Melrose Place: Canon: Backstab Boulevard

Hello Gasmii–

I have to say this episode is a marked improvement over the past couple of weeks. There’s still the same basic problems: depending too much on flashbacks that are more interesting than what’s going on in the present (i.e. a big waste of Laura Leighton), and with the exception of Cru-Ella, Whoren and Junoh, dull characters played with a disheartening lack of charisma. But Katie Cassidy makes a great lovable bitch and she definitely has chemistry with the adorable Michael Rady, and the call-girl storyline is trashily compelling fun, especially with Kelly Carlson now pulling the strings.

Get Nick Gonzalez’s clothes off and tonight’s rating of B- could inch its way north to B+ by sweeps.

“Ummm… I wish… we weren’t both anorexic?”

Cru & Whoren’s apt. Cru-Ella, in bra and panties, selects an outfit from her super-hot wardrobe and shoe collection as another saucy song by Kesha plays. Dr Whoren pops in with a birthday cupcake for her and tells Cru to make a wish. Cru doesn’t do “the wishing thing”– when Cru wants something, she just takes it. Cru is pleased when Whoren tells her W will do everything in her power to attend Cru’s b-day party, even if it means showing up in “scrubs and booties”.

MP courtyard. Junoh & Bad Pitt enter from a round of hoops, cuz they’re, like, regular dudes. Cru approaches and makes a funny about Junoh being too busy “auditioning for an Old Spice commercial” to RSVP for her party. No, you didn’t miss Junoh trying to become an actor (which would make sense since he’s the only guy on the show besides recurring he-men Thomas Calabro & Nick Gonzalez who can act)– Cru is making a joke referencing a popular men’s cologne of the 70′s. Cuz she’s, you know, 58. Junoh confirms he and fiancee Smiley will be coming. Didn’t Smiley tell Cru? “No text no tweet no call,” Cru says, pointing out that Smiley hates her. BP says he’s in and Cru will love his gift. Angrie enters from surfing in an unzipped wet suit revealing his muscular stomach, sculpted pecs and treasure-trail. BP makes a pissy face and exits to shower, since he and Angrie are on the outs after BP attacked Sinister Asian at Angrie’s restaurant.

Cru wants to know if Angrie got her rezzies at Coal, the uber-trendy nightspot and eatery. Yes, a block of best tables. Cru is pleased, especially when Angrie mentions that his prickish boss, Chef-lebrity Roccello is in NY, allowing Angrie to ply Cru and her guests with gourmet freebies. Ashlee Simpson appears in her daisy dukes and says she used her hostess clout to order the doorman to let all of Cru’s pals in. Too bad AS is getting paid shit. Never fear, Cru tells her. Their late landlady Sydney taught Cru “there’s always room to move up”. Cue FLASHBACK:

One juicy wet tow job coming right up!

Beverly Hills street. Cru emerges from a store to find a parking ticket on her windshield and her junky car being booted by a staggeringly guapo Tow-Truck Driver. He’s disabling her vehicle because of unpaid tickets. Cru freaks out, squawking that she just moved here from Denver and thought she had a year to take care of them. Sorry, sweets, you’re fucked! Cru pretends to burst into tears and feeds the concerned driver a phony sob story about having to drive her severely injured sister to physical therapy. Sydney appears and watches with a sly smile as the hunk gives Cru a break and removes the boot.

Syd says bravo and Cru tells her she recognizes her from the PR company where Cru works as a gofer. Syd says the company just dropped her as a client for being too “high-maintenance”, then predicts that Cru won’t be a peon for long, based on her masterful manipulation of the tow-truck stud. But first Cru has to “find a sense of style”– her hair and nails and everything else are all wrong. She’ll bring Cru to her salon and take her shopping. Cru wonders if Syd is a good samaritan, or a predatory lesbian, but Syd says Cru can repay her by publicizing Syd’s art gallery.

Out of FB: Cru advises Ashlee Simpson to figure out what AS wants, then go for it. If Cru hadn’t learned that, she’d still be living in Van Nuys and driving a hatchback.

PR company. Cru enters her office and finds hot detectives Chorizo & Black Super Model. After mockingly guessing that they’re her birthday strippers (LOL), Cru’s blood runs cold(er) when they tell her she needs to come downtown for questioning. They’ve gotten a tip that blows apart her alibi for the night of Syd’s murder! MAIN TITLE.

“Maddox, dude… I told you to stay outta my hash!”

Junoh & Smiley’s apt. Junoh tapes Bad Pitt’s birthday message to Cru-Ella. He saucily tells the camera he’d do anything and I do mean anything for Cru, then offers her a birthday bang. Smiley appears and chastises him for his naughty mouth. BP is banned from speaking at their wedding. Smiley kisses Junoh goodbye and exits to teach underprivileged tots. BP tells Junoh that making a “documentary” for Cru’s birthday is a huge gift. Junoh says Cru deserves it after all the work she’s thrown his way. Junoh shows BP his latest day-job, shooting virtual tours of lavish mansions for a realtor’s website. BP advises Junoh to sell a few blockbuster movies so he can move Smiley into a swank pad like those.

Coal. Angrie notices a Blonde Bombshell Bartender looks stressed out. She says she’s behind on her rent and can’t get her agent to return calls, so she bought a bottle of wine last night. But she didn’t open it. They exchange AA slogans, then she walks off just as Ashlee Simpson appears. Angrie says BBB is going through a rough patch, but he’s there for her since he knows what it’s like “to be on the receiving end” of something he doesn’t specify. AS, who doesn’t know Angrie’s an alky and is obviously jealous of BBB, looks vaguely disturbed. Or maybe she’s excitedly planning to usurp BBB’s job. Who the hell knows? Those kook eyes always make AS look vaguely disturbed!

Police station. Det. Chorizo shows Cru-Ella a mug shot of Dante Zaretti, “P.I. to the stars” and asks if she’s ever used his services. Cru says “half her clients” are married to scum, so she has “5 P.I.’s on speed-dial. Now why am I here?” Chorizo says he’s trying to account for Cru’s whereabouts the night Syd died. Where was Cru? Like she said before, Cru left Coal at midnight then went home and spent the night porking Bad Pitt. Chorizo shows her a security pic of Cru talking to Dante in the alley behind Coal at 1 AM. Cru says she lost track of time. Chorizo says this proves her alibi’s fake, and he also wants to know exactly what she’s discussing with a P.I. Cru says Dante is following a client’s husband to see if he’s gay. Chorizo doesn’t buy it, but Cru says she didn’t kill Syd and since Chorizo has no evidence to the contrary, he needs to release her… now.

“Perhaps you remember me from Showtime’s Res-Erection Boulevard.”

Restaurant. Whoren meets high-class madam Kelly Carlson for lunch. Kelly says she’s surprised Whoren wants to pursue whoring. Kelly has been looking into Whoren and thinks W’s demanding schedule as a heart surgery intern is a problem. W says she can arrange the sked around the clients if she has advance notice. Whoren confesses that the night they met at the hotel, W turned a trick and it turned ugly. W needs someone who can make sure she’s safe. Will Kelly please give her a chance? Kelly says yes and here are the rules: Kelly chooses the client, the time and the place. New bitches start at 1500 an hour and Kelly gets 50% off the top. If Whoren misses one appointment for any reason, she’s fired. Okey-doke!

PR company. Cru-Ella returns to the office and is intercepted by her boss Gayleb, who wants to know why two hunky detectives dragged her out of work. Cru says they’re investigating her murdered landlady and think Cru “can shed light on the case”. Gayleb says whatever mess Cru is in, clean it up fast. It’s bad for business. FLASHBACK: Syd storms into the office and says it’s Cru’s fault she had zero attendance at her gallery show last night and only made one sale. As employees gawk, Cru says she’s gotten way more buyers into Syd’s gallery than anyone else at the company. They weren’t there last night, Syd spits. Cru reminds Syd she’s gotten Syd major press (“…even Vanity Fair!”) Syd says the deal was Syd makes Cru over into a major PR flack, Cru promotes the gallery.

Cru snottily dismisses Syd, but Syd is relentless– she gave Cru style lessons and spent birthdays with Cru when Cru’s own mother didn’t bother calling her. Syd thought they were friends. They are, Cru snaps. “I’m just not at your beck and call 24-7.” Cru stomps off, and Syd calls out that judging from the size of Cru’s new office, Cru must be having sex with a lot of clients.

“We make a deliciously bitchy pair… too bad we’re stuck doing it in annoying klunky flashbacks!”

MP CY. Smiley runs into her “best friend” Whoren, who apologizes for being too busy to hang out. Smiley asks Whoren to come with her to pick out a wedding dress. W would love to, which Smiley says is good since S doesn’t “know the difference between satin and chiffon”. And they wonder why school kids’ test scores are in the toilet. W says they can meet here tomorrow at 5:30 and do that. Smiley smiles at her, having no idea that she’s probably going to be bumped for Persian anal.

Coal. Angrie notices AS behind the bar looking like a real mix-mistress. She says she’s practicing so she can ask Roccello if he needs an extra bartender. Angrie says it’s great she’s ambitious but she just started hostessing and “normally you have to work your way up”. AS says rent is eating up her whole paycheck and she could use the bar tips. Angrie feels her– “living in L.A. is kinda like eating at Coal. It’s all good until you get the bill.” AS says living next door to Cru-Ella makes a gal want to upgrade her wardrobe. Angrie says not to worry, AS looks great! AS melts inside with a happy grin.

Hospital. Whoren gets a call from Kelly. She has a date tomorrow at 4 PM at the Doheny Hotel. Her nom de poon will be Nikki Blew. As an alarm goes off and doctors swarm past Whoren to save someone’s life, she quickly confirms the assignation.

Mansion. Junoh pulls up in his junky car as Gayish Realtor shows some Asian business-types out of a stunning Mediterranean. Junoh tells GR he has the latest virtual-tour DVD for him and starts mentioning all the detail Junoh captured. What about the $65K necklace that was in one of the bedrooms? GR demands. It’s missing! Junoh has no idea what GR’s talking about and can’t believe GR’s accusing him of theft! GR has used Junoh before and knows J’s legit. Let’s see what the cops say, GR snarls.

“And please park your yellow shitbox around the corner. Thanks!”

Hotel suite. Whoren nervously paces, waiting for her client. He enters and is a bomb-ass sexy stud in a suit. He tells W that Kelly knows how to pick ‘em, then asks if he can kiss Whoren. Sure, of course, she stammers, looking freaked out. As Akon’s “Sexy Bitch” blasts humiliatingly on the soundtrack, Bomb-Ass unzips her dress. When she’s down to bra and panties, he says hold on, and changes the music. He wants her to dance for him. Whoren says she’s a terrible dancer. Bomb-Ass is miffed and asks if he needs to call Kelly for a replacement. No, of course, not, Whoren quickly says. She starts to do a stiff, awkward shimmy. Bomb-Ass tells her to “stop thinking, feel the music.” Jesus Cristo! Is this guy a john or a choreographer?! Maybe Kelly should have sent over a guy.

Whoren relaxes into the beat and gyrates around to BA’s satisfaction, unhooking bra as she swivels her taut, trim, boyish hips. Cut to the bed, post-boink. BA, looking barrel-chested and Calvin Klein-ad hot, says Kelly “never disappoints”. W starts to get out of bed and BA asks where she’s going. It’s been an hour, W says. Well BA always keeps the second hour optional. Didn’t Kelly tell her? Obviously Kelly didn’t, but W says yes and does BA mind if she makes a phone call. Seriously? he asks, annoyed. Does W have someplace to be? No, baby, I just wanna be where you want me to be, W assures him, trying to cover her vague disturbance. Whoren should’ve called your recap artist. I would’ve split the $750 with her and finished the job. Gladly!

“The best commercial for The Life since Pretty Woman! 5 Stars!”– Modern Whore

MP CY. Cru-Ella gets a text from sleazy P.I. Dante. “Stop ignoring me.” FLASHBACK:

Posh restaurant. Cru is dining with clients when a waiter approaches and says her platinum card’s been denied. That’s impossible. It has a $20K limit. The waiter politely requests Cru visit a nearby ATM. Cru looks up to see Syd at the bar, sipping a martini with wicked glee on her face. Cru storms over and demands to know how Syd pulled this off. Syd says it’s payback for Cru telling Bad Pitt Syd fucked his dad, Dr Michael Mancini.

Cru says Syd was also banging BP. Syd says Cru couldn’t stand to see Syd happy again. Cru says she’d love that, then Syd wouldn’t feel the need “to humiliate me in front of prospective clients”. Syd’s just saving them the trouble of discovering how Cru “kicks people to the curb” when Cru no longer needs them. Cru says Syd’s the one “who walked out on our friendship”. Syd nastily remarks that their definitions of friendship are “vastly different”. Cru tells Syd she could have her arrested. You’re the one with the maxed-out credit card, Syd smirks. Try the diner down the street. Syd sashays off as Cru stares at her murderously.

Out of FB: Bad Pitt’s apt. Cru impatiently waits for BP to finish getting ready so he can take her to the birthday party. Cru calls to him from the living room, asking what her present is. It’s a surprise, and no peeking, BP calls back, still trying to dress himself. I’m not peeking, she shoots back, while peeking through his things. She finds a ruby and diamond necklace that looks like it costs around $65K! She puts it back, stunned, as BP appears.

“Wait– your father is a MONKEY??! Shouldn’t you be a lot hairier?!”

Cru tells him Det. Chorizo has been grilling her, so if the cops ask BP, they got home after 2 AM the night of the murder, not around midnight. BP wants to know what’s up, she starts to tell a lie about how Chorizo wants to slip her the sausage, and BP cuts her off. If he’s going to be Cru’s alibi, he wants the truth about where she actually was. Cru warns him that if he doesn’t cover her ass, she’ll tell everyone he’s from San Bernardino. I’ve been there, and trust me, that’s blackmail material. But BP insists on the truth. She tells him the night Syd died, she slept with one of her clients. BP scoffs and Cru says it’s touchy because the client’s wife is also a client. Syd says if it gets out, it would ruin her. Now let’s get to my party.

Coal. Junoh & Smiley enter. Junoh is recounting his questioning by police and how he got all nervous and twitchy and must have seemed totally guilty. And the cops said they were going to call all his past employers and now Junoh’s budding career could be totally ruined! Smiley seems oddly unfazed by this upsetting news– her solution is for them to go home and eat popcorn. Junoh says he can’t bail on Cru-Ella on her birthday. But this will require “advanced level intoxication”. Smiley goes to the bar to get them drinks.

Cru is at a booth surrounded by young glam well-wishers, BP at her side. He hands her a gift-box, way too small to hold the necklace she saw at his apartment. She opens it to find a modest gold bracelet. BP can see that she hates it. No, but she MAY have gotten a peek at the amazing diamond and ruby bling in his desk, she admits. But the bracelet’s fine, thanks. Cut to Junoh, overhearing this exchange. “Son of a bitch,” he mutters, a murderous look darkening his cuddly face!

Cut to Junoh telling Smiley that BP saw the footage Junoh shot of the mansion and thus knew exactly where to find the necklace. So he burglarized the place? Smiley scoffs. I’m beginning to be super-irritated with her, and it has nothing to do with my desire to strip her fiance naked and slurp on his freshly shampooed armpit. What? Combined with nipple-play, it’s really hot. Smiley mentions that Junoh was suspicious of Ashlee Simpson recently, and now with BP, it’s like he’s living in his own tepid PG-rated CW thriller. Junoh says BP seemed very interested in the house video and the address was plainly visible on J’s computer. Smiley points out that BP has a massive trust fund and doesn’t need to steal. Maybe he gets off on the thrill, Junoh suggests.

“You should see what TVgasm says about all of you.”

Cut to Cru watching Junoh’s birthday video on her Blackberry. She is touched and calls Junoh over to her. “Go to your master,” Smiley says condescendingly. Seriously, bitch, you could be left at the altar SO easily, with only ex-alky Angrie and his lickable treasure-trail to console your ungrateful Pollyanna ass. Junoh crosses to Cru as Whoren rushes over to Smiley, apologizing for flaking on their wedding gown shopping trip. Something suddenly came up. And you couldn’t even call, Smiley pouts, not buying the whole crazy-doctor-schedule excuse this time. It’s a good thing Smiley doesn’t lean in too close and smell the jizz on Whoren’s breath.

Whoren promises to help Smiley find the perfect gown, but Smiley says it’s more than that: they used to be inseparable and now Whoren has some other life Smiley isn’t a part of. That life is “a hospital full of sick people”, Whoren self-righteously replies. Except Smiley called the hospital and W wasn’t there. Smiley walks off, miffed, as Whoren looks vaguely disturbed.

“Don’t be mad. It’s really hard to text when your fist’s up a hot businessman’s ass!”

Ashlee Simpson brings Blonde Bombshell Bartender some limes. BBB is slammed and grateful for the help– would AS mind stocking glasses for her? Sure thing, AS grins, covertly watching BBB slip a hundred under her register’s cash tray.

Cru is charmed by the special effect of a tiny Junoh prancing across her Blackberry screen, wishing her a wonderful b-day. Cru proclaims Junoh “the next Spike Jonze” and thanks him for the “most thoughtful gift ever”. She gives him an affectionate hug as Smiley pretends not to want to flay Cru with fish-hooks. Junoh sweetly says the video was a “group effort” and Cru makes a toast to great friends and how lucky she is to live in a building full of them. Angrie gives BP the stink-eye as Whoren feels Smiley’s disdain. Cheers!

Angrie goes to get a tray of shots. Smiley tells Junoh “let’s go”. But Junoh asks to speak to BP outside, to Smiley’s distress. Cru gets a text: “Meet me out on the fire escape for a birthday surprise.” Cru looks around slyly, trying to ascertain the identity of her secret admirer and giving us a chance to notice her groovy retro minidress totally emphasizes her booblessness. More power to her! In a beautifully lit and composed shot, she walks outside onto a ledge, where she’s trapped by skanky private dick Dante! Surprise, he purrs dangerously.

“Where’s my birthday present and does it come in saline?”

Dante demands to know why Cru has been bombarding him with emails and voice messages. She says she had to speak to him before the cops did, “to get our stories straight”. The night they met on-cam before Syd died they were discussing a mutual client, got it? Cru says she certainly wasn’t about to tell the police Dante killed Syd. Dante’s feathers ruffle and he tells Cru he walked into that courtyard and found Syd face down and dead. The cops ain’t gonna buy it, Cru scoffs. Don’t get any ideas about pinning the murder on me, Dante advises her. The cops will be just as interested to know Cru hired Dante to break into Sydney’s apartment. FLASHBACK to the pilot:

Bad Pitt tells Cru that “Sydney keeps text-bombing me, I gotta go”, then shoves cash in her hand so Cru can take a cab back to MP. Cru does shots with agents and then sees Dante enter Coal. She waves flirtatiously to him, then follows him out to the alley to give his assignment: break into Syd’s place and look for any proof that Syd is trying to ruin Cru’s life– bank statements, credit card bills, photos, medical records, diaries, scrapbooks, flash drives, sex tapes, mirrors with “CRU MUST DIE” scrawled on them in lipstick.

Out of FB: Cru asks Dante what really happened. Did she catch him in her apartment and he panicked and stabbed her? Dante suggests he tell the cops Cru killed her and is trying to frame him for it. The tense, vaguely disturbing moment is interrupted by Whoren looking for Cru. Cru goes into happy/pretty/busy mode and introduces Whoren to “Mike Smith, a work colleague”. Cru says “Mike” is just leaving. On his way out, he growls “Happy Birthday”. Whoren reacts. What was that? Just a drunken work guy, Cru lies. Let’s get out of here.

“Who’s your friend, Cru, and does he need a date?”

Cut to street outside Coal. BP asks Junoh if he’s kidding. Cut the crap, Junoh says. Did you take the necklace or not? BP makes a joke not worth dignifying here, to which Junoh replies that Junoh heard Cru say she saw it at BP’s. BP says it belongs to “a chick I hooked up with” who left it “by mistake, okay?!” Does BP think Junoh likes accusing a bro of such malfeasance?! J’s job is on the line! Unlike BP, Junoh has to work for a living. BP advises him to leave the detective work to the pros and go back to working on his “home videos”. Junoh says he can see why Angrie has been shunning BP– BP better be careful he doesn’t “burn through your trust fund the way you burn through all the people in your life!” Junoh stomps off. BP looks VD.

Cut to bar. Angrie, who’s apparently the manager as well as the sous-chef, is closing up for the night and asks Blonde Bombshell Bartender if there’s another cash box lying around. Because they’re $700 short at the bar. BBB has no idea how that could be! Did Angrie forget to run the credit cards? Nope. Ashlee Simpson appears and places a box on the bar, knocking off BBB’s purse. Several hundies fall out. BBB insists she didn’t put them there. Angrie doesn’t buy it. AS watches covertly from across the room as BBB tells Angrie he knows she doesn’t steal. But she used to, to buy drugs, Angrie says. That was over a year ago, BBB says. Angrie has to trust her on this. He says he doesn’t know what to think and they can discuss it tomorrow. BBB storms off, offended. AS watches, pleased with herself.

MP CY, next morning. Whoren leaps out of the pool in her bikini to apologize once more to Smiley, who’s just returned from a very unsweaty run. W claims she was in radiology before she checked in at the desk, and couldn’t get any cell reception. This was no ordinary shopping trip, Smiley pouts. She was using it as an excuse to ask Whoren to be her Slut Maid of Honor. Whoren is crushed and doesn’t know what to say. Smiley weakens and says it’s selfish to ask W to do this. With her busy schedule studying and interning, W doesn’t have time for “silly wedding plans”. W stops her right there– she doesn’t know what she’d do without her BFF and will find a way to make it all work. They share a warm, girly hug.

BP’s apt. Junoh drops in on BP to apologize. A maid found the necklace while cleaning. Why would I have to steal jewelry, BP asks. Junoh says he imagined that maybe BP’s posh job-free lifestyle could all be a facade. BP tells Junoh to “stick with the rom-coms– film noir is killing you.” And trying to play a dark, intriguing, complex character is killing you, BP, so shut up. How can Junoh make it up to BP? BP says they’ll settle it on the basketball court. Loser buys lunch.

“And for the Something Borrowed, make sure it’s not any of your dirty whore-panties. That’d be gross.”

MP CY. Whoren & Smiley relax poolside, perusing bridal mags and ripping on uncool gowns. Then Whoren’s phone rings. It’s Kelly. Whoren keeps her side of the convo vague and med school-sounding as Kelly tells her the date with Bomb-Ass was a test and Whoren passed it with felching colors. Kelly will be using Whoren a lot from now on. Whoren hangs up and tells curious Smiley she passed a test at work. Congratz, BFF! Smiley starts jabbering about something hideous in teal as Whoren looks vaguely disturbed.

Coal. Ashlee Simpson feigns concern for Blonde Bombshell Waitress to Angrie. He tells AS that Roccello doesn’t believe BBB’s insistent claims of innocence and she’s fired. AS tentatively asks if Roccello would give her a chance as bartender. Angrie has already spoken to him and AS is on Tuesday nights to start. She has to be super-boozerific because Roccello isn’t running a charity. AS gushes gratitude, which Angrie brushes off. Just keep your paws out of the till and you’ll do great, he says, flashing a Tom Cruisey grin. AS gives his manly hand a squeeze and skips off.

“Nice meat!”

MP CY, that night. Cru-Ella returns home to be greeted by Det. Chorizo. Cho spoke to Dante. Good, Cru says, then you know we were discussing a mutual client. Actually, he said Cru hired him to break into Syd’s apartment, and when he got there, Syd was already dead. Dante said Cru got there first and went Patricia Krenwinkel on Syd’s ass. Then tried to frame him. Cru keeps it together and explains that it’s sour grapes because Cru’s company stopped using him. Syd made Cru what she is today, she tells Cho. Why would Cru want her dead? If the cops can prove Dante’s story, Cru is going down for murder. “It’s gonna feel real good when I get to tighten the handcuffs around those adorable little wrists,” Cho purrs, revealing a kinky side I would pay good money to experience myself. He walks off and Cru stares at the heated pool, chilled. THE END