Or, was taken, to be completely accurate, until his wife turned up dead.
R.I.P. Mrs. Bacon. I am sooo sorry that you had to spend your last precious days with such a colossal pudwanker.
You think that you know a douche, only to wake up and realize that YOU HAD NO IDEA. Wow. By now, you all have read the reports that Ryan married a “bikini model” in Vegas, strangled her, stuffed her corpse into a wee suitcase and heaved it into a dumpster. ALLEGEDLY.
As I type this, he is on the lam and probably holed up in his native land of Canadia, home town of Cheesedickerville. I hope that he is forced to hide out in the forest, only to be mistaken for real Canadian bacon and then becomes some grizzly’s breakfast. Hopefully, the bear isn’t too particular about what he eats because he’s looking a little extra greeezy in this mug shot.
And to think that I thought that Pervy was the creepy one.
Also, why does he have a mug shot? When was this photo taken? So many questions. It’s funny too because I was just remarking to Mr. McSlore that this week’s episode was incredibly boring and I wasn’t sure how I was going to fill up more than two pages. Ah, fate. It took a lemon and made us lemonade.
On with the show.
Gay Joe, who hasn’t killed anybody, is getting advice from Double-O-Dave, who hasn’t killed anything either unless you count my buzz, which he destroys every time he shows up on the screen. Dude is seriously overcompensating with all the bragging he does on this show.
He tells Joe to quit being a friend if he wants to stick around. I’m thinking that he should go over the top with his behavior, maybe jump up and down on a couch or two, it works for some people, I hear, or am I being too glib?
I also think that he should get his own show, they could call it “Bearding for Dollars” or “‘Hey girl!’ of Love.”
I would recap the SHIT out of that show. Heck, I’d probably audition.
Canadian Bacon is busy in the backyard dispensing some wisdom of his own. Not “Never go all Robert Blake on her ass,” or “using the rough sex excuse.” It’s more along the lines of “Can you smell what the douche is cooking.” No offense to The Rock. Or Robert Chambers, for that matter.
He has narrowed women down to three types which is totally not sexist in any way, and they are- Princesses, Betties and Players. He plans to have this manifesto printed and bound and named, “The Ins and Outs- A Players Guide to Success,” but there’s been a little change of title at his publishers, I hear.
“The Ins and Outs- A Convict’s Guide to Anal Sex,” subtitled “How Not to Have Your Colon Fall Out of Your Asshole When ‘Tiny’ and His Crew Get Through With You.”
I smell a best seller.
Our challenge this week is to come up with a business plan to make the HBIC, Lily, a billionaire. My idea, unfortunately, wasn’t used. I would take that sexy bitch, set her up with Maro Testino or Steven Klein and put her on a million birthday, anniversary and graduation cards, thereby single handedly reviving the greeting card industry.
We could do ethnic ones and different religious backgrounds because after all, Lily’s appeal is universal.
Happy Bris! Here’s hoping that your mohel doesn’t drink as much as I do!
Here’s what these lame asses come up with- spa products and more fucking spa products. For dogs. Stooooopid. These guys are so out of touch. People can barely afford to feed their mutts, let alone spend billions of dollars in massages and creams.
The only idea that is worth a damn is Canadian Bacon’s, of course. You knew that was coming, didn’t you? His idea is a little food and water dispensor for high maintenance biotches to carry in their blimp hangar sized purses so that they can feed their teacup doggies on the patio at the Ivy instead of at home, like everybody else.
It’s easier to carry around than a water dish, at any rate, and I could see it selling a decent quantity, at least until it’s novelty wore off and it got co-opted by all kinds of people, including douchebags.
One compartment’s for the Axe body spray, the other’s for your lawyer’s phone number.
On the off chance that any of you were interested, here’s how the teams broke down:
1) Weird Al, The Punisher and Latin Lover
2) T.J., Big Mike and Cameron 2. No
3) Sex Toy Dave, Corey Not Hot Shot, and Nacho Libre
4) Double-O-Dave, Gay Joe and Canadian Bacon Wife Killer on the Lam
Weird Al wanted to do a workout video for dogs since his teammates are so hot and built and yummy, but Punisher and Latin Lover nix the idea. Boo! Eff you guys! I want more flopping peen!
And so does this guy, apparantly.
Just like Daisy falling on her ass or celebrity DUI mug shots, you can never have too much flopping peen, or so grandma McSlore says. And she’s always right about everything, from predicting the Allies triumph in WWII to the outcome of taking too much Metamucil.
They go with the aforementioned spa idea and strip down to towels so it’s not so bad after all.
This is the first time that I can truthfully say that I wish I were a dog. Weird Al is happy too. He got the guys half naked after all, and got to live out his Men’s Health spa shoot photographer fantasies.
Gay Joe’s team is working on their doggy food carrier idea and are also running some ideas on what flavors to use in their gourmet kibble. Canadian Bacon suggests brie and cranberry. Are you high? If my dog is any indication, load up the factory meat grinders with chipmunks and squirrel meat. That NEVER gets old around here. Oh, and bacon, so just throw Ryan in there too while you’re at it.
Big Mike wanted to make electrolite laden puppy Gatorade and his idea gets stomped on by yet another stupid spa concept. We get it, guys. Megan loves spas, therefore she will love a spa for Lily. There’s a word for that kind of thinking in the exclusive white collar world of millionaire businessmen and it’s OBVIOUS.
Back to my boyfriend. Poor Joe. His team is crunching numbers and he’s all confused and headachey. This is what Double-O does for a living, so let him do it, kiddo. Go make yourself a Mojito or something, or confirm that Fire Island summer rental while you have the time, whatever, let the nerd do what the nerd does best.
The only numbers you need to worry about are listed right on the front of your black Amex.
And Double-O, what a condescending asshole he has turned out to be. He keeps reminding Gay Joe that he’s lucky to be on the same team as him and the murderer. I bet it turns out that he’s really just an accountant from Omaha who happened to bring enough business in one year to earn him a Eurailpass from his firm’s CEO, explaining why he namedrops foreign cities all the time.
We’ve got judges for this episode and they’re not the bimbos. Drat, I love the bimbos. Everyone should have a couple lying around at all times, except you, Canadian Bacon. They’re good for lots of fun at parties and can take the fall when your boyfriend finds used condoms in your dorm wastebasket, or so my college friends told me.
We’ve got a madame and a “branding expert.” What the hell is that? What does this show have to do with cattle, anyway?
All I see are a bunch of dogs.
Hide your botox, Robo Antin’s back in town.
She scares me. I mean it. Halloween-style-scares me. They could market that mug as a novelty mask this fall. She also encourages young girls to dress like whores by foisting The Pussycat Dolls on our poor planet. Still, that is nothing compared to the sheer freakiness of that visage. Every time I see her I have the same reaction.
Remember when she was on Drag Race? They did us the courtesy of filming her through a pound of Vaseline on that show. Here I flinched so badly that my puppy thought there was an earthquake and hid under the dining room table.
This is Rob Frankle, the cattle rancher. He must be super successful to get flown all the way out from the Double R Frankle Ranch in Wyoming for this gig. I hope he brought some extra large irons for Big Mike and Nacho Libre.
Aha! So that’s what the fire pit’s for!
The first presentation belongs to T.J. and his fellow dipshits. They decided to go for the spa as charity angle. Megan asks Cameron if he would invest in his own company and he doesn’t really answer her. What a drip.
Plus, what about Megan says Non-Profit? Get your head out of your asses, boys.
I admit that I got a little scared when I first saw the presentation poster.
Lily Hauserman foundation? Who’s going to make it- RUFF-LON? Call Peta!
There will be no makeup made out of chihuahuas, people, no matter how hard Robo or Rachel Zoe begs for it.
Punisher’s group fails because the half naked guys are cropped out of the final picture! Who does that? Why have eye candy if you don’t get to taste it?
The Latin Lover bores her to tears with his presentation but we do get some semi-satisfying slow motion Punisher moments while the editors pretend that Megan and Lily are tuning out of LL and tuning into Mr. Carriage with the Fringe on Top. The cattle rancher says that they are too unfocused to make their company work. I agree. I prefer my slow motion Punisher sequences in hi-def, concentrating on the crotch area whenever possible.
Hot Not Shot Corey’s company/network/services nightmare is a litany of confusion. I think that there are products and lifestyle crap, high end and low end, all for $13.99 a month. Robo is confused. I think. I can’t tell, And Nacho Libre has stared at her face too long because suddenly he’s mute. Cattle driver tells them that what they are offering is a concierge service for dogs, so maybe it isn’t such a terrible idea, they are simple inarticulate. And meh.
Gay Joe’s team introduces their high end food concept and they make him read the prepared speech. In an instant, I am shuttled back in time to elementary school and the excruciating feeling I got waiting for Dyslexic Dan to finish reading his book report. I believe that that was the day I discovered fingernail biting.
And gay besties.
Everyone likes their idea and Megan picks them as the winners. Yay! It would have totally sucked if Canadian Bacon didn’t get a good amount of airtime this week, right? He was the team leader so he gets to go on a fabulous date one-on-one with Megan, mano a princess/betty/player.
He opts for the date upgrade, which means taking her out to a French restaurant and paying for it himself. He also rents an Aston Martin for the evening, to the tune of $1,500. Is it worth it? I hope so. It is pretty much the perfect automobile, ostentatious and sexy in a James Bond kind of way and guaranteed to attract a lot of attention, which leads me to its only drawback-
Not so good as a getaway car.
Megan is wearing sky high heels and another one of her micro-mini dresses. I swear you could clothe half of the third world with the amount of fabric she cuts off her hems.
That’s not the disgusting part, though. that dubious honor belongs to Canadian Bacon’s Rico Suave bullshit behaviour. He asks Megan what she wants to drink (Champers, of course. It’s the official drink of the faux-riche female/klassy girl wannabe), closes the menu with a loud snappy flourish and then claps his hands to get the waiter’s attention. What’s next? Is he going to twirl his moustaches and speak in a foreign accent? Oh that’s right, he trimmed his hair down into a studly emo patch.
He tells her that he wants her to drink the entire bottle of Champagne, it makes the strangling easier, and he even freaking winks after describing his impending summer thusly; rubbing coconut oil on her back at some beach while staring at the sand on her butt. In your dreams, buddy. Something tells me that you’ll be spending the rest of the warm months a little differently.
It just might involve bottles and butts, tho.
She says that she connects with him on a superficial level and gets hammered enough to let him kiss her. If this is what you’d call a kiss, I don’t know. He sucks at it, but i hope that she at least pretended that she liked it.
Or he’ll make you go dumpster diving with him later.
Back with some of the non-murdering types, Joe and Double-O are discussing tomorrow’s trip with Megan to a winery. Dave tells Joe to keep his mouth shut because he is ignorant when it comes to merlots and pinots, etc. Once again, highly rude and insulting.
His attitude leads one to believe that we’ve got a fatal case of Keebler Penis here, Gasmii. I’m sensing about 4 inches erect, how about you?
The next day Megan puts on another one of her Paris Hilton cootchie exposing dresses and David gives her the watch that Nigel so kindly suggested he buy for her.
Uh oh, more BJs for Mr. McSlore.
He kisses her and then WILL NOT SHUT THE FUCK UP! Holy overcompensation, Batman, is he talking about non-manicures and underwater live sea turtle birth or did I have a flashback? Joe’s face is priceless.
I’m pretending to be straight for this?!
So, the Malibu Hilton has a winery? Anyone ever been? Please tell me that it has sub-par grapes and that all Double-O-Dave’s bouquet sniffing and glass swirling is a big old act he learned from the Food Network. I am starting to really hate this guy for the crappy way he treats my Joe.
Smells like failure with a dash of desperation.
Smells like 10 mil and I don’t have to work so suck it, Infant Dick!
Dave talks about trips to France and Gay Joe talks about playing Mah-Jong with his Nana in Ft. Lauderdale. What is wrong with that, I ask you? Megan’s all wrinkly nosed about it but I’m pretty sure that she is sick of Dave’s underhanded Joe insults, so off they go without him. Finally. Being strangled and put in a suitcase was starting to look good to me there for a minute.
He gives her the locket from the obligatory gift menu and they kiss and bam! He’s not gay anymore!
I just wanted you to have to watch it again, Ha!
I am sooooo going to hell this week. Pray for me.
She love, love, loves the Tiffany locket with it’s pictures of her and Lily inside. I am jealous again. Sigh. I guess that I’ll have to go put on my robe and play Bored Housewife Bones Hot Jehovah Witness Who Shows Up At The Door With Pamphlets Again with Mr. McSlore. The things you do for fine joorey.
The date is done, i am worried for my future gay bestie and Nacho Libre is feeling the heat as well. he decides to grab her attention by offering to teach her how to wrestle. She hands Lily to Big Mike and proceeds to kick Nacho’s ass.
There is no holding back with this trollop, all that fighting off of tricks in the backseats of cars has really paid off. She elbows him, kicks him, twists his arm, elbows him while kneeing him in the belly, sticks the same knee up his butt and slaps him. Looks like fun and no, I’m not joking. He’s got all that chub to protect him so don’t feel sorry for his beat up ass.
Fell sorry for the herd of zebras that had to die to make his robe.
At the end she fakes being hurt and when he acts all concerned, she catches him by surprise and slaps his face. I have a question- where were all these skills when Sharon Osbourne was dishing out her beat-down? Puh-lease, this girl can take care of herself. I think that you guys are right, she milked the situation for all it was worth and got a show of her own out of it.
They both had fun so she takes him aside to ask him some personal questions. Not a good idea. He’s from Arkansas, and tells her that he wants her to be his valet. No, he doesn’t want to drape his ties and boxers over her, he wants her to be the entertainment before his wrestling extravaganzas. I guess that he didn’t get the memo. MEGAN DOESN’T WANT TO WORK. SHE’S LAZY, CAPITAL L, CAPITAL A, CAPITAL Z, CAPITAL Y.
So pack your sweaty bags and haul ass back to the big top, Arrkans-Ass, you just shot yourself in the foot.
At elims, Dickhead the Murderer is wearing a stupid tea cozy on his head and he lost his Megan credit card. Cocky, much?
Nope, just your average everyday happy go lucky lady killer, that’s all.
Run, Megan, run! Before he sneaks into your room and hangs you by your weave!
You need a new one, by the way.
Double-O is safe first which means that we’ll never hear the end of it next week and the bottom three are Nacho, Gay Joe and Cameron 2. No. She goes to cut Cameron’s card and he stops her by saying that he will change his shy ways. You can’t change ugly, my friend. In the end it doesn’t matter anyhoo, he’s just filler.
Isn’t he supposed to be a swinger? I’m waiting……
She kicks out Nacho which he takes as an insult to all Arkansassians, bring up Bill Clinton, WalMart and rice. Way to end on a high note, big guy.
Uh oh, it’s Joe’s turn. They talk about friendship and she brings up marriage. Would you marry someone that you consider just a friend? He answers, “No,” and she cuts his card. You suck, Megan! When are the gays going to have their day? What does a rich homersexual have to do to get a beard around here?
Just issue your Twunty a black Amex, my love!
What a day! I haven’t checked any updates on Canadian Bacon yet. What the hell is going on? Anyone?
Love and Kisses,