Melrose Place: Windsor: Emotional Friend Lane

Hi Gasmii– Let me begin by thanking you for all the sweet comments proving I am not doing this blog merely to entertain Flipit– not that that isn’t a perfectly appropriate goal unto itself.

All I can say is I wish the show was juicier, more fun and had more interesting actors & characters. At least it’s better than Desperate Housewives, right? Then again, what isn’t? Oh, that’s right. The new 90210.

Junoh & Smiley‘s apt. Smiley practices posing in front of the mirror, obviously having brushed up on the first season of RuPaul’s Drag Race. Sashay, chantez! We hear the click of a camera– Junoh’s taking pictures as he half-jokingly spouts modeling-shoot bromides in a Eurotrash accent. Smiley is worried she looks tired. She didn’t get any sleep last night because the actual Anton Denim shoot is today. “Your smile could melt the polar ice caps,” Junoh assures her. Well, she still feels guilty about telling her class of inner-city tots that she has “a case of the sniffles”. Yes, she should– that’ll probably make the little slum-dwellers think she’s a cokehead. Junoh says a little white lie is forgivable since it means she’ll be paid $10K for the campaign.

Smiley asks isn’t Junoh’s “big meeting at Paramount” today? Yup. Isn’t he anxious? Yup. “I’m about to have a sit-down with a guy whose films have grossed over a BILLION dollars.” Wouldn’t it be great if it was Steven Seagal? Instead it’s someone named Andrew Misher. Does Smiley realize how huge it’d be for Andrew to turn Junoh’s short into a feature? Actually, yes. Even she’s not that stupid. But her dialogue sure is! “Just for the record, I don’t need to see your name in the credits to know that I’m marrying the perfect guy!” And I don’t need to see the email from some CW executive ordering the writers to ram down the audience’s throat that Smiley loves him as a person. “They’re our relatable, anchor couple!” Anchor my twat. I’m so sorry. I have no idea where that came from.

Junoh continues the lovefest, gazing adorably at her and thanking her for talking him up to the super-agent at his ex-roommate’s movie premiere a couple shows ago. They kiss.

“You know what goes great with eggs? Sperm.”

MP courtyard. Angrie is staring up at something when Smiley exits her apartment. She wonders what he’s up to and he points out a bird’s nest full of eggs. “They’re back!” That means Angrie won “the bet” and now Smiley must bring him lattes for a week. Jealous Ashlee Simpson steps out of her apartment with a mug of coffee and witnesses the bonding moment. She asks what they’re looking at. Angrie says they had a bet about sparrows. “Aw, how sweet,” AS says, then asks why Smiley isn’t in class. With forced casualness, Smiley says she took the day off to “sort of work a photo shoot” for Anton V jeans. “As a photo assistant?” Angrie asks, confused.

“Like, as a model,” Smiley gets out with a sheepish grin. AS & Angrie are thrilled as she tells them how she was accidentally discovered by Anton at Junoh’s video shoot. Angrie isn’t surprised, but evil AS says isn’t it a huge freak-out to have everyone staring at you like that. Only if someone hits the wrong button and the track you just lip-synched to starts over again! Smiley has to go, the shoot’s in Malibu. You’re gonna do great, Angrie says as S exits and AS looks vaguely disturbed at Hot-Headed Sous-Chef’s obvious interest in Engaged Creampuff.

AS asks Angrie to help her assemble some new furniture. He Tom Cruisingly says sure, with a crotch-dampening grin. He says he can stop by after work. Thanks! Angrie exits and AS looks up at the bird’s eggs like she wants to make him a roofie omelette.

“Afterwards let’s do Quaaludes with Leif Garrett & Joe Namath at the Playboy Mansion!”

Beach. Cru-Ella, in an orange sun-suit and matching hat that’s very Barbi Benton-on-Love Boat approaches Smiley in the parking lot. Smiley isn’t happy to see her frenemy. Cru says the PR company wanted Cru there for “hand-holding”, but so far she’s just had to make excuses. Smiley is tardy for the party. Like everyone else who drives west of the 405 Freeway, she blames an accident on Pacific Coast Highway. Luckily, Anton is still driving in from downtown. Cru advises her to leave earlier next time. “This is a big deal,” Cru snips. “You could have missed a lot more than the Pledge of Allegiance.” Seriously, the schoolteacher jabs are getting stale. But admittedly Cru and the writers don’t have a lot to work with.

MP CY. Dr Whoren returns home in scrubs and checks her mail. Bad Pitt exits his apartment and she notices how nicely and completely he’s healed from his terrible beating at the hands of vicious Persian art thieves on that floating cat-house last week. He thanks her for the medical attention and promises to stay out of fights. W walks off and BP sees she’s dropped a letter. It’s from the University and is marked PAST DUE. BP says she “might want to attend to this”. W shrugs it off as a “mistake”. BP says there’s no shame in falling behind on tuition payments. How would he know? Not from acting class, that’s for sure. W lightly scoffs– BP has never worried about a bill in his life. (And BTW I thought he grew up in a trailer park…?!?) BP asks how much she needs. W brushes him off– she has till end of semester to pay and she’s “already made a lot of headway”. LOL. How much, BP insists. $20K. BP says he wants to loan it to her. She’s shocked and laughs it off.

But BP’s serious. No interest, no problem. “There’s gotta be some benefit knowing a kid with a trust fund,” he cracks. W can’t believe that even with the trust fund he can afford that much. If it means keeping the best doctor ever from getting kicked out of med school, sure thing, BP says. He tells her to sleep on it. W looks vaguely disturbed.

“I lived in your building before it was re-zoned for Massive Suckage.”

Beach. The crew sets up for the shoot in front of the same rocks you’ve seen in everything from Baywatch to What Ever Happened To Baby Jane. And by the way, SoCal Gasmii, if you like overheated, wickedly hilarious snark, make sure to buy tickets to the very limited engagement of drag satirist/superstar Jackie Beat‘s new play, What Ever Happened To Busty Jane? Jackie is one of the funniest performers ever, and this show, a spoof of the Bette Davis/Joan Crawford classic that reimagines the story of sicko siblings as retired 80′s porn stars living in a tacky West Hollywood condo, also features the insanely hot club promoter/commercial actor Mario Diaz (from Jackie’s electroclash band Dirty Sanchez) and the brilliant Sam Pancake, who you’ve seen in every sitcom and plays gays like nobody’s business. It’s running the first half of November at the Cavern Club Theatre in Silverlake. Google that shit, order tix, show up and you might see me there with my young hung BF.

Cru finds Smiley dressed in a gauzy harem-girl top and The Jeans, camera-ready. Cru explains that the photographer was chosen by Anton after he saw her studies of starving African tots, then advises Smiley to avoid the jitters by NOT thinking about how the dozens of people around them are here only for S. The shutterbug turns out to be Daphne Zuniga (as Jo Reynolds) looking far more natural/less pulled-back than Laura Leighton & Josie Bissett. Smiley is of course very familiar with Jo’s photojournalism career and is super-honored to be in her presence. After all, she starred in the underrated 80′s teen classic The Sure Thing. MAIN TITLE

Jo snaps test shots of Smiley posing by those tired rocks. Exactly how this gorgeous girl with a killer body posing on Malibu Beach fits in with the whole “Real People” concept is beyond me. But Smiley is much more than a typical empty-headed jeans model, and starts chatting with Jo about how blown away Smiley was by Jo’s work in Darfur, which S studied at NYU. Jo chats back– it was “heartbreaking” in Africa… has S ever been? “I wish,” the sunny schoolmarm sighs. But she started teaching right after graduation. Why not travel during the summer, Jo asks, obviously unfamiliar with both public school salaries and NYU tuition rates. Cru listens in, a devious look on her face, as Smiley explains that she and her fiance have too many bills to pay for world travel. Jo asks isn’t S a little young for marriage? A vaguely disturbed look passes over S’s face as Jo goes to find a lens.

Ever heard of a little thing called SMEYES-ING?!

Jo walks up to Cru and says this will never work, Smiley’s a total amateur. That’s what Anton wanted, Cru says, adding that “models are like jeans” and Smiley just needs to be broken in. Jo tells Cru that Smiley is exhibiting typical new-model inhibition. “I need hot, I need sexy!” Jo declares, as Smiley walks up behind her. S hasn’t overheard and asks how she’s doing. Jo says she wants to “shake it up” with a different look. “Keep the jeans and lose the top.” Smiley stares at Cru in horror. I have a question, Gasmii: Was Jo a lesbian on the original series, or is this a new development?

Paramount gate. Wide-eyed Junoh pulls his shitbox up to the famous 5555 Melrose Avenue address. Cut to him being led onto the backlot, where a Hot Mogul sits in a director’s chair yakking on his phone: “Sure Johnny, take your time. But I gotta be honest with you– Leo‘s people are all over me for this role.” If I were Johnny, I’d be snappy about it. Anything to erase the dull pervasive stink of that vapid Public Enemies. I’m sorry, but how do you make a movie about Depression-era gangster superstar John Dillinger without mentioning his John Holmes-size wang? Nice going, Michael Mann. Andy the Mogul hangs up and shakes hands with Junoh– Andy knows him from his award-winning short “Living In Reverse”. Junoh excitedly asks if that was Johnny Depp on the phone. “Welcome to the dream, my friend,” Andy says. Come on. This is a TV show– it was probably Johnny Knoxville.

As they ride a golf cart, Junoh says he’s a huge fan of Andy’s films and is floored that a super-producer like him saw his short. Andy “completely identified” with the main character. “Everything’s finally going right, then BANG, it all turns upside down.” Yup, I hate it when that happens. Andy goes on to say he “loved the title, loved the characters, not so in love with the story in reverse.” The correct response to that is “OK, sure!” but Junoh looks confused and says the reverse thing was the whole point, hence the title. Who wants to pay ten bucks to see a movie backwards, Andy scoffs, apparently unfamiliar with both Memento and the fact that movie tickets in L.A. cost more like 14.

“Hey! Crush my dreams, not my hand!”

Make-up trailer. Cru comes to fetch Smiley. Jo is ready to shoot. Panicked, Smiley says she’s not going topless. Cru patiently explains that skin is “par for the course” in a jeans ad, and that she spoke to Anton en route and he “loves the take”. Smiley says she’s mortified at the thought of her parents’ reaction to the pix; Cru testily reminds her S is an adult and can do whatever she wants. And exactly how many times does one get the opportunity to earn $10K for wearing a pair of jeans? Smiley stares at her luscious, huge-breasted self in the mirror: “Maybe I’m just not cut out for this.” Cru sucks it up and tells her “you’re beautiful… and not just denim-ad beautiful, either. You’re one of those girls who can’t walk into a room without everyone falling in love with them. It’s disgusting, actually.”

Smiley: Thanks… I guess. Cru continues, telling her the camera will feel the same way. They share their first-ever warm look, then S says to be honest, Cru was the last person S wanted by her side today. But S is actually glad C is here. Great, now get out there and “try to enjoy being a diva for once, please.” Cru advises her to “think bitch” and Smiley takes a deep cleansing breath, puffing out her enormous rack. The frenemies exit the trailer, ready to steam it up. OMG, everyone’s acting a little lezzy today, including your recap artist!

Swanky street. Bad Pitt pulls up next to a Hunky Private Security Patrol Officer (so I guess I’m still straight), who hands him a tube containing what HPSPO refers to as a “treasure map”. BP assures him no one will find out about this transaction. The hunk hands BP a folder containing “security codes”. As HPSPO flips through the wad of cash BP gave him, BP says this is a public service, letting these rich bastards know they can’t “lie and cheat their way into these million-dollar homes”. When HPSPO looks vaguely disturbed, BP tells him the residents on Alpine launder drug money– “they’re getting what they deserve.” Aw, BP is a modern-day, charisma-free Robin Hood. BP speeds off.

“The glasses mean I have brains and taste.”

Super-Producer’s office. Mogul Andy is describing his vision to a shell-shocked Junoh: “We make the lead a woman. I’m telling you, Cameron Diaz is gonna flip for this thing. Tell the story in chronological order, lose all the black and white stuff. How’s that sound?” Junoh: It sounds very… different. Great, says Andy. “I love what we’re orbiting here. Can’t wait for your new take.” Andy says they’ll talk soon and walks out. Instead of squealing with joy, Junoh looks deeply disturbed. Are we supposed to feel sorry for him here? Because he’s acting like a douche.

As Junoh gets ready to leave, a Hot Girl Assistant- type approaches Junoh and says she knows “that look. You think you’re giving Andy the next Sling Blade and he pitches you back Freddy Krueger.” Junoh wisely shrugs this off, saying it wasn’t that bad. Hot Girl says she’s Kendra the Development Exec. She’s sorry she missed the meeting but she was on a notes call arguing with Michael Bay. She knows Junoh because she’s the one Super-Agent Charlie called to get J “in the door.” Junoh douchily tells her that unfortunately he and Andy are “on completely separate pages” about the would-be project.

Kendra says the good news is she has lots of say in how Andy develops scripts. She’d love to turn “Living in Reverse” into a feature and if Junoh’s not busy, she’d love to “discuss what we can do to make that happen– on your terms.” Junoh asks if she’s punking him and is delighted to hear she’s serious, his top button undone revealing a hint of annoyingly trimmed chest hair.

“Tres jolie, Smiley… tres jolie!”

Beach. Jo is waiting for Smiley to emerge from a tent– what’s taking so long. Cru explains that Smiley has never gone topless before– in fact she’s only had sex with “three guys” and enjoys trying to get Whole Foods shoppers “to help save the whales”. Cru also works in a drive-by Usher slam. She tells Jo that if she wants Smiley to be comfortable, “you’ll have to appeal to her sensibilities.” Jo is miffed. Just then Smiley appears, holding her top over her otherwise bare boobies. Jo snarls that the last thing she wants is Smiley to feel comfortable. Then Jo tells S all the jeans models go topless, so relax and “it’ll be beautiful.”

Smiley tosses her top aside, covers the twins with her arms, and looks back over her shoulder at Jo, who starts snapping pix. “No more fake smiles. We tried that already,” Jo snorts. “Come on, this is a campaign about raw emotion. You’re a real woman with real feelings. Let it all out!” Smiley looks excruciatingly uncomfortable, but tells Jo she’s trying. “Unchain yourself!” Jo barks. Cru leans in to tell Jo to take it easy on the poor thing. Jo tells Smiley to “forget about the fiance” and everything else that’s holding S back from being the person she wants to be. S says she IS that person, to which Jo snottily replies “Come on! Nobody wants to teach public school! And marry some guy who can’t even pay the bills?!”

Smiley has had enough. She hisses that Junoh is her true love and even on her hardest days, S is following her passion. “That’s more than I can say about you!” S declares, snatching up her top and storming off. Cru runs after her, suggesting they “take a walk and unwind. Somebody get her a benzo, ASAP!” LOL. “Forget it, I quit!” S says, fleeing. Cru is dumbfounded.

“Sometimes my neck gets really cold in here– so what?”

Bad Pitt’s apt. Whoren knocks on the door and BP answers. He tells her it’s a bad time. W sees he’s even more catatonic than usual and asks if he’s okay. Yes, fine, I’m just on the way to a business meeting, BP says, leaving the door open as he scurries back inside to get the ringing phone. W follows him and says she wants the loan he offered. BP says sure– just give him a couple days. W thanks him, her eyes wandering to photos of houses and unrolled Bev Hills mansion blueprints with a “Guardia Home Security” logo. “Studying to be an architect?” W deadpans. BP quickly gathers up the materials and says it’s “just some property he’s thinking of acquiring.”

W picks up a photo and says she didn’t realize he had enough money to shop for mansions. Just checking out some investment opportunities, BP tersely replies. “Since when has flipping multi-million-dollar real estate been a hobby of yours?” W asks, clearly in need of a gratitude adjustment. “Since forever”, he “enigmatically” replies, grabbing an unfortunately placed pair of black leather OJ gloves and stuffing them into his pockets. W is buying none of this and tells BP if he’s “in trouble”, he can share it with her. BP says he needs to get ready, meaning get the fuck out. W looks vaguely disturbed.

Beach. Cru-Ella follows Smiley across the sand, reminding S she signed a contract and can’t leave. “I didn’t sign off on being humiliated,” S pouts. If this is modeling, count her out! Cru says Anton is on the way here (uh, didn’t he leave from “downtown” hours ago?!– it ain’t that far, Gasmii) and if Smiley isn’t there, Cru will get “an ass-whipping”. Smiley reacts, disgusted that all Cru cares about is her own career. Cru says what she told S in the make-up trailer was the truth, but it’s S’s choice not to believe in herself. S says that doesn’t equal “abandoning all self-respect.” OMFG! No one’s asking her to show nip! S is acting like they want to shoot her blowing a Great Dane.

“That’s it! I’m sending you to Benny Ninja!”

Cru pulls out the big guns and reminds S that Junoh makes sacrifices constantly when he’s shooting kiddie birthday parties. “It’s called compromise, Smiley!” S doesn’t want to hear it– she says she has never trusted Cru and they’re done talking. As S stomps off, Cru says have fun telling your fiance “you blew it today”. (The jeans ad, not the Great Dane.) S stops, the words stinging. Cru says “giving up on ten grand because of a little ego-bruise” is ridiculous. Cru presses, saying this “says a lot about how things work at home”. Smiley keeps walking.

Coal. Angrie is packing-his-knives-and-going after a lunch rush when he sees Ashlee Simpson, finishing her hostessing shift. She says she’s on her way to the bus stop. Angrie offers her a ride on his Triumph motorcycle. She resists emitting a psychotic squeal, and refuses the helmet he extends to her. She wants him to wear it. But he insists, telling her he’d never let anything happen to her. Angrie says let’s go and AS makes a vaguely disturbing face before following him out.

Super-Producer’s office. Kendra is fawning over Junoh’s short as he proudly reveals lighting techniques. Kendra says J is obviously passionate and she’ll make sure Andy knows what J’s vision is. They share a warm moment, and Kendra takes off her glasses and confesses she too has been passionate about movies since she saw Chitty-Chitty Bang-Bang “at the Ritz 5“. No way! “The Ritz 5 in Philly?!” J asks excitedly. Turns out they’re both from Philadelphia and have probably stood in line ordering popcorn together at the annual Scorsese festival. This raving bombshell loves Taxi Driver. Sure she does. Dude, Where’s My Car? is more like it. Could they have maybe cast someone who doesn’t look like she just fem-botted her way off the set of The Bold & The Beautiful? Jesus!

“Junoh, I’m having a film festival in my pants. Wanna enter?”

Anyway, she starts to flirt, and Michael Rady is so charming he pulls off the cheesy insta-chemistry thing without seeming like a horny tard and they exchange electric glances. Then she says she’s “having drinks at Katsuya with the VP of Paramount” and asks if he’d like to join her after, “to work on our pitch.” Junoh cutely says yes. She’ll save him a seat at the bar. On their smoldering pre-adulterous eye contact, we cut to:

Beverly Hills mansion. Bad Pitt exits a huge house, pulling off his black gloves. He is shocked to see Whoren waiting in the driveway for him. “What are you doing?” she demands. “You don’t want to buy this house.” BP says his realtor stood him up. “So what’s with the black gloves?” W asks. BP doesn’t want to discuss it, and when she says the beating and blueprints add up to major mischief, he gets mad. “You’re completely overreacting!” he yells. W wants to see what’s in his matching black leather bag so she snatches it away from him. Priceless jewelry spills onto the ground. BP scoops it up and tells her to get into his Porsche. They need to split, pronto!

MP CY. Angrie & Ashlee Simpson arrive. “All that adrenaline tired me out,” she kittenishly purrs, suggesting a margarita “before we tackle the furniture– virgin, obviously,” she adds when he doesn’t reply. Sure, why not, he says. Just then Smiley staggers in, dropping her keys and prompting Angrie to ask if she’s OK. She tries to blow him off, but he won’t let her. As AS gives her the stink-eye, S admits she “totally tanked the shoot”. And now she has to tell Junoh they won’t be getting the 10K. Does Angrie know how many video jobs J has had to sweat through “just so we can make rent?” Smiley agitatedly asks.

“It’s like so totally okay! Go to your engaged whore.”

Angrie asks if she’d like to come over for tea to decompress. Smiley says it looks like he’s in the middle of something, so– No, it’s nothing, Angrie quickly clarifies. S says she’ll come over. Angrie walks back to Ashlee Simpson, who pretends to be concerned about S. Angrie says S’s had a rough day, so would AS mind if he helps her tomorrow? Of course not, AS assures him, dying inside. “Smiley obviously needs you more than I do.” Angrie says thanks, then rushes back to Smiley as AS stares murderishly at the washed-up jeans model.

Cut to Angrie’s apt. Angrie serves tea as Smiley rants about the shoot. Angrie is sympathetic as S insists she tried to do what she was told, and even went topless. Angrie spends a moment imagining her voluptuous mounds, then tries to verbally comfort her. S says Junoh will “hate” her for giving up that money. Angrie says it’s “kind of impossible” to hate S. (I beg to differ.) He says J will understand. S says she felt that Jo was pushing her to question her life choices. Does Angrie think she’s too young to get married? Angrie begs off– he’s “not the right guy to answer that.” They share an oddly intense intimate stare. Maybe he thinks she looks like Padma, every chef’s fave beat-off queen!

Paramount. Kendra walks Junoh to his car. J says if K would prefer meeting at the office another time, instead of drinks tonight, his schedule is “super-loose”. K says don’t worry, the drinks are on her expense account, then mentions that her ex-BF Kevin Carlisle wrote and directed Autumn Falls, a movie Junoh loves [despite the awful title]. Kendra says Andy plucked Kevin out of obscurity and “made him huge”. Junoh “kind of reminds” her of Kevin. Thank you, Junoh modestly and adorably replies, clearly picking up on this brazen come-on. He carefully tells her he doesn’t know if he can come tonight. How come? He waits a beat, debating with himself whether or not to tell the horny D-gal he’s shacked up with Miss Don’t Look At My Tits. But instead he says he “kind of has some plans” already. K says if J frees up, he knows where she’ll be. She gives him a saucy smirk and walks off. Junoh should totally fuck her.

“It’s true– I just texted my agent begging for a part on Breaking Bad.”

PR company. Cru-Ella pops some Advil as she talks on the phone with boss Gayleb, assuring him the shoot was NOT a disaster and that Jo must have gotten “some amazing shots”. And in walks Jo. Cru says she’ll work it out and hangs up. Jo slaps down an envelope of proofs, proclaiming Smiley a total waste of time. Cru tells Jo “maybe you shouldn’t have pushed” Smiley so hard. Jo snips that’s what Jo does and until S figures out who she is, she should stick to schoolmarming instead of trying to sell out for a few thousand bucks. Cru fires back– if anyone’s a sell-out, it’s Jo, who “traded in the refugee camps for a 12-page spread in Vogue“. Jo gives her a dirty look and exits.

MP CY. Ashlee Simpson lies by the edge of the pool, trailing her hand through the water like a mental patient. Junoh arrives home, pausing to notice the bird’s nest. He’s irritated when AS approaches to say the nest “is like the coolest thing ever”. AS says she was just taking a break from trying to assemble furniture. J says he’d help, but he has a date with Smiley when she gets back from the photo shoot. AS says S is back already and is probably still at Angrie’s. Junoh is unpleasantly surprised to hear that Angrie was supposed to help AS with that goddamn furniture, but aborted it when S came home all upset, then invited S over.

Junoh wants to know if something bad happened at the shoot. Ashlee Simpson has no idea– you know how those two are, like everything’s “their little secret”. J’s eyes dart toward Angrie’s, his disturbance becoming ever less vague.

“Anymore of these bullshit accusations and you’re gonna have to find someone else to make you sake-seared scallops with citrus-infused micro-arugula salad in an aged balsamic reduction!”

Angrie’s apt. Smiley says she should probably go home and stop dragging him into her “meltdown”. We all have our moments, Angrie says. There’s a knock. It’s Junoh. “Come in, buddy,” Angrie says, all friendly, asking J about his big Paramount meeting. J ignores it and approaches Smiley, who says she hopes he has good news. It went great, J says evenly. S says she’s so glad J is home, she’s starving and needs champagne. Does that mean the shoot went well, J asks. He notices the quick glance S throws Angrie before she says she’ll tell J all at home. J says he needs to borrow a bike pump from Angrie, so he’ll see her upstairs. S says she’ll defrost the veggie burgers, kisses him, thanks A “for the tea” and exits.

Junoh plunges in and demands to know what’s up with “the hours on end you spend behind closed doors with my fiancee”. Angrie tries to stay calm as he explains that S’s shoot went badly and she needed someone to talk to. Junoh was in a meeting so she didn’t want to bother him. Junoh rolls his eyes and asks if Angrie is seriously playing “the we’re-just-friends card”. Angrie says they ARE just friends, which Junoh doesn’t buy since he saw security-cam footage of them canoodling in the courtyard. You mean the day after Angrie’s ex-lover/sponsor/drinking buddy Sydney died, Angrie says in disbelief. A was on the verge of a meltdown and Smiley was the only person who was there for him. Junoh snarkily says that it wasn’t S’s voice that was so “consoling”. Tell me you and S “have not crossed the line of friendship!” J barks. If only he knew she fucked up the modeling gig, he so wouldn’t give a shit.

Angrie says Smiley always “jokes” that Junoh’s paranoid, but she’s not joking, is she? J says he and S have already talked “about what happened” and now it’s time for Angrie to “fess up”. Obviously, J is talking about something else but I can’t remember what– it’s probably that security footage thing. Whatever it is, it’s ultra-minor compared to the bombshell Angrie detonates: She kissed me, not the other way around. Michael Rady’s brilliance shines as we see J’s devastated, almost physically wounded reaction. “It’s not what you think,” Angrie says. S loves Junoh, “trust me!” J staggers out the door.

“And that goes double for the vanilla-poached strawberries in yuzu cream with crunchy streusel!”

Junoh & Smiley’s apt. S pops the champagne open and fills flutes. S asks if they should toast his bright movie future or her short modeling career. J says nothing and downs his glass. S asks what’s wrong. “Why’d you go to Angrie?” J asks, not looking at her as he refills his glass. S says J was in “the biggest meeting of your career” and she didn’t want to bother him. You could have texted, J says, but it was just easier to “go to Angrie’s open door”. What?! S says, confused. This is not about A– it’s about S blowing ten grand by being unable to model correctly. J reacts to this cherry on his cake-of-shit, drinking and nodding as she blathers on about letting J down. J says he doesn’t care about the money, just that she’s telling the truth. There’s nothing going on with her and A?

No, S insists. How can he think that? So nothing has ever happened? J presses. S says she’s wearing J’s ring because he’s the only man for her. Period. J gives her a vaguely disgusted look, then exits “for some air”. S sighs miserably.

MP CY. Bad Pitt arrives home to find Whoren sitting on the stairs. She starts right in, saying she saw “thousands of dollars in diamonds”. Not your problem, BP says, unlocking his door. W asks if he does it for thrills. There’s obviously something missing in his life. Besides acting ability, of course. BP shoves her into his apartment and hisses that “Miss Prim & Proper, the ambitious doctor” has no idea what it’s like “to have to bend the rules” to get by. W says she knows what it’s like to feel powerless and to close her eyes, wishing she was someone else. I’m guessing she’s talking about tricking with fatties, or anal, or possibly both. W says she doesn’t “go out and victimize people”. They’re not victims, BP snarls. They’re “white-collar criminals/scum of the earth” just like BP’s Dad. Dr Michael Mancini isn’t the “medical miracle-worker” W and her fellow students think he is.

“My strap-on’s this big and you’re gonna take every last black inch of it, bitch!”

W says no dad is perfect. BP says he was never interested in being BP’s father. BP’s trust fund is no substitute for all that rejection. W says that’s sad, but stealing is no way to get back at Dad. BP says maybe not, but it lets him “loan money to my friends”. W says she doesn’t want the money now that she knows where it comes from. She’d obviously much rather finance her career through hooking. BP asks if she’s going to call the cops. No, she says, she’ll do him “the biggest favor” of his life and keep quiet. If he promises to never steal again. W’s phone buzzes. It’s a text from her pimp asking if W’s on for tonight. W exits in a huff.

Ashlee Simpson’s apt. AS is assembling her furniture when Angrie enters in shorts and asks if she still needs help. His sponsor isn’t picking up and A wants to use his hands to help clear his head. What are they making? My new bed, AS pertly replies. Cool, let’s do it, A says, doffing his jacket to reveal beefy biceps in a sleeveless t-shirt.

Junoh & Smiley’s apt. Smiley emerges from the bathroom, looking for Junoh. She finds a text from him– he “went for a walk”.

“Does Tommy Calabro still wear that stupid cock ring?”

MP CY. Smiley walks out in her robe and sees the bird’s nest on the ground, eggs broken. Jo is there, looking for S. She says she used to live in this very building. Is that motorcycle S’s fiance’s? No. Jo says S “hit a nerve when you told me to go to hell”. S says Jo was just doing her job and that S was “totally out of her element”. Jo says she’s thinking of going to Latin America to bring media attention to the food shortage there. Apparently Jo has never met my aunts, uncles, cousins, godmother or ex-BF Carlos. S says Jo has “a gift for exposing things in your photos that most people are afraid to look at in real life”.

Smiley says Jo had an effect on her, too. Maybe S should be more open-minded. Jo says when she was S’s age she was engaged, too. After Jo left him “is when my real life kicked in”. How did Jo know it was the right thing to do? She didn’t. Oh, and don’t worry about the shoot today. Anton saw the last photo, loved the “raw emotion” and she’s still the face of Anton V jeans. Smiley is thrilled. Jo wishes her luck and exits. S looks vaguely disturbed.

Katsuya bar. Junoh enters and sees Kendra alone, nursing a cocktail. She’s thrilled. What about J’s plans? This was an opportunity he just couldn’t pass up. On J, about to fuck his way to a mediocre movie career, FADE TO BLACK.

P.S. If you’re looking for a great Halloween DVD, track down Teeth! This 2008 Sundance winner is in the same league as classic teen satires like Heathers and Election, and milks its brilliant central conceit with such thorough and delicious darkness that I can’t believe there wasn’t huge wide-scale buzz. There hasn’t been a horror movie about adolescent sexual panic this sharp since Carrie, and Jess Weixler‘s performance as the Promise-Ringed heroine is on par with Sissy Spacek‘s. Tell me what you think!