Here’s a quick lesson on cliffhangers: They’re used at the end of a show to keep you interested until the show returns whether that be next week or next season. If the show does not return, then you have what we call “loose ends” and one really pissed off recapper. Unless I see Andy Cohen and his smug mug on my TV screen next Tuesday with a big, fat where-are-they-now special, heads are going to roll. Shall we?
I’m going to miss Bert the most.
George is on the phone with his mom, prepping for her visit to Miami. Lina is hovering nearby plotting ways to torture and abuse George. And probably his mom. Because why not. George asks Lina if she’s going to be around when his mom comes in and she says she’ll try to do her best. Don’t hurt yourself.
Yeah, Lina. You’ve made that perfectly clear.
George ends the conversation with his mom which, by any objective standard, was perfectly lovely and reasonable. But Lina doesn’t understand things like lovely and reasonable and chides George for not letting her tell his mom that she’s looking forward to seeing her. Which, of course, would naturally follow from I’ll try to make myself available to meet your mother.
Does everyone in Miami apply eye shadow with a spray can?
George asks Lina if she’s excited to meet his mom but she just hopes mom is better than George. Well, if mom isn’t dating a pathological lying, wardrobe cutting, bat shit crazy, crab-infested, two dollar hooker then yes, mom is better. George claims she is because she raised him and Lina tells him that she didn’t do such a great job and has a list of complaints.
I just threw up in my mouth too.
MC and Maria are hanging out on a balcony praising the sexiness of Miami. They decide that Maria should be dating a lot of guys so it’s going to be a new Maria era. One where she has a lot of sex because it prolongs your life. (And that’s one to grow on.) So she’s off to slut it up (and get some antibiotics.)
Maria assumes the ready-for-lots-of-sex position.
George picks up Mama French from the airport and she asks whether he and Lina are a long-term thing or not. Sure, as long as they don’t kill each other first. Mama concludes that Lina may be hot tempered (I guess George didn’t tell mom about the whole clothes-cutting situation) and wants to know why George can’t find a nice girl who makes chicken soup. George brags that Lina could open a can. And then slice your neck with the jagged edge of the lid. Mama wants to know that he’s with a woman who can take care of him.
If you’re using “take care of him” in the Sopranos sense of the phrase, then yes, Lina most definitely can.
Hardy and the Crypt Keeper are planning a small party to celebrate their six year anniversary. Of dating. Not marriage, but dating. Who does this? Please break up now. The yacht is sixty-nine feet long. She said sixty-nine. Sorry, I’m twelve.
Does oil-free powder NOT exist in Miami?
Hardy and Crypt are reviewing the guest list and start naming people we’ve never heard of. Are they interesting? Maybe they can appear on Season 2 instead. They decide not to invite George and Lina because they don’t want drama at their party. Hardy gives us his two cents about them and says that George should “ditch the bitch.” Glass houses, man. Take note.
George and Mama French are at George’s home and are (shocker) waiting for Lina. They’re supposed to go to some fish fry at Frank’s house and Lina calls to say she’s going to be late. George is trying to convince her to get her ass home so they can get there at a reasonable time. Mama is tired and hungry so let’s go. Before Mama has a second to complain, Sorah walks in amid a chorus of angels to say hi to her former mother-in-law.
I haven’t even met Lina yet but please take George back. PLEASE.
George then tells Sorah that she needs to get out of the apartment before Lina gets home. I bet Mama can’t wait to meet this girl. Lina finally walks in looking like she hasn’t showered in at least two days and forces Mama to hug her.
I could really use a Silkwood shower right now.
Mama regrettably decides to give Lina a gift. Lina tears into it to find a handmade scarf which first, she would like to sell and second, decides has ‘not very much use in Miami’. Here’s the deal, George. It’s fine if you’re willing to accept constant humiliation from your diseased girlfriend but when someone talks like that to your mom? She should be out the door faster than you can say “green card.”
Can you just wait until I put this up on Ebay?
George tries to shuttle Lina out the door to dinner but she can’t. Because she stinks and needs a shower. Except I’m pretty sure her stink requires antibiotics and not just soapy water. Despite the fact that they’ve already been waiting for Lina for over an hour and she agrees to just bring a change of clothes to Frank’s, Lina jumps in for a shower delaying them even further. I love Mama French for not losing her shit and George is still a pussy.
Do I smell as bad as I look?
Finally, Lina, George and Mama are on their way to Frank’s. And Mama is in the back seat, why? At Frank’s house, Lina and George get into a play fight and Lina further charms Mama by telling her that George is “gonna be embarrassed right now. Like a little girl be crying. I’ll whoop his ass!” Isn’t that something every mom wants to hear?
I’m fucking charming, right?
George makes the mistake of asking Mama what she thinks of Lina. Lina tells her to keep it a secret and to write it in a letter. Um, what? Mama thinks it’s an inappropriate question to ask. Oh Mama, I expected better of you. Couldn’t you fake it for a minute? Mama crosses her fingers behind her back and says that Lina is lovely. Lina asks George if he wants his mom to tell him she thinks she’s a bitch. Where is her filter? Lina and Ariel should totally date. Mama says that there’s a lot of energy between George and Lina but it needs to be more positive. Understatement of the century, mom.
Seriously, son. What the fuck?
And finally Maria gets some action. She’s on her way to a date with a guy who asked her out while she was at the Gans with the girls. He had the balls to ask her out so Maria rewards him with a lunch date. Blech. She calls MC to tell her what she’s wearing — a Marc Jacobs shirt and scarf — which, apparently, means she’s going for “that look.” I don’t know what that means but if her lipstick is any indication, she’s going for 1980s drag queen.
We’re going roller skating after this, right?
Date guy (who never gets a name as far as I can tell) had sent her a text saying that he doesn’t have sex on a first date. She responded that she does. Here’s a tip: Excessive pre-first date sex talk only leads to disappointment. Unless, of course, you’re just looking for sex. Which is fine. Just not with this guy.
Maria shows up at the restaurant and tells Date that he feels good (um, doesn’t that part come later, much later?) and that he looks good in the daylight. Swoon. When he asks if he looks bad at night she doesn’t even respond. Truth is, I think this guy does far better with minimal lighting.
Do not want.
Maria picks up her phone and there’s a sticker of her daughter on the back. Surprise! Maria says it’s hard because her daughter is away for a year and it’s hard because her family isn’t in Miami and she’s alone. Sympathetic Date gives her “it is what it is.” Dude, you’re not getting by on looks so you might want to step up charm and personality.
He then starts asking her questions like he’s evaluating a crime scene and determining time of death. After a painful silence, Maria announces that she likes the wall. Date thinks it’s a nice wall too.
Wow. I hardly noticed how amazing that wall was.
Maria chows down on bread with onions in it and advises Date that there will be no kissing. He doesn’t look disappointed. Even when she shovels in another piece for good measure.
I do not want to kiss you. Ever. Are we clear?
Maria lies and says she had fun and that Date smells good. Is this some sort of South Beach mating call? Everyone says it. And then we’re witness to the most uncomfortable kiss goodbye. Date is sort of going for the lips (but claims he was going in for a second cheek kiss) and Maria sort of turns her head and it’s all ugly. But in case anyone thought they were going to escape with their dignity in tact, Maria calls him out on it.
MC is on his way to his hair transplant consultation. He figures he can’t get down to dating until he works a little more on the outside and the inside. Where is this big inside transformation he keeps talking about? He’s on the phone with Kat who tells him that if it makes him happy, then he’s only doing it for himself. Except you’re just doing it to get laid. Let’s be honest.
We then get a five minute infomercial for Dr. Epstein. Between this and the Lasik, doctors all over Miami must have MC on speed dial.
Dear God: Please let a pec implant specialist call me next.
Ben brings the two dogs over to visit Kat who is with her friend Kelly. And I use the term “friend” very loosely. She raves how skinny and tall Ben is. As though he has somehow increased in height since he split with Kat. Her friend.
OMG, Kat!! Don’t Ben and I make an awesome couple!
Kelly and Ben chit chat about Ben’s parents who are in Maine and Ben wants to know when Kelly is going to go up there with him. Kelly pretends that Kat should come with them but Ben points out that Kat never liked it anyway. Ben complains that Kat took her cell phone on a hike so she could still work. Kelly says that if Ben took her on a hike she would NEVER take a cell phone.
I would SO be a better girlfriend than Kat. Ben, call me.
Then Kat compares Ben to a never-worn dress and Kelly to the hot girl who’s now wearing it. It’s some sort of “don’t know what you got until it’s gone” metaphor and it sucks. Kelly can’t get over how great Ben looks and if looks could kill . . .
Shut it down, bitch.
The Crypt Keeper is so excited for her anniversary that she’s called in an expert to apply the fourteen pounds of makeup required to make her look like she’s somewhere, maybe, in her 30s. Crypt and Hardy exchanged gifts last night and Crypt chirps that Hardy agreed to give her a baby! Is it just me or do people in Miami treat reproduction way too lightly? Pacifiers in cake? Babies given as gifts? What the hell is going on?
Make sure you poke a few airholes in the box.
Before they run out the door, Crypt needs to spray her dog with perfume because “she needs to be pretty too.” Yes, this woman should definitely be breeding. So they’re off on a yacht to celebrate the anniversary. Hardy and Crypt toast to their friends for being with them through the ups and downs. Hardy says he’s not a perfect man but found himself the perfect girl. (Girl? I see no girl here.) And wipes away a fake tear.
Hey camera guy! Did you get that? Was it convincing?
Hardy claims that marriage is on his mind but when they get married it’s going to be a big surprise, it won’t be a big affair and no one is going to know about it. Oh wow, this guy is SO romantic.
So when we get married, you’re not going to tell anyone are you? I mean, I have a reputation to protect.
Kat says that if it takes you six years to figure out if someone is the one, then they’re probably not the one. Throw in two broken engagements and I’m going to say that they’re DEFINITELY not the one.
Most romantic proposal. Ever.
A very popular bathing suit designer (whom I have never heard of), Andrew Christian, asked Ari to do a casting for him.
I really need a new job.
And finally we meet someone more vapid and more offensive than Ari. Andrew starts asking the models whether they have a nice package, whether they’ll do porn and if they can pull their suits down in the back so he can see their crack.
I think he’s actually drooling.
Even Ari is offended which is amazing to watch. Even though he’s flirtatious, he would never ask a model to show their crack. Um, good, because I don’t understand why anyone would ever want to see it. Since when did plumber’s crack become hot?
I rarely get to legitimately use my “I’m so offended” face.
Ari reaches his breaking point and tells Andrew to reign it in. Andrew storms off saying that he’s the client and that without him, there’s no job. For a minute, I respect Ari. He stops the shoot and says he doesn’t know if he’ll work with Andrew again. Good call.
Sorah calls George and needs to talk about important things. Bert is not happy about the friendship and Sorah doesn’t want to see another relationship end because of George. She tells him he has until the end of the month to get out of the condo and then she’s going to sell it. George is concerned that getting involved in a real estate transaction with Sorah will cause them to fight. Priorities, man.
Ben is out for dinner with his brother Nick ogling women. A hot chick stops at the table and Ben introduces her to Nick as “a gal pal” of Kat’s. Note to Ben: You will not get laid using phrases like “gal pal.” Megan is quick to point out that she hasn’t seen Kat in forever.
Translation: Kat and I are no longer friends so you and I can totally go at it. Call me.
Ben asks Megan if she has lady friends for him to go out with. Note to Ben: Re: Lady friends; please see note above re: gal pal. Nick asks Ben if he’s seeing anyone regular. I assume he meant to use the word ‘regularly’ and is not really concerned about the digestive system function of any girl Ben is dating. Ben has been on lockdown for so long with Kat that he can’t even get through a sentence without being distracted to the point of stuttering by passing ass.
By the way, when do we stop with this label?
Hardy and Crypt are out for drinks. Crypt has ordered some girlie drink and demands that Hardy taste it. There is a full minute of debate over the drink tasting and I do not understand how he cannot want to marry this woman. Right. Now.
I bet it tastes a whole lot like bitter.
Marriage is scary to Hardy. He wants to be with Crypt but he has this unfortunate hang up. Yeah, and her name is Trixia. How come this girl hasn’t faked a pregnancy yet?
George is on the phone with Lina reminding her that they’re having dinner with his mom at 8:00. She’ll do her best to try to make it on time. Which means she won’t.
George and his mom are at the restaurant with a handful of George-friends we’ve never met. And George, surprise, is hammered. Everyone asks where Lina is and George has no idea.
Oh cool. Dr. Phil is here.
Mama French steps up and asks George what the hell is missing in his life that he somehow thinks that he should be with this trainwreck. She did not raise a broken child and he should take care of himself before he can be with anyone else. If the relationship needs to be fixed now, then it’s broken.
Please let one word of this get through his thick skull.
And finally we’re at the Gans. George, surprise, is hammered. MC comments that George and Hardy would make a hot gay couple so George responds by spitting his drink in Hardy’s lap. But he’s joking.
Because if you say you’re joking, it takes all the spit off Hardy’s lap, right?
Hardy gets his panties in a bunch and leaves. Kat and Maria talk to George like he’s a three-year-old (or a very wasted thirty-something) and asks if he would get back together with Sorah if she gave him another chance.
Because Sorah misses this guy.
George says no because they’re not meant to be together. Kat follows up with “how long do you think you’ll be with Lina.” George sentences the relationship to death within six months. Excellent. You should definitely continue dating her then. At this point, George can no longer follow the conversation so they start talking about Kat’s divorce and no one cares. Hardy returns (he’s not in the mood) and George shuffles off like rainman telling everyone he has to pee-pee.
I’m definitely not wearing any underwear.
Ari arrives and wants to know where George is. Sorah thinks (really??) George is drunk and that things aren’t going well with his mom in town. She also tells them that Lina never showed up for the dinner. Ari loves that – he thinks it’s great. And I hate him 100% once again. Sorah gets a text from George who says he’s embarrassed that he spit at Hardy and had to go deal with Lina.
Maria says her date sucked and that she wants to go out on more dates. With other people. MC says that he’s doing another level of self-improvement and is getting a hair transplant to fill in the Jewish yarmulke.
As opposed to the many other kinds of yarmulkes.
Ari thinks it’s cute and didn’t realize how much hair MC didn’t have. MC says he didn’t expect any genius loving out of Ari’s mouth. Um, what? It must be some sort of Ari-speak because Ari tells MC he loves him followed by “there’s no way you can say you don’t need it.” And the old Ari is back.
MC goes to get his hair transplant. He is pumped full of valium and we are treated to a bunch of guts and gore as we get awesome close-ups of the surgery. Doc asks MC how he feels. MC mistakes Doc for his therapist and tells him that he feels fine but that a lot of things are bothering him, and he’s 36 and has never been in love, and he hates going to the gay clubs where it’s all about looks, and thanks, your fifty minutes are up.
I’m sorry but you must have mistaken me for someone who cares.
Kat arrives to drive MC home and promptly asks Doc what his sign is. Is this really a legitimate pick up line? Is this what I have to resort to? Doc and Kat play twenty questions about what sign he is – Kat is an astrological genius and has narrowed it down to two – and he finally says she won’t find out unless she goes out to dinner with him. She ultimately leaves without a date or even a phone number.
You look smart but how did you not figure out I was hitting on you?
MC and Kat are in the car on the way home and MC tells Kat that he’s envious of her and some of the traits she has. She tells him that she’s not perfect. Um, I don’t recall anyone saying you were perfect, sweetie. Again, MC tells her that in her next relationship she has to not work so much. Hey Kat. I don’t know if you’ve heard but you work a lot.
Jewz N Da Hood.
Kat comes home to hear her mother on the phone saying things like “I never thought I’d have a divorced daughter” and “Now I’m never going to have grandchildren” and “I’m divorcing Kat and adopting Ben.” Way to be selfless and supportive. Can someone tell mom that the divorce is not really about her?
How soon can we get the papers started on Ben’s adoption?
Mom announces that the divorce papers arrived and points out not-so-obvious things like once the papers are signed, the relationship is over. Thanks, mom. Got it. Then there’s thirty seconds of pen holding, paper flipping and dramatic music. If I had a nickel for every minute of action on this show . . . I’d have a nickel.
Ooh. Will she or won’t she? Here’s a tip: If your husband has already signed the divorce papers, “working it out” is probably no longer an option.
Then we’re at . . . huh? . . . Lina’s home? I thought she sponged off George. Nice place though. It’s good to see a hooker making a fine living in Miami. George walks in with a new haircut and is totally hammered. Lina is pissed he’s drunk (I’m sure it offends her delicate sensibilities) but he’s pissed she didn’t show up for dinner with his mom last night. He then asks the question that he has to have asked Lina at least fourteen thousand times over the course of their relationship — Where were you? Lina would like to skip that part. Of course she would.
Don’t you hate having to tell your boyfriend that you missed dinner with his mom because you were having sex with strangers for money.
Lina finally admits that she went out last night. When George asks with who, she tells him it’s a mystery. And ladies and gentlemen, we have reached the breaking point! George asks if he can have his balls back, says goodbye and tells her to never call him again. Needless to say, Lina swears like a sailor and throws shit against the wall.
What else can I break?
And then awesomeness. Lina calls someone who she calls honey and who does not sound at all like George. She tells Honey that she got into a fight with one of her friends. Honey asks if it was Robert. (Who??) She says it was George and Honey refers to him as her old boyfriend. Honey – who sounds like a total redneck – is appalled by George’s treatment of Lina – something tells me he only gets one side of the story – and tells her to come over. She calls him “love” and says she will.
Honey, if you have enough cash, I’ll be there in five.
The rest of the episode is a musical montage intended to evoke emotion. It evokes laughter and pity. George is walking around and texting Sorah, who is making out with Bert and ignoring George. Kat is signing her divorce papers. Maria is on webcam with her daughter. Hardy calls someone to say he isn’t sure if his relationship with Trix was meant to be. MC is admiring his new hair. Ari makes out with a girl. George scrolls through the contacts on his cell phone, gets to Lina but flips the phone closed before dialing.
Hit delete! Hit delete!
Oh Miami Social, thank you for allowing me to mock and humiliate you for the past six weeks. I am going to miss your shallow, vapid behavior and your mostly indecipherable dialogue. Not enough to request a second season of course. I would, however, appreciate one of those after-the-camera, Andy Cohen abortions they always show. Although if only George and Lina and Trix and Hardy were there, that would be enough for me.
I’m off to recap Flipping Out now which premiered right after Miami Social ended. (And the seasons they go round and round . . . ) Thank you all for the recap love and visit me at Flipping Out.
Until we recap again,