Million Dollar Listing LA Recap: List For Thy Neighbor

Hello, Gasmii! Welcome to another episode of “Million Dollar Listing LA.” Previously, Madison confronted Heather at a brokers open, JA tried to sell a flipped house, and JF found a new home for his fashion designer friend Gabby. Also, Madison went to Park City, Utah to visit his parents and ended up agreeing to find an agent to sell their old vacation home.

Does being fired mean I get less screen time?

We start this episode with JF and Colton. Colton wants JF’s opinion on redoing the living room. JF just tells him to do whatever he wants to do. This comes across as bitchy, but I think that JF may just be the kind of person that doesn’t really care that much about interior design. After the small discussion, he leaves to go to a listing appointment. Once out in the hallway, JF rings the bell of the apartment right next door. This is where we meet Glenn, JF’s neighbor. He wants to sell his apartment. It really is a great apartment.

 

Let’s play a game. What’s the difference between Glenn’s one bedroom and PopePhilly’s one bedroom? 

JF thinks the apartment is great. I’m kind of wondering why there would be two full bathrooms in a one bedroom apartment. Glenn has put about $1,000,000 into his apartment. Because of this, JF wants to know why he’s planning to leave. My bathroom question is answered when Glenn explains that he turned the second bedroom into his den/office. The point of changing the bedroom was because he didn’t want to encourage guests to stay over. His friends aren’t really a fan of having to stay in a hotel even if he is willing to pay for it. Glenn is thinking of selling the apartment so he can buy a three bedroom place. That way, he can still have his den/office as well as a guest room. 

JF tells us that he loves the building he lives in. It’s the highest point in Century City. The views are great and they have luxurious amenities (concierge, tennis, vallet, etc.). My apartment building has a pool and off street parking. These are luxury to me. He really doesn’t understand why anyone would want to move out. 

If I had a view from there, I’d probably never leave! 

JF and Glenn get down to talking about price. JF thinks that the apartment can sell for $2,000,000. One on a floor below sold at a higher price recently, but it was also a bigger unit. Although Glenn would like to get more money, he thinks that JF is being realistic. All of the apartment showings have to be scheduled. Due to the celebrity tenants, JF cannot hold an open house in the building. The two start discussing the celebrities that have lived there. Burt Lancaster, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Michael Douglas, etc. Glenn also knows that Karen Carpenter lived there because he dated her briefly. I’m guessing they never went out to dinner together.

Too soon? 

Meanwhile, Madison is still in Park City trying to find an agent to sell his parents’ house. He’s pretty sure that he’s found the perfect agent for the job. Her name is Julie and she actually lives in the neighborhood. He think she’ll get along great with his mom and his dad. Madison dives right into business. He asks Julie what the best listing price for the house would be. She thinks that $2.4 million would be perfect. Madison is also asking for a 30% referral fee. That sounds pretty high. Can anyone with real estate experience shine some light on this for me? Julie even thinks that’s a bit high. She and Madison agree on a 25% referral fee. Madison will be getting $18,000 for merely finding someone to sell a house for his parents. 

And we’re back at JA’s office. Aaron, a buyer’s agent, is there to see JA about the all cash offer on the flipped house. JA wants to try to get some more money out of Aaron’s client. JA is asking for $1.5 million for the house. Aaron’s client has offered $1.01 million. That’s a $140,000 price difference and it’s just not acceptable to Tim and Tom. JA explains that there are two offers on the table right now – Aaron’s and a “spectacular offer.” He explains to Aaron that the house is worth ever penny they’re asking. JA tells him he can go on his computer right now – his password is “Trump” (of course it is) – and if he can find two comparable houses worth Aaron’s number, the house is his. 

Is anyone surprised that “Trump” is his password? 

OK, why is JA wearing another tie with guns on it in his confessional? Heather apparently doesn’t love him very much because she lets him go out of the house wearing those ties! Anyway, JA doesn’t think that they potential buyer’s offer is best and final. He wants Aaron to call them. When he returns, he tells JA that they’re coming up $100,000 to $1.11 million and they will close in two weeks. JA leaves the room to call Tim and Tom. After some persuading, they agree to close the deal. 

Madison is back in Malibu. He’s in his office when his mom calls. Before we move on, we have to talk a little bit about Madison’s office. For being such a successful real estate agent, his office is pretty crappy. He doesn’t even have a window. 

My office is bigger than this and I’m at the bottom of the totem pole in my firm. 

Madison and Wendy spend some mother-son time talking. It’s kind of adorable. She also really likes Julie. People have already been calling about the house. Their call is interrupted when Madison’s 3:30 appointment arrives. He’s interviewing for a new assistant. The new assistant’s official title should be “Not Heather.”

Back to JF who has an appointment to show Glenn’s apartment. Glenn will be hanging out at the apartment for the showing. JF explains that it’s hard to have a buyer and a seller in the same room. It makes it difficult for the potential buyer to be candid about his or her feelings on the property. 

The first potential buyer arrives – Russell and his agent Doug. Doug asks a lot of the basic questions – square footage, amenities, etc. Glenn jumps in and interrupts JF explaining the property. It seems like Glenn was just trying to be helpful and I don’t think he meant to keep JF out of the discussion. However, Glenn explaining everything kind of leaves JF to just sit there. JF thinks that Glenn is “cock blocking” him. I really hope that JF did not intend for his cock to have anything to do with this deal.

The face of real estate blue balls.

While Glenn takes over the showing, Doug and Russell both shoot knowing glances at JF. When they get to the bathroom, Glenn shows off his pride and joy – the toilet. I don’t think anyone has ever been so proud the place where he shits. Apparently, the toilet is able to suck down the air and convert it. As Glenn put it, “When you live here, your [shit] don’t stink.” That’s a lot of money. I just use a potpourri spray from the dollar store. It works just as well.  

If God needed a toilet, this would be it.

After Russell and Doug leave, JF explains that it would probably be best if Glenn wasn’t there next time. He explains that it’s hard to discuss price when the seller is standing right there. Glenn completely understands. Can he be in more episodes? He seems like a really nice and level headed guy. It would definitely be a break from JA and Madison.

We are back with JA. Once again, he’s driving in his car talking on his cell phone. Can we please seem him getting pulled over in one episode? That would be awesome. Get on that, Bravo! As JA is driving up the road, he gets stopped by a construction crew. It’s pretty awesome seeing him try to argue with him. It just makes me smile when we see something ruin JA’s day.

The road crew captioned JA for me! Thanks, guys! 

When the road crew won’t let JA through, he just stops his car, gets out, and walks. I’m really hoping that his car will be towed when he gets out of his meeting. We all know that there is no way this situation was set up by Bravo to enhance the minimal drama on this relatively boring episode.

JA arrives at his listing meeting and is greeted by Gary – who kind of looks like John Voight and Gary Busey’s teeth had a son. Gary is a successful Hollywood producer who lives in Hollywood Hills. In fact, he lives a few yards from the Hollywood sign. JA met with him last year at his initial brokers open. This house has been on the market that entire time. They must be asking for body parts for it because it’s insane that no one has bought this!

If I can get a 100-year mortgage, I will gladly buy this house. 

Why do all of these houses in southern California have fires roaring in their fire places? Does it get that cold even in the winter? Are they not actual fires and just there for show? I’ve never been to California (save a 3-hour layover in San Diego last year). If someone can answer this for me, that would be awesome! This house has eight bathrooms. There are more toilets in this house than there are on my entire floor in my apartment building. I feel so poor. 

Gary gives us some background on the house. He bought it in a foreclosure and rebuilt it from the ground up. He paid $400,000 for it and put $1,000,000 into the remodeling. Gary also put another $1,000,000 into the addition. He thinks the house is way too big for him, so he’s decided to list it and try to get a buyer. The original listing was for $4,000,000. However, that didn’t generate any buyers. Gary let the listing lapse and wants to see what JA can do.

JA thinks that something dramatic needs to be done – something to catch the attention of potential buyers who are already familiar with the property. That “something dramatic” is lowering the price – to $3,000,000.

Gary is trying very hard not to just laugh at JA. 

Simply, Gary would have a problem with a price reduction that drastic. JA argues that this will get people looking at the house again. Gary knows that JA is known for selling houses in a creative way – that’s what he’s asking for. Then JA makes his fatal mistake. He tells Gary that he wants this listing, but he doesn’t need this listing. I’m not any type of real estate expert. However, I know that it’s probably a bad idea to tell a client – no matter what business you’re in – that you don’t need their business. Yes, JA probably doesn’t need this one listing. However, people talk. I’m willing to bet that a good portion of JA’s business is done by word-of-mouth. JA not only lost Gary’s business, but probably Gary’s friends’ business as well.

We’re back in Madison’s office. We meet his new assistant, Paige. Madison tells us she’s smart, she knows the business, and she’s not Heather. I wonder if she put that on her resume. I maintain that it should be on her business card as her official title!

Don’t worry, Paige. “Not Heather” is a HUGE compliment from the Gasm!

Madison asks Paige if any calls came in while he was out. She tells him that Phil Hildebrand called. Madison just laughs and says that’s his dad. I guess Hildebrand is a relatively common last name. However, I would think that maybe Paige would have thought that he was at least related to Madison seeing as they have the same last name.

Madison calls his father. They got a call from Julie. She’s got a qualified buyer who wants to make an offer on the house. They want to sit down in person, but Phil can’t be there for the meeting. He’s asking Madison to come to Park City to take care of everything. When Madison says that he does have some clients to meet with that weekend, his father shoots back with, “I’m a client.” Yes, Phil, you’re a client. However, you still have to share your time with Madison’s other clients. Madison agrees to work out his schedule and come to Park City in Phil’s place.

We’re back at another private showing with JF. He is meeting with Renee and Dominic – brother-sister agents who are looking at the apartment on behalf of their client. 

The Donnie and Marie of the real estate world.

Another meeting is with JF’s other neighbor, Ivonne. She wants this apartment because it has a balcony. She has a dog and is tired of having to go up and down the service elevator just to take out her dog. JF has the best line of the entire season: “Only in Beverly Hills do you find somebody who wants to move down the hall just so their dog can take a shit.” My love for JF has just grown exponentially! Sadly, we don’t get to see the dog. I hope this doesn’t ruin my cute animal quota.

We got back to JA in his meeting with Gary. This is still not going well. Gary tells JA, “You don’t need the listing. I don’t need to sell the house.” JA keeps trying to convince Gary to sell the house at $3,000,000. Just give it up, JA. It’s not going to happen. You blew this one big time. He wants to list the house at $3,000,000 or he doesn’t want to list it at all. Then Gary dismisses JA.

We need more things to happen that cause JA to make this face. 

JF is in Grandma Edith’s penthouse. Yay, for Grandma Edith!!!!!! She tells JF that the penthouse next to hers is for sale. Apparently, both JF and Grandma Edith asked the current tenant about the listing, but she went with someone else. JF then tells her about Glenn’s apartment. Grandma Edith thinks she has a buyer. However, JF knows that most of her friends are just trying to wake up the next morning and that all his grandmother wants to do is snoop around. 

When they arrive in Glenn’s apartment, Grandma Edith thinks it’s very artistic. She thinks that the chairs are big enough for her to sleep in.

I love that her socks match her coat! 

Grandma Edith continues checking out the apartment. She even looks in the fridge and remarks about the amount of food. She also thinks that the bed is too small. Grandma Edith gets in the bed and rolls around to prove how small it is. My God, this woman is adorable. I want to watch an entire episode of just her. Who do we call to make that happen?

Madison returns to Park City to potentially close the deal on his parents’ house. He’s spoken to his dad about the wiggle room on the price. The absolute bottom is $2.25 million. Madison and Wendy sit down with Julie and Karen (the potential buyer’s agent). Karen tells them that her client has made an offer of $2.1 million. It’s a cash offer and the buyer wants to close in three weeks. Madison tells us that it’s terrible to get a low offer, but it’s worse when your mother is sitting next to you.

We’re back at JA’s house. He’s cuddling sadly on the couch with his dogs. 

Does the cute puppy make up for the smell of vinegar coming off this picture? 

Oh, great. Heather’s here. I want to buy her some pants and a higher cut shirt. JA tells her all about the meeting with Gary. Heather rightfully points out that he screwed up. Heather was just the voice of reason. I’m not sure how to handle that. With all my kidney issues pretty much over, I have no more pain killers. Heather even encourages JA to call Gary and see if he is willing to reduce the price by only $500,000. We end this segment with Gary picking up the phone. 

Madison is still in the closing meeting for his parents’ house. He’s got an idea to get the buyer to come up. There is about $150,000 worth of furniture in the house. He wants to know if the buyer would raise his offer to $2.25 million if they sold the house fully furnished. As much as I dislike Madison, that’s a pretty awesome idea. Karen leaves to make a call to her client. When she returns, she tells everyone that her client agreed to $2.25 million with the furniture included. 

We return one more time to JF and Glenn. Ivonne, the lady with the dog, has made an offer of $1.8 million – all cash. JF thinks that she’ll pay the full price, but he knows she wants to see if she get get it for less. She wants 30 days in escrow. Glenn thinks that’s not a lot of time for him to find a new place. Glenn is suddenly unsure if he wants to sell the place. He wants to ponder the offer first.

We’re back in Madison’s office. Paige brings him a box. It’s just a thank you note and cookies from his mom. I wish I got cookies every time I did my job. That would be better than the referral fee check.

Madison has the best mom ever! 

We return to JF. He’s on the phone with his mom talking about going on a trip to Asia. He is interrupted by Glenn at the door. Glenn doesn’t want to sell his apartment. He’s just put too much work into it to just sell it. JF is actually really professional about the whole situation. It’s quite a difference from the way JA acted when he lost his offer. 

Well, that’s the episode. It looks like next week we’ll be seeing some professional JA bashing. That is definitely something fun to look forward too! Since the only cute animal I could find had JA in the picture, I’ll make it up to you. Enjoy:

This is where the rubs go!