So, Gasmii . . . it’s getting a bit better, no? Nothing like fellatio and a little fake pregnancy to get me interested. Right now, my hopes are pinned on Lina and Ari to keep us going. Without them, it’s just Hardy not marrying, MC not dating, Kat not not-working and Maria not parenting, and I’m going to need a lot more than that to keep me awake every Tuesday at 10.
But we can’t actually see the lines . . .
Kat and her intern, little sister Camille, pull up to a client’s house. The owner is Edmundo and they’re trying to convince him to sell his home because Kat has a buyer. Ed looks like a young Spanish Nick Nolte (before he went crazy) and talks kind of like Andre the Giant with a Desi Arnaz accent.
Anybody want a peanut?
He doesn’t want to sell the house because he and his wife, a Kat look-alike, are very comfortable. Kat tells him he should only become attached to his wife and kids, not real estate. Um, those who can’t do, teach? So even though Ed doesn’t want to sell this house, he’ll consider it for top dollar – $7.9M. Then he suggests that Kat push his other house on the buyer and they take off in Ed’s boat to visit it. Kat is wearing some sort of couture straight jacket, a pencil skirt and stilettos – perfect boat attire. Of course, while on the boat, we get another person’s opinion of Kat’s overworked lifestyle. If I’m annoyed by all of this, I can’t imagine how she deals with it.
I get it Bravo. Now can you please move your oversized logo so I might be able to read your captions?
Ed gives Kat all of the many reasons that she should push this second house on the buyer and Kat ignores him. She loves to work and she’s passionate about it. It sounds like her ad for a video dating service.
MC and Maria are out for dinner and only MC is allowed to talk. He toasts to Maria’s daughter being away at school and to bringing out Kat’s inner whore. Except that Maria still has no idea who this Kat person is so I can’t imagine she’d care about her, much less her inner anything. MC is boring himself so he calls Kat and George to find out where they are. Kat sends him straight to voicemail and George is too dumb not to answer the phone.
George says he’s with his girlfriend which confuses Maria who thought they broke up. George says that they’re working on things. And by working on things, he means screaming and beating the crap out of each other. Since George is not permitted to speak on the phone alone, Lina chimes in that she almost killed George and knows all about his hang out last weekend with the Lina look-alike. Refusing to miss any drama, MC and Maria invite themselves to Casa Crazy after dinner.
I am repelled and fascinated at the same time.
Maria is then permitted to talk but only because she’s about to share salacious gossip. Apparently, Maria was at George’s apartment over the weekend and he was half-naked and in bed with Jazmin, the Lina look-alike. MC does not question why George would invite Maria to his home while half-naked with a new lady friend but merely declares George needy. George insisted he didn’t sleep with Jaz but MC and Maria are appalled he would even be in the same bed as her on the same night he broke up with Lina. What ever happened to the best way to get over someone was to get under someone else?
Sorah is webcamming with Gonzo. Because of the crappy connection, he gets the same stop-motion treatment as Hardy. Is it just me or does this guy look like Bert?
Sorah calls him Bobo or Momo or Homo – it’s hard to hear – and there’s some cute back and forth about how they miss each other. Bert wants to know what Sorah is wearing and she is gracious enough to stand up and focus the webcam on her crotch. Bert responds by pulling his lips out and back like he’s having clay molds of his teeth made and says “just for you.” I don’t want to know what kind of sex games these two play if this is the face that’s supposed to turn her on.
George and Lina are cooking dinner when MC and Maria show up and Lina is manhandling a chef’s knife. MC comments on it and says he heard something once and Lina denies whatever secret code MC is talking in. Maria is not amused.
See? Not amused.
George drags MC off to his closet (and I would have paid a dollar to see the conversation between Maria and Lina instead) and shows him that Lina slashed his entire wardrobe with a knife. He’s down to two pairs of jeans. Nice jeans, according to MC, which probably makes George feel really good. Apparently, one night after drinking too much, Lina passed out and George made the mistake of leaving the apartment. When he got back, slash city.
And you still allow this woman to handle cutlery in your apartment?
Everyone is back in the kitchen and Lina has put down her weapon. MC asks her if she moved out on Saturday just to move back in. She explains that she’s already moved out a hundred times. George’s meager defense is that he never asked her to move out. Pussy. MC continues to whine that Lina wasn’t at his party and makes a remark about Jaz being there instead. Lina decides that maybe she and George will see each other a little less now. Why is George always the last to know?
And you didn’t see the break up coming?
MC is happy with that because now they’ll see more of Jaz. [Note to Jaz: Go away. Go very far away.] Lina is working her mouth like a meth addict, does not think this is “fucking funny asshole” and storms out of the apartment. We hear glass breaking in the hall but I’m willing to bet that it was Bravo’s doing and not Lina’s.
Did anyone purchase the Sudafed?
Kat is driving her client, Michael, to the house that Ed wants to sell which unfortunately is not the one that Michael wants to buy. They pull up to the house and Michael refuses to get out. It doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t have presence. And it has an air conditioner on the roof. Yeah, I can see how Kat would LOVE this.
You don’t like the front door? Okay. We’ll leave. I’m so good at my job.
Kat drives Michael to Ed’s other house – the one he doesn’t want to sell. Michael is thrilled. It’s much better and much more to his taste. Kat weakly points out that you can even see the first, non-presence-having house a little tiny bit if you crane your neck. And stand on one foot. And lean over really far. You might have thought to play up the qualities of the other house. While. You. Were. At. The. Other. House. Kat explains that Ed is emotionally attached to the much better house but Michael is no fool. He offers cash! And says he’ll close in 30 days! Never mind that he offers $5.8M! Everyone loves cash! Even if it’s thirty percent less than you want for a house you’re not really interested in selling any way. Why is Kat wearing such a cheesy shirt?
Yeah. I got it over there. At Bebe. On sale.
Everyone is at the Gans for their weekly fake meeting and everyone has clothing issues. Kat is wearing flannel which makes her sweaty. George threatens to take off his jeans which Sorah indicates would reveal a teeny, tiny penis (hand gesture included). And someone in production must love Hardy because we get a gratuitous close up of him stripping down and jumping into the pool.
Everyone starts telling Sorah how great Bert is. Isn’t it a nice change? He’s so much calmer than George. And since he’s a doctor, he knows exactly how to please a woman and knows how to touch two places at once. Look, I didn’t go to medical school and I have minimal interest in learning how to please a woman, but even I know how to touch two places at once. The bar must be set pretty low in Miami.
This is how I do it.
This is how Bert does it.
Sorah then goes on with something about mouths and breasts and fingers. I have no idea what she’s talking about but this is making George and me very uncomfortable.
Yeah, this is totally someone I want going down on me.
Trix shows up dressed for cheesy tennis porn. She has a conversation with Maria about shipping her kid to boarding school and Trix says she was sent away at thirteen also because she was a bad kid. Once again, Maria explains that this was Angelika’s choice. That she chose to go away to boarding school. In Switzerland. When she was seven.
Maria and MC then rehash the Friday night fight at Casa Crazy. They get to the part where Maria sees half-naked George in bed with Jaz and George denies sleeping with her. Then he says there were like thirty people in his bed. Which somehow makes it better. Maria mocks the relationship saying that Lina knows he slept with Jaz but she doesn’t care and will always get back with him because that’s what they do. George asks Maria to kindly mind her own fucking business and Maria tells George not to invite her to his party and let his girlfriend call MC a fucking asshole. Except that Maria and MC invited themselves. And what “party” has a total of four people? Maria tells him to fuck Lina and have psychotic babies. Because permanently, psychologically damaged children are what’s missing from this show.
Well, a child other than mine.
Since he hasn’t been beaten down enough, Sorah tells George that everyone – including their doorman (ooh, low blow) – thinks that Lina is crazy. George says that Sorah is crazy. Kat says they should all worry about themselves. Hardy says George is a big boy (and is secretly pleased that someone has a more messed up relationship than he does). Sorah just wants George to be happy and Ari needs to know if his hair looks okay.
When are we going to talk about me again?
Then we are subjected to Trix and Hardy’s workout and I’m not sure why. It’s supposed to demonstrate either that Hardy isn’t focused on Trix or that Trix is desperate and whiny or that Ari is a self-centered asshole. Duly noted. I don’t need a scene with Trix in spandex. Thanks.
Ari needs to check up on a monstrosity of a desk that’s being specially carved just for him. For the past eight months. He looks like Reservoir Dogs in sneakers.
Well, hello, Mr. Lavender.
And then we are tortured with visions of the most hideous, whittled creation in the history of man. It has columns and lions and Ari is not nearly satisfied since there are no diamonds in the lion’s eyes and no amethysts in the angel’s eyes. You know, because his name means lions and angels. Ariel is a lion and the angels protect him. He feels good about the desk because it’s his name. Typical Ari-nonsense.
Thank you for poking my eyes out so I do not have to see you. Now if you could just jab an ice pick through my eardrums . . .
To add insult to injury, there are only five stars on the desk and Ari will need six. Five is not enough. Six is him. He always needs one more. Than five.
I’m this many.
Ari continues to romance the desk. It’s the best desk in the world and no one – not even Donald Trump or the Macintosh guy or the Sultan of Brunei – can have a desk like this desk. Yes, this is because each of them have taste. Ari looks to the designer and asks if he can picture Ari having sex on the desk? You know, just bringing someone over, throwing everything off and going crazy with him? Or her? Or whatever in between? Can’t you picture it?
Um, no sir, I’d rather not.
Ben and Kat are driving and talking to Ed, trying to convince him to accept an offer that is thirty percent less than the minimum amount he would accept for the house he doesn’t want to sell. Ed says he’s not interested unless Kat comes with the offer. His wife would kill him for accepting such a low amount. Never mind the fact that she might kill you for wanting to accept Kat instead of cash.
This episode brought to you by oversized, trendy sunglasses.
Kat asks Ben what he’s been up to and he graciously offers that he spent the weekend in the Keys. At a bachelor party. Kat wants to know how many strippers he met but Ben is smart enough to not tell her. Of course, he also tells her that he wouldn’t tell her the truth anyway which moves him further down on the ‘not smart’ scale. Kat doesn’t care anyway. Except that she does, because why would you ask, and I’m proud of Ben for calling her out on it and telling her she’s full of shit.
No, really. I don’t care. Even though I asked. Twice.
Even though George and Sorah are divorced and involved with other people, they still think it’s a really good idea to go to dinner. Sorah asks about the latest with Lina, and George proceeds to show her bite marks that he received as a direct result of the dinner they’re now enjoying.
Isn’t love funny?
George wants to change the topic and asks about Gonzo. Sorah chides him for calling him “Gonzo” and says she doesn’t call him that. No, she calls him Bobo or Momo or Homo instead which is SO much better. George says that his best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who’s going with this girl that saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night that Bert was the best lover that Sorah ever had. Specifically, that Bert went down on her forever. Sorah denies it but when George asks if he went down on her longer than Bert, she doesn’t confirm.
You know, it really is as small as I remember.
George is into self-mutilation and asks Sorah to rate her relationship with Bert on a scale from one to ten. Ten is in love and one is you just met the guy. Sorah gives him three emphatic “tens”. Cue spit take.
I did not see that coming.
Sorah hopes George finds someone the same way that she found someone. This pisses off George because one, he’s drunk, and two, it means that “indirectly, you’re passively saying that you hope I meet someone else.” Actually, she’s being quite direct and non-passive.
So you’re saying there’s a chance.
Maria is webcamming with her daughter. At a coffee shop. She has enough money to pay for a boob job but not wi-fi? Naturally, since her daughter is half-way around the world at boarding school, her first question is about Angelika’s clothes. Sadly, Angelika needs tights. Question two is about school but when Angelika starts complaining that she may not be doing well in art, mom needs to know if she met any boys. On second thought, boarding school was probably a good idea for this kid.
And it’s time for another fake dinner at the Gans. Everyone is there but Lina, the Russian tailor, who is working late. And by “working late,” I’m sure they mean “having sex for money.” George is wearing a pair of his slashed jeans and decides he’s going to start a clothing line – Jeans by Lina. At least something good should come from this. He leaves for a meeting and MC and Ari fight over who owns Kat. MC says Kat is his because he wrote her wedding story and Ari says she belongs to him because he’s better looking.
MC turns his attention to Hardy and wants to know about his relationship with Trix. Are they getting married? Hardy is afraid to ruin a good thing but Trix may be on a different time line. Gee, you think? He doesn’t want to mess everything up and he doesn’t want to feel pressured. It’s tough because all of his friends have babies and he’s not ready for babies. Ari, or Queen Inappropriate as I would like to call him, then asks if he and Trix wear condoms. Kudos to Hardy for not popping Ari in the jaw. Instead he walks away leaving Ari to wonder what in the world he said wrong.
Was it something I said?
Kat is talking to MC about her new project – fixing Ari. Because she clearly has enough hours in the day to devote to this hopeless cause. She is working with Ari and working on how they say things to people. She feels like she can get through to him even though he seems so far out there. Deep down he can’t be that bad, can he?
Yes, he can.
Kat’s mom and sister are talking about the Campins Company. Camille is overwhelmed and worried that she’s going to eat, live and sleep real estate like Kat does. Ben and Kat walk in so the whole team can harass Kat and Ben asks Camille what she’s going to do when she graduates. Anything other than becoming exactly like Kat, thank you very much. Kat says it’s very hard to be a wife, a mother, to run a business, have a social life and take care of two dogs. Ben points out that she only does one of these things. Today, I love Ben.
Lina and George are having lunch. George is hungover and Lina is tired and nauseous. Lina says that she saw Sorah and Bert and that they’re totally in love. And a little part of George dies. Because these two are completely dysfunctional, Lina mocks and says that George is jealous. George blows it off but denial ain’t just a river my friend. George says that Lina and Sorah could become best friends now but Lina is smart enough to know this is a bad idea because then Lina would know all of his secrets. He insists he doesn’t have any and that he’s an open book. Which I hope means that he’s hiding something dirty and awesome.
Well, something other than a drinking problem.
Maria and MC are at MC’s house in order to prove that MC has an actual job. It involves writing pithy lines like “Nicky Hilton may design her clothing line, Chick, but this chick won’t be designing her wedding gown.” Pointless and moving on.
Kat and Hardy are engaged in Fix Ari Stage One. They take him out to dinner to teach him that there are different ways to deliver your thoughts so you don’t offend others. A nice sentiment but one that will probably be lost on someone with the brain of a hamster.
No offense little dude.
Kat and Hardy order the miso soup but Ari can’t eat because he’s going out and doesn’t want to bloat. Ari complains that he’s overweight by three or four pounds. That’s not overweight, that’s water weight. Take a couple of Diurex like the rest of us. Kat says Ari isn’t overweight and that it’s a slap in the face to people who really are. Ari counters with “there are good looking fat people!” and wants to forget the fat issue because he’s seen fucking amazing fat girls. I fail to see the connection.
I’m not fat. Just fluffy.
Ari then tells us that he has a clothing line coming out (which will probably not be carried by Lane Bryant) but that’s not his ultimate goal. He wants to have an empire of everything but Kat says he’ll never be successful at anything then. Untrue! I’ve done everything! And Kat nearly spits out her drink. Ari then rattles off everything that his five siblings do (including karate hairstylist and professional rollerblader) which means the he can do all of these things by virtue of osmosis. Or the transitive property. Or whatever theory it is that says you can do whatever people around you do and talk about. He can also fly off a sixteen-foot half-pipe. I’m not sure what that entails but I would love to see Ari fly off of something. Preferably a cliff.
Introducing Octo-Ari. How many fingers are there?
Hardy would pay to see that. “Actually, I’d like to take you and cream your ass. Then I’ll look at the gay little bitch you are, falling off a 16-foot half pipe because you can’t do it.” Yeah, deep down this is a really good guy. When Hardy says he’ll only do it if Ari was nice, Ari objects that he is very nice to every single person who comes across his path.
I’m SO nice! Unless you’re fat or ugly.
Kat tells Ari that he judges people which he adamantly denies and Kat and Hardy come up with twelve ways to tell Ari that he’s a good person who should probably think before he speaks. I think Ari is a vapid asshole who wouldn’t know good if it hit him on the head but that’s just me. Ari says that a lot of people think he’s obnoxious when they first meet him (ding, ding, ding) but they end up falling in love with him. It’s true.
Except it’s not.
Kat’s company is having an open house at a client’s loft and all of her dear friends show up. Because they were paid to. She introduces her mom to Ari who fails to say anything offensive. Maybe dinner worked. Mom then meets George and can tell he’s a womanizer. His punishment is that he’s going to fall for a woman who won’t give him the time of day. His mouth says Lina but his heart says Sorah – which we know because of the many Sorah-centric close-ups we’re forced to endure. Georgina sips half of a shot which causes him to do a half running man and everyone starts leaving.
Alcohol tastes icky. Can I get a cosmo?
George runs up to Sorah and asks if she’s going to leave also. Debate ensues about which one of them is going home and which one is going to the Gans and finally Sorah breaks free and goes home. Cut to George doing (read: sipping) shots with another trashy blond. She apologizes for allowing him to get her all drunk and then letting some other guy take advantage of his work. Some other guy turns out to be Ari. Oh, the humanity. George twitches.
Oh George, you don’t know the meaning of twitch. Cut to Lina in the bathroom with a positive (or so we’re led to believe) pregnancy test. Yay! Psychotic babies! She calls a Russian friend, tells her she’s pregnant but that she hasn’t told George and doesn’t know how he’s going to react. If this man has half a brain, he’ll throw an RU-486 down her throat and run.
How fast can I get that prescription filled?
Next week: Lina tells George he’s going to be a daddy, Maria has eye surgery (she really does have all the interesting plot lines), Ben wants to get Kat’s shit out of his house and Lina does something to George that he can’t believe she would do. I’ll take “Fake A Pregnancy” for $1000, Alex.
Until we recap again (and I can stop googling things like meth ingredients, diuretics and abortion pill),