Miami Social: Where Even the Reality Whores Don’t Want to Watch the Reality Whores

Please bear with me Gasmii. Apparently, no one on the interwebs likes this show enough to post full episodes so my pics are limited by what Bravo decides to put on their website. Of course, this is nothing compared to the afterbirth that Bravo broadcasts every Tuesday night at 10 PM but I will continue to do my best. With the worst.

George’s Home. George is twitching away and making a mustard sandwich. Ooh, no one told me this guy could cook. What a catch. Lina calls from the airport and wants to know if George wants to pick her up. There is only one acceptable answer but George doesn’t know what that is. He tries to demonstrate testicular ownership by asking if she’s back from her bullshit trip and telling her he’s torn between missing her and never wanting to talk to her again. Fail. The only one here with any balls is Lina and they’re enormous because she demands that he get his ass in a car and pick her up after she spent a weekend on a yacht in St. Barts after telling him that she was going to New York for work. Although his face registers shock, George hikes up his white sweatpants (unfortunate for so many reasons), tucks in his penis and goes out to retrieve his crazy lady.

George’s Car. Georgina is driving Lina home and telling her how upset he was that she lied and that she crushed him. Lina taunts, “You want to seriously fight? Bring it on. Bring it on.” Hold on, crazy. Weren’t you the one who lied about what land mass you were traveling to and for what reason? Even though George is a total pussy, he’s entitled to be pissed here. So why is she angry? She’s angry because he’s angry. Ah, now it makes total sense.

Lina compounds the lie by telling George that her primary income is working for a real estate company and that she’s an independent contractor which means she has to be available at a moment’s notice. If by “independent contractor” she means stripper/hooker, then we’re finally moving in the right direction with this honesty thing.

She then flips the whole thing on George and says that if he would control his emotions then she wouldn’t have to lie. Anyway, it wasn’t even a lie. It was an innocent lie. Holy crap! Her logic is making my head spin. By the way, is that a new scar on her face? Since I can’t find the episode online, I can’t find a good photo but it kind of looks like this:

Did she get that while “working”? Or did George punch her in the head off camera? Not that I condone violence, but if that turns out to the be the case, I would be more than happy to stop with the vagina jokes.

So Lina says she’s sorry but it’s one of those “I’m sorry you think I did something wrong” sort of non-apologies but Georgina laps it up. He says she looks nice (for a hooker) and is glad to have her back (but can you please complete a seven-day course of antibiotics before we have sex again). Lina responds with the touching “Jesus uptight ass!” and Georgina falls in love all over again.

Dog Park. Non-queen MC is walking his teeny, tiny poodle at the dog park when two enormous dogs show up walking Kat. She has no control over these animals which I imagine is a very uncomfortable feeling for her. One of them takes a huge dump and we spend too much time focusing on canine defecation. So typical of the Miami social elite, isn’t it?

Rubbing salt in the wound that is MC’s dating life, Kat reminds him that his trainer is totally off the market and has been for awhile but that MC was just blinded. MC’s excuse is that they were working out closely and it was just this weird, fake and dirty world he created. (Oh, what I wouldn’t do for a weird, fake and dirty world every Tuesday at 10! Instead we get weird, fake and vapid. Dirty might make it interesting.)

MC is going to put his best foot forward with dating so he can find someone who loves him for who he is. Yeah, I would set my sights a bit lower. And he’s going to the ends of the earth to find him! Like the bank and the dog park. Good luck man. MC then remarks how he loves how his dog holds his own against Kat’s monsters. MC must be looking at some other dog because his just squeaks and runs away. Kat says it sounds like the noises that MC must make in the bedroom – which is an image I can only hope to forget but which is also quite funny. Kudos, Kat. I didn’t know you had it in you.

Maria and Angelika. Okay. Here is the entire Maria plot line this week: Maria is shipping her thirteen-year old daughter off to Switzerland and trying to convince herself that it’s a selfless act. Before she leaves, she tells her to not kiss boys with things on their lips because you can get herpes from kissing, to make sure she kisses cute boys with normal sized mouths, and don’t walk around all wrinkled. Since the kid is now gone, I can only hope Maria shows up next week with a more interesting plot line. Like one involving hookers and blow.

Ben and Kat at Restaurant. Sincerest apologies, Gasmii. I CANNOT make this stuff interesting. The boredom is so overwhelming and pervasive that there must be an underlying medical condition causing it. The Borings greet each other, talk about the fact that Kat can’t wear a white tank top to work because it’s too casual and Ben likes her in nice shoes but Kat prefers her crazy booties. The worst part? Because they’re close friends, Ben wants to make sure they get together once or twice a month to be friends and not talk about work. Why? Is this part of a suicide pact? Oh, please say yes.

But Ben has big news. He. Bought. A. Mattress. Not only did he buy a mattress, but he bought it without Kat’s assistance! She is horrified that he would buy something to sleep on without her – a person he will never sleep on it with. I know. I couldn’t believe it either. To Ben’s credit, he managed to buy the most awesome mattress ever all on his own. He wanted the one where if he’s lying here, he won’t be able to feel the other person moving there. Kat wants to know why it matters since he won’t be sharing it with anyone anyway.

Ben wants to know what’s going on that night. In a surprising twist, Kat is going to work. And by work, she means sending endless emails to Ben all night while Ben sleeps in his non-moving bed. Alone. Apparently, Ben hates waking up to forty emails from Kat and her mom. I can’t imagine why. He mentions he’s going to a bachelor party which involves football and a visit to Tootsies or Scarletts. Based on Kat’s face, I don’t have to live near the Miami airport to know that these are strip clubs.

“Maybe you’ll find your future wife at a strip joint,” she quips. Holy crap, this chick is toxic. Note to all single ladies in Miami – do not date Ben (for so many reasons but let’s just address the one on the table). Talk about baggage. I might consider taking Lina as an ex before this one. Kat says that in order to appreciate someone, you need to step back and spend time away from them. If it’s meant to be, it will happen. Call me crazy but I think most people would go out of town for the weekend and not just file for divorce in order to ‘step back’.

Sorah’s Home. Sorah calls Kat and tells her they’re going paddling tomorrow. Ooh, a little booty smacking to turn up the entertainment value? Sorah says it’s fun and right near her house at the marina. Marina? Since when does spanking require a marina? Dammit. I’m sure this isn’t going to go my way. And I’m right. The girls end up on surf board type things, paddling themselves in circles in the water. Actually, Sorah paddles herself and Kat just falls over. Kat is worried that the bruises she’s getting won’t help her if she’s trying to get back into the dating scene.

George’s Home. The producers force Georgina and Hardy to engage in some male bonding and talk about their relationships. Hardy asks how things are with Georgie and the lady. He lies and says it’s okay. They’re spending time and working together to figure things out instead of trying to place blame. I’m not sure who George is talking about but it can’t be Lina. Hardy offers his words of wisdom and says that he and Trix used to have tumultuous times but it blows his mind how good things can be. He’s lying too but George says “that’s cool” all green with envy. Hardy says he’s been with Trix for six years, that they got engaged twice and broke up each time. Yeah, George, this should be your barometer for relationship success.

Hardy loves Trix and just wants to be with her and things are good right now but can’t think about getting married or he freaks out. George suggests the very successful solution that worked for him and Sorah – go to the justice of peace one day and get married the next. Ugh. It’s the blind leading the blind. But Hardy likes it. Yeah, maybe they’ll go to the justice of the peace this week and just knock it out. Such a romantic.

Hardy’s Home. Hardy walks in carrying the most ridiculous briefcase/purse I have ever seen.

Pretending to be the good wife she isn’t, Trix is cooking dinner, pouring wine and telling Hardy he looks hot. He asks her how she’s feeling and she says she’s okay which means she is most definitely not and Hardy is probably going to find out why in a minute. So after arriving home after a long day of work (as evidenced by said manpurse), he sits down for a glass of wine . . . and more work. There’s a party at the Gans and Ari needs a cabana. Hardy calls him and Ari explains he needs a cabana for 15 to 20 “predominantly really high fashion type clientele.” Unfortunately, there will be a few ugly ones but it’s a birthday so he can’t kick them out. Because if the ugly ones were booted, Ari would be the first one out the door.

Hardy tells Trix one of those crazy stories we tell when we’re really trying to tell someone how we feel but don’t have the balls to just say it. (So I was walking down the the street today and I tripped over a baby and man, I hate babies. Isn’t that crazy?) So he tells her he ran into a “young lady he was once acquainted with” (read: this chick I used to bang) and she has a kid and it’s really hard to have a kid, and she doesn’t go out anymore because she has a kid, and having a kid is really hard, and I’m all you’re killing my buzz. Pass the wine, babe.

Trix nearly leaps out of her chair and screeches that everyone they know is on their second baby and the two of them are negative. Hardy counters with “but we have a dog” which is a losing argument. Dog notwithstanding, Trix lists everyone on the planet who has two kids and that they’re the only one without any. Last time I used “but everyone else has one,” I was talking about a second ear piercing. And I was twelve. “Because everyone else is doing it” is not a good argument for reproduction. Despite the fact that this cannot be Hardy’s first time at this rodeo, he asks her what her point is. Can open. Worms everywhere. Her point is that she’s going to need a baby soon.

Trix is pissed that all her friends have kids, she has none and that Hardy takes their relationship and future for granted. Hardy’s response: Delicious dinner. Thank you very much. Hardy wants to be with someone because he loves them, not because he feels trapped and that he has to be with them. Cut to Trix furiously poking holes in her diaphragm.

The Gans. Bravo tortures me once again with the douchey stop-motion Hardy montage. We’re two weeks into this crap and it’s already old. Cut it out. Hardy has the coolest job ever and having children is not in his immediate future. Note to Hardy: Hide all tiny, sharp, pokey things within your girlfriend’s reach. Ari shows up and Hardy walks him to his cabana miles away from anyone or anything interesting. Ari complains that there’s no party there and he needs to be where the party is. Hardy, trying to confuse him with words, asks if he wants to be where the party IS or where the party is going to BE. Ari does not understand things like “verb tense” and demands to go where people are now. Hardy comps him a bottle of something and Ari – not yet satisfied – demands a cabana located in the “people now” section that appears empty. When Hardy explains that it’s already paid for, Ari glares at him like he’s trying to do simple addition and gives him a Fuck You. Ari is all class, all the way.

Hardy is talking to some woman and Ari pops by and says she looks like Sandra Bernhardt. Hardy, desperate to save face, says she doesn’t and that she looks beautiful. Ari, incapable of social appropriateness, insists this woman looks like Sandra.

Ari compliments Hardy and says he’s good at his job because he talks to people whether they’re good-looking or ugly. That’s called being human, Ari. Try it. Ari defends his comment by arguing that Sandra is a friend of Madonna so it’s okay. Really? Rosie O’Donnell is a friend of Madonna too but I wouldn’t thank anyone if they said I looked like her. Hardy tells him that he doesn’t have to say everything that he thinks. Ari apologizes for being a bitch and tells Hardy that he’s hot – the only compliment that exists in Ari’s arsenal.

MC in his car, on the phone with Kat. MC is on his way to the Sagamore Hotel to plan his 36th birthday. He doesn’t like cheese so he’s going to step in to make sure it gets done the way he wants. Which I’m sure means zero cheese. They discuss the guest list and MC is having a problem with Ari. He doesn’t want to be a twat about him but he just doesn’t feel like he’ll want to hug and kiss him when he sees him at the party. Because that’s how you determine who to invite to your party. Kat says to give him a chance and we’re all made of the same fabric. MC disagrees and says he’s cashmere and Ari is a poly-blend. Oh, gay textile humor. See you at the Gans! Big kiss.

Sagamore Hotel. MC needs three people to plan his birthday event. Do they not have Facebook in Miami? What happened to creating a page and inviting everyone you’ve ever met in your entire life to some crappy bar downtown? His team consists of Sharon, who looks like Big Bird in white shorts, Kelly, an event designer, who may or may not be Heidi Fleiss, and Raffi, another event designer, who may or may not be Dave Martin from Season One of Top Chef.

MC wants the theme to be disco tropicale because hello? He loves disco. Disco is always chic and he loves disco balls. He sees disco balls hanging in the trees. Sharon chimes in that the disco ball theme is great here but let’s talk about size. Big balls. She sees a big ball in the entry. I could not make this up if I tried. Then there’s about fifteen minutes of gay word vomit: Showgirls. Fashionable. Hip. Hot. Horny. Nope. No cheese.

Now MC wants to walk through the whole party, from getting out of your car to getting head behind a potted plant. Dave Martin explains that there will be a check-in table and describes the various tablecloths said table could wear. MC makes a face like he’s passing gas and declares that check-in tables are passe and he needs something different. Heidi jumps in with Girls. Dressed in costumes. Standing. Ooh. Girls standing. How FASCINATING. Dave runs with it. Yes! Costumes! Afros! MC shuts him down and demands copacabana showgirls. Dave picks it up again. Something around their necks! Acrylic discs that glow! MC is having an aneurysm and denies Dave his campy cheese. I’m sure this is the last time we’ll see Dave.

The Gans. Everyone pretends they’re friends with each other and meets at the Gans. MC complains that he hasn’t been on a date in so long and Kat asks what he’s looking for. Brown eyes, about six feet and very masculine. (It’s the lack of superficiality that I love about this group.) MC said that the rain on Sunday made him feel like he wanted a boyfriend. Kat asks him if it made him feel “like this” and leans back, making a weird, sort of sexual motion. Again, if anyone would be kind enough to post full episodes I could show you this instead of trying to explain how odd it was. In fact, I only figured out it was supposed to be sexual because MC and Hardy started miming what I think was the use of sex toys. Although if that’s how these guys use sex toys, remind me to steer clear of them. The whole thing mercifully stopped when MC said she thought she had to marry Ben again. Great idea.

Ari tells them that November 8 is a Make A Wish fundraiser they have to go to because Kim Kardashian is hosting. MC says Kim is a reality whore and he doesn’t need to see her. My thoughts exactly, reality whores! Take note, Bravo. Even your own reality whores don’t want to see reality whores. When is thing getting canceled?

Ari is shocked, tells MC he doesn’t know Kimmy for shit and why would he talk about someone he doesn’t know? MC is actually funny and mocks into his phone, “Hey, Kim. It’s Ariel. I’m at the Gans.” Ari tells MC to google Kim Kardashian and Ari Stein on the internet (because there are other places to google) and don’t call his friend a whore. First of all, I googled these two, hoping for another sex tape and got nothing but references to this crapisode of Miami Social. Second, when the only thing you’re known for is a sex tape, you’re kind of a whore. Not judging, just saying.

Hardy bares his claws, declares cat fight and the two girls go back and forth as to whether or not Kim has any talent besides sex-taping. Ari says she’s a socialite from L.A. (which is not a talent) and MC says he’s a celebrity journalist who has been writing about these people for years so he knows who’s talented and who’s not. Ari counters with “half the things you write about are 70% not true” and his head explodes.

Ari just wants to know why MC is being so mean. He liked him an hour ago and now he won’t let him sit at the same lunch table. MC is more concerned as to whether Ari and Kim are friends or acquaintances. As long as she’s in the right category, he’ll be able to sleep tonight. Alone. Ari says Kim has done a lot of good. MC points out that you can do a lot of good and still be whore. He’s right. Look at Paris Hilton.

Gonzo shows up and he’s heading to China for two weeks. Ari wants to know if Sorah is going to go with him. She tells him no since Gonzo works and she works. According to Ari, this is retarded and now MC likes him again. Their lack of depth is truly astounding. Another argument over whether or not Ari can be in MC’s club ensues and Ari ends up leaving without kissing MC goodbye. MC and Hardy talk about how Ari could set the world on fire if he just channeled his energy. I don’t think Ari could set paper on fire. With a match.

MC Shopping. MC needs a really good fucking look for his birthday party so we’re forced to watch him practice greeting his guests and endure a ten-minute fashion show montage.

George’s Home. George wants to have a mature conversation. Unfortunately, he’s talking to Lina who wants to yell and scream and act like a child. He says her lying undermines the entire relationship and that he’s confused. Everything was good until she (allegedly) went to New York. She responds by yelling over him, covering her ears and blah, blah, blahing him to tune him out. Again, she turns it around saying he goes out too much and gets too wasted and tells him that he’s too stupid. George comes back with “I know you are but what am I?” Lina retorts, “I’m rubber and you’re glue.” And we’re back where we started. Why are these two together?

Kat’s House. There’s some boring work talk and Kat’s mom tells Ben that he looks hot and that he’s God’s gift to earth. Looks like Mrs. Campins is in early stage dementia. She think Kat needs to rethink her life and that she just wants grandkids. Before the Alzheimer’s kills her. Kat says she’s going to take Ben’s sperm and reproduce. Can someone please check the Campins’ household for high levels of lead in the water? Ben guards his testicles and leaves to eat pizza and watch football. What a catch.

Gonzo’s Home. Sorah shows up for dinner with Gonzo in a flowered tablecloth. She starts making ravioli or tortellini and Gonzo says it looks like female genitalia. I don’t know whose genitalia Gonzo is checking out but if your genitalia looks anything like what they were cooking, you should put in a call to your ob/gyn. STAT.

There’s a knock on the door and crazy walks in. Lina and George had a big fight and George is flipping out so Lina needs to ask his ex-wife and her current boyfriend if George has control issues.

Sorah doesn’t try to understand because it’s beyond her comprehension and Gonzo doesn’t try to understand because he has no idea who George is. Sorahs says this is when living in the same building with your ex is a pain in the ass. Except that for sane people, it isn’t.

Lina rehashes the fight as though either of Sorah or Gonzo might care. Sorah politely explains why Lina is a lunatic bitch and why she needs to move out and on. Lina, having minimal grasp of the entire situation, says she’ll try to behave and leaves Sorah and Gonzo to try to enjoy their dinner. I’m reluctant to admit this, but I like Gonzo and Sorah. Despite the fact that she carries a full set of George Luggage, she seems to be moderately sane.

MC’s Party. MC has his party at a hotel that isn’t the Gans and somewhere a job is lost. MC greets his guests and does it very well since he spent a better part of this episode practicing. He even compliments Ari when he shows up. Good will is short-lived and MC says he hears that Ari doesn’t work out very hard in the gym. Ari says he’s hardcore. MC says he’s not. MC says Ari lost weight. Ari says he didn’t. MC calls Ari a narcissist. Ari says he’s not. Woo hoo. Happy birthday.

Kat spills wine on Ben but assures him it won’t kill his girl-getting ability. Of course not. One cannot kill that which is already dead. Sorah tells MC that George and Lina broke up yesterday and then George shows up with Jazmin, a Lina look-a-like. Hardy and Trix show up, MC squeals, and George tells them he broke up with Lina but that it was graceful. Trix asks what household objects were thrown. George says the break-up was because Lina doesn’t take the relationship as seriously as she does her work. Will someone please just admit that this girl strips/has sex for money? And MC and Kat gossip about Lina Two and decide she’s not a girlfriend but a fill-in.

I don’t even need to watch next week’s preview to know that Ari acts like a bitch, Kat demoralizes Ben, MC laments his singleness, Lina brings the crazy, and someone mentions the Gansevoort. Stick with me on this one, something interesting is bound to happen. Isn’t it??

Until we recap again,
TinyElvis