Not that it demonstrates any sort of psychic ability on my part since it was kind of obvious but I’m pleased to report that I was right. Lina’s pregnancy is no more. Or never was. Or might have been but isn’t now. I’m still in the ‘never was’ camp but we’ll have to wait until next week to clear that up.
I’d like to thank the Academy . . .
Other things that happened this week: Hardy complained about Trix, Maria had big boobs, Ari was inappropriate and MC was in rare form.
Finally, a huge thanks to DearCrabby for mentioning (in the Toddlers and Tiaras recap) that you can download full episodes of shows on iTunes. I am please to report I am chock full of humorously-captioned screen grabs this week. Or maybe just captioned screen grabs. Your call.Lina and George are out to dinner and Lina is trying to get him all liquored up because she’s going to have a serious conversation with him and is going to put a little pressure on him. What a romantic way to say you’re having my baby. George, despite all evidence to the contrary, is no dummy and knew there had to be a catch because she’s been so sweet and nice. [Note to George: If you think your significant other is up to no good because she's not behaving like a rabid animal, you may want to ask yourself what the fuck is wrong with you.] Crazy Eyes Lina is visibly appalled at the suggestion that there may be a catch and pretends to want to talk about their relationship.
What fake pregnancy?!
She doesn’t want to be known as the crazy couple but wants to be an example. I think they’re the perfect example of total disfunction but I don’t think that’s where she was going. [And note to Lina: Two crazy people dating each other cannot NOT be the crazy couple.] I’m just full of meaningful romantic advice today. George says he’s not sure if he can ever forgive her for some of the shit she’s pulled (except that he will) and is just glad that they’re not together for some other forced reason (except that, wait for it and they will be). Let’s wait six months before we have a serious conversation about long-term plans.
Or sixty seconds, whichever comes first.
George digs into the red velvet cake for dessert and cuts into a baby’s pacifier. What a fantastic way to say let’s fuck up an innocent child’s life. Listen Crazy, this isn’t a proposal. No man wants to find anything in a red velvet cake other than, um, red velvet? What the heck is in that anyway?
I hope you don’t have much planned for your disposable income for oh, the next eighteen years or so.
George has been for a ride on this crazy train before and wants to make sure she went to the doctor to confirm. But pee on a stick is all the confirmation Lina needs. And she’s been throwing up and nauseous and light-headed. (Really? I feel that way on a fairly regular basis. If it meant pregnancy, I’d be dropping pacifiers into desserts all over the tri-state area.) I. Am. Pregnant, she insists. Another sign of trouble is having to convince your boyfriend that you are, in fact, knocked up.
Don’t forget the toast, mom-to-be!
Lina decides that George isn’t happy enough – and why would he not be over the moon with news of this blessed event – and she is scared. Scared of getting fat. But that’s okay because this baby is going to be one cute motherfucker. Doesn’t Hallmark make a card like that?
George thinks that all of this maybe, just may be, bad timing but it’s still a miracle so he’s looking forward to it.
Clearly, this is the face of a man looking forward to the miracle of fatherhood.
Ari is picking up Maria at her place and douses himself with Eau de Socially Inept. In the car. Which must make it smell awesome and not even a little bit overwhelming or choke-y. Apparently, Maria has been drinking all morning because she tells Ari he smells good.
Oh, please be mace.
As much as I hate to say anything nice about this guy, I am impressed that he got out and opened Maria’s car door – without the expectation of getting laid. Kudos, and unless you save puppies from a burning house, Ari, that’s your one compliment for the season. Enjoy.
For one brief moment, Ari is not V.I.L.E. (TM TwuntyMcSlore)
Maria walks to the car and shakes her ass like she gets paid for it.
Can I get fries with that?
In the car, we learn – again – that Ari grew up with money and had everything he ever needed. Yawn. The two of them are driving to meet with the owner and CEO of EA Lingerie. Ari is the art director on a shoot for them and they need a new photographer so he decided to bring Maria. Because she’s a star. And has big tits which is generally enough to earn Ari’s approval. They show up for the meeting and the client tells Ari that he looks great in black. Incapable of saying thank you, Ari says he knows and that he rarely has to try.
I could kill him and no jury would convict me.
Maria tells the clients that she has been a photographer for two years because she was married and didn’t have to work before then. After her divorce, she needed to figure out how to feed her daughter. I don’t know how much this child could possible eat but it must be enough for a small village because Maria mentions the feeding of said child at least sixteen times. They want to know if she’s always had a passion for photography but she says no.
I’ll take Instances Where Subtitles Are Pointless for $1000, Alex.
Ari tries to help by ‘confirming’ that Maria has the passion now but here’s a good rule: Never ask a question you don’t know the answer to. Maria just says she gets paid a lot. Ari is appalled. The clients are appalled. Maria is just honest.
I would have been more inclined to be your photographer if you would have showered for this meeting.
Ari, our black pot, thinks that Maria should think before she speaks. I mean, sometimes he has to. He doesn’t, but he has to. Maria tries to clarify what EA Lingerie wants from the shoot and asks if they typically have art directors on the set. For the second time (but definitely not the last), Ari reminds her that HE IS THE ART DIRECTOR. Maria tries again to get information about the shoot from the client but Ari jumps in to say that he needs to be part of it. Um, you are, dude. Shut up. The clients assure him that he is loved but he knows that. Everyone loves him. A more deluded man does not exist.
Back in the car and Ari chides Maria for not having a passion because his team has to be driven and go crazy on the shoot because that’s when it all comes to life. I hate listening to this guy talk. There is also another debate about who is the art director and Ari wins the fight. Hands down.
Not you. But me. I. Am. The. Art. Director.
In case you missed it. I. Am. The. Art. Director.
MC is in his car and calling Sorah. Normally, these pointless interludes bore me but for some reason, I’m totally charmed by these two. MC met a guy at Starbucks and realized that they both know Sorah and Bert. And oh my God! It’s Super Diego! He’s super hot and super successful and this makes Sorah super happy.
See? Super happy.
Back at George’s apartment and he’s trying to escape Lina’s clutches for the duration of just one meal. He would like to meet Hardy for dinner and begs Lina for permission to dine. Request denied. She’s allowed to have lunch with her girlfriends because it doesn’t interfere with the time that she and George spend together so George’s day must be divided between being at work or being with Lina. Tough call. He calls her a moody pain in the ass but she says that she’s just reacting like any other pregnant woman. Except that most other pregnant women are really pregnant. Go figure. He’ll be back at 9:30. Is that cool? Yeah, sure.
Yeah, go out. It’s totally cool. Where are the scissors?
George and Hardy are having a romantic meal. George is not going to tell anyone about Lina’s pregnancy because one, it doesn’t exist, and two, most people don’t have the best opinion of her. Not most people, George. Just the smart ones. George complains about Lina and Hardy complains about Trix. There are a whole lot of “amens” and “sing it brother” at this table.
I’m storing this for winter.
Desperate to talk about someone else’s problems, George asks what’s going on with Hardy and Trix. Hardy says that he’s tired of hearing “where’s my ring?” and that he already gave her a ring. Twice. And we’re treated to seriously uncomfortable laughter.
Laughing stops the tears.
Hardy wants to be with Trix into their old age not because it’s forced but because it’s wanted.
Eh. Free will is overrated.
George calls Lina and she asks him if he knows what time it is. Uh oh, dude. Trick question. Hang up! He was supposed to be home at 9:30 and she is sick and tired of his fucking excuses. Asshole. I cannot wait to hear baby’s first words.
If my calculations are correct, it’s about an hour and a half past testicle removal.
Sorah is on her way to pick Bert up at the airport after his two week stint in Asia. The travel wears him out so he’s going to sleep for three days. Naked.
Note to Bravo: Do not want.
Sorah tells Bert that MC and Super Diego are going out. Bert thinks it’s cool because Diego is super hot and both of them are super sweet. By the way, I am not making up this “super” shit. Bert bought Sorah a watch in Asia so that she can have two – one for Miami time and one for the time wherever her is. I’m typically not a sucker for this sappy crap but that’s pretty cute.
And I’ve been thinking a bit about Bert. I think he actually looks like the spawn of Bert and Sam the Bald Eagle.
Lina is on the phone telling her mom that she’s going to end her fake pregnancy by pretending to go to a clinic and swallowing an imaginary pill.
Thanks for the advice, mom.
She’s perched on the kitchen counter. Note to any potential purchaser of George’s apartment: Throw out kitchen counter. George walks in and is immediately advised that he makes Lina miserable and unhappy. He’s an hour and a half late and she’s pregnant and stressing and he should be spending time with her!
Because why wouldn’t you want to spend all your free time with this?
Giving him further reason to spend as much time away from Lina as possible, she calls him a loser, says he doesn’t know how to be a man and he’s a fucking dick. Like three times. Ah, the joys of parenthood.
Just place your neck right here. Please.
Ben is waiting at a restaurant for Kat who is forty minutes late. Based on his passive aggressive “nice of you to be on time” I assume this is pretty standard Kat behavior. Based on her “what up dog?” I assume she’s a twelve year old boy.
Why am I here? And where are my clothes?
Kat decides to move to the beach because she’s tired of selling a lifestyle that she doesn’t live herself. Ben is thrilled because he can’t wait to get her shit out of the house and to be finished with this transition period. It’ll split them up in a good way. Kat is very blinky.
Wha?! I can’t believe that you would want me, your ex-wife, to move my stuff out of your house! That’s crazy!
Kat is off like a prom dress. Even though she didn’t go to prom. With Ben. Who went with someone else. When she was sixteen. For crying out loud, we get it. You’ve been with Ben since you were a fetus. Move on.
Kat is looking at houses and drags MC along. Ben is going to keep their house (still containing all of her shit) but she’s going to move to the beach. To a multi-million dollar mansion. With a white kitchen. Even though she doesn’t cook. Ever. Because she always wanted a white kitchen.
How do I turn this stove on?
Oh, and her white-kitchened home has seven bedrooms. Because that’s not sad. Hell, I need a few glasses of wine to deal with my one empty bedroom. But seven? Talk about depressing. But Kat has never lived by herself because, in case you missed it, she’s been with Ben since she was sixteen. I do have to admit a serious case of closet envy though.
I’m also having a tiny drawer built just for Ben’s balls.
MC thinks that the houses are too big and that they say “divorcee who got to keep the house.” Kat’s head explodes and she argues that she makes her own money and always has and that no man has ever taken care of her. Someone needs to give this girl some new lines.
Oh no, you di’int.
Back at Disfunction Junction, George and Lina are enjoying a romantic moment on a park bench. Here’s what went down. And please keep in mind that these two are expecting a child in approximately nine months. Act it out with your significant other and fall in love all over again:
Lina: Baby, you didn’t say three words to me.
George: I hate you?
Lina: Come on. We have to go through this everyday? Come on. You can do it.
George: Do what?
Lina: Don’t be scared of love. You know what I’m talking about.
George: I love you?
Lina: No, you don’t.
George: Yes, I do.
Lina: No, you don’t.
George: (Pointing to the ocean? Bay? Whatever.) This is where I can get rid of you.
Lina: Don’t kill me.
George: You better watch it.
Hmmm. If I hide her body under that dock, she’ll probably decompose before anyone finds her.
MC calls Maria so she can rehash the meeting she had with Ari. MC is almost airborne with excitement. Maria says that Ari can only talk about how great he is and doesn’t have a head for business. MC doesn’t encourage this work relationship and suggests she break up with Ari. And we’re already half way done with the show and only just get our first Gans reference. Someone in the PR department must have fallen asleep.
I get so excited talking behind other people’s backs! I think I just peed myself!
Maria meets with Ari to tell him that she doesn’t think that he’s ready to work with her professionally. They meet at the Gans and the camera work is all Jets gonna rumble with the Sharks. Maria is super shiny. Like straight from a chemical peel shiny. Did someone forget they were going to be on TV?
[Insert really funny joke about peeling layers and finding nothing underneath reflecting subtle commentary re: Maria's lack of depth.]
After some bitchy back and forth – you only talk about how great you are and not about how to get the job done/you don’t have any passion for your work and that’s a problem – Maria and Ari decide they can’t work with each other. But Ari would like to continue working with her. Because she has nice tits.
He’s not actually wrong.
Ari asks if Maria wants to sleep with him. She says no and he wants to know why not? Because she’s picky. And would like to remain (relatively) disease free. And no, not even if she was really, really, really drunk.
If you have the time, I can list six reasons why I will never sleep with you.
Kat is at MC’s apartment discussing her move to the McMansion. He thinks she should move into a full-service doorman building. Kat isn’t interested because in a building like that everyone knows everyone else’s business and she doesn’t want anyone knowing her business. Um, excuse me, but you’re on a weekly television show on basic cable. Consider your business known.
MC points out that Kat really has no business other than work, work and work. Kat tells MC he looks really straight in his baseball hat. MC says that deep down there’s a straight man trapped in there and that he even has a straight name — Mike.
I am Mike. Straight guy.
Then MC spills a drop of red wine on his T-shirt and flips out. Straight guy Mike disappears and Michael reappears with a vengeance. And a Tide to Go Stain Stick.
Out damn spot.
We’re at the EA Lingerie photo shoot and Ari has hired another photographer to shoot his incredible visual. Ari promptly humiliates the photographer by introducing him as a cute little Puerto Rican.
I will trade my dignity for some national exposure. How I wish they had printed my name on the bottom of the screen though.
Ari is also eager to point out that all Puerto Ricans have shaved heads. And they’re like this tall (while holding out his hand to show that they’re all a bunch of little people). And they all look the same. He is incapable of recognizing the awkwardness that follows.
I stopped my emotional growth when I reached this height.
Ari then congratulates himself for “doing so good.” Like he always does. Can someone please get this guy a dose of reality?
We are then subjected to a ten minute informercial for LASIK. MC and Maria decide to do it together and MC is going to wear a V-neck cashmere sweater to the surgery. Because it’s important.
Finally! We’re at the Gans and Ari has a very important announcement. MC mocks “I’m pregnant” which pisses off Ari but makes me fall in love with MC all over again. George walks in and Ari notes that he’s wearing Prada shoes. Which is the gay equivalent of “hello.”
I love your, um . . . shoes.
Ari wants to tell everyone how smart he is and how he’s done everything for a twenty five year old. And then even more than that. Note to Ari: Smart, doing-everything people don’t have to tell everyone that they’re smart and doing everything. So smart Ari has hired a new assistant who is a designer so he is going to debut his new collection – Ariel Raphael Clothing Collection. Because he hired an assistant who knows something about design. Does not compute.
Ok. Wow. What a great idea. No, really. Awesome.
Bert shows up just in time to make George uncomfortable. He makes out with Sorah and George twitches. Ari says that George and Bert are hot and hot. Sorah corrects him by saying that George is hot but Bert is hotter. Ari suggests a threesome. George is sad.
When I am not twitching, I am thinking of clever ways to kill you.
George is on his way home to talk to Lina and Good Intentions by Doubting Paris is playing in the background. I love that song! Kudos song-finding person for Miami Social. Someone is doing their job. So George comes home to find Lina in bed.
Eyes closed; hand over head; indicates distress.
She’s upset because God didn’t think they were ready for a baby and decided not to give it to them. Unless God himself came down from the heavens and told you to fake a pregnancy, let’s just leave the big guy out of this. Um, so what happened exactly? It’s not there anymore. We lost the baby.
Would it be inappropriate to jump up and do a fist-pump right now?
George calls Hardy to tell him about the made-up pregnancy and pretend miscarriage but first we have to watch Hardy jump into his tiny car and endure one of my favorite someone-in-production-loves-Hardy montages to date.
It’s like Andre the Giant crawling into a Mini Cooper. [By the way, two Andre references in two weeks. And they said it couldn't be done.]
George tells Hardy that Lina was pregnant but isn’t now and Hardy gives him the sympathetic ‘”you dodged a bullet, dude.” Hallmark makes that card too, right? But that’s not even the worst of it. It turns out that George has been getting texts from ‘people’ saying that Lina had an abortion and complained that George didn’t even offer to pay for it. Now George can’t even get in touch with the girl to find out what the hell is going on. I’m not sure but if the past is any indication, you may want to check the yachts in St. Bart.
Hardy tries to be the good friend and tells George he doesn’t have to put up with this bullshit and he doesn’t believe that Lina was ever really pregnant. This girl is going to ruin George. George meekly admits that maybe Hardy is right but he just doesn’t know what to do at this point. Ugh, George. I hate you and your complete lack of spine.
Get out of this relationship now! I mean, look at my face! I’m so distressed that I’m almost (but not quite) wrinkling across the forehead!
And so we’ll have to wait until next week to find out what really happened to the ‘baby’ when George confronts Lina about the abortion. Other stuff is supposed to happen too but I don’t care. I just want to see what happens with this sack full of crazy. For the record, I still say fake pregnancy. There is no way that Lina would abort eighteen years of child support.
Until we recap again,