Miami Social: Where Interesting Goes to Die

I had high hopes for this train wreck but it was little more than a fender bender. Although the potential was there (Thong bikinis! Gay men! Butter-head blondes with limited command of the English language!), a whole lotta nada happened. But let’s chalk it up to necessary pilot episode formalities and meet our cast.

Meet George French. He’s a partner at Maryland Mortgage Corporation and I know he’s important because he’s signing papers. Important people sign papers. He tells us he’s dating a Russian hottie, Lina, but they have a volatile relationship. Cut to Ariel telling us that Lina has George under a spell and to Michael telling us that she’s a psycho and I’m guessing these two may be the source of some drama.

Next up is Sorah – a Brazilian hottie that George had a volatile relationship with. (Hmm, I’m sensing Georgie may have a type.) The two of them were married for three and a half years and have been divorced for two. The marriage ended when George cheated on her but they’re still friends. Because why wouldn’t you be friends with your ex-husband who slept with your best friend while you were still married?

Enter Michael Cohen who is gay but not a big queen. Except for the big, queeny, double-cheek kiss that follows. He’s a celebrity journalist and in a total dating dry spell. I hope by celebrity journalist he means he writes those fun little quips in US Weekly where we learn stars are just like us because they juggle two cups of coffee while trying to unlock their car! And they feed the parking meter!

Katrina jumps in to tell us that Michael Cohen is her buddy. He covered her wedding for a magazine when she married Ben. Wait, I thought MC was a “celebrity” journalist. She and Ben started a company selling luxury real estate and she works 24/7. If she could make more time in a day, she would work. I would SO love to be married to this woman.

Ariel (who, although male, was named after the Little Mermaid) loves Katrina because if he was a girl, he would be a hot, boring one like Katrina. Growing up he always had everything he wanted and now he’s the most incredible fashion producer in Miami. I’m sure we’re supposed to be impressed but meeting the most incredible fashion producer in Dallas would get me just as jazzed. He’s not straight but doesn’t consider himself gay. He just goes with what’s hot. He’s a total rock star!

Speaking of trendy sexuality, meet Maria. She’s a photographer slash art director who dates men and women. Jump to Ariel who tells us Maria has big tits and guys like that so she can hang out with him. Ariel rarely makes much sense. Maria is a single mom to her thirteen-year old daughter and imparts sage advice to her like don’t kiss people with cold sores. She may want to have a heart-to-heart with Ari.

Finally, we meet Hardy Hill – which sounds like a fake name if I’ve ever heard one. He represents the owner of an interest in a nightlife conglomerate that clearly involves the Gansevoort Hotel because barely a minute goes by in this episode without it being mentioned. He’s the social mayor of Miami and lives with Trix, his girlfriend of six years. Ari tells us that Trix must trust Hardy a lot which means that she most definitely doesn’t.

On with the show. Hardy drives a girly convertible. I’m sure I’m supposed to be impressed but it just looks like a gay, silver car. He calls George to meet him for a cocktail but George can’t because he’s going deep sea fishing with Lina. This must be sexual innuendo because Lina doesn’t strike me as the fishing type. Apparently, taking your girlfriend deep sea fishing in Miami indicates a serious relationship because Hardy fears that George is now going to lose his playboy moniker. It’s true. No longer the “hit it and quit it” type of guy, George really likes this girl and wants to do a relationship the right way. I don’t think that doing a relationship the right way involves sport fishing but that’s just my opinion. “Catch something big,” Hardy tells him. “And not crabs.” Oh, Hardy. You’re a card.

On the boat, I’m shocked that Lina hooks her own bait. And catches a fish. Of course, she wants to hold and kiss the thing and squeals like a girl when it flips out of her hands (smart fish) and flops all over the boat – which is more of what I would expect. The fishing boat kid (read: Bravo production assistant) asks George how he got Lina to date her. George says Lina went out on first dates with everyone in Miami but no one but him ever got a second date. She counters by accusing him of sleeping with all of South Florida. Ah, sluts in love.

On the beach with Kat, Maria and Sorah and cue the synchronized champagne sip.

Sorah (George’s ex-wife) has a new boyfriend, Gonzalo, who lives in her building which is one of the very good reasons that Sorah is dating him. It’s easy and convenient and there’s no walk of shame. Another good reason is his huge penis. I’d love to judge but either of these reasons would probably be good enough for me. But I digress.

Sorah broke up with George because of the previously mentioned cheating with a friend and (because that wasn’t enough) when they started making money, he was getting “too bigger than himself.” I’m sure this is a bad thing but with her accent, I can’t figure it out. Maria brings it back to sex and explains that once you turn 30, you turn into a raging sex cat. Kat laughs and Maria asks why? Is she monogamous? Um, isn’t this supposed to be a group of friends who hang together all the time dictating the Miami social scene? You would think her bestie would know that she’s been with the same guy for well over a decade.

Kat explains that she’s the epitome of monogamy and has been with Ben for thirteen years. He’s a family guy who wants the white picket fence and two kids and a beautiful marriage.

Sorah gives us her two cents on George and Lina and says it isn’t a healthy relationship. Kat thinks he’s still in love with Sorah. Sorah thinks he only dates crazy, shoe-breaking girls like Lina. Maria fixates on what brand of shoes Lina would use to throw at George. Kat would never ruin her shoes for a guy. Kill me.

Mercifully, we cut to Sushi Samba where Hardy is asking Ari to help pull together Puma’s launch of a new golf line at the Gansevoort. For seven hundred people. In four days. But fear not, Hardy! Ari can do anything in Miami! You can call him and he’ll get the job done! “No one is going to go to the Gansevoort in South Beach without rock and roll.” Again, no clue what he’s talking about.

MC and Maria head to a spa and MC says they’re there for a mani/pedi. He asks if the slippers come with a heel. Nope, no big queen here. The two of them get into a discussion about botox – and by discussion I mean that Maria tells MC that he has a lot of lines on his forehead, MC whines and they make a plan to botox together. This is SO exciting. What a unique glimpse into the fascinating social lives of the Miami elite.

MC asks Maria about her daughter Angelika who is thirteen and being shipped off to boarding school in Switzerland. No matter how she spins it, I find it hard to believe that this child is excited about moving thousands of miles away from her parents and that the time they spend apart makes the moments they’re together all the more precious. Don’t believe me? Ask the kid’s shrink. MC is thrilled Maria can pretend she’s childless so that she can be his new single pal around town.

Ari is (man)handling the Puma casting. Infinitely wise, Ari tells us that New York models don’t have tits, everyone from Poland is hot, and guys just have to have a gorgeous ass and that’s it.

Ari grabs a female model and asks (with his big, gay lisp) if they made out once before because he’s made out with thousands of girls but he can’t remember her because he’s sober. What is trying to accomplish here? Is he hoping to make out with her again? Because I’m fairly certain he’s going about it the wrong way. Stick with men, Ari.

Ari used to model but he stopped because doesn’t like being told what to do. He’s young, he’s creative, he’s smart, he’s successful, he’s Ari Stein. I’m not sure what “I’m Ari Stein” means in Miami but in New York it means “I’m the nebbishy guy who your mom keeps trying to set you up with in a desperate attempt to ensure she has grandchildren in this lifetime.”

George is in his important office and calls Lina. He’s leaving work early and wants to go for a run. It’s a nice, normal conversation which can only mean that it’s a precursor to insanity.

They’re back from the run and George loses his mind because Lina had a glass of wine before the run. Now, I don’t think this is normal but I also don’t think it’s cause for losing your shit. She argues that she only had a sip (which doesn’t make it better) and that George can’t tell her what to do because he’s not her father. He says if he was her father he would put her over his knee and spank her (because that’s what father’s do to twenty-something daughters who drink wine before working out) and Lina is clearly turned on. George is very twitchy. I tried to get a screen grab of his twitchiness but it doesn’t translate. You’ll have to trust me on this one.

Lina runs off and reappears in the doorway and announces that “Lina Numbair Two My Name” and asks if there’s anything she can do to cheer him up. Hmm, let’s see. George says they fight all the time but the sex is great. Sadly, he’s concerned whether this is driven by lust or love. I’ll give you one guess.

Kat and Ben are at a client’s estate and Ben is a weenie. They talk about the house and I’m bored. They argue about numbers and math (Kat is not good at these things) and I’m more bored. Ben has to leave because there’s a big game on and football comes right after work in his life. Here’s a hint: If your husband lists work and football as the two most important things in his life and if your wife is looking for more hours in a day to hustle real estate, something is very, very wrong.

MC calls Kat and he needs advice. I thought it would relate to the fact that it’s the middle of the day and he’s in bed with a black mini-poodle type dog, but he actually needs man advice. He gave a guy his number but he never called. Kat suggests he’s waiting the requisite three days so he doesn’t seem too eager. Kat hasn’t dated since the early 1990s and it shows. Heads up, MC – he’s just not that into you.

MC and Kat meet on Ocean Drive (which MC has informed me is cheesy). Kat is wearing a white dress and no bra which MC declares is very Madonna/Lucky Star. I think it’s very Midwest/Trailer Park but that’s just me. (Actually, it’s pretty hot but that’s not nearly as funny. Continue.) MC complains that he got a text asking “boxers or briefs” from a guy who wants to date him. Kat thinks all the texting is pathetic (sing it sister!) and then tells a stunned MC that she and Ben are getting divorced. I. Did. Not. See. That. Coming.

She goes on about how Ben is fantastic and that she hasn’t been there for him emotionally and all the other stuff we tell our friends in front of the cameras when we announce we’re getting divorced on cable television so we don’t look like an asshole. Of course, they’re still going to remain business partners which should work until the moment immediately preceding the moment one of them announces they are dating someone new.

She hasn’t told The Others yet but is going to tell them at the Gansevoort. They toast to new adventures, say goodbye and MC speed dials Maria. Kat and Ben are getting divorced! But don’t tell anyone! She’ll announce at the Gansevoort! What a great friend.

Hardy comes home to a house full of squealing girls who are getting ready for the Puma party. He and Trix have been dating for six years and it’s tumultuous but he simply can’t live without her.

Hardy has to get ready for the night so he’ll just meet the girls at the Gans. And then my cable gets all wonky. Either that or Bravo is doing some sort of weird freeze frame montage of Hardy getting ready, walking out the door and shmoozing at the Gans. I cannot tell if this is supposed to make me think that Hardy is impressive or douchey. I’m going with douchey. Just to be safe.

Ari is at the Gans setting everything up. And by setting everything up, I mean yelling at his assistants who are trying to recreate a picnic scene. There’s an argument over how much lettuce two picnicking people would eat followed by another Ari-ism: When people are in love they get fat. Which is actually true.

Back at Chez Hardy/Trix and Trix is trying to convince us (read: herself) that she TOTALLY trusts Hardy. Even though there are times where she doesn’t know what he’s doing and he’s around a lot of women, and even though the first two years of the relationship were great but the second two were miserable, she knows he comes home to her. That and every bartender and doorman in all of South Florida knows her and if Hardy is doing something he shouldn’t be doing, she gets a text message like that. (Insert stupid snap.) Ah, trust. The foundation of all great/miserable relationships. Then she burns her head with a curling iron. Which she deserved.

Trix walks into the party and assaults Hardy. Grabbing his face, she demands to know if he likes her dress. Twice.

Ari is demanding that a fat girl be removed from his table. I think he calls her tarantula hips or tarantula hair. I was not aware that tarantulas were known for wide hips or less-then-stellar hair. Good to know. Hardy is trying to do his job while dodging the repeated “Baby!s” that Trix shrieks at him. Hardy tells us that his job is the worst job to have if you’re in a relationship (I think that award should go to hooker or stripper and not club promoter but what do I know) and that to say Trix gets jealous from time to time would be an understatement. Wait, didn’t she just say she trusted him? Ooh, plot twist.

George and Lina show up and Ari says he heard about her and that she likes to fight. It’s so they can have the good sex. It’s like ooh I hate you and then oh yeah baby! George seems uncomfortable. So am I.

The next day Lina is off to New York to show a condo for her boss. George calls her hotel and is told that no one with her name has checked in or is scheduled to check in. He calls her cell phone and gets a recording in French. I don’t know a lick of the language but sacre bleu! Something is going down.

MC has a crush on his trainer and demands that Kat works out with them so they can get to the bottom of it. (Ha! See what I did there?) They head to the beach to meet hottie trainer Mark and Kat is all over the guy like he’s already MC’s boyfriend. So this is the famous Mark? I’ve heard SO much about you. This embarrassment is followed by less-than-clever innuendo involving leg spreading and getting on your knees. Enough!

MC starts talking about being single in Miami and Mark (rather quickly and with a touch of contempt if I’m not mistaken) announces that he’s not single. (Deflation everywhere.) As MC licks his wounds, Kat repeats it for good measure. “Mark is not single.” Thanks, friend. Just to make it worse, Mark has been with the guy for three years and they live together and he just could not imagine being a gay single man in Miami! Dios Mio! (I’m trilingual.)

George calls Sorah because he needs to talk. Who better to ask for advice about your current relationship than your ex-wife who divorced you because you cheated on her. He runs through the current drama with Lina like a girl: Lina said her boss needed her in New York. She called when she got there, said she was lonely and told me that she missed me and then her cell phone died. I called the hotel but Lina hadn’t checked in and wasn’t scheduled to check in. I called her cell and got a recording in French that said the call couldn’t be completed. I left a message asking her what the hell is going on. She finally sent me a text saying her boss made her spend the weekend on a yacht in St. Bart’s in order to entertain clients and if she didn’t she would have been fired. She didn’t tell me the truth because she knows I would get upset. Doesn’t that make perfect sense?

Someone please check George for a vagina.

Fortunately, Sorah is a wise one, tells him it’s bullshit and uses it as an opportunity to tell him how awful his lying, cheating girlfriend really is and that they bring out the worst in each other. George tells her he’s trying hard not to screw it up they way he screwed everything up with Sorah. Sorah suggests he be by himself for awhile but none of that goose/gander thing for her – she’s off to meet up with her conveniently-located, well-endowed boyfriend. See ya, Georgina!

Sorah is late to see Gonzalo and kisses him too much as an apology. To add insult to injury, she repeats the whole story to Gonzo. As though he might have any interest in his girlfriend’s ex-husband’s relationship. Gonzo finally wakes up and realizes that the only way that Sorah could have come across this fascinating information was to have had a conversation with George. She explains that George comes to her with his problems and is Gonzo okay with it. Um, sure. She tells us that her friendship with George has ruined all of her other relationships and hopes that Gonzo doesn’t freak out about it too. No, of course not.

Back at the Gans on a non-Puma afternoon. Kat walks in and MC calls her desperately seeking Susan. What’s with the inaccurate Madonna references? Sorah tells everyone that she’s bringing Gonzo to MC’s party, MC can’t wait and George most definitely can. Maria says that she heard a crazy story about Lina and forces George to retell the embarrassing saga of his lying, cheating, Russian hottie, and everyone else forces him to defend his relationship. George says it’s a roller coaster relationship and he has to decide what he’s going to do but oops. Have to leave. I have a meeting at 8 PM. We don’t believe you Georgie.

MC and Maria are gossiping about everyone and MC declares that he likes sexy people but that Ari is not sexy. Ari turns parakeet and starts drooling over his own reflection. MC says he’s a bitch and it’s not sexy when you’re a guy. News flash. It’s not sexy when you’re a girl.

Ben shows up and remarks that he got a chilly reception. Which doesn’t make the chilly reception any less awkward. At all. Ari starts spewing about how pretty Kat and Ben are (I hear you on the former but WTF on the latter) and laments about how awful it would be to be an ugly girl. He is on the verge of tears. I mean, it’s okay to be an ugly guy but an ugly girl? How depressing! You wake up everyday knowing you’re ugly! Right before Ari’s ugly-induced nervous breakdown, Kat and Ben announce that they’re going to split up.

Ari asks them what they mean. Ooh, good question. What does it mean to say that you are splitting up? The pretty (former) pair explain that they’ve been together for 13 years and they’ve made a mutual decision to end it. They’re totally at peace and have great respect for each other blah, blah, blah. MC toasts to being single in Miami and everyone laughs. Everyone one other than Ben and Kat, that is.

Cut to George’s “meeting” and he’s on the phone with Lina who is at the airport. She asks if he is going to come pick her up. And cliffhanger. Tune in next week where I’m willing to bet Georgie hauls ass to MIA and we can finally confirm the existence of his aforementioned vagina.