associate with the other losers, as we will shortly learn.

Meanwhile, cut to Pervy on the phone asking a friend of his to come and pick him up because he’s quitting. The friend’s name? Dick Squiggles. Wow. It’s official. We’ve all fallen down the rabbit hole and landed in a really bad 70s porno.

He heads downstairs and hands Megan his phony credit card and tells her that he’s leaving. Good riddance, I say. Not Megan, though. She will not stand for such a nasty loser rejecting her! She does the fake rejecting, dammit!

She convinces him to stay by calling him an ungrateful brat. He should be more appreciative of her gold digging demands and disdainful glances. He falls for it. Maybe this Megan person is smarter than I thought. She used some rudimentary child psychology on him and it worked. Too bad, I wish she hadn’t bothered.
I bet that she does too when he asks for a kiss from her.

She barely brushes his face with her lips and then scampers her teasing little ass out of there. Like I said, smarter than I thought. I would have shown him my sanity by punching him and earning myself some sweet little assault charges. No need to feel bad for me if that actually happened. The D.A. would look up his record and find his sex offender status and I’d be back to drinking wine with Mr. McSlore in no time.

The next morning arrives like Christmas. Nigel has wrapped the aforementioned gifts and Wierd Al retrieves them, remarking that Tablecloth not only hasn’t paid him his half of the money for the presents but hasn’t even mentioned it. Oopsy. He does what any creepy asshole would do and gives Megan the first gift, roses, without even mentioning that they are half from Tablecloth.

Geez, Tablecloth. You have a lot to learn. First of all, carry around more than one credit card. Any sugar daddy worth his salt would have plenty of them. Heck, a real smart one would have already given her one of her own by now. Second of all, if the declined credit card was a mistake and you have nothing to be ashamed of, you need to cop to it right away. otherwise you look like you are hiding something. Not good.

They arrive at the mountain where Megan gets a nice down Juicy Couture ski jacket from Wierd Al (still nothing comes out of Tablecloth’s mouth) and some ski gloves from Big Mike. Ugh, dude. Say something! He can’t rely on a so-called “gentleman’s agreement” with Al. He already broke it! Now man up and stop letting him cock block you before it’s too late!

They ski, sort of. Big Mike has never skied before (not too many slopes in Jersey), Tablecloth snowboards by himself and Al hogs Megan. Boooring. Time for one-on-ones. With drinks, of course.

She and Mike talk about their age difference which doesn’t really matter when all you look at is a checkbook, but it turns out that he is the oldest guy there. Shocking. I would have sworn that Pervy or Sex Toy Dave wee older. I guess that whacking people and carrying guns keeps you young. I do have a small soft spot for big guys, even if their ears are huge too, and his definitely are.

Weird Al gives her the snowflake bracelet from Tiffany’s and I am hella jealous. Look at it, it’s so cute! But I’m not completely green with envy because I know that there are a few items from Tiffany’s that I can afford plus-

Just a few BJs for Mr. McSlore and voila! Fine joooorey. Shhhhh, don’t tell him I said that. Not cool. I can trust you, right?

Anyhoodle, he gives her the matching necklace as well and that wasn’t even on the gift menu! Wow, he is really making up for that dress of hers that he ruined last week. I could have saved him a few bucks by letting him know that if she knows how to get jizz out of her clothes from her time on ROL, she certainly knows how to get out Champagne. Oh well.

He also rats out Tablecloth and his shamefully denied credit card and she confronts him. He blames it on crossed signals with his banker and if that’s true, why didn’t he say so in the first place. He looks like a wimp and a liar to me. The only millionaires I know whose cards get declined are fake ones. Joe Millionaires, if you will. Things are not looking good for him to stick around much longer.

Back at the mansion, Megan decides to have a little talk with Gay Joe before eliminations. She asks if he has had a lot of girlfriends *choke*, he says that he has and then goes on and on about how much he loves animals, Lily in particular so that he doesn’t have to answer any more of her silly questions.

And really, who cares if he’s gay? He has more money than anyone else, so she should pick him, see Punisher on the side all while drinking T.J.’s vodka. This isn’t Megan of Love, she’s not looking for that, as her interview in Life & Style proves (thanks, Flipit). She’s looking to become a cliche of plastic surgery and drunken tennis matches at the club with Bitsy and Javier, the new Brazilian tennis pro.

She can traipse around her mansion in frilly maribou trimmed bathrobes, tripping her head off on valium and Rumplemintz, completely unaware that there is a Roman orgy going on in her husband’s “game” room. Everybody wins!
Then one day she catches him with the pool boy, freaks out and falls down the stairs, hits her head and dies. The End.

If only life were that simple.
At eliminations, she’s wearing the dress that Big Mike gave her, it looks good I suppose, and she keeps a bunch of guys. No need to list them here. Tablecloth isn’t one of them, he’s in the bottom four with Cameron 2.No, Pervy and Gay Joe. Stellar company.

Cameron is safe. And boring, of course, and then it’s Pervy’s day of reckoning. He got OWNED. More belly laughs. He has the nerve to tell her that she’s the one who is lucky to be there with him and she gets out the big scizzors and buhbye, Garth. Thank God that Megan has balls. Now I can go to sleep on Sundays without checking all the door locks and taking a double dose of Ativan in the hopes that it will keep the Pervy nightmares from coming.

She calls up Gay Joe and tells him that she gets more of a friend vibe from him so he tries to swallow her face. I turned away, so I didn’t see it the first time but we are in this together so let’s take a peek between the fingers over our collective eyes and…

She lets him stay, visions of Beverly Hills shopping sprees erasing all memory of the kiss from her mind and we are down to Tablecloth. He says that he was too much of a gentleman to stand up for himself so she lets the spineless sushi chef go. Whatever. All I care about right now is that Pervy is gone. Who will become the next villian? My money is on Weird Al for now, as long as Joe doesn’t have to fight another gay basher like Garth. Who Megan would have kept, if he just would have spent a few grand on her instead of singing her a stupid song. We all know how she rolls….

And for your viewing enjoyment, some cuteness. Not exactly love at first sight but I sense a connection there.

See you next week!
Love and Kisses,
Twunty McSlore