Melrose Place: Shoreline: Jean Queen Court

Hi Gasmii—

Is this thing on??? Seriously, is ANYONE besides my mother reading this blog? Look how awesome last week was:

But seriously. We should have a contest to make up an episode synopsis based on the strip of pix above. Maybe we could do it each week and there could even be prizes. What do you think, Flipit? Oh, wait, you’re not reading these either. At this point, I’d be happy to get spammed by that dating-site retard Icemayer. I’m kidding. Don’t spam me, shitbird, or you won’t need a Tall Partner because I will break you in half.

Angrie‘s apt. We’re off to a good start as Ashlee Simpson, apparently having broken into hot-headed recovering drunk Angrie’s apartment, fondles his sweaters, snuggles his chef jacket, and writhes around on his bed (which is, rather gayly, made– WTF?!? Unless they have OCD, straight guys do not make beds– am I right, fellow heteros?) She stares at a photo of Angrie with her alleged mother, murdered landlady Sydney, and is about to read a formal-looking card from Syd to Angrie, when AS is caught by petulant vanilla “anti-hero”/anti-actor Bad Pitt. BP wants to know what AS is doing in there. She says Angrie’s “surfing in Cabo“, so she’s picking up his mail and watering his herb garden. In his bedroom? BP asks dubiously. Uh, yeah… she’s looking for the special plant food Angrie told her about.

“Dear Ashlee Simpson, This is to confirm your acceptance of the position of Hostess and Celebrity Grand Marshal of the National Kook-Eyes Telethon and Parade…”

It’s in the kitchen, BP says, rather pissily informing her that BP is the one who usually performs these neighborly duties for the tense muscle stud. “I guess this time he asked me,” AS replies, inviting BP to call Angrie if he doesn’t believe her. Cut to AS in her own apartment, excitedly reading the card she swiped, aloud, for our convenience: “Dear Angrie, You won’t talk to me… won’t let me explain why I fell apart. It’s my ex-husband. I thought this time he’d choose me, but one woman’s never enough for him. Even after 16 years. Michael [Mancini, BP's nefarious swarthy dad] brings out my worst demons. All I can do is numb myself. Love, Sydney” AS is too young to note that Love, Sidney was the name of a groundbreaking NBC sitcom from the late 70′s about a warm-hearted celibate homo (Tony Randall) who opens his swanky NYC apartment to single mom Swoosie Kurtz (who I loved on the trashy 90′s soap Sisters and will soon be seen on the current Lifetime sitcom Rita Rocks, starring the hilarious Nicole Sullivan… I know you can’t believe a Lifetime sitcom could be any good (hello, Sheri), but Rita is really smart and funny and you should check it out if you miss old-school 4-camera live-audience comedies!).

Hospital. BP’s Dad finds his intern Dr Whoren in emergency mode, tending to a teen suffering from a precarious breathing crisis. Nice work, Dad tells Whoren a few minutes later, her “long hours must be paying off”. Dad, who you might recall chose Whoren as his assistant so he can keep tabs on BP, mentions that he hasn’t heard from BP for a while. Whoren says she only sees BP in the courtyard, but will let BP know Dad asked about him. Dad heads off as Whoren gets a call from her pimp Kelly Carlson, who says Whoren will be going to a party tonight, “intimate, elite and very discreet– the client’s gonna love you. He has very sophisticated taste.”

Kelly says Whoren will be working with a group of K’s top girls. W nervously asks if K means each girl will be assigned to a guy, or… If W has “a versatility issue”, K snaps, maybe K should send someone else. No, count me in, W quickly replies, obviously not real into a lesbian group-grope situation, but cash is cash, and what’s a little rug-munching and/or beaver-bumping between friends?

“No, seriously. Your wrist is supposed to hang like this.”

High-rise atelier. Cru-Ella and her boss Gayleb are at top denim designer Anton V‘s. Junoh is shooting a promo video featuring hunky Anton extolling the virtues of his organic non-toxic jeans that are specially designed to flatter any woman’s ass. I doubt there’s an Anton V store in Puerto Rico, since, despite my teenage success as the face and ass of Jesus Jeans, my people tend to prefer the popular Muffin-Top line. Cru asks Gayleb if he’s into Anton. Gayleb says Anton is way too hot, talented and successful to be “mere hook-up material”. G asks how the electronic press kit is coming along just as Anton explodes at Junoh: “No! We have to see the details!” Cru, who obviously hand-picked Junoh for the gig, tells G he can go shmooze his Velvet Mafia (Hollywood Power Gays) pals. She can handle things here.

G tells Cru “keep Anton happy” and find out if he’s dating anybody, then exits. Cru approaches Junoh and reminds him and us of her strategy: “I get you gigs, you exceed all expectations, and we both come off like superstars. Don’t mess with the system.” Junoh apologizes for being unfocused, he was up late revamping his website to improve cash flow. He’s broke and has nothing lined up after the Anton job. Cru wishes she could help, but right now she and Junoh have to concentrate on keeping Anton & Gayleb happy. Junoh scrambles through his bag looking for a lens.

Ashlee Simpson’s apt. AS applies makeup and kills her 5th Diet Red Bull.

Junoh & Smiley‘s apt. Junoh calls Smiley, who’s about to get into a bubble bath after a hard day of getting paint splattered on her by inner-city tots. J has an emergency– he needs Smiley to bring him his “diopter”– he can’t get any extreme close-ups without it. Smiley dutifully complies.

“Remember me, Bad Pitt? I made more of an impression in one scene than you have in five whole episodes?”

Coal. Bad Pitt meets with his super-hot Middle Eastern-American fence. BP has what looks like a decorative light-switch plate to sell. But it’s really a photo of a sculpture by a famous artist swiped from a swanky Santa Monica address. Swarthy Stubbled Fence says high-priced art isn’t really his bag and that BP should speak to SSF’s cousin, Asaam. BP can meet him tonight.

Hospital. Dad enters his office to find Ashlee Simpson there, in short-shorts and a ridiculous hat (possibly swiped from Angrie, who enjoys a hat). She says she went to the ER, but they were backed up, so when she saw Dad’s name by the elevator, she decided to ask for his help. Miffed, Dad tells her this is highly irregular, but AS says he’s Chief Cardiologist and she feels like her heart is “pounding right out of her chest”. As Dad notices what a smokin little fire-crotch she is… MAIN TITLE.

Dad tells AS to “unbutton so I can take a listen.” AS complies, revealing a cute push-up bra. Dad places his stethoscope between her perky bosoms and says her heart rate’s “definitely elevated”, but there’s nothing unusual going on. Does she have a family history of heart disease? Maybe, AS says… she was adopted. Dad wants to run tests, causing AS to quickly tell Dad she’s feeling much better now, thanks. Dad asks if she drinks a lot of caffeine. AS says yes, tons. That must be it, Dad says. “You look like a very healthy young woman.” Since AS doesn’t have insurance, Dad offers to keep this visit “off the books”. AS pertly thanks him, then invites him to Coal, where she’s a bartender. “I bet you pour a mean cocktail,” Dad leers. AS hits him with a steamy kook-eyed stare and says she wants to repay him with a free drink. Dad looks like he’s sporting a fat Sicilian chubby.

“That’s not a lump. It’s a nipple.”

MP courtyard. BP catches Whoren in a backless frilly mini-dress walking out. He’s surprised to see her heading off for some fun– Dad usually works his proteges too hard for that. W says Dad says hey and BP says right back at him. BP asks if W has a date with the same guy from the party in the hills (where W and her trick accidentally ran into Cru and BP). No, it’s someone else. Does W look alright? Sure thing, BP drools. W exits.

Atelier. Anton tells Junoh to get a close-up of a zipper. Junoh stalls, prompting Anton to snip that he doesn’t have time for this. Cru gets a call from Gayleb and tells him everything’s swell, stop obsessing. Smiley enters. Anton tells her it’s a private showroom. Junoh says she’s with him, then thanks S for bringing his equipment bags. S says he can repay her with a shoulder massage. OMG, Smiley… have you SEEN your fiance? How ’bout a fuck, for fuck’s sake! Anton gives Smiley the once-over and is suddenly very interested in her lame schoolteacher problems. Junoh stands by, bemused and super-cuddly, as Anton asks S if she’s into fashion. S says she doesn’t even know what dress she has on– “as long as this pattern hides paint and puke, works for me!”

Cru has had enough and snarkily tells S that “storytime’s over– time for the grownups to get back to work.” Cru asks Anton if he likes live music, because her boss has tickets to the Greek Theatre. Anton doesn’t care– he is stuck on Smiley: she’s “beautiful… she’s grounded, so real.” Cru is dismayed, since she hates S, and is shocked when Anton declares S is perfect for “the face of my new campaign”.

“How do you feel about getting your poop deck swabbed?”

Marina. Whoren and a gaggle of high-class ho’s march onto a yacht. A Red-Headed Call Girl friendlies up to Whoren. It’s Whoren’s “first party” and RHCG advises her to “go with the flow”, and sweetly offers her some drugs to relax while undressing W with her heavily made-up eyes. W wants to know what’s going to happen. “Anything,” says RHCG. Sometimes the guys like to be one-on-one, other times they want to watch the gals lez out on each other. Charmed! “Don’t worry, I’ll look out for you,” RHCG purrs, smacking her lips in anticipation of some spicy Eurasian poon. Thank you, W says, clearly not relishing the prospect of scissoring the night away while a bunch of Cialised-up sleazebags whack it to W’s first girl-girl action.

PR company. Gayleb returns to his office to find Anton and Cru-Ella waiting for him. The boys start to talk basketball, the way gays do, when Cru interrupts to get Gayleb’s input on Anton’s hare-brained Smiley idea. Anton says when he saw S, “something clicked”: he’s been “selling real denim using fake people”. Cru says models are real people, too, but Anton disagrees. He wants to abandon his entire ad campaign in favor of “Real People in Real Denim”. Why he’s telling this to his publicists before his ad agency is anyone’s guess, but Gayleb loves the idea, to Cru’s horror.

Gayleb promises to promote the hell out of the idea and Anton leaves. Cru wants to know if Gay has lost his mind– it’s their job to protect Anton’s image. And letting him saddle himself with Smiley the non-modeling first-grade teacher is a terrible idea! Gay disagrees– he loves the “wholesome teacher” angle and tells Cru to bring Smiley in first thing tomorrow. Again, ad agency… Oh, who gives a shit.

“I recommend the hot cherry pie…”

Coal. Dad enters the super-happening hot-spot and sets his horny, cradle-robbing eyes on Ashlee Simpson working hard behind the bar. She welcomes him with a saucy smirk and asks how many lives he saved today. Three. AS chooses two appetizers from the bar menu for Dad, even though he thinks it’s not really necessary. “You took care of me, I’m going to take care of you,” AS says, her husky-voiced line readings sounding like a stripper auditioning for her first porn movie.

Junoh & Smiley’s apt. The super-cuddly couple discuss how their brokeness will impact their honeymoon… they’ll probably have to trade India for Big Sur. Junoh tries to put a good face on it, but Smiley seems pouty until Cru barges in with champagne and the big news that Anton wants Smiley to model his new line. Smiley says stop mocking me. Cru says she’s dead serious. Smiley– surprise– doesn’t react well: she hates being the center of attention and is terrified of public speaking in front of adults. Um, how often do you see jeans campaign models speak publicly? She is such a douche-nozzle! She is not interested at all until Cru says she’ll earn around $10K for 5 days work.

Junoh is stunned. Smiley still doesn’t say yes, prompting Cru to snort that “it beats handing out juice-boxes at the daycare center”. Smiley informs her she is a school teacher and says this would mean taking a week off. Cru keeps pushing, and Junoh’s chomping at the bit, but he does tell Smiley it’s her choice. She says no. Cru calls her selfish, grabs the champagne (LOL) and stomps out. Junoh looks vaguely disturbed. He really isn’t one to talk since he turned down $100K to write a screenplay for Malibastard in the pilot just because he felt icky about having digital video of the scummy producer dry-humping a teen tramp.

“I can’t believe they let her work with children.”

Yacht. Whoren asks Red-Headed Call Girl who their hosts/johns are tonight. RHCG says it’s a question high-class escorts aren’t supposed to ask. But they run “some kind of imports/exports thing… and I’m pretty sure it’s not legal,” says RHCG (hmmm… sounds like the perfect guys to help Bad Pitt unload pricey paintings. Wouldn’t it be like, SO embarrassing if he ran into Whoren here?), “then again neither is what we do.” RHCG slinks off and W looks vaguely disturbed. The johns greet each other and many of them look vaguely Mid-Eastern, so I’m feeling OK about my theory so far.

And here comes Bad Pitt. No, really. He trots onto the boat with an anxious look on his usually blank face and doesn’t see W staring at him in slack-jawed whore-or. W is trapped on a narrow deck and BP is coming straight for her. She turns her back to him, freaking. Oh, she’s not trapped. She can and does walk into a party room with a huge platter of crustaceans, where she covertly overhears BP asking for Asaam and then sees BP led to a big beefy Persian/Lebanese/ultra-bangable stud. Asaam, whose name may be Hasaan– I honestly can’t tell– invites BP to grab a glass of red and “get to know the girls”. Uh-oh. BP is here to sell stolen priceless decorative light-switch plates. Plus he has all the sexual heat of a nine-year-old Ryan Seacrest.

“Just between you and me,” BP smiles at Hasaamn, “I haven’t ever gone pro.” Maybe he’s talking about acting. Aslan says to consider the pussy a gift, then asks what’s BP’s type. “I have to get off this boat,” Whoren tells RHCG, explaining that BP’s her neighbor and can never know W’s sexy secret. W scampers up some stairs just in time to avoid BP making eyes at RHCG. Instead of pouncing on this opportunity to keep BP away from her new lezbo crush, RHCG follows Whoren and says that if W leaves, pimp Kelly will be super-mad. W says she’ll deal with Kelly, she just needs to disembark pronto. This would be a swell time for them to pull up anchor and head out to sea, huh?

It’s not offensive racial stereotyping if all the Middle Eastern sleazebags are hot.

Well, that’s obviously too suspenseful and titillating for this show, since BP comes up the stairs and RHCG grabs him and starts making out, allowing Whoren to flee the yacht and race up the wharf to safety and a certain scolding by Miss Carlson.

Coal/Dad’s mansion. Speaking of hookers, Ashlee Simpson’s acting like one, doing shots with Dad and keeping up her campy trampy shtick. Dad tries to pay for the primo tequila with his Black AmEx, but AS won’t hear of it. This is her treat. “As long as later you let me take care of you with a very big tip,” Dad flirts back, as his phone rings. It’s his tranny-esque wife Vanessa. She says their kid Noah is “out of control”. His regular nanny is in Ecuador for a week, and the sub can’t handle the off-camera tyke, who shows what a monster he is by bouncing a ball down the staircase where Tranessa is trying to guzzle a glass of wine in peace.

Dad says he put in a call to Larchmont Staffing for “temp sitters” today. AS eavesdrops, her devious little brain spinning into overdrive. Dad tells Tranessa the music she hears is at an Italian restaurant across the street from the hospital. If he’s not in surgery, Dad needs to come home and deal with the brat. Be right there, Dad promises, hanging up. AS is ready with a fizzy red concoction she tells Dad she “invented” just for him: “…The MD, because when you finish it, you’ll need one.” Sounds delish! Dad apologizes but he has to jet. Too bad, he’s had such a good time, he says sexily. AS watches him go as she eats his cherry.

“It’s a new flavor: Tired Bitch Tropicale.”

Junoh & Smiley’s apt. Smiley sits pensively as Junoh enters with some frozen yogurt. S says she just got a message from the property management–J’s rent check bounced. There’s money in the account, he tells her. He just deposited a check from “the Weissberg bris”. Just what every boy wants, a video record of their genital mutilation! Don’t get me wrong. Gasmii. I love our Jewish friends, and indeed HAVE loved more than a few, but there are thousands of nerve endings in the foreskin just for pleasure, so think about that before blindly submitting to some archaic pointless ritual that will rob an innocent young penis of so much fun. S asks J if he wants to cuddle while watching The Princess Bride, a film which is almost as painful as getting your genitals hacked at by some creepy stranger. J demurs, claiming he must finish Anton’s video for tomorrow. He looks like he might want to whack some sense into Smiley for turning down the cash, but the silly cow can’t connect Bankruptcy Dot A with $10K Modeling Gig B.

Dad’s Mercedes. Dad is about to drive off, when Ashlee Simpson knocks on his window. Leaning in as she thrusts her pert rear out into the alley, AS says it’s her bar-tending responsibility to make sure Dad’s “okay to drive”. Dad says he could use some “fresh air” and gets out of the car. AS kvells over the fancy vertical car door, then helpfully backs up against it, all the better to let Dad make out with and dry-hump her against the car. Uncontrollably aroused by this barely legal nookie, Dad opens the hatch, shoves her onto the seat, and starts pap-smearing her the hard way, as AS covertly grabs her phone from her purse.

Yacht. BP asks if Hasbro can line up a buyer for “the sculpture”. Forget the statue, Ashram says. He wants to discuss an Egyptian antiquity worth $2.2 million that recently came into town and is now ensconced at a home in Bel Air. Since his cousin told Hansel BP was “the best” (what, exactly? not actor, that’s for damn sure), he wants to broker a deal. Sorry, BP works alone. Asahi isn’t used to being turned down. Nothing personal, but too many things can go wrong, BP says. Hyacinth gets miffed– BP showed up tonight, enjoyed his food, ate his women, and now he’s refusing this wonderful business opportunity? BP gets up to go, but he’s blocked by Australasian and his swarthy goons. BP shoves Hasenpfeffer and gets punched in the face. BP tries to fight back, but is tossed to the deck and heartily pummeled.

“They beat the charisma out of me!”

MP courtyard. Whoren exits her apartment in scrubs for the nightshift and discovers BP staggering around, bloody and beaten. What happened?! BP says he borrowed a motorbike and “spun it out”. Whoren says he might have internal bleeding and a concussion and needs to go to the hospital. BP says he’ll sleep it off, but Whoren won’t hear of it. She’s taking him with her.

Junoh & Smiley’s apt., next morning. Smiley returns from a run to find Junoh with a $5500 wad of cash and a strange dude who’s just bought Junoh’s beloved camera. Junoh said he put it on Craigslist last night. The dude tries to leave, but Smiley grabs the camera and says it’s not for sale. She says sorry and hands the dude back his cash. He storms off, leaving Junoh to unconvincingly explain to her that he was just selling his “almost a year old” camera so he can upgrade. She doesn’t believe him, so he’s forced to admit he has no money– people are cutting back and recording things themselves, and when he does book jobs, it’s at slashed rates. He says he’s been trying to be a responsible fiance with steady income but it’s not working out as planned. Smiley says she’s not marrying him for money, and if he has a problem, he should always tell her. They will work this out– together. She gives him a kiss as we try not to heave (at her… Michael Rady as Junoh is as adorable as ever, even spouting these thankless lines.)

PR company. Cru-Ella enters to find Gayleb waiting for her, miffed as can be about Smiley turning down the Anton offer. Gayleb bitchily informs Cru that since Smiley turned HER down, she gets to tell Anton, who’s been bombarding Gayleb with plans for his new real-gal model. Cru, ever driven, assures Gayleb she has feelers out to several incredible “real people” who’d be perfect for the campaign, and who can make Anton “forget about that boring public school teacher.” Who happens to be standing right behind her. Smiley has arrived to accept the gig. Cru beams smugly at Gayleb.

“My diagnosis? This extra is acting circles around you. And so is the wheelchair.”

Hospital. Dad is shocked to see roughed up Bad Pitt sitting in an exam cubicle. “I tripped,” BP grunts, but Dad thinks he must’ve gotten caught “going after another painting”. Whoren appears with a hot orderly extra and a wheelchair. W has ordered X-rays and orders BP into the chair. He stubbornly insists on hobbling. Dad tells W he expects “full disclosure” from his team members. W says she found BP like that last night and he wouldn’t tell her anything. When he does, Dad commands her to spill all. W nods, chastened, as Dad fakes fatherly concern.

Atelier. Anton is pinning white jeans on Smiley and thanking Cru for bringing him “the perfect girl”. Cru kisses up– all C wants is to make Anton happy. Junoh pops over with the EPK. Smiley turns around, revealing her taut tan tummy above the low-rise pants and the ridiculous Siberian Husky vest Anton’s swathed her in. OMG, Junoh gasps, to Cru’s annoyance. Cru excuses herself, as Smiley explains that after “soul-searching” and practice-posing, she decided to go for it. She’ll get a colleague to cover her class. Junoh wants to be sure Smiley’s really truly into this. “This is our life, and it’s real,” she says, assuring him with tired sincerity that they’re “in this together”. What a saint. Junoh says he’s determined to drum up more vid business for himself, but Smiley says not to worry, his big movie break will come soon! Just never hide things from her, because she can handle it, darn it! They kiss.

Gayleb arrives to tell Anton he has Bravo, Lifetime and The Style Network on the hook. Anton gratefully invites him out to celebrate with steak tartare and implied rimming.

“Are we having a picnic? ‘Cuz that’s one full basket.”

Hospital. Whoren looks at Bad Pitt’s X-rays. She knows what motorcycle crash victims look like and clearly BP’s lying. So spill it, blondie. He petulantly refuses. She says he has a broken rib and she needs to provide proper care. BP confesses he got in a fight during “an ugly situation”– not everyone can be acing exams and prancing around saving lives like W. She looks away with a rueful smirk, the irony too hard to bear. She’ll be right back to tape up the rib.

Whoren speaks to Kelly, apologizing for running off the boat. But her neighbor was on the yacht. Kelly gets it, she ran into her roommate while slutting it up at a hotel once. But Kelly walked up to her pal, informed her she was on a date, then finished her job “because I’m not a quitter”. W takes offense, but Kelly is willing to give her one chance. “But I never forget a debt,” Kelly ominously tells her. W looks vaguely disturbed.

Dad’s mansion. Dad returns home to be greeted by Tranessa bearing cocktails. He wants to know where their brat is. Over there with the new babysitter applicant. The gal just registered with the agency today but looks like a great choice. Dad, unlike us, is shocked to see Ashlee Simpson! He angrily hustles her outside, where she tells him to relax– she’s not after the nanny gig. She says she could tell by the way Dad eyed her in his office that “he was his own worst enemy. My mother was right.” Excuse me?! AS says when she found her birth mother, Mom was a mess, thanks to you. Dad is the reason AS never got to know her mother, Sydney Andrews.

“OMG, look at this discussion thread! Fall Out Boy has the meanest fans…”

Dad says he knows AS mustn’t think he’s her father, so what does she want? AS shows him a movie of their backseat boink session on her phone, telling him Syd was trying to get better, but Dad wouldn’t let her. “And now you’re gonna pay.”

THE END! I’m going to roll this up, shove it in a bottle, and toss.

Besos mojados,

LLB