Melrose Place: Gower: Bitchin In The Kitchen Trail

Hola Gasmii–

Heather Locklear‘s coming to Melrose Place! That’ll definitely get those Gossip Girl and Vampire Diaries fans to start tuning in! They’re also getting rid of two series regulars and incredibly one of them isn’t Bad Pitt. None of this is happening for at least a week, so don’t get all excited. Not like you were planning to.

I could go on and on about how to spice this show up, but my Real Housewives of Atlanta feud with passive-agressive Gasmi chickadee 2586 has sapped my will to live. Read all about it over on that blog when this one saps yours.

Katsuya. Junoh is still having drinks with Sex-Bomb Development Exec, who, like the rest of us, has a big boner for the cuddly wunderkind, but so far they’re sticking to business, illustrated by a howlingly unbelievable exchange about how F-Toy D-Girl prefers Stanley Kubrick to Quentin Tarantino. I’m sure the execu-chicks at The CW were super-flattered by the casting here, but let’s face it, what this bimbo doesn’t know about Kubrick could fill an AMC special. After slamming Quentin again (and after that Grindhouse/Deathproof extended turd sandwich, he’s earned it!), Sex-Bomb says she wants to KNOW everything about Junoh, her hand settling erotically on his. Junoh cutely tells her that it “starts out a little slow, but then it has a few good twists…” And if she’s lucky, adult situations and frontal nudity.

“…And I have a great pitch about a cock-crazed stripper who moonlights as a development exec!”

Cru-Ella & Whoren‘s apt. Cru is doing crunches when Whoren walks in all tarted up, “home from yet another late night and looking absolutely fabulous”, Cru smirks. W thought Cru was at a client dinner and tries to blow off Cru’s queries about “the lucky guy” tonight. Cru smells secrecy and asks if W’s banging “a married man”. No, drop it. Cru says despite being a professional gossip, Cru can totally keep a secret. And she’s probably dealt with the exact same problem, so spill it. W says there’s nothing to spill– “my life’s just not tabloid material.” W exits to her room as Cru looks disturbedly curious.

Katsuya. Sex-Bomb is riveted by Junoh’s anecdote about shooting a “doggie birthday party”, and spins it into another compliment about J’s prize-winning short “Living In Reverse”. J tells her how “refreshing” it is to find a Hollywood exec who “gets my vision”. Sex-Bomb calls him “funny, honest, charming, sexy” then leans in for a kiss, which J begins to reciprocate for a split-second before pulling back and announcing “I’m engaged!” Sex-Bomb is duly dismayed and demands to know why he didn’t tell her– she never would have– I just got caught up in the moment, J says. SB tells him he can’t break his fiancee’s heart if he’s not ready for marriage. Oh, I’m ready, he says. Then why did you kiss me? she snaps, before yelling “Check!” As Junoh’s visionary penis goes into turnaround, cut to MAIN TITLE.

Coal. Angrie does his sous-chef thing, but isn’t he more of a fancy fry-cook, since we NEVER see him cheffing without a skillet? Just once, I’d love to see him whip up a nice lasagna. Oh, who’m I kidding– like the writers, I don’t really give a shit. “Oh, my God… that smells amazing!” chirps stalker/hostess/vacuously creepy Ashlee Simpson, eagerly watching flames erupt from Angrie’s frying pan and imagining the same thing happening in her fiery red kitchen when she finally seduces/traps/rapes him into cooking there. Angrie thought she went home after her shift, but is she hungry? Oh, yeah, her dinner was cherries and olives. Come on, AS! Don’t exaggerate. From the looks of you, it was AN olive and A cherry.

“Seriously, you need to eat something.”

Angrie serves her an attractively plated scallop, then ups the heat by forking it into her mouth. When she doesn’t speak, Angrie worries he should “dial back” the seasoning, but– surprise– AS loves it: “The flavors are so layered–

is that saffron?” “Someone’s developing a palate,” Angrie smiles, apparently suffering from too many bonks on the head with his surfboard to realize what her tongue is really craving of his is salty and creamy and contains DNA. Mason the owner is coming in tomorrow to weigh in on the winter menu– Angrie would love to get a dish on it.

His hot-headed boss, chef-lebrity Roccello appears and AS begs him to try “this dish Angrie invented– it’s unreal!” And if there’s one thing AS knows a lot about, it’s unreality. But in this case, it’s Seared Scallop with Oven-Roasted Tomato Cous-Cous in a Saffron Verblanc. Roccello scoffs that the saffron will bring out the “iodine taste” in the scallops. “That’s why I used caramelized shallots!” Angrie pertly informs him. Roccello tastes it and it clearly doesn’t suck, but the prick has to nitpick that Angrie should’ve used a little less thyme. Angrie says he knows R is looking for dishes for the new menu, so if he “makes the adjustment”, could the scallops be “a contender”? R dismisses him with a “You’re not quite ready for primetime”, which anyone familiar with daytime soap operas might also say about this show’s uninspired plotting.

“But I didn’t spit it out for a change,” R says. If Angrie is such a rotten cook, why did R hire him in the first place?! It’s not like Angrie cooks topless, which actually might boost the ratings above the 1.1 with a 2-share this episode got on Tuesday. “I’d order it,” Ashlee Simpson tells R. “Not in this restaurant you won’t,” R snips before he walks off.

“You do understand there’s film in that camera, right?”

MP courtyard. Bad Pitt makes out furiously with a Slut in a Mini-Dress, hoisting her up onto the patio bar for a little dry-humping. BP squeezes titty and licks shoulder. “Wanna get high?” the slut pants. Sounds great! She pulls a joint from her bra and is about to blaze up when they’re interrupted by Detective Chorizo (the muy gustoso Nick Gonzalez). BP quickly tosses the j behind the bar, but Cho says he doesn’t care about the “skunk-bud”, he’s “investigating a homicide”. The slut shimmies off, as BP indignantly reminds Cho that BP already told him everything he knows about the night Sydney was murdered. Cho is not sure that’s true. I didn’t kill Syd, BP insists.

BP’s alibi is “tied to someone who’s an accessory in her death”, Cho says, explaining that Cru-Ella hired a private dick “to break into Syd’s apartment– the theory is things turned bad.” Cho needs BP to admit he wasn’t with Cru that night so they can arrest the devious blonde publicist for obstruction. BP assures Cho that Cru had “nothing to do” with the murder. Cho says protecting his homegirl is going to get BP in big “aiding and abetting” trouble. BP says he’d never protect Syd’s killer– BP & Syd “had a connection”. Cho says that relationship was stormy, but BP tells him “she was there for me.” FLASHBACK:

Cemetery. Bad Pitt sobs over a tombstone marked “Caitlin Breck– Beloved Mother, 1967-1999″. “Mom, I want to make you proud!” BP weeps. But BP “screwed up”. “I can’t help it,” he blubbers, “I miss you so much!” Suddenly a white hanky drifts into view. Sydney offers it to wipe BP’s nonexistent tears. “I’m okay,” he tells her. Syd knows how he feels– her dad’s buried here, too. The hurt never goes away, but “You just have try to deal however you can,” she advises him. She says he probably doesn’t want to hear this from “a stranger”, but BP appreciates her tough, honest wisdom. They introduce themselves and she invites him to breakfast. Cut to:

“Do you know if this cemetery’s looking for a crypt-keeper?”

Bedroom. BP and Syd fuck the pain away.

Out of FB, Detective Chorizo tells BP to admit “you and Cru were never together the night of the murder.” That’d be a lie, BP replies. Speaking of lies, how does BP “live like a rock star without a single deposit from a trust fund or your old man?” If BP stonewalls him, Cho will find out how BP affords his “life of leisure”. Cho exits, leaving BP to try to look vaguely disturbed and managing to just look vague.

Junoh & Smiley’s apt., next morning. As a Howie Day song about morning provides very literal accompaniment, Junoh lies awake and overdressed in bed as Smiley sleeps beside him. The alarm rings, S awakens and asks J where he was last night. She got his text about being out late and tried to wait up for him. Did J get her message about Anton V? J says yes, he replied. S checks her phone and scoffs at the “emoticon” response. S says she didn’t want to go to bed without talking about the Angrie situation. J says nothing, getting out of bed and not even treating us to some underpants action– he’s in pajama bottoms. J goes to his computer as S asks where he went on his “walk”.

“Look, I already explained it you… it’s funny because it says I Hate Seagulls but there’s bird-shit on it.”

J “wandered over to Sunset for a drink”, he says. He agrees to wake her up next time, then his phone beeps. His Shlubby Assistant Travis is bailing on their wedding video shoot today because of a Wii injury. S offers to help him like she used to do in college– when was the last time they spent a day together?

PR company. Cru-Ella’s hunky boss Gayleb grabs her for a “def-con 5″ emergency. Someone named Jessie Roberts just OD’d on Oxycontin trying to come down off cocaine. He’s in stable condition, but Cru needs to “get a team ready– we can’t have the public know how many drugs are fueling their favorite all-American smile! Choppers are buzzing ULA even as we speak!” ULA?! Cru gasps. Let her handle this. Her BFF works at that hospital so Cru can “bury this”.

Coal. Ashlee Simpson informs skillet-wielding Angrie that the owner just valeted his car. Roccello walks in with Mason, played by choco-licious dream-stud Rick Fox, whom I fell in love with when he played a rapist on Oz. Mason greets Angrie warmly– M didn’t eat breakfast yet. R reacts, slightly miffed, and suggests M try the winter menu, “a global bazaar of flavors”. M says smaller plates mean smaller profits. M wants “high-ticket entrees”. I’ve got your spicy enchilada right here, honey! R says a dish came to him last night, Seared Scallops and Oven-Roasted Tomato meow meow… AS listens in horror as R tells Angrie to cook the scallops while R takes M to the wine cellar.

“If this was the Oz cafeteria, I’d fuck you and slit your throat at the same time!”

AS tells Angrie this is “cooking plagiarism” and “you can’t let him get away with that!” Angrie dejectedly informs her there’s “a chain of command in the kitchen” so Angrie must roll over and make evil R “look good” if Angrie ever wants to be promoted. AS sasses that “your chain is being yanked”, then exits in a huff. Angrie looks vaguely disturbed.

Seaside estate. Junoh & Smiley arrive with the camera equipment. S is in awe of the beautiful site– can J believe this is going to be them soon? I really can’t, J sighs glumly. S wants to know what’s wrong– J barely said a word in the car. He says he was just “going over shots in my head”– weddings are tricky. S tells him if he has something to discuss, they should talk about it, otherwise, let’s try to make today fun. J softens, agreeing. He tells her to set up a tripod while he does the same.

Hospital. Cru-Ella enters the private room of Jessie, a Clean-Cut CW Hottie, who looks slightly puffy after his brush with death. Is Cru gonna yell at him, Jessie wonders. Later– first, how ARE you? Fine, he says. He has no idea what happened– he just did “a couple of lines”. And ended up in the hospital? Cru scoffs. Jessie is clearly “out of control”. Jessie blames it on “bad blow”. Cru says he’s kidding himself, but she’s not going to let him become an E True Hollywood Story called “Oops, I Did It & Died”. Actually it would just be called “Jessie Roberts”.

“The next time Miley Cyrus asks you to snort something off her tits, don’t text back.”

Jessie worriedly asks if people know, like his mom. Cru says there are rumors swirling, but they can be controlled. BTW, does Jessie have allergies? Yes, to penicillin. Cru says she’s sequestering him with “no phone calls, no texts, no tweets”. Jessie says he can’t live without video games. OK, but no more Bolivian marching powder– “otherwise you’re going to have to power-lunch with River Phoenix.” To Cru’s Gen Y horror, young Jessie has no idea who that is. Whoren enters, and is surprised to see Cru was the one who paged her. The gals step outside for a private chat. Cru tells W that Jessie is a top client and a top teen star, Zac Efron plus the Jonas Brothers “in one squeaky-clean, heart-throbby package!” Actually, he’s more like Matt Damon divided by Brian Austin Green. But whatevs.

Whoren scoffs that Jessie’s hardly a clean teen– he was so full of chemicals “it’s a miracle” he’s not dead. Exactly, and W can help Cru out of this crisis by creating “new admissions documents sating that Jessie had an allergic reaction to penicillin”. No way. Cru says Jessie’s really allergic, so it’s “legit”. W says it’s unethical and a felony. Cru just needs to buy some time till a new scandal pushes this one into obscurity and Cru swears she’ll put Jessie in rehab herself as soon as he’s out of the hospital. W says she’s busting her ass (ain’t it the truth, Gasmii) in med school to take an oath to do no harm. Who’s being harmed, Cru wants to know. “The patient, the doctor, the hospital, the truth,” W rattles off.

Cru says if W plays ball the PR firm would make a donation to the hospital and Jessie would make monthly visits to sick tots. Everybody wins! W shakes her head, but Cru presses– what if they also throw in a couple grand for W?

“He’s YOUR client… How the hell do I know how Hugh Jackman’s wedding ring ended up in his rectum?”

PR company. Gayleb intercepts Cru to ask how it went. Cru tells him what she offered Whoren, but the upstanding intern wouldn’t bite. G scoffs at the paltry bribe– since the firm will charge this to Jessie’s PR account, go back and offer W $50K. As G walks off, Cru says she’s not sure that’ll work. Just get it done, he snaps. Bad Pitt appears and tells Cru they need to talk. Sorry, not a good time. He follows her into her office and says Detective Chorizo confronted him last night, revealing Cho thinks Cru had something to do with Syd’s death. If BP doesn’t queer Cru’s alibi, Cho will find a reason to throw BP in jail.

Cru scoffs that Cho has no proof she and BP weren’t together that night. BP tells Cru that Cho told him Cru met with a PI that night and hired him to break into Syd’s apartment. Admit it, Cru wasn’t with “a married client” that night, was she? As Cru gawps, BP demands to know why Cru lied to him since BP knows Cru didn’t kill her. Cru explains that this PI is “a hothead” and if Syd found him at her place, he could have offed her, making Cru an accessory. BP tells Cru the PI didn’t kill Syd either. How does BP know that? He tells her he “blacked out that night”, and BP was totally furious with Syd after Cru told him Syd was fucking BP’s Dad, Dr Michael Mancini. FLASHBACK to:

Syd’s apt. Wearing a designer creation that exposes way more of her Cougarexic bod than any of us need to see, Syd tells BP she’s taking him to an art opening and in return will ply BP with nookie later. She reaches out to stroke his pouty puss, but BP grabs her wrist and accuses her of using him: Dad dumped her, so she decided to bang BP to make Dad jealous! BP says he loved Syd, but she knew who BP was all along when she “ran into” him at the cemetery, which Syd’s dad is so obviously not buried in. BP tells Syd she’d do anything to get what she wants– she’s “a pathetic whore”! Syd smacks BP across the face and calls him “a spoiled brat”.

“I am SO not spoiled.”

Out of FB, Cru can’t believe BP thinks he might have killed Syd. BP says he “honestly” doesn’t know.

Seaside estate. As Junoh futzes with his camera, Smiley says they should start thinking about what band to hire for their own wedding. J thinks bands are too unpredictable; he’d prefer a DJ. Will J consider a band because it’s what she wants? J pissily says asking him to “consider other people’s feelings” is a “dangerous precedent”. S is upset that J thinks she doesn’t care about his feelings. They’re interrupted by a Society Broad in a Hat, who tells J to make sure he records the Bride and Groom‘s vows so they can treasure them forever. Society Broad flounces off and J says nothing to S, so she flounces off in a huff.

Cru-Ella & Whoren’s apt. Cru is looking for Whoren but W’s not in her room. Cru enters and finds a slutty black bra, prompting Cru to remark to herself that W would make “the best porn doctor ever”. Cru wanders to W’s open closet and starts snooping, discovering a notepad and a Doheny Hotel envelope. Cru sees a list of figures adding up to $12,750 and a wad of hundies. W enters, startling Cru and demanding to know what Cru’s up to. “I was just going to ask you the same thing… Pretty Woman!”

“Would it kill you to once spring for the toilet paper around here?”

Cru says “the late nights, amazing wardrobe and mystery men” can only mean one thing. W says her dad sent her the cash for school after winning at poker. Cru points out that it’s mid-afternoon and W’s all dolled up. W says she just came from an “interns’ special honors lunch” and how dare Cru interrogate her like W’s a common ho. Cru says if W will help her with Jessie, Cru can help W attend fewer “special luncheons”. W can’t believe Cru’s still asking her to lie. Cru says the bribe’s been upped to 50K. W says “my career comes first”– Cru of all people should understand that. Cru tosses W a withering glance.

Seaside estate. Junoh tapes Bride and Groom exchanging vows about never keeping secrets and sharing everything as Smiley mans the other camera and dabs tears from her eyes. Cut to minutes later. J tells S he “kissed someone last night,” namely Super-Producer’s D-girl. S gasps and J says he reacted the same way when he found out S kissed Angrie. The difference is S “carried on” as if nothing ever happened while J feels like total shit. S says she can explain. That’s a switch from her hiding the adulterous lip-lock “for weeks”! S says she’s been dying to tell J… But you didn’t, J snaps– meanwhile his own guilt has been eating J up inside.

S agitatedly labels her kiss as a stupid, meaningless mistake that wasn’t worth upsetting him about. Because then she’d find out what it means to rip someone’s heart out, J replies. S grabs J by the lapels and says she wishes she could take it back. J says he has a reception to shoot, and walks off in a huff.

“But YOU were supposed to get the flower-girl coverage!”

Construction site. Bad Pitt pulls up in his Porsche. No one seems to be around, but there’s building material, a trailer and a chain-link fence with a No Trespassing sign. FLASHCUT to the same place late at night, then FLASHBACK to:

Syd’s apt./MP CY. BP wakes up nude except for boxer-briefs in Syd’s bed, splattered with blood and holding a bloody knife. He jumps up, calling for Syd. No answer. He follows a trail of blood out the open door, down the stairs to the pool, where Syd floats face down in a cloud of blood!

Construction site, night. Now dressed, BP pulls up in his Porsche, with the knife wrapped in a rag. He leaps the fence, uses a handy shovel to dig a hole, tosses the knife in and buries it.

“That’s it! No more shoulder-waxing!!!”

Out of FB, BP leaps the fence and starts digging in a frenzy. Why he thinks he’s in the exact spot is anyone’s guess, but it’s not there, which is so upsetting BP starts talking to himself.

Coal. Roccello testily shoves an undercooked steak at Angrie as Ashlee Simpson leads Smiley to the open kitchen area. S tells Angrie they need to talk. Do you mind, Ashlee Simpson? Smiley asks. Not at all, AS says, obviously minding. Angrie and Smiley go to a more private area and she demands to know why A told Junoh about the kiss. A is very sorry– from what J said to him, it sounded like J already knew. Angrie admits to screwing up, and so does S– if she hadn’t gotten drunk, it never would’ve happened. S agrees it won’t happen again because she thinks she and Angrie should stop “hanging out”. “It’s ruining my relationship!” S sighs.

Angrie is crushed! No more coffee and jogging and doing what friends do?! S says she’s marrying the man she loves and “it bothers” Junoh when she kicks it with Angrie and his muscle-slabbed treasure-trail. Sorry, stud. He claims he understands, but clearly it’s very upsetting. S scurries off.

“He woke up with a boner! How would YOU have handled it?!”

Hospital. Gayleb is at Jessie’s bedside when Cru-Ella enters, grinning. Let’s see those dummy docs– Gayleb has The Smoking Gun “on stand-by”. Cru says she has a Plan B, since her friend is being “stubborn”. Gayleb immediately jumps to trying to discredit Whoren, who he thinks is a nurse. But Cru has a better idea– let the truth out as is. A cover-up “would only be enabling” Jessie. Is this a Plan B or an intervention, G snips. Both. Cru insists that even if they successfully smoke the press, it’s only a matter of time before Jessie winds up pulling the same shit again. Plus maybe a tabloid has a spy on-staff here anyway. G reluctantly agrees this way they’d “control the story”. Cru says if Jessie goes through rehab and repents, “the baby-faced tweeny-bopper becomes a leading man.” Risky but inspired, Cru! She says she’s going to make some calls, but for the record, Sexist Gay, her friend’s not a nurse, “she’s going to be one of the finest doctors” in hospital history.

Coal. Roccello comes sniffing around Angrie’s work-station, tasting the scallop sauce and bitching that he can’t taste the thyme. Angrie says he’ll just put it back “the way I originally had it”, prompting R to snap that he needs to dial down the attitude! “And from now on, when you’re on shift, no ducking out to whisper sweet nothings to your exotic girlfriend.” A insists Smiley’s “just a friend”, but R’s not buying it, he saw the way they were making cow eyes at each other. “Which is fine, cuz I couldn’t stop staring at her ass!” R cracks. Don’t talk about her like she’s a piece of pan-seared meat, A warns. She’s sweet, like dessert, R says. Is A “up for sharing?” A has had enough and attacks his boss, beating him senseless as fellow chefs try to pull him off the prick and Ashlee Simpson screams for A to stop!

IS it???

Angrie’s apt., that night. Topless Angrie answers the door to Ashlee Simpson. He says he’s “not the best company right now”, but she’s just there to return his knives, which he forgot to pack when he went. He lets her in and she tells him he’s “way too good” for Coal. And Roccello the “total dick” so had it coming. Angrie glumly tells her he lost control “like I was out of my body”. I hope he enjoyed the view. AS says as A’s friend, she wants him to feel free to tell her “anything”. She lifts his hand and asks if it hurts. A, displaying some real sexy heat for once, murmurs yes, then starts passionately kissing the little psycho. He breaks it off and apologizes– he shouldn’t have. Oh, yes, you should, she pants. They collapse onto the couch and he starts pulling her dress off.

And here’s your answer.

Police station. Detective Chorizo stares at his Sydney murder suspect board when his partner Black Super Model enters. BSM has a bloody butcher knife in an evidence bag– a “construction worker” found it. Get it to the lab and put a rush on it!

Cemetery. Bad Pitt kneels at Sydney’s headstone, which says she was born in 1972. (Laura Leighton was really born in 1968, but with all that facial work, it looks more like 1962.) BP talks to dead Syd– he’s sorry, so very sorry.

Junoh & Smiley’s apt. Junoh’s on the phone– tomorrow’s great, can’t wait. Just then, Smiley returns home and says she dumped Angrie as a friend. J is surprised, he never would have told her to do that. S says she wanted to because J comes first. J says that was Sex-Bomb on the phone. S is shocked that he’s seeing the horny tramp tomorrow. “To work on my pitch,” J clarifies. S can’t believe this is the way he reciprocates S’s selfless gesture. J says he won’t give up his career “because you and I are having trouble!” Or feel guilty about it, S snips. The slut’s boss Andrew Misher is the only producer who cares about J’s film, he explains. He will keep things “strictly professional” with Sex-Bomb. How ’bout S trusts J?

“They’re not gonna write you out. You’re the only guy here who can act!”

S whines that they seem to be on completely different tracks. J agrees, it started when he proposed. S starts to tear up and says she’ll do anything to save their relationship. J wants to also, fighting with S “sucks”. He wishes he could erase the past few days, but he can’t. What will become of them? S sighs miserably. J leaves her standing in an attractively framed window shot.

Cru-Ella & Whoren’s apt. W is studying when Cru comes in and apologizes. It was wrong to think Cru could buy W off and even wronger to think W would bite. Cru promises not to ask W to compromise her ethics again, “unless it involves a future Rx pad.” W grins and says she saw Jessie’s OD story on the news. Cru says W was right about Jessie coming clean and getting help. W hopes Cru won’t “be sharing your ridiculous theories” about W hooking with anyone. No, never. But if she ever wants to talk, Cru is here. W shrugs that “there’s nothing to talk about”. Cru suggests a Julia Roberts dvd marathon. Steel Magnolias, not Pretty Woman. They’re BFF’s again!

Way to keep us breathlessly awaiting the next episode. Seriously, please hire some soap writers, CW. It’s not too late to save this mess!