Melrose Place: June: Tattle-Tale Lane

Hi Gasmii–

In case you haven’t yet experienced the fabulously toxic stylings of ‘Gasm recap artist Twunty McSlore, hop directly onto the Real Housewives of Orange County page as soon as we’re done here. Homegurrrl has taken over with a vengeance and her acid observations will definitely spike your enjoyment of Bravo‘s most celebrated trainwreck franchise. And feel free to make a comment about the show, or Twunty’s hilarious references (Cheryl Ladd!), or… me!

Yeah, me. A Gasmi by the name of Uglycutie recently commented on there about my “meltdown” during the Reunion episodes of my last Gas-signment, Real Housewives of Atlanta and cited the lack of comments on this blog as proof that I’m now as welcome as a pubic hair in the paella. For the record, someone accused me of phoning in my Reunion recaps and I bit back like the feisty Latina I am. This somehow led to a shocking display of solidarity amongst a small clique of humorless lame-asses sensitive Gasmii who might be better off at a less sarcastic site, like RyanSeacrest.com. A big fat GRACIAS to Gasmi Renata for her wise words and sweet sentiments– I’m not being sarcastic here: Renata, we love you!

I prefer to think that the reason there aren’t more comments may have something to do with Melrose Place‘s unique ability to sap one’s will to live. If the show featured more psychotic defensive evil whores like myself, perhaps the ratings might improve!

PR Company, night. The new & improved, kickier, kookier, non-mopey soon-to-be-Ashlee-Simpson-free MP that we were recently promised in the pages of EW gets off to a stunningly stupid start with ultra-cooze Amanda in her new office busy surfing the private web pages of the LAPD. Love the new direction already, CW. Cuz you know what this show’s problem has been? Too much realism.

Anyway, being a top publicist apparently gets Amanda snooping privileges with the cops, called the LAP here for clearance reasons. A is digging into the murder of ex best frenemy Sydney using top-secret law-enforcement-only apps, illustrated with faux web graphics full of annoying, freeze-frameable details, like 555 telephone numbers, also courtesy of the network legal department. God forbid we viewers see or hear digits that remotely resemble an actual phone number. Someone might call it and then The CW gets slapped with a lawsuit. Protecting itself from its moronic viewers requires an entire network department. Why not make it a real number and load it up with a recording promoting the show? 555 numbers are the equivalent of Acme products in a Roadrunner cartoon.

ANYWAY… Amanda’s zipping through a “Persons of Interest” gallery– tortured unemployed sous-chef Angrie, crafty blonde vixen Cru-Ella, vapid stalker/bartendress/bitter adoptee Ashlee Simpson, even more vapid trustafarian Bad Pitt, his evil cardiologist Dad– as she complains to someone on the phone that “the object I’m looking for wasn’t checked into evidence”. This means that Syd gave this mysterious object to someone “for safekeeping” and Amanda has no idea who Syd trusted that much, but “I know where to start looking.”

He’s 43 like I hate giving BJ’s.

MP courtyard. Dr Whoren & Bad Pitt return from a Kings of Leon concert. W gushes about their front-row seats– she had “an amazing time!” So did BP. They make out. BP asks her to “come upstairs”, but as much as she’d love scissoring the night away with Miss Pitt, she has early morning “rounds”, which means she’s still struggling to allow her dirty hooker self to enjoy consensual comped sex. W knows “most of your dates” go down like a submarine, but BP assures her that he likes that she’s a total cocktease “totally different”. He goes upstairs alone and she gazes at the moonlit pool like the wistful conflicted pussy-peddler she is.

Junoh & Smiley‘s apt. We finally get some topless Junoh action as the cuddly cinematic wunderkind practices his necktie knots over a lightly-haired, perky-pec’d bare chest. He’s starting a new job tomorrow in the IT department of the PR company. Smiley’s grateful to Cru for landing him the gig but isn’t thrilled the fiance she so doesn’t deserve will be working alongside his sassy, sexy blonde BFF. But as an unemployed teacher, S knows how tough the job market is. S can’t resist J in his boxer shorts and starts nibbling his neck, tossing him onto the bed and straddling the yummy junior auteur. Cue nauseatingly cutesy sexual banter.

“Just keep tightening till you hear the safe word!”

Dad’s mansion. Dad (diabolical genius heart surgeon Michael Mancini), atop Tran-orexic Trophy Bride Vanessa, groans appreciation at their reunion after his European medical conference. Tranessa’s worried the open windows are providing a “peep show” for their horny Hancock Park neighbors but Dad’s all boned up after his “17-hour transatlantic flight” and doesn’t want to waste a second pulling the shades. How ’bout five minutes for a shower?! My own diabolical-genius underwear-model BF is from Australia and trust me, a swarthy guy plus a 17-hour flight equals very smelly balls.

Tranessa does take the time to mention Dad’s son Bad Pitt was “snooping around the garage” while Dad was away. Dad pauses the dry-humping to say that BP was probably just trying to see his klutzy baby half-brother Noah. T says she shooed BP away with the restraining order. Dad asks if BP mentioned what he wanted. No, and now T is sorry she brought it up– let’s go upstairs and bang. Dad says to go ahead– he’ll join her in a minute. She goes and he walks out to the driveway and checks his sports car’s “secret” compartment. Syd’s blood-crusted gold necklace Dad was hiding there is gone! Dad is furious, since you have to be pretty fuckin retarded to be outsmarted by BP.

Bad Pitt’s apt. BP stares at the necklace, still encased in a Zip-Loc bag. He tosses it into a drawer, because if a world-renowned heart surgeon has never heard of a safety-deposit box, BP certainly hasn’t either. He takes a sip of his rum and Tab and looks vaguely disturbed. And vague. MAIN TITLE.

“Remember, ix-nay on the Ommylee- tay.”

PR company, next morning. Cru-Ella meets Junoh at the door, reminding him and us she’s still bisexual and presently on very thin ice with her idol, Big Boss Lady Amanda. J wants to establish “professional boundaries” with Cru, who promises not to “molest” him at work just as Amanda appears. Cru introduces J as a brilliant future client who’s just taken a day job at the company. A rebuffs J’s handshake offer and snips that he needs to sign a confidentiality agreement. Don’t worry, J’s the most honest person Cru knows. Coming from Cru, that’s not saying much, A snaps. With barbs this razor-sharp, no wonder my fingers are bleeding all over the keyboard. (Actually, I’m chewing on them to stay awake.)

Junoh & Smiley’s apt. Smiley does housework, watches a cooking show, has a snack, then heads out for a jog. She opens the door to find Ashlee Simpson squatting over the welcome mat. No, the scrawny red-headed psycho’s breakfast of Red Bull and laxatives isn’t kicking in… AS was about to slip the bail money S loaned her under the door. S thanks her– money’s tight right now and S & J didn’t know if AS was “on speaking terms” with them. Why, because “what you did to Angrie was so completely wrong?!” AS asks.

Smiley defends ratting Angrie out to the cops– S was afraid of getting in legal trouble for withholding Angrie’s Mexican “surfing trip” whereabouts. Plus Angrie was acting “really weird” on the phone and IM, like he knew “someone was after him”. AS pouts that a real friend would never do what S did. S says if A’s innocent, he has nothing to worry about. AS tells her that “innocent people get arrested all the time”– AS ought to know. She should also know how to act before accepting series regular roles and how to sing before performing on live TV, but what can ya do. AS wonders how S sleeps at night. Probably with J’s cuddly penis nestled right under her smokin heart-shaped ass, I’m guessing.

“I told you it’s REALLY Bronx Mowgli. Here’s the birth certificate. You owe me ten bucks!”

Street. Bad Pitt zooms along in his Porsche, obeying the hands-free cell phone law by using a headset to inform a detective BP’s on the way in to see him. Suddenly, a silver Mercedes cuts BP off and blocks his way. It’s Dad, madder than a gallina mojada at BP’s sneaky shenanigans. “Reaching out to Noah wasn’t brotherly love,” Dad snarls. “It was just your sick attempt to destroy my family!” Dad floridly accuses. Dad knows BP pilfered something from Dad’s car. This is not a game! No duh, BP replies. It’s way serious, and Dad better get “your affairs in order” because Dad’s about to be thrown in prison for a long, long time.

Dad tries a new tack and tells him that BP’s pal and Dad’s intern Whoren might be “crumbling” under the pressure of med school. BP is disgusted that Dad would trash “an innocent woman’s career” to save his own brilliant evil ass. I’ve done a lot worse, Dad scoffs. It’s true– we just almost saw him shove his wife’s square-jawed face right into his unshowered Sicilian taint. Dad stomps back to his Benz as BP stares deeply, blankly into space.

Dad’s mansion. Dad returns home to find Amanda in his backyard, tottering toward him on ridiculous porn-queen heels. I don’t know what their history was on the original series and am too depressed to check. They seem perfectly civil to each other and considering Dad’s sex partners this series have included creepy Ashlee Simpson, tight-faced Sydney and post-op Tranessa, despite her advanced-in-CW-Years age, Amanda wouldn’t be a step down. A congratulates Dad on the over-the-top pad and credits “seeing old friends” as a reason for relocating to L.A., along with the “major triage” needed at her PR company.

“I swear it’s true… Andrew Shue just waited on me at PF Chang’s.”

Dad takes care of some historical housekeeping by wondering why A would leave behind a tropical paradise for the ratrace. A claims she was “bored with the sun, sand and Peter“, by which she either means a person I’ve never heard of or penis in general. A is “a city girl… I need to be in the center of the action… like Sydney.” Nice segue! Dad must’ve been super-devastated when the boozy cougar bit the dust. Oh, yeah, it was “a total shock”, Dad deadpans. A may be on to him, since she replies “Oh, really? I mean when she told me you two had reignited that old flame, I thought she’d really gone off the deep end.” Wait for it… “I didn’t think that she’d actually end up floating face down in it.” Dad didn’t realize A and Syd were in touch– did they meet at a support group for gals who’ve faked their own deaths?

A mercifully cuts to the chase, telling Dad she’s looking for an item A loaned Syd that has “sentimental value”. Dad is dubious that A has warm feelings for anything. Doesn’t Dad think A could have changed after all these many, many, MANY years? Dad says people like him and A “are who we are.” Well, did Syd “mention anything” to Dad? A hasn’t even said what she’s looking for, but Dad blows her off, advising her to check with Syd’s sister Jane. A already tried that and Jane was “clueless as usual”. A should’ve come to Dad first, she says, since “Syd had a habit of confiding in passionate hearts.” God, this dialogue. Dad snarkily suggests A talk to Bad Pitt, who was VERY close to Syd right before she died. BP lives in West Hollywood and A should know the address.

Coal. Ashlee Simpson is practicing mixology behind the bar when a cute regular-dude-type named Levi (but not Levi Johnston, who I was sort of crushing on until he betrayed all the gays–and the three women–who read Playgirl by pussying out and not revealing his big Alaskan spawning salmon in an upcoming issue) shows up to see her. It’s hard to tell from AS’s actressing, but I think she’s supposed to be unpleasantly stunned to see this kid. She asks what he’s doing here, and he says he was worried about her– he told “Mom and Dad” she was probably fine, but she never called so he wanted to see for himself. And how did he know she worked at Coal? Twitter. He probably had a hard time finding the place, since, as recent location footage showed, it’s the only Hollywood hot-spot located in Santa Monica.

“Oh, my God. I left the baby on Pete’s tour bus!”

Levi thought the tweet was a secret message so he could find her, since she’s “always clever like that”. Clever? This broad? Por favor. Ashlee Simpson says he shouldn’t have “come down here” from Oregon. Why, he wants to know. Did AS find her “birth mom” and is now enjoying her Beverly Hills lifestyle? AS tensely replies that “right after” finding her real mom (Syd), she was brutally murdered. Aw, sorry about that. Now you know why I disappeared, AS says. Levi tells her “Dad was pissed about the money you stole”, but since Levi paid it all back, things are cool and AS can come home. What about us, he asks, shooting her a meaningful, quasi-incesty look while taking her hand. Things are different… I’m different, AS says. OK, sure, see ya, Levi tells her, disappointed. He walks off as AS looks vague and disturbed.

PR company. Cru-Ella pops into Junoh’s sleek, light-blinky office, where he tells her how amazing their tech set-up is, what with sophisticated video-conferencing and “snooping tools” “that would freak Dick Cheney out.” Cru’s eyes gleam with a scheme, and she asks J if he’d be able to collect all the company emails that mention her name. J is of course taken aback by this “hypothetical” request, being super-honest and all, but Cru says Amanda was gunning for her before A even arrived. But I signed a confidentiality contract, J whines. Cru reminds him that this may be a day job to him, but it’s Cru’s “entire career”.

J reminds her that if he was “wired to bend the rules” he’d have accepted sleazy Super-Producer Malibastard‘s hush money in the pilot. Remember how infuriatingly lame THAT was? Cru says she has exactly one skill, spinning stories– “I’ve been doing it since I was in pigtails.” Cru reveals that she told her schoolmates her mom was “a high-flying stewardess“, when in reality she was just high… on dolls. (That’s pills, for those of you who haven’t read the best chick-lit classic of all time, Valley of the Dolls.) Cru just wanted to be a normal, likeable girl. J had no idea. Cru says she doesn’t ask J for much, but she needs his help now to keep her job.

“Don’t get uptight. It’s just more accurate rectally.”

Hospital. Bad Pitt shows up to speak to Whoren. Has she done anything to potentially get herself fired? Because Dad and BP are having issues and it could affect his treatment of W. W insists that whatever might be going on with BP & Dad, at work Dad’s completely professional and above-board. BP: You don’t know what he’s capable of. W does know– saving lives, that’s what. BP says she has to trust him on this, but W scoffs that BP’s been full of “half-truths and accusations” and she has to get back to work, so hit the bricks, cream-puff. BP warns her that Dad will “have her life under a microscope”, so be careful. OK, fine.

Police station. Sizzling beef fajita Detective Chorizo tells a semi-frantic Bad Pitt that the Sydney murder case is “with the D.A.” now that Angrie’s been arrested. BP says he has “a new piece of evidence”, a necklace he gave Syd that she was wearing the night she was killed. BP found it in Dad’s car and there’s blood on it. Cop-Candy asks if BP had permission to be in that car. No, but– Then it’s the product of an illegal search and inadmissible in court. But it ties Dad to the crime scene and they’re about to put the wrong guy on trial! Cho hushes BP, who shouldn’t be shouting a confession of breaking and entering here at police HQ. BP whines how unfair this is, and Cho tells him if evidence could be legally obtained, Cho would present it to the D.A. Keep your phone on, BP advises, scurrying out.

Hospital. Dad has a question for Whoren “about a patient you treated yesterday”. Why did W prescribe blood-thinners to a cardiac patient about to undergo surgery? Confused, W says no heart procedure was listed on the chart. Yes, there was, Dad snaps. Luckily, the night nurse noticed before dispensing the meds. “That man could’ve bled out on MY operating table!” Dad yells. W is baffled and humiliated.

“I have NO idea how that escort service card ended up in that incision.”

PR company. Cru-Ella asks J if he has “any news” for her. J pouts prettily, then hands Cru a performance evaluation revealing that she’s on Amanda’s radar. Cru reads aloud: Cru “manages relationships very well” but the top brass is still waiting for her “to land a hot young star– artsy German directors just won’t cut it.” Cru is pleased to have a goal– all she has to do is sign better clients. J is relieved and tells Cru he’s “covering my search history” and they won’t speak of this ever again. Cru thanks him and exits. J is about to erase his cyber-tracks when he spies an email on the list, subject “Boomkat Video Director Credit”. Unable to resist, J opens it and sees a note from Cru to ex-boss Gayleb saying it was a “great call” giving the credit to the flaky high-priced director J so brilliantly replaced… and that J “is in the palm of” Cru’s hand. J is deeply disturbed by this. Despite the fact that it says the sneaky move was all Gayleb’s and Cru was clearly just kissing some hot man-ass.

AS’s apt. Ashlee Simpson returns home and is shocked to discover Levi in the kitchenette fixing her leaky faucet. How the hell did he get in? Bathroom window. AS really needs “better security”, so Levi will fix that next. AS orders him to leave. Suddenly all sinister, Levi tells her he has no intention of going back to Oregon “empty-handed”!

Levi says AS was obviously lying when she told him they’d “always be together”. Did she find a new guy? You’re my brother, AS says, which clearly didn’t bother her when she banged him. They’re both adopted, so it’s hardly incest, Levi reminds her, using the classic Woody Allen defense. As long as Mom and Dad don’t find out, what’s the damage? Dazed, AS says she didn’t know what she was talking about. Levi tells her she said being with him would “keep him off meth for good”, allowing him to focus on his “cabinetry” skills. And it worked! I’ll say… if this firm and healthy catalog model is the poster child for crystal meth, kids everywhere will be cooking up the shit. Or they would if anyone besides me was watching this. Which they’re not, or else I would have tons of comments below. Although Uglycutie may be absolutely right– the backlash against me may very well be the reason no one’s watching the show. Viewers in all 50 states as well as Puerto Rico and non-French Canada are quite possibly ignoring MP just so they don’t have to read these recaps. I am truly sorry about that, CW!

“You’re out of aerosol household cleaners. And small paper bags.”

Is Levi using again?! Not as long as he’s with Ashlee Simpson. That’s why he wants to stay and “clean up”– they can count the money he owes her as first month’s rent. It’s a studio apartment with one bed, AS points out, starting to twitch unhingedly. It’ll be just like home, Levi says. LOL. Levi tells her he’s not going anywhere, then moves in for a kiss. AS hilariously begins to spaz out, but they’re interrupted by Smiley. Is everything OK? Everything’s fine, Levi says, unhanding the nutty twig. Did I overhear something about AS owing you money, S wants to know. Levi says the neighbors around here sure are nosey. AS tells S that he’s AS’s brother. Levi says he’ll be taking what he’s owed in rent.

AS stammers that she’ll work extra shifts and pay him in cash, but Levi cuts her off, barking that’s “not how we’re gonna do it!” S reacts to his psycho tone and asks how much AS owes him. AS protests but Levi says $450. S reaches into the envelope AS left her and hands Levi the scratch. Take it and go, S says. Awfully generous of her after AS just blasted S for narc’ing on Angrie. Levi to S: I don’t why you’re helping her… she’s a manipulative bitch. Please leave, S tells him. Levi says he’s not the bad guy here and someday S will figure out the truth about AS. Levi exits in a huff. S asks if AS is okay. AS calls Levi “a total liar” and begs S to keep quiet about the sordid scene– AS “would be mortified if Angrie heard about what happened.”

MP CY. Bad Pitt returns home to find Amanda standing by the pool. Doesn’t BP just love living here, she drawls. Who are you? “An old friend of your father’s and Syd’s. Actually, we all used to live here.” BP asks if there was something “in the chlorine” that made them all “so twisted”. Actually, it was in the scripts and it’s called soap-writing ability. Amanda, who looks filtered in every shot in a valiant attempt to battle the horrors of Hi-Def, counters that “stealing art” is pretty twisted. Insanely dull is more like it. BP plays dumb, but Amanda tells him before Syd’s death, the former fan faves “reconnected” and Syd dished the dirt on BP and possibly much more.

“Oh, Bad Pitt… you remind me of a young Amy Locane.”

Amanda says she gave Syd “a keepsake” which hasn’t shown up in Syd’s stuff. “I’m not a Lost and Found,” BP replies. No, you’re just lost, and if this show’s going to get any better, you need to die a splashy death. Amanda says if BP doesn’t have it, maybe he can help her get it. No way, BP sniffs, not after you walk in and accuse him of art theft. Fine, A replies, threatening to “do whatever it takes to protect the community from thieves like you.” She exits as BP stares blankly at her until his phone buzzes with an IM from Whoren– meet me at the hospital, stat!

Ext. hospital. Whoren meets Bad Pitt outside. There was “an incident” today with a patient’s chart, and she may be at fault, since the paperwork backs up Dad’s accusation. Does BP think Dad would “falsify” medical records? Of course, BP snaps. He killed Syd! whatWhatWHAT??! BP informs W that Dad had a ten-year history with their late landlady and Dad was fucking her weeks before her death. There’s motive, opportunity AND “a piece of evidence linking Dad to the crime scene!” W wants to know why Dad hasn’t been arrested, and BP admits to stealing this evidence. W rolls her eyes skeptically as BP babbles on about the cops’ reluctance to collar someone as rich and upstanding as Dr Dad.

But BP has a plan. He just needs Whoren’s help. W says she’s supposed to take “the word of a thief over a world-renowned cardiologist” and risk trashing her career in the process? BP says Dad’s already doing that for her and the way to risk her career “is by doing nothing!” BP exits in a huff.

“…a shitty blonde actor who got fired after one season, that’s who Amy Locane is!”

PR company. Miffed, Junoh approaches Cru-Ella, demanding to know “how it went down with you and Gayleb and my directing credit.” Cru says they’ve been over this before– she fought Gayleb on it, but he out-ranked her, so J lost out. J says he heard Cru thought “it would be a good idea to throw me under the bus.” He calls her a back-stabbing liar! Cru calmly says “reading that email out of context is totally misleading.” The mislead was all those speeches Cru gave him about having his back, J splutters. Cru says J is a sensitive artist… Of course I’m sensitive, you completely screwed me! J shrieks, on the verge of tears. (We heart you, Michael Rady– you are so much better than these contrived plot “twists”!) Cru becomes upset and says she should have fought harder for J, but her job was at stake.

Is this stupid job all Cru cares about?! No, she was just trying to “position” both her and J for maximum success. Stop it, J yells. He doesn’t believe a word of it anymore! As his agent, manager, publicist, future soul-mate “and so-called friend”, Cru is fired! J is emailing Amanda and quitting this place. And Cru. J exits in a huff as Cru watches, shattered. Seriously. Are we supposed to believe J is that naive and self-centered?! Cru has done amazing things for him and he’s acting like an ungrateful little bitch. Who I would still love to fuck.

Hospital. Whoren approaches Dad for a chat. You’ll hear from me “when I’ve made my decision,” he curtly informs her. It’s about Bad Pitt, W says. “What about my boy?” Dad asks, sounding like HE’s the West Hollywood resident… with a closet full of leather gear. W sits down and spills her guts: When she got her coveted internship, Dad made it clear that he wanted to use her to keep tabs on BP. Well, BP is a habitual thief and he just stole something from Dad’s Mercedes. W is worried BP is “going to get himself killed.” Dad asks if BP mentioned what he took from the car.

“No, I don’t want a free ‘mammogram’. Put the nip clamps away.”

Yes, a necklace, W says, even though I am 90% sure BP never specified what the mystery “piece of evidence” was. W apparently learned quite a lot off-camera, since she says BP swiped the DNA-stained bauble to get back at Dad for the restraining order keeping BP away from spoiled brat Noah. BP is trying to convince me you’re “some kind of monster”, W stupidly tells Dad, who wants to know if BP still has the “family heirloom” necklace. It’s in his apartment, W blabs. Dad prickishly assumes that W revealed this info to better her chances at avoiding “dismissal”. W says yes, but she’s genuinely worried about BP. “I can’t ignore his dark side anymore,” she sighs. W has a a date with BP tonight and she wants to say something to him, but she also thinks it would help if Dad reached out to his wayward “boy”. I’ll get into it immediately, Dad promises. He sends W away and looks vaguely disturbed. W is an idiot.

PR company. Cru-Ella nervously approaches Amanda and asks if A has “heard from the new IT guy.” Bored, A says Junoh emailed her “quite a confessional”, which A couldn’t care less about. Relieved that J only quit by claiming he was too bus for the job and didn’t reveal that Cru asked him to leak confidential emails, Cru assures A that HR is working on a replacement for J. A cuntily advises Cru to not “stick your neck out for anyone this time”. Oh, and “word in the bullpen” is that Cru spent the day “calling every manager and agent in town” looking for PR clients. A’s computer is set up to inform her when anyone accesses her files. She knows what Cru and J did.

Cru is surprised A isn’t firing her. A says Cru is obviously “cut-throat” and not above using her friends to get ahead, and A likes that in a blonde nemesis/protegee. But if Cru tries this again, she’s finished at the company and A will see Cru is blacklisted in Hollywood. Cru will be handing out dinner theatre fliers in Branson if she pisses A off again. Unnerved, Cru thanks A, who tells Cru now that A knows what Cru’s capable of, A is looking forward to seeing just how ruthlessly effective Cru can be. A walks off. “Oh, my God,” Cru says to herself, deeply disturbed.

“NFW! You were Drew Barrymore’s mom in Firestarter!”

J & S’s apt. Smiley returns home to find a note from Junoh. He had a terrible day and is at happy hour with Travis, his shlubby wedding video assistant. Suddenly, the door bangs open and Levi enters. The dangerously unhinged incest fan demands to know who this Angrie is. He eavesdropped on S and Ashlee Simpson’s conversation and wants S to tell him if AS is banging this Angrie. He’s our neighbor, S blurts, terrified and shocked that something’s actually happening on this tired show. If I wait around long enough will this Angrie come sniffing around AS’s door?! Levi growls.

What do you care, you’re her brother, S squeals. Adopted brother, Levi grunts, making it clear their relationship is deeply icky. S insists that AS is banging no one and that Angrie’s just a troubled pal. Levi has his money– just go. If S isn’t telling the truth, Levi will make her “pay for it”. As S watches in horror, Levi runs to Junoh’s desk and starts shoving shit onto the floor. He picks up J’s camera and S pleads with him to put it down, it’s not hers. Now it’s mine, Levi snarls. Suddenly Ashlee Simpson is there, wielding a baseball bat. She orders him to drop the camera or she’s calling the police. Fine, he says, flinging it to the floor, lenses shattering, expensive parts flying off. Red-eyed Levi says he’s gotten in enough trouble because of AS already, then bolts from the apartment. S rushes to the ruined camera, devastated as AS stares at S and the mess with a look so vacant and devoid of all acting ability I wish I was the one who’d given AS her pink slip.

“I need to see the producers.”

“I feel so bad,” AS says. S way-too-nicely tells her it’s not AS’s fault; S is just sorry AS “had to grow up like that.” AS insists everything Levi said was a lie. OMG, says Junoh, who’s just entered. My camera! AS says it’s not S’s fault, S tells AS it’s okay, AS exits. J wants to know what the hell happened and S says she “sort of got between AS and her brother.” J reminds S that every time she gets involved with AS something bad happens. S says AS was in trouble– what was I supposed to do? Run, J snips. Now his videography business has officially shit the bed. S insists that they’ll “get it all back”– she promises! At least J still has his PR IT job.

Junoh tells her she won’t be surprised to hear Cru-Ella can’t be trusted so J quit. S says but Cru has always been hugely supportive of J. Now J is done with Cru, he tells her.

Bad Pitt’s apt. Wearing black gloves like the killer in an Italian giallo shocker (for a much higher level of trashy entertainment, pick up Blood & Black Lace, Deep Red or What Have You Done To Solange on DVD and get back to me), Dad rifles through BP’s things in search of the bloodstained necklace. He opens the desk drawer and there it is, right where BP stupidly stashed it. He shoves it in his jacket pocket, then freezes– Detective Chorizo has a gun pointed at him. And he has back-up. Dad calmly informs them he has his son’s permission to be here. Uh-uh, Cho says. BP’s the one who tipped them off. He pats Dad down and retrieves the elusive prize, still conveniently encased in plastic. That’s not mine, Dad says. Then whose is it? Cho asks. No answer. Cho cuffs Dad and starts to Mirandize him.

“You and that sweet hairy caboose are gonna be REAL popular at San Quentin, mijo!”

MP CY, next morning. Whoren & Bad Pitt are canoodling by the patio bar. W says she knows it sounds stupid, but Dad was “a hero to me.” BP assures her that’s not stupid, even if it totally is. Dad has spent a lifetime deceiving people, but W can trust BP, and that would mean a lot to BP. W says finding out the truth about Dad makes it easier for her to understand BP. They kiss but are interrupted by a mildly grossed-out Cru-Ella. She came out in response to a text from BP, who obviously alerted the other Place-Holders, since Ashlee Simpson, Smiley & Junoh also appear.

BP has an announcement: Last night the cops arrested Syd’s real killer– Dad. Now it’s only a matter of time before their dear hunky friend Angrie (who was freed on bail but is nowhere to be seen due to budget restrictions) is exonerated. They toast “justice” with sunrise tequila shots. Just then, Amanda walks in and asks them to pour her one. Cru & BP are not happy to see Amanda, but she’s not staying. She’s going back to NY but will be back soon to move into “the penthouse while my Bel-Air home is being built.” Her buddy, building owner Jane, said it was okay. Amanda says she’s “missed this place” and can’t wait to start ruining each and every one of their lives. Except Ashlee Simpson, who, if the tabloids are to be believed, Heather Locklear demanded be written off the show. Salud!