Melrose Place: Ocean: Child Abuse Circle

Hi Gasmii–

Well, its official– the drama generated by my Real Housewives of Atlanta recap artistry is way juicier than 98% of what’s going on at Melrose Place. I don’t wanna bore you with THAT recap, so let’s just say feelings were hurt, threats were made, and whiny little bitches were out in full force. (Not you, chickadee2586. We cool.) Gasmi Renata was spunky enough to come to my defense, pointing out for a website dedicated to snark, sarcasm and irreverence, an alarming minority of readers seem to have no sense of humor. At all.

That’s why you, MP Gasmii, to put it in Smiley‘s terms, are my good class. My post-lunch study hall. You come in, you read quietly, you cause absolutely no trouble. It’s true sometimes I’m in the mood for more chit-chat, particularly when I’ve had an Appalachian Speedball– Diet Mountain Dew and two Xanaxes– but you certainly don’t think I’m a lazy, defensive, racist, psychotic evil bitch. Or if you do, you’re kind enough to keep it to yourselves.

In case you have a life, Ashlee Simpson & Angrie have been fired and will be written out very soon. Start those online petitions now! Here are some pictures that make last week’s MP look much more appetizing than it actually was:

Trick pad. Champagne on ice, naked bodies under sheets, Whoren next to some guy we’ve never seen before, staring glumly at the wall– it must be another Adventure in Hooking! The Trick tells her she was “incredible”, and W politely reciprocates. The guy is hairless, super-buff, mid-30′s, kinda Justin Kirk-from-Weeds-looking… in other words most of us would fuck him for free. If this show wasn’t trying to glamorize prostitution (which as an ex-teen model I’m totally okay with), they’d MUCH more realistically have her in bed with guys who look more like James Gandolfini. And stay off my ass, Bears. As much as you insist flabby, fur-covered backs are hot, you’ll never convince us.

Trick is sad Whoren has to go, but he only booked two hours. He offers her a K-note to stay till sun-up. “I’m all yours,” she half-heartedly purrs.

Junoh & Smiley‘s bedroom. The clock says 2:42 AM, the huge space between their back-to-backs says their nauseatingly cute relationship is in big-turd trouble.

“Jess… call Daddy and your lawyers! I think the show wants a divorce.”

Ashlee Simpson’s apt. AS stares at a Superior Court summons for her resisting arrest trial/hearing.

Whoren’s car, sunrise. W gets in, pulls back her sex-hair and wriggles into scrubs.

MP courtyard. Bad Pitt emerges from his apartment, on a one-way call. He confirms that “they’re not gonna be home all day” and that they’ve done this before so there won’t be any problems, then runs into Whoren entering the CY. BP hangs up and asks her if “Dad stuck you with the graveyard shift again”. Yes, and where’s BP off to? Hugo’s for “waffles and eggs”. Not only can he not act, everyone knows the best things to get for breakfast there are the chilaquiles or the Pasta Pappa. He exits as Cru-Ella appears, smirkliy asking about W’s “long night of making people feel better”. W doesn’t take the bait and rattles off the medical emergencies she attended to. Now she has 90m of “uninterrupted sleep” before Dad wants her back “for rounds”. Cru sincerely tells W to “take care of yourself”.

“No, it’s a Vicodin bottle. I’m Heather Locklear, get it? Happy Halloween!”

Junoh & Smiley’s apt. J & S prepare their breakfasts in silence until J asks why she’s not at school. Parent conferences today, she doesn’t need to go in early. She asks if he’s going to “work on your treatment” for Sex-Bomb Development Slut. Probably. “Where are we?” S asks. No idea, J says. S reminds him and us that they’re “supposed to be engaged” but kissing other people. J says he’s thinking of a solo hiking trip to Joshua Tree. Dismayed, S says she’d like them to take a trip together.

Suddenly, there’s a ruckus outside. J & S go and find Detective Chorizo supervising a shitload of cops. Do J & S know where Angrie is? No, why? They found a knife with A’s blood on it and he’s wanted for murder! MAIN TITLE.

PR company. Cru-Ella enters boss Gayleb‘s office to find him tossing around a football, which makes sense since he’s the least believable gay since Patrick Swayze in To Wong Foo. G tells her to cancel her lunch plans– “corporate” has ordered a video conference to update them on G’s progress taking over the L.A. branch. Cru is flattered he wants her to join him, but instead he tells her to take his lunch meeting with Franz Kepler, a German art-film tyro. Franz is about to transition from “indecipherable indies” to a Bruckheimer blockbuster, so Cru must convince him he needs the firm to promote him. Cru says she hates his movies and speaks no German, but G wants to tell his bosses he’s signing Franz as a client. Make it happen. Don’t get your jock in a knot, I’m on it, Cru says.

“Hey, she-male! Your mustache tickles!”

Dad’s mansion. Dad and Tranny Wife Vanessa walk out to their cars together. Tranessa asks if Dad is sure he knows “where it is”. Yes, he has it written down. 1:00, right? Dad asks distracted by an incoming call from Ashlee Simpson. Dad doesn’t pick up as Tranessa tells him it’s Pasadena Tile on Colorado Avenue. Their young son Noah toddles after them, a nanny in hot pursuit. Noah wants a kiss, from Mommy, not Dad. She gives the tyke a peck, then she and Dad take off in separate vehicles, not noticing Bad Pitt parked nearby.

BP walks up the driveway and says hi to the nanny. She doesn’t “feel good about this”, but BP assures her he’ll have the tot back “in a couple of hours”. Noah’s happy to see BP and is excited about their “adventure”. BP tells nanny no one will find out, then leaves with the kid. Because 6-year-olds are so good at keeping secrets. Just ask all those arch-dioceses settling multi-million-dollar molestation lawsuits.

Junoh & Smiley’s apt. J says a murder weapon with your blood AND the victim’s means guilty. S disagrees–Angrie’s not capable of murder. J reminds her A told her he once “stabbed a guy in a bar fight”. That was self-defense, and besides J can’t be objective about the guy who kissed her. Well it’s rather strange that A happened to vanish right at the same time they found the knife. A goes on “surfing trips” all the time; she saw him loading up his board earlier. How does S know A’s on “a trip” and not just at the beach, J asks accusingly. Does she know something she should be telling the cops?! J reminds her “aiding and abetting a fugitive” is also a crime.

“…and then wiggle it back and forth a few minutes, remember? Jesus, it’s ass-play, not rocket science!”

S says she “knows Angrie” and he can’t be guilty. J, jealousy bubbling, asks “how well she REALLY knows” the accused. A phone bleeps with a text for J from Cru, who needs him at her office ASAP. S is miffed that J is racing out the door to help Cru. J says he and S talked about “spending some time apart”, so why not start now? J exits as S pouts.

Santa Monica Pier. Bad Pitt tells Noah they’re going on every ride there. Why can’t they do this every day, Noah whines. That’s complicated, bud, BP sayszzzzzzzzzzzzz….

PR company. Cru-Ella greets Junoh and says she needs a crash course in German cinema so she can woo a prospective client. J says that’s no emergency, unlike what’s going on at MP. Cru is horrified to learn the cops raided A’s place after discovering his blood on the murder weapon. J says A has disappeared, like “every innocent person does”. J briefly vents about S’s “obsession” championing A, then asks Cru what’s up with the German. J is blown away to hear they’re lunching at Coal with Franz Kepler. The Cannes prize-winner has “totally revitalized European cinema!” J squeals.

“Ass-play, huh? What size strap-on we talkin’ about?”

Cru says J will pose as her new junior publicist and blather on about Franz’s films while she gives the artiste the hard sell. J is worried about not knowing a damn thing about PR, but Cru thinks he’ll be great.

Hospital. Dad and his interns gather ’round a heart patient. Whoren is spacing out when Dad calls on her and she can’t specify the complications the patient’s condition might cause. Another young lady-doctor-in-training pops up with the correct answer. Dad dismisses everyone except W. Has she been studying? Of course. W promised Dad she could “handle the grind”, but if she can’t cut it, there’s a huge list of students who’d kill for her spot. Don’t blow it, Dad advises her with unconscious irony.

Dad enters his office and is horrified to find the sex tape Ashlee Simpson made of them playing on his desktop. AS appears. She needs “one more little favor”.

Um, “LOVE” is a little strong…

Dad shuts the door and hisses that their “agreement” is that he sends AS “your weekly payments” and she stays away from Dad & Family. AS says she had to come in person since Dad won’t return her calls. “Your sick little game is starting to piss me off”, he says. AS says she’s grateful for the scratch– she bought some bitchen new furniture. Dad pulls out his checkbook– how much more does she want? No– what she wants is a lawyer. AS explains that the cops came after her about some stupid minor thing she did in Oregon and now they’re charging her with resisting arrest– whatEVer… but a high-powered doctor like Dad must know some high-powered attorneys.

Dad can’t believe his blackmailer expects him to hire legal counsel for her. “People like you” don’t get away with these shenanigans, Dad warns her. You should know, AS snips. The court date’s December 11, so either hook me up or I send your wife our fuck-vid, AS threatens.

Coal. Cru-Ella & Junoh enter and spot hunky Aryan auteur Franz (Craig Young, who played a meth-dealing hairdresser on my all-time fave soap, MTV‘s deliciously twisted Spyder Games in 2001– Word up, CW– find out if THOSE writers are available and hire them to fix this thing NOW!). Cru warns J to control the drool and remember he’s a publicist, “not a fan-boy”. Cru introduces herself and Franz is the one drooling– Gayleb didn’t mention what a hot little fraulein she was. Thanks, this is my associate, Junoh, one of your biggest fans. J says Franz’s flick Das Lied is one of the top thrillers of all time! Franz politely brushes him off and immediately begins cheesily hitting on Cru, putting his hand on hers and actually walking his fingers up her forearm.

“You vould be perfekt fur mein remake of ILSA–SHE-VOLF OF ZE SS!”

Ever-gallant, J reveals that not only is Cru the best PR flack in town, she’s also his fiancee. I personally thought she’d stab J’s balls with a fork for jeopardizing the deal, but Cru seems grateful for the out, and snuggles with J before getting down to business. Franz seems disappointed but definitely not put off…

MP CY. Smiley & Ashlee Simpson watch cops scurry around, agreeing that there’s no way Angrie killed Syd. S says the police are obviously desperate. And stupid, AS snips. S says she needs to talk to AS about Angrie. AS works with him, has she noticed anything off about him? Not really– oh there WAS that brutal beating Angire administered to boss Roccello yesterday, but R totes deserved the broken nose and cracked ribs for taking credit for A’s recipes and generally being a dick. S is horrified, but that’s nothing compared to her shock at learning AS and A fucked last night.

Pier. Bad Pitt and Noah enjoy a carnival montage. Noah is having the bestest time! Noah says he “thinks I saw my house” from a high-altitude ride. BP says he saw the North Pole– Santa Claus was “shoveling his driveway”. “He only comes in winter,” Noah scoffs. Yes, and he lives at the North Pole, snot-nose! OMG, how annoying are kids? Noah sees a rack of cheap plush toys and asks BP to win him one. BP gets a phone call from the nanny checking up on them– BP says they’ll be back on time, then tells Noah to quit climbing up the prize rack. Of course the spoiled brat doesn’t listen and plummets on his back to the boardwalk. Holy shit! BP scoops up the groaning tyke and races off.

Hospital. Bad Pitt barrels in with Noah…

…who lacks the acting ability necessary to quash the smirk on his tiny little face…

…screaming for Whoren. She appears and they take the tot into an exam cubicle. How did this happen? Never mind that, BP says, is he alright? A nurse tries to shoo BP away for not being a legal guardian, but W overrules her. BP says Noah puked in his car on the way here (which would have been awesome to see), but it’s probably from all the junk he ate. Or a concussion, W gravely suggests. She promises to take good care of the little shit and orders “a CT scan”.

BTW, BP tells W, Dad doesn’t know BP “took Noah”. Well he’s about to, W says, they’re paging him now. BP says maybe W should recuse herself to stay out of the mess, but W insists on treating the tot.

AS’s apt. Ashlee Simpson leaves Angrie a voice-mail saying she’s “here for you” and “even though it’s only been 24 hours since” he was deep inside of her, “I miss you.” She clicks off to answer the door to Dad. He’s in top smarm-form as he tells her it wasn’t necessary to find her a lawyer– the judge assigned to her case happens to be married to one of Dad’s quadruple-bypass success stories. AS is so happy to hear this she doesn’t even marvel at the outrageously convenient coincidence.

“Actually you’re being replaced by this box of rocks.”

Not so fast, Dad says, telling AS his character-witness testimony can go either way. Dad can either tell the judge AS is “a poor, disinherited orphan” who deserves leniency, or “a sick and twisted menace to society who should be locked up. Your move!” Fine, AS says, deleting the sex-tape from her phone. Dad says the blackmail ends now and warns her that if “one frame” of it shows up anywhere, he’ll make sure the judge reams her. He cracks a joke about making house calls and exits. WTF?! So what if he’s buddies with the judge– she had a sex tape of him he didn’t want his wife to see!!! She blackmails like Jessica Simpson acts!

Street. Post-lunch, Franz asks how Cru & Junoh met. Cru explains that they were neighbors and that even though J had a GF at the time, when Cru laid eyes on him she knew she had to have him. She gives J a closed-mouth kiss, which he doesn’t resist. Franz says they’ve inspired him to write a romantic comedy. He tells J to hold on tight to Cru– she’s a keeper– and tells Cru he’ll think seriously about having her rep him. Franz gets in his car and takes off as Cru marvels at J’s performance. J says he had to stop Franz “from slipping you the wienerschnitzel before the salad”. Cru giggles that she meant his publicist persona– a “horny director” doesn’t faze her one bit. She thinks J slipped so easily into lover-mode because “secretly it’s what you wanted since the day we met”. J nervously titters that she must be “drunk”, but Cru says them as a couple make total sense.

They’re completely compatible, unlike J & Smiley. Maybe it’s time J “explored other options”. There’s a hotel nearby, so why don’t they clear their schedules and J can see “what you’ve been missing all this time.” J is speechless. And so am I! Michael Rady and Katie Cassidy are clearly the best actors on the show and they have real chemistry, so in this moment the show works PERFECTLY. I won’t even quibble that they’re obviously across the street from the beach in Santa Monica, not Hollywood, where Coal has been established. (The crew was there shooting BP and Li’l Klutz and they must’ve decided to grab this scene, too.) Cut to:

“After this is canceled, we are SO both gonna get work!”

Junoh, miffed, marches down the street away from Cru. Come on, she needles him, he must have “at least fantasized about the idea!” “I’m engaged!” J poutily reminds her. So he gave his “college sweetheart a ring because you’re insecure about your career and you’re hoping she’ll bring you some sense of insecurity?” BFD. J and Smiley are nothing alike, Cru says. J defensively says they’re going through the normal “growing pains” of any couple planning a wedding. Cru says J is a passionate artist seeking adventure and creative fulfillment, while S is “a mellow schoolteacher who’s idea of an exciting night is grading spelling tests”.

J snaps that Cru is way out of line and tells her to never badmouth S again. The only reason J is there with Cru is that S trusts him. That’s why J’s in love with S and wants to spend the rest of his life watching her grade papers. If Cru can’t accept that, it’s Cru’s problem! J exits in a huff.

J & S’s apt. Worried Smiley sends Angrie an IM. What’s he doing in Mexico? “Struggling… I’ve ruined my life.” When she asks what A did, he says he can’t say. S pulls out Det. Chorizo’s card and stares at it, deeply disturbed.

“He’ll be back to being a disobedient little tard in no time!”

Hosipital. Bad Pitt is at Noah’s bedside. Whoren says he’ll be “good as new” soon. Dad and Tranessa rush in. W says not to jostle N– he has a hairline ulna fracture and “a mild concussion”. T tells BP he is “never to come near Noah again– is that clear?” Dad pulls BP aside and threatens to “press charges” next time. BP feels terrible and says he only wanted to spend time with the tyke like a big bro. “I love him,” BP whimpers, softening Dad’s black heart for a moment. BP exits. Dad tells W she did a “good job” patching up the brat.

J & S’s apt. Junoh returns home to find Smiley agonizing over whether to make a call. To warn Angrie, J asks. J understands S’s support of her friend. If S thinks A’s innocent, so does J. J would want S to trust him in if it was J’s pal in trouble, so J will do the same. S says A’s IM’s were “kind of scary”– maybe she doesn’t know the real A. But if he ends up hurting someone else because S stood back and did nothing, she’d never forgive herself. Whatever she decides, J is there for her. S dials a number and asks for Det. Chorizo.

PR company. Gayleb, who apparently has no work of his own to do, reads a football mag as Cru-Ella enters. G says Franz called and is signing with them. He loved Cru, and her BF Junoh. Would this be the same Junoh who worked on the Anton V epk and BoomKat video? Yes. G compliments her on her taste in men– J is charming and talented and totally fuckable. And engaged, Cru adds. J’s not really her BF, he just pretended to save her from “Franz’s groping”. G says if a straight guy poses as your BF, he wants you. Please, he’s so not my type, Cru lies.

“If someone ever requests a Fire-Crotch Threesome, I got your back!”

MP CY. Whoren and Ashlee Simpson enjoy a moonlight dip. AS says making rent is tougher than she thought– would W and Cru be interested in AS becoming their roommate? W says she’s all for it, but Cru won’t like the idea of another person sharing the bathroom. AS understands.

Cru enters from work and finds BP drinking tequila. She tells him and W that the police raided Angrie’s apartment– they want to arrest him for killing Syd. Junoh and Smiley appear hand-in-hand and express their shock at the news. Cru says S “knew Angrie better” than anyone… all those morning jogs together? Who knew S was “running with the devil“. He’s not the devil, S snips. Cru goes to J and apologizes for today. She blames her attempt at “shock value” on the three bottles of Pinot Grigio. J says don’t worry about it.

Dad enters and wants a word with BP.

BP’s apt. Dad says BP’s behavior was “reckless and cost Nanny her job”. BP is sick about the whole thing. Dad says he appreciates that BP wanted to spend time with baby bro. That’s all. Dad exits and BP stares glazedly ahead, perhaps wondering why a personal visit was necessary for this one-sentence declaration. Cut to:

“Do I taste like sweaty Armenian balls?… Just checking.”

MP CY. BP finds W studying and thanks her for her help today. W will make an amazing, caring doctor. W says BP obviously cares about his brother, too. She was surprised to see him so devoted. BP says it’s devotion to other things in his life that’s tough. W says BP is “obviously smart” (LOL) and all he has to do is decide what he wants to do with his life, then apply himself. As long as it’s legal. BP promises his shady activities are a thing of the past– he doesn’t ever want W to look at him with the disgust and deep shame he saw on her face when she caught him casing that mansion. They start to make out, then W pulls away. It’s not him, it’s her, she says, plagued by hooker FLASHCUTS. I’m sorry, she says. BP is, too. He walks away as she weeps.