Or the Golden Cooter. Or whatever Lina is stashing between her legs. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but we’re down to the last episode before the finale of this lovable little trainwreck. After enduring four weeks of little more than nothing, I’m excited to report that this week . . . um, we got more of the same. Come on Bravo! I want a finale revolving around George and Lina. I mean as exciting as signing divorce papers or getting hair plugs is, I need more. I want knives and lies and faked medical procedures! I want drunken fights and accents I can’t understand! Is that really too much too ask?
If I lean in very slowly, you’ll hardly feel the knife.
Lina comes home to her wife, Georgina. He worked. He cleaned. He played with his vagina. Have you no shame, man?
I have no shame, man.
Georgina tells Lina that he got texts about her. She tells him that she always gets texts about him. First of all, way to deflect, and second of all, not a text like the one Georgina got. Except given Georgina’s questionable anatomy, I wouldn’t put a fake pregnancy and a pretend miscarriage past him. Although I imagine it has more to do with editing than anything else, he has to ask her three times if she had an abortion. “What do you think? I’m a fucking liar?” Uh, yes, that’s exactly what I think. I’ve seen your work in “I Didn’t Tell You I Was Going to St. Bart’s on Business For Your Own Good” and “I Would Like to Introduce Your Wardrobe to My Knife.” Although the latter doesn’t make her a liar, it does make her a psychotic lunatic and maybe, just maybe, someone who would fake a pregnancy and/or miscarriage.
I’m bored. When is the sex?
Lina tries “honesty” and says that maybe she does need Georgina’s attention. Of course, this doesn’t answer the question as to what exactly she did to get such attention. Fake a pregnancy? Make up a miscarriage? Lie about an abortion? But these things are of no import to Georgina and he compares her to a little dog. He keeps trying to pet her and make nice but she keeps jumping up and biting him. Note to Georgina: Lina is no poodle. The bitch is a boa constrictor and she is going to squeeze the life out of you.
Get out. The call is coming from inside the house.
Georgina starts to question their relationship but Lina distracts him with promises of cooter bliss. First, she wants him to “night night” her. (And thoughts of Georgina tucking Lina into bed just made me throw up in my mouth.) Second, she wants dessert and promises to make it worth Georgina’s while. Can someone please explain to me what road to nirvana this chick is hiding between her thighs? Is there someone out there who has had sex with her who can tell me what she does that has caused this man to cut off his own balls, tie them up in a bow and hand them to her for sakfekeeping?
A little less crack and you could probably draw on eyebrows that look like eyebrows.
Georgina knows that people think he’s crazy for going back to her but she’s like a drug and he’s addicted. Like crack, I’m sure Lina will eventually kill him but unlike crack, I kind of see her doing it with a machete.
First, we eye fuck. Then, I kill you.
Hardy and Trix are having dinner at Philippe Chow (seriously, is there just one restaurant in Miami?) and decide to focus on a going-nowhere relationship other than their own. (And yes, even though they were all sorts of cute and momentarily adorable during this episode, I’m going out on a limb with “going nowhere.”) Hardy tells Trix that Lina was pregnant and now she isn’t. And even Trix, who (again, limb going here) doesn’t strike me as the smartest person I’ve never met, questions whether or not Lina was ever pregnant to being with. Speaking of questions, how does this woman claim that she’s thirty-one years old? She looks like the crypt keeper with makeup. Or a mid-50s, chain-smoking, pill-popping, alcoholic housewife.
Where are my Pall Malls?
There’s another five minutes of pretend dinner conversation, including the part where production asks Hardy to not-awkwardly-at-all mention the fact that Trix once had a miscarriage and the part where they say sweet things to each other. But he’ll have dumped her ass by the time the finale airs so I’m not going into it.
Kat shows up at MC’s house to get ready for Bringing Out Katrina’s Inner Whore. Fortunately, she’s wearing trashy lingerie so she’s already halfway there.
Walking around with my hand up my ass should work, right?
Kat hasn’t been out since she and Ben split but she’s just focused on work and what she wants to achieve and that certainly isn’t going out until four in the morning. Because there’s no middle ground between drinking until sunrise and working yourself into social oblivion.
Yes. I definitely need more makeup.
Speaking of nightwear, MC shows up in a T-shirt that’s supposed to be cool by the virtue of the fact that it has the Harley Davidson logo all over it but it definitely looks like underwear.
I thought the gays were better than this.
And they’re out the door to slut it up.
Is my BumpIt straight?
MC, Kat and Maria are out at a club and MC wants Kat to stop using work as an excuse for not being social. He asks a guy at the club to go over to talk to “his girlfriend” who is completely single but this confuses the guy who thinks that MC and Kat are some sort of swinging couple. Ugh. My brain hurts at the thought.
Between Michael’s T-shirt and Maria’s pick-up lines, I think Kat would fare much better on her own.
Kat shuts down every guy who walks over to the table by either telling them she’s married or suggesting they date Maria. She’s not thinking about dating because (did you know this??) she was with someone for thirteen years! She’s not ready to date and wants to be alone.
Prediction: Kat will not be alone for long.
Sorah comes home to Bert and announces that she hates George. Apparently, she owns the apartment that Lina and George are currently living in and contaminating with venereal disease and bad karma. She wants to sell the place and have nothing to do with them anymore. None of this sits well with Bert who can’t understand why they’re all wrapped up together. It’s called “Miami Social” buddy and it’s the reason you have food on the table.
Frankie Say Relax.
Sorah promises she’s done with the drama and ready to move on. For the sake of her relationship with Bert, I hope so.
Woo hoo! We’re at the Gans. MC and Maria meet up to watch Sorah embarrass George. As much as I like Sorah, her choice of going after him in front of the others? Not so much. Hey Georgina. You know the condo that you live in that I own? Control your girlfriend because she’s a liability and I’m tired of her putting holes in the apartment. Keep in mind, Sorah, George no longer possesses testicles so attempting to emasculate him at this time is pointless.
I wonder where Lina is. I miss her.
Two points: George focusing on the fact that he has repaired all Lina-caused damage in the apartment so Sorah should get over it seems to be besides the point. Let’s focus on the fact that your girlfriend, in a fit of rage, MAKES HOLES IN WALLS. As to MC declaring that this thing with George is now a situation? Lina lying about New York City was a situation. Cutting up entire wardrobes and faking a pregnancy? I think we’re well beyond a situation.
MC says that he wants to marry a doctor because they’re smart and they’re busy and not down his throat all the time. Um, just because they’re a doctor doesn’t mean they’re not down your throat all the time. Trust me. (How did they all miss this softball?) George leaves for another mysterious evening appointment and is replaced by Kat and Hardy.
Apparently someone at Bravo lost a bet to someone at Operation Smile because not only did NYC Brats dedicate its finale to the arrogance and condescension of Jessie the Troll as she planned a fundraiser for them, but Hardy is pulling one together also. He likes this charity because he grew up with buck teeth and the kids at school called him Chippy the Chipmunk and that’s SO just like having a cleft palate or a cleft lip and not having the money to afford to fix it.
Yeah. I’m sure it was a tough childhood.
Everyone starts complaining about how windy it is and MC calls them out for being a bunch of pussies. Kat is offended by such vulgarity and Sorah announces she has one. In case anyone was wondering.
Show of hands – who else has a pussy?
MC is going on his date with Super Diego. He calls Sorah who is, of course, super curious and thinks that Super Diego is super excited. MC is just getting nervouser and nervouser. But fear not! Super Diego bounds down the stairs with a Hardy-worthy soundtrack.
Looks like Hardy has competition in production.
MC is pleased that Super Diego is better looking than he remembered but the two of them are dressed the same which I guess is one of the hazards of gay-dating. They head to Sushi Samba (yay for another restaurant in the Miami area) and toast to their week anniversary. Yes, it’s been a week since they met and haven’t even been on one date yet so it’s important to mark this momentous occasion.
It’s nice to know that tortuous first dates are just as common in the gay world as the straight world. The boys talk about Japan, work, Bert, Sorah and sitting on each other’s laps. Then Super Diego asks if MC wants to sit next to him and MC looks as uncomfortable as I feel. “Just for one second,” Super requests. MC pulls the grade school “oops – one second is up” but sacrifices a bit of dignity and crawls over to the other side of the table. He is then treated to an awkward hug, a little tickle and the date-ending (as far as I’m concerned) cheek pinch.
Pull this on me and you’re pulling back two stumps.
For some reason, MC doesn’t dart out of the restaurant but suggests the two of them go home, watch a movie and whatever happens, happens. Oh, MC, you’re so much better than this guy.
George is wasted, crammed into the back of a car with “George’s Friend” Lizette, and headed out to a bar. Lizette asks him difficult questions like “why are you with Lina” and he has a litany of good reasons but he’s not going to share them with her because it’s midnight.
I totally know the answer. But if you don’t know, I’m not going to tell you.
George explains that he and Lina got into another fight over the abortion texts and he can’t forget what she did but he wants to. So he drinks a bottle of vodka. Great idea.
And after I finish this, I’m going to call Lina and tell her what I think of her.
MC meets up with Sorah and Kat to tell them about his date with Super Diego. The boys met at 2:00 on Sunday so MC suggested Sushi and Sake. Do gays always name their dates? Like Tacos and Tequila? Or Bowling and Brews? Not that I can imagine MC slamming down a PBR and throwing a bowling ball. Just asking.
Bowling? What’s that?
Anyhoo, they went our for Sushi and Sake and then back to MC’s apartment for Wine and Whine. He was even cool when Super Diego left in the morning. Sorah asked if he gave up the cooch and he said ‘not all of them.” Um, which part? Twig? Berries? What’s up?
Kat calls him a slutty slut but MC corrects her and says he’s a fun slut. Not dirty slutty like Ariel.
Speak of the dirty slutty devil.
Ari walks in wearing Tom Ford and Dolce and Prada which is important. MC totally looks him up and down. Ari is mesmerized by shiny objects like his camera and phone but finds the time to ask MC about the rumors that he’s dating someone new. How small is Miami? Didn’t Super Diego leave Chez MC that morning?
Yes, I’m judging you.
Ari is a little jealous that MC met a nice man but only wants to know if MC slept with him. MC isn’t like Ari and doesn’t give it away right away. (Not all of it anyway.) MC says that if you keep giving away your cookie, it gets old. And flappy. Which is the worst metaphor in the history of the world. You should use words like soggy. And crumbly.
Ari strikes back by asking if Super Diego has a green card. As though this might be the super sneaky reason Super Diego is interested in MC. Note to Ari: Gay marriage? Not recognized in Florida. Carry on.
MC pretends to be interested in Ari’s new fashion line. Ari hired a lead designer and he gave her his vision. Ari has a lot of visions. So wait – this is Ari’s fashion line? But he’s hired a designer to design it? First of all, how pathetic is Ari? Second of all, how desperate is that designer?
Anyway, some designer other than Ari is having this show and Kat is going to be the emcee or something. MC mocks that she’s doing a free endorsement for a friend’s brand although I can’t imagine her being asked to endorse anything other than rubber bracelets and eye shadow.
Coming soon to HSN . . .
Kat and MC meet up with Ari for Kat’s fitting in some back office/basement type place and I’m shocked it passed Ari’s must-be-pleasing-to-the-eye requirements. He introduces Kat and MC to the ACTUAL designer of the clothes and explains that Kat is his vision (ugh, another one) because she’s hot and sexy and owns her own company.
Ari impresses us by saying that all of the fabric is Gucci fabric. Um, say what? It’s made in the same factory where Gucci is made. I’m no fashionista but I’m pretty sure that Saks sells Gucci and Juicy Couture but I’m certainly not going to confuse one with the other. So he forces Kat to throw on the first piece of cheese and it’s fantastic except that Kat’s pussy (what she calls her “personal space”) is all sorts of exposed.
This so screams successful business owner.
I can’t tell if Kat is being honest when she says she loves this crap but like MC said, he can show her all his bullshit but you can’t pull it over on another queen. That shit is tired.
We’re then treated to another tender moment between Hardy and the Crypt Keeper which only confirms my belief that these two are dunzo in a week. They’re making calls to get final donations for the Operation Smile benefit. The Crypt Keeper is very involved.
I love Hardy Hill. Trixia Hill. Trixia Angel Hill.
Hardy thanks the Crypt Keeper for literally being the impetus for him to be involved with the charity. Literally being the impetus? Literally? I would pay to see that.
Even the dog is afraid.
Ari is out with friends (cheers to the beautiful people) and they’re asking about his clothing line and whether or not it’s slutty. Ari is aghast! Slutty! Why would I make something slutty!
Nope. Not slutty.
Except I think I can see your personal space.
Ari considers them masterpieces because he never went to school. Which makes perfect sense. Although why you would have to go to school to think up some “vision” and tell some starving designer about it and have them create it is beyond me. Of course, then calling it a masterpiece is just the next logical step.
Ari’s friends want to know how he funds all of these projects and I think he says that he gets the money from his family once he submits a business plan. But, and here’s the key, the business plan is MATHEMATICAL IN NUMBERS. Of course it is. We’re then reminded that Ari has always had money, and always got what he wanted, and has five million closets all over the world and can never find his clothes. But his parents have forced him to make it on his own and taught him not to take advantage. When is someone starting a charity for this poor boy?
I personally selected this very douchey set and outfit.
MC is home and having a Michael Meltdown. He’s been internet-stalking Super Diego all day and uncovered photos of him on Facebook wearing a cheesy tank top at an unacceptable gay bar. The Super Diego he thinks he is, is not really the Super Diego he is. He’s further dismayed when he finds another photo of him with a sixty-five year old man wearing a T-shirt that says sex.
Pot? I’d like to introduce you to my friend, kettle.
Ooh. Hardy Freeze Frame Montage as he gets ready for the Operation Smile event. Ari shows up and I’m shocked that he would ever attend a charity event but he’s quick to point out that there’s no doorman and the models are ugly and atrocious. It’s nice to see that some things never change.
Just because it’s a charity, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t spend money to get the good models.
The Crypt Keeper is dressed like Gold LamÃ© Barbie and explains to her friends that when she and Hardy get married she is going to dedicate her life to charity work.
I sincerely hope you have a back up plan.
One of her equally deluded friends tells her that she and Hardy together are amazing. It gives her the chills.
Someone forgot their oil-free powder!
Hardy is bent that the only friend that showed up is Ari. I’d be pissed too if that soulless, arrogant fuck darkened the doorway of my charity event but then again, Hardy invited him.
And we’re back at the Gans and MC is complaining about Super Diego. He thinks Super Diego is part of this gay world that MC just doesn’t like. They’re pretentious, look at me, I’m a Muscle Mary. Last week was all sorts of bliss and this week the other shoe is dropping and it’s not Prada. Really? How about a little practice what you preach baby?
Ari shows up smelling good (which he knows) and he’s looking for George. Which gives everyone reason to start shit-talking George. Sorah needs “an advice” because she wants to sell the condo. It’s messing up her relationship with Bert. So she asks six times and everyone tells her to sell the condo. Which she already knew. But needed to talk about in order to get 44 minutes out of a whole lot of nothing.
Hardy asks Sorah why she and George ended things because she seems like such a lovely young lady (when did Hardy become my Great Uncle Hy?) and why would anyone ever want to break up with . . . And here Ari jumps in with “George” because “basic comprehension” is on the bottom of the list of Ari’s interpersonal skills. Um, so, no. Why would anyone break up with Sorah?
I’m going to respond to you as soon as I figure out why you’re making fun of me.
Sorah explains that George never grew up and she did. Ari still can’t understand why they didn’t work out since George is so hot. Everyone exhausts themselves trying to explain to Ari that looks aren’t everything. “You don’t think I know that??”
Um, no. I don’t think that you really do.
Ari then tells everyone that his life is great and that everyone should be as lucky as him. You know what? As long as ignorance is bliss, he’s absolutely correct. He goes on that he lives such a great life and he lives his dreams (or hires others to live them for him) and does everything he wants to do. Ari then threatens to get really drunk and go home with MC and tells us he’s a real tiger in bed. Gag.
Do you like my suspenders?
Then we’re treated to a total throwaway scene where MC is cooking dinner for Maria. We are told, yet again, that MC has not been a successful dater. How about some new info? Like Kat works too much? Or Ari is self-centered? Or Lina is the devil incarnate with a cooch made of gold?
Kat is late to meet her family for dinner to celebrate her father’s 65th birthday. She has a migraine from listening to herself talk.
That makes two of us.
Dad asks Kat if she invited Ben to the birthday dinner. I’m going with “no” for two reasons. First, Ben would be her ex-husband and one of the immediate (and most exciting, I would imagine) benefits of being an ex is that you don’t have to spend your nights having dinner with your in-laws. Second, check out the table. Everyone is already eating and there are only four place settings. Not sure where you intend to cram tiny Ben, dad.
I bet Kat never gets tired of hearing this from her parents.
Woo hoo! Time for “Ari’s” fashion show. MC and Maria show up and ask Ari what the hell he is wearing. He proclaims that it’s humble.
Is that a lariat?
Ari is having an aneurysm because Kat hasn’t shown up yet. He is quite possibly on the verge of tears and I’m enjoying it far more than I should. He then greets his models and let’s them know that he hates the clapping at the end of the show. For those of you who have worked with him, you know that he will just murder you if you clap. Worked with him? In his many other fashion shows?
Kat finally shows up and is ready to introduce (read: spew bullshit about) Ari and his fashion line. Except that she should probably stick to real estate or some other job that doesn’t require the reading of cue cards. She then mentions Cassandra Youngs (I think) and does a twirl saying that Cass designed the dress she’s wearing. Um, aren’t we at the Ariel Raphael Fashion Show? Haven’t we spent the entire episode making fun of the fact that he thinks he’s the designer?
Don’t you love the dress I’m wearing that was designed by someone other than the designer that I’m introducing to you who is the one who is actually having this show and not the person who actually designed it?
And the fashion show starts. There are a bunch of bathing suits, some men in underwear (no complaints) and cheesy babydoll dresses. Of course, the highlight is the model in the gold lamÃ© bikini who got to show off her personal space.
Tell it to someone who cares.
Aside from Kat’s hiccup at the intro and Ari’s meltdown because the lights were flickering (Can you imagine if George was there? He would have had a full-on twitch seizure?), the cheesy mess ended without incident. Until one rogue model has the audacity to raise hand to hand . . . and clap.
I have no choice but to kill you as soon as we get backstage.
After the show, Ari starts crying because no one but MC and Maria showed up. Cut to Hardy in an interview telling us that he didn’t have time to make it to the show because he’s very busy in his diverse life. Or whatever. I’m not one to defend Ari, but Ari was the only one to make it to Hardy’s fundraiser and it was douche move not to return the favor. It was a douchier move to excuse it by saying you had better things to do.
I’m really sorry I couldn’t make it. Did that look sincere? Should I try again?
MC is sitting at home taking pictures of his male pattern baldness. He speed dials his hair replacement specialist and demands to be seen. On a Sunday. He needs more hair now. The whole thing is moderately hysterical but all I can think is that I want to revamp MC’s T-shirt wardrobe.
Case in point.
Sorah visits with a very hungover George. He looks so banged up that I think I can actually smell the alcohol coming through my screen.
Isn’t the odor just seeping through your monitor right now?
Sorah tells him that if she can’t sell the condo in three months, he’s moving out. George laughs and says it’s his house (except for that tricky little piece of paper called a deed which happens to be in Sorah’s name only) and that she can’t tell him what to do. Except she’s technically your landlord and she can. Sorah says she’s cutting ties and in a very Glenn Close-esque moment, George tells her that she isn’t and that it’s not going to happen. A vision in black and gold, Sorah turns and leaves George to fester in his own stink.
No point to this. Except Sorah has a bangin’ bod.
And can you believe that next week is the season finale?! How they managed to stretch it to even six episodes amazes me. So next week: George thinks it’s a good idea to introduce his mom to Lina. (It’s not.) Maria webcams with her kid. (I was kind of hoping Maria would go out with a bang.) MC is getting some sort of hair transplant. (He could use a bang too.) Kat signs divorce papers. (Maybe). George breaks up with Lina who reacts violently. (But I’m sure the breakup doesn’t stick.) And Hardy and Trix allude to getting married. (Which, I will bet a cookie, does not happen. Ever.)
Until we recap again,