Howdy, Gasmii!! Happy April! It has been a momentous week, n’est pas? Our dearest Flipit turned us all into pretty rainbow unicorns, we crowned a National Champion in basketball, and T&T started its spring season! (Can’t wait to opine on that horror show with Crabby and the gang.) And… Easter is coming – time to knock toddlers out of the way on my quest for candy-filled eggs.
Until then, let’s get to some Million Dollar Listing, New York. I really enjoyed the convos in the comment section of last week’s episode. It was fun to look back on this baby’s daddy, Million Dollar Listing (LA). I am kind of surprised it was renewed, but I think the play New York is getting may have persuaded Miss Andy to give the Cali guys another run. Can’t wait to see what y’all have to say this week as we lounge on The Casting Couch!
GOOD TIMES. (Betcha this one is Ryan’s!)
picking the nits out of his hair admiring himself in the mirror when he receives a phone call. He ignores the call from his assistant, Dina, and tries to seduce himself by repeating “lips to eyes” in what is supposed to be a seductive whisper.
YUP. WORKS FOR ME.
He reminds us for the seven thousandth time that he used to act in soap operas. He says he picked up some moves regarding personal interaction from those days. Yeah – like how to convince someone that you are having his baby when you were really impregnated by an alien posing as his brother while simultaneously drowning your sister so her ghost will come back and haunt you from the grave. Boy, this guy is one snappy operator.
Using all of his stellar interpersonal skills, Ryan again ignores Dina’s call. Finally, she storms into his apartment screeching like a banshee. She says that she has been down in the lobby and the doorman would not let her up without Ryan’s permission. Ryan says the doorman is a little touchy after his retinas were seared when Sonja Morgan showed up in her Marie Antoinette ensemble.
BLAME HIM? I THINK NOT.
Ryan interviews that he gives doormen orders that no girls are allowed to go to his apartment because “it could be dangerous for me.” Then he giggles like a 3-year old. Give. Me. A. Break.
On to greener pastures – Fredrik!! Zach is calling about the 949 Park project. The 949 Project is the glass building on Park Avenue that Michael is listing for him – dun.. dun.. dun..
Zach tells Fredrik that he thinks Michael
is a waste of oxygen and Fredrik would make a great team. Fredrik, whom we found out last week works for Michael’s father, says he is a team player and that he will be able to wipe the floor with Junior’s designer hankies he has Michael’s back.
ANY GUESSES AS TO WHO’S WHO??
Ryan is going to the Chelsea district. Ryan says it is very eclectic and has a large young executive and gay community. Ryan is meeting with Tom about listing his duplex. It is gorg.
Tom lives in Miami and this apartment is his “party pad.” It even has a reinforced sink in the master bath that supports two people. No lie.
Ryan says this apartment was made for him to represent. How much you folks wanna bet this is one of those apartments he admits he had sex in?
MAKES YOU LOOK AT THIS BABY IN A WHOLE DIFFERENT LIGHT, EH?
Tom says he is not really interested in selling the place unless he can get an “obscene” price. Hmmm… “party pad,” “reinforced sink,” “obscene price” – methinks Mr. Tom is a little
Tom is looking to get $4,000 per square foot = $15 million. Ryan says the price is too high for a one-bedroom apartment. Tom says he is not a motivated seller. Ryan desperately tries to convince him to sell it for a reasonable price. Tom says he would rather get a good renter in and revisit the selling issue later. Ryan says that he could rent it for $25,000 a month. Ryan could make $9,000 per year in commission.
Michael waddles into Zach’s office. Rut roh, he sees Fredrik there. Michael pretends he is happy to see Fredrik and comments on how “warm” it is. Zach tells Michael that they are bringing Fredrik on to the team. Michael flashes him a beaming oh-so-sincere smile.
Zach says it is to be a co-listing. Michael interviews that it is a demotion and wonders aloud if Daddy has any sway with any United States deportation officials (‘k – I made that up, but you know he’s thinking it!).
Fredrik reiterates that he is
Daddy’s favorite a team player and interviews that he feels he can teach Michael a few tricks and that Michael can teach him…well… uh… never mind.
Ryan is at his office and Dina walks in to ask him to proof something for the printers. Ryan tells her he can’t be bothered because he is envisioning getting a gaggle of models and a photographer into the Chelsea digs for a “photo shoot.” He then sends Dina to Walgreens with a $20 dollar bill and an order for some Trojan extra smalls.
RYAN THEN RECALLS SONJA’S “DIMENSIONS” FOR THE CAMERA
Ryan tells Dina to get the photographer, cast the models, and make a plan for getting the finished photos on the web and “everywhere.” He then sits back and says, “I’m so good. I am so good at what I do.” Which is…getting Dina to do everything??
Michael and Fredrik are meeting to strategize about an open house for the Park Avenue property. Michael dazzles Fredrik at lunch by discussing his sweating problem and that he gets Botox in his armpits.
FREDRIK IS SUITABLY IMPRESSED
Fredrik says the project needs an infusion of energy. HAHAHA – Michael interviews that “Fredrik says the project needs energy. Who doesn’t love ‘energy’” with about as much as enthusiasm as Mr. S-Natch displays when I squeeze my ass into edible underwear and drag him into the bedroom.
YEAH, THIS MUCH.
Fredrik asks Michael what he brings to the table. Michael says he brings his knowledge of the area and the fact that he has rich friends. Fredrik says he wants to take out the garish wallpaper.
Michael interviews that he has the same wallpaper in his house and its got to be good ‘cause it’s really expensive.
SO WAS THIS.
Fredrik wants to do a Mexican party. Michael worries that it will be cheesy. Fredrik asks Michael to help him call every agent in Manhattan to invite them. Fredrik says that it is a nice “guest – ure” for agents to receive personal calls. Michael corrects him to say “gesture.” Klassy, Mike. Let’s hear you speak a word or two of Swedish. Ready? Go!
Fredrik says, once again, that he is a team player. He suggests to Michael a fifty-fifty commission even though he will be doing all the work. Michael tells him he
resembles resents that comment. Michael says there is a difference between working a lot and sponging off Dad working smart. Fredrik asks Michael to teach him. Michael passive-aggressively points out that Fredrik spilled water on himself and belittles his wanting to eat the potato chips from the basket on the table.
FREDRIK THEN HAS TO INSIST THAT MICHAEL NOT GET INTO HIS CAR
Ryan books a hotel room for “Ryan’s Casting Couch.” I feel slimy even typing those words, but I do these things for you, Gasmii. My need for a shower increases as Ryan slavers all over the models, asking one girl to pose with her head in his lap. Ryan decides that he has a crush on the model – Kelsey. Hahaha – she answers the phone and doesn’t know who he is! He offers her the job and asks her on a date. Noooooo! She says “yes” to both.
WHY AM I FEELING AN IMPENDING SENSE OF DOOM?
Ryan is meeting the hapless Kelsey and all I want to know is…
WHAT IS WITH THE GUY IN THE BACKGROUND? IS HE RYAN’S DOORMAN OR SOMETHING?
Ryan finds out that Kelsey lives near him. He asks her if she is a full time model and she says she is getting her Master’s degree in Anthropology. Ryan can’t even pronounce it. He also finds out that she is from Texas, like him. Like a lamb to the slaughter.
Fredrik is meeting Michael with the accoutrement for the Mexican party. Michael immediately recognizes a long lost relative in the piñata.
“IT’S A JACKASS”
Fredrik gives Michael a sombrero and the invitation to the open house. Michael immediately notices that his name is not on the invite. Michael holds his breath until he turns blue.
Fredrik shows him a list that is 110 pages long of brokers that he intends to call and ask to come to the open house. He asks to see Michael’s list. It is one page. Double-spaced. Daddy’s name is the only one on it. Michael says he doesn’t want to hound people. Apparently, he also does not want to be a successful real estate broker, either.
Fredrik and Michael make the calls. Fredrik says he thinks they are in good shape. He tells Michael he did a good job. Michael says, “Thanks. I learned from the best. (pause) My father.”
NOTE THE TEETH IF YOU DOUBT ME, GASMII!
It is the day of the Chelsea photo shoot. Ryan talks to Kelsey and she says she keeps thinking about their date. He blows her off and flirts with another girl right next to Kelsey’s photo shoot. He then takes Kelsey out of the shot and puts the other chick in.
KELSEY BEGINS PLOTTING HOW TO “OFF” THE DOORMAN
Ryan wonders why Kelsey seems “checked out” mentally and continues to replace her and flirt with the other models until Kelsey quits the photo shoot. Ryan says he can’t figure out why she left.
Fredrik is getting ready for the fiesta and asks Michael how the piñata works. He interviews that in Sweden the kids dress as frogs midsummer and dance around in a circle holding each other’s tails and singing. Then he sings the song and I become convinced that Fredrik could make irritable bowel syndrome adorable.
Tons of people show up for the open house. Fredrik is doing what he is supposed to be doing – showing the apartment – while Michael walks around with his arms crossed. There are a million people there and Michael could start another tour. Instead, he calls Fredrik a “puffed up asshole,” and says he (Michael) is going to focus on
blowing another deal the work and “contributing.”
Seeing the upcoming scenes, I feel it necessary to remind you, Gasmii, of an incident that occurred last week. Ryan was miffed that Fredrik showed up at his open house and started asking him about the property. He said that if Fredrik was willing to do porn then he was willing to do “anything it takes” to get ahead. Ryan then proceeded to say he, himself, was going to do “anything it takes” about several other matters. Just reminding you of what Mr. Scruples had to say before venturing forth.
Ryan shows up to the Park Avenue open house. Fredrik says he is “honored” that Ryan keeps showing up at his open houses. Ryan senses tension between Michael and Fredrik. Fredrik asks him about his new listing on Chelsea. He feels that the price is too high and tells Ryan that he will go along next time and help him negotiate a reasonable deal.
Michael interviews that he lives by the Golden
Spoon Rule and that he is not going to change who he is to be like Ryan and Fredrik.
Ryan approached Hino, a potential buyer, and starts schilling his own properties and gives him his business card. Fredrik sees that Ryan continues to give other potential buyers his card but decides not to say anything just yet.
Daddy Warbucks shows up and Fredrik asks him how he likes the room now that most of the
expensive tacky wallpaper is removed. Daddy agrees that he likes it better Fredrik’s way, and Fredrik playfully punches Michael in the arm. Michael interviews that he is getting tired of Fredrik’s unprofessionalism and leaves the open house. Professionally.
Ryan is having an open house at the Chelsea property. He is putting the photos all over the apartment. There is a rancid odor coming from the sink and the apartment is nasty. Ryan is “cleaning” by opening windows and putting magazines in the oven.
Ryan tells the potential renters that there is a lot of
herpes sex to be had in the apartment. Adam (not wallaby Adam) shows up and Ryan tells him that he will give him Kelsey’s address. Tool.
Adam calls Ryan and wants the apartment. He offers $20K a month, $5,000 off the asking price. Ryan meets with Tom’s business partner, Christian. Christian is not happy with 20K a month. Ryan tells him that Adam wants it fully furnished with the artwork. He says that Adam will get a renter’s insurance policy for half a million. Christian tells him that is not near enough. Ryan then says he can get Adam to do a 2 million dollar insurance policy. Adam says he will pay 23K a month but they will have to pay for the insurance policy. Christian and Ryan haggle over the policy. Christian ultimately agrees and Ryan makes $8,200 off of the deal.
Next week it looks like the fur flies between Michael and Fredrik!
What do you think, Gasmii? Am I blinded by Freddi luv – was he too hard on Michael or is Michael too soft for the real estate game? Will Kelsey give Ryan a bunny and then boil it?
Speaking of bunnies…
HAPPY EASTER, EVERYBUNNY!!
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